Random Thoughts Part 3

I’ve been thinking a lot lately again and like before I originally thought these would end up as individual posts but I can’t seem to find the time (or more like motivation) to sit and write it all out so I am going to try this quicker version instead.

Here are part 1 and part 2.

9. My kids can teach me so much. I’ve noticed a lot of things my kids do that I can learn from. For example, my little boy is very persistent. When he doesn’t know how to do something, he keeps trying and trying and trying until he gets it. More significantly, he doesn’t beat himself up each time he fails. He does sit there and bash himself when he stumbles and falls. He might cry if it hurt, but he doesn’t act like “I can’t believe i fell again! I am such a moron.” He gets up and runs again. And again. He also eats what he loves first. He doesn’t save it for last like I often did. I’ve learned over the years that if I save my favorites to last, I end up eating everything even if I am full, which is not good. My kids are not afraid to ask for help. They do like to do some things by themselves but they also feel comfortable asking for help. They don’t worry about looking stupid or being judged. They just know they can get it done better or faster or more correctly so they ask for help. They know it’s a part of the learning and growing process. They communicate. Often and clearly. They tell me what they are thinking and they are persistent I listen. They also teach me to have more fun. They spend their time doing what they love. If something starts to get boring, they move on and do something else. I tend to spend a lot of my free time doing things I’ve told myself I should do. There’s balance here of course but I do need to spend more time enjoying the moments. There’s no saying how life will turn out, might as well have a bit more fun while I can.

10. The Switch. I’ve learned, over time, that I have a switch inside. I tend to be really nice and kind to most people. I assume the best of them etc. etc. I’ve had many people be mean to me over the years. But I don’t mind the obvious mean people. What I do mind is people who are subtly mean. Who start taking advantage of me. Who end up being two-faced and unkind. I am not sure how and why it happens, but I tend to assume the best of a person until one day they do something (often something seemingly small) that makes me realize how they’ve really not been nice all along and sort of been taking advantage of me little bit at a time. Or just that they are not actually nice. And then the switch flips and I can never see this person in the same light again. I am hurt and broken inside and there’s almost nothing they can do to get me out of that bad place. It takes a long time to get there but once I am there, it’s like I can’t get out. Now everything that comes from this person is filtered through my negative opinions of him/her and I assume the worst and I assume unkindness. I think both are flawed. No one is nice all the time and no one is mean all the time. People are human. I think when I look up to someone, I often make them bigger than they are. They are almost sure to fail me. So I do need to watch for that. But I also need to pay more attention so before it even comes to the switch point, I can reach out and communicate or slowly distance myself so that the switch never comes on. This way, I still have a chance to cool down and see things without positive or negative filters.

11. Looking for the Good. I know I’ve talked about this before. But I always come back to it. Especially when thinking about #10 above. I have a way of getting to that bad place. Thinking everyone hates me. Hating myself. Crushing myself with my own judgements and words. Reading into everything everywhere and making it about me and about how I am failing at things, failing the people I love. I can go on and on. I’ve learned over time that most of this is a reflection of how I feel about myself. My default place is the insecure place where I need affirmation and support. However, there are times I feel in my element. I feel strong. Comfortable. Then I see things more positively. So I am making a point of looking for the good lately. I am trying to remind myself. Just like the practice of gratitude, looking for good in your life, in people’s words and actions changes my minutes, hours, days and life. If I feel lost, I try to play with my kids who, I am so happy to say, are joyful little boys. They remind me that life is beautiful. They laugh at the sound of music and make silly faces. So I am going to make a point of looking for the good. Choosing joy. I seem to need regular reminders. But that’s ok. I will remind myself again and again for as long as it takes. Because this is important.

12. Rest and Restoration is Important. I am not good at slowing down. I like being busy. It makes me happier, more productive, more fulfilled, etc. But I also am learning to appreciate the value of rest. For me, it’s not as related to how much I did as much as it is about my stress. I could do a lot of stuff but not feel stressed out and so I don’t need rest. But if I do something that really stresses me out, has me on an edge for days, I invariably need to rest. I need to restore all that energy I spent. I need to go back to my place of happy, relaxed comfort zone. If that means I lie on the couch and read that’s ok. The thing I do often is that I beat myself up for not doing the items on my todo list during these times and then I don’t do them anyway. I just make myself feel bad. So instead of doing something I might enjoy, I punish myself and tell myself that if I am not doing this item on my todo list, I should not get to do this other fun thing. Instead I do nothing. I waste the time altogether, whining and feeling tired. What a waste. I’ve decided that during these times, I will give myseld permission to just do something I love. It might be reading for a whole day or just sitting and playing legos with my sons. It might be spending the whole day on pinterest. It doesn’t matter what it is as long as I am choosing it and I am not beating myself up for it. Anything that helps me rest and restore the energy is ok to do. Some of my best ideas come when I let go and relax fully (just like some of my best ideas come when I am working hard. Extreme situations seem to bring forth creativity for me.) So here’s to letting myself rest without scolding myself.

13. Passing Judgement. I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately. I wonder why we’re do wired to pass judgement. Where does that come from? How does that protect us? How does it help you to bring someone else down? Why are people mean? I know there are times people are jealous and let that seep out with mean comments. But why? How does it make me feel better to say something mean to you? If I have no money and can’t go on vacation, then I see that you’re going to Hawaii and I say something like “It must be nice to be able to go to Hawaii.” That made you feel terrible but how did it help me? Do I get some kind of a physical release or a happiness boost from having torn you down? I truly don’t get it. Genuinely. I can understand the instinct behind jealousy. I can understand the curiosity and wanting to know about someone else’s drama. What I don’t understand is how making them feel bad actually help you feel good. I have personally experienced how helping someone can make you feel good. It can lift you up. Does hurting someone also lift you up? For me, it always makes me feel worse. Like a crappy person. And now I’ve made them and me feel bad. What’s the point of that? I am not being flippant here. I swear I don’t get it. I would love some explanation on this one. I am not saying I am always good but I do try not to deliberately break people. I genuinely feel good for others when they reach their dreams and goals. I don’t think their success makes mine any less likely. On the contrary, I now see it as a reachable dream. Sure I feel jealous sometimes, frustrated, wonder why not me, etc etc. I’m human. But I don’t think that making that other person feel bad will actually ever help me feel better.

there you go. a bit of what’s on my mind. more coming next week.