Many years ago, I wrote an entry about the
two-me’s.
Lately, the idea of the Ideal Self has been on my mind a lot. There have
been many occasions where I noticed that my ideas of who I hope to be in
a certain situation often get crushed by the real me.
The Ideal Me wants to be mature in a situation that might be chaotic and
frustrating but the Real Me gets annoyed, acts impatient or irrational.
The Ideal Me wants to explain things clearly and without placing blame
so we can have a productive conversation and resolve our differences,
yet the Real Me gets emotional and can’t think clearly. The Ideal Me
assumes the best and commits to situations where the Real Me freaks out
and makes things unpleasant without meaning to. The Ideal Me is kind and
compassionate regardless of how others treat me, but the Real Me gets
hurt and angry. The Ideal Me wants to make everyone happy but the Real
Me knows that’s impossible and often ends up upsetting everyone instead.
This has caused numerous problems in my personal life, in my work life,
in my friendships and relationships. Most significantly, it has made me
feel like I am continuously letting myself down.
After countless recent such events, I have realized that it’s time to
cut myself some slack and to start becoming more realistic about who I
am, what I can do and what I’d rather not. With a new job and a growing
family, time is quite rare. As I grow older and more responsible, I need
to learn to be who I am. I need to learn to graciously decline, even at
the cost of upsetting people I love. I know that, otherwise, they will
get much more upset when I do something to please them and end up
feeling resentful and frustrated. I need to learn that people get over
things relatively quickly and those who harbor resentment for not
getting their way aren’t worth dealing with.
I need to learn that there’s nothing wrong with the Real Me and that
when the Ideal Me starts taking over, I need to pay attention and make
sure that the Real Me can deliver the promises the Ideal Me makes.
Something I really got a while back is that my Ideal Me only lives in my own head; no one else can see her, interact with her, expect things of her, get angry with her, be disappointed with her, struggle with her. More to the point, other people aren’t judging the Real Me against my Ideal Me because they have no idea who the Ideal Me is.
I don’t think I can say that I created my Ideal Me–at least not alone. Family, friends, teachers, mentors, the literary protagonists we fell in love with, the TV shows we watched, the messages society repeats–they all played their parts. But I would argue that if I–the Real I–wasn’t alone in the birthing process, my Real I has to take the responsibility (note, I said responsibility, not blame) for giving the Ideal Me so much power in my singular life.
And with that, I am now off to contemplate reading something existential this week…
I feel the same way. I constantly disappoint myself…