I am beginning to wonder if marriages that do work are rarer than those which don’t. Since our wedding, last year, four of my friends got divorced or are in the process of divorcing. Another two separated. One of which was engaged and the other dating for almost seven years. Two of my friends got married and one of them got her marriage in a much better track. That ratio is six to three which is two to one.
Part of me has been encouraging my friends to see things from the other person’s point of view. To try and let go of years of resentment that we love to hang on to. To give it a fair and honest chance and to assume the best of the other person. But then there’s a point after which I also feel like life is too short and how hard do we work before we walk away? How much pain do we put up with? If this were a job, I would have encouraged them to walk away much sooner.
I know the answer doesn’t lie within me and it’s not simple. Each person is different, so is each relationship. But the pattern is becoming too common for me not to take note. I remember feeling the same anxiety right before my wedding. I kept seeing friends whose relationships weren’t working out and friends who were unhappy. I worried that maybe getting married would jinx my happiness. I know it sounds stupid but the fear was there.
And now it’s here again. Not as much for my relationship because I do love my husband and I know I would do everything in my power to resolve any hitches in our marriage. But I can’t keep wondering: Didn’t all my friends feel that way at one point, too?What happens that makes us go from that place to the bitter resentment one? To the place where the only option is to walk away and start anew?
What makes one marriage fall apart at the seams when the other stands the long term test?
Determination. A stubborn inability to let go and walk away. I’ve been married for over 20 years, and our marriage has faced the same, if not worse, issues as any other. We’ve separated a time or two, but we’ve never let the idea of divorce take root. Both of us would tell the other: you want it, you file for it. Neither of us would or could or whatever. The moral of the story is, you’re going to face hard times, and the overwhelming, passionate love you feel for your husband in the beginning will wane a little. Sometimes you may even think you hate him, but those feelings are fleeting. I’ve often heard love is what’s left when the flames of passion cool down, and I’d say that about sums it up. The problem is folks are addicted to the heat.
Work…22 years ago when I got engaged, it was with the understanding that the word “divorce” did not exist. Whatever problems we had (and we’ve had HUGE ones over the years), they would have to be worked out. A marriage is a partnership, based on love. When two people work at remembering why they married in the first place, then they can work out their problems. Marriage, however, is constantly changing and you need to understand where it’s headed and why. You need to talk, to share and to communicate… always! Love can conquer all.
fair enough, but what do i tell my friends whose significant others don’t want to work hard? what if one party doesn’t want to do the work no matter how much the other party bends over? what’s the right thing to do then?
Let ’em go. That’s all anyone can do. It’s unfortunate, but there are folks out there who can’t seem to commit for the long haul. However, if you’re lucky, they do come to their senses in time. If not, then moving on with your own life is the only option. 🙁
I once asked that question of a woman who had been married 32 years with EIGHT children, and still had a loving and by all appearances very happy marriage. She told me LOVE, of course, and COMPROMISE.
I’ve never forgotten that.