Another quote I saved from “How to be an Adult:”
In a relationship, this may mean that both parties do not choose
to use the same freedoms or limitations. For example: You feel great
pain when I form outside relationships, even though they are not
sexual. I feel no pain at all about your outside relating. To be
fair, both of us have equal latitude in this area. To be
compassionate, I give up the exercise of my right since it triggers
so much hurt in you – without asking you the same in return.
Meanwhile with compassion for me, you have committed yourself to
working in therapy on your fear and jealousy so thaat eventually i
can related to others with no consequence to you.” The “double
standard” refers to moral issues but not to consciously compassionate
relationships.
I am a firm believer that relationships are never exactly 50-50.
Sometimes one person gives more and other times vice versa. This is
what keeps the balance together. This means when I’m having a
horrible day, it’s ok for me to ask for 75% and I won’t have to feel
like I am being unreasonable just like I can offer 85% on a day when
I’m great and he’s not. For me, this applies to friendships as well.
The above quote is a similar scenario in my opinion. Two people are
never exactly the same. They had different pasts, different
upbringing, carry different residual pain and frustration. People’s
past tends to affect who they become and what they view as right/
wrong. Therefore, the list of things that bother me in a relationship
and the list of things I don’t care about one way or another could be
drastically different than the one my loved one compiled over the
length of his life.
I believe it’s crucial to treat each person like they are an
individual with their own priorities, thus it’s unfair to set rules/
guidelines for a relationship that are always exactly equal. The
quotes example speaks to me perfectly. I think there are two crucial
keys to make this work.
1. You need to communicate. If you don’t tell me that
something bothers you, you can’t blame me for doing it. Over and over
again. I am not here to read your mind. I can’t do it and you
shouldn’t expect me to. Stand up for yourself, be honest and kindly
explain to me that something upsets you and maybe even try to explain
why if you can. Trust me that I will listen and I will care. I won’t
judge. There’s a reason you picked me to share your life with.
2. I need to willingly give up the exercise of my right.
Regardless of our relationship, I am a free person. I can say and do
whatever I want, anytime I want. Being in a relationship means I
exercise the right to not do many things because our relationship is
more important to me than those things. I choose not to do them, not
because you said I can’t but because I respect you and choose not to
hurt you. The choice has to be mine or it will feel like a chore and
it will soon give rise to resentment and anger: two things that can
kill a relationship quickly or slowly but definitely painfully.
I guess it can be summarized like this: “Tell me what you think and
trust me that I will do my best to respect you.”
I used to be very immature and force the people who loved me to do a
particular thing (or, often, not to do it) and it took me many
painful years but I learned that you can’t force anyone to do or be
anything. You can admit that people are different with differing
needs. You can share your fears and worries and hope like crazy that
the person you are with loves you enough to work on them with you or
is patient enough to wait it through while you’re working on them
yourself.
During my last pregnancy; almost 2 months ago, my husband shocked me by reeling in to our lives an ex-girlfriend of his whose marriage was breaking down. What was really diabolical about the situation was that he had an expectation of me to jump into the water, along with him and save the poor lass! He placed the reciever in my hand after announcing casually into it, “Here speak to my wife, she is very nice…” Now, I had always been a little possessive with him but not in the sense that I felt insecure about his faithfulness but just because certain luxuaries (lengthy, initmate conversations and comforting her when she cried) are reserved for me alone. That part of his heart is mine. The fact that the third party concerned happened to be an ex made the sitution that much harder to deal with. I felt I had been placed in an awkward position and secretly resented both him and her, especially. I did my very best to be supportive and tolerate her never ceasing, ever lengthing calls. She had even started calling ME to find out how the “baby” was doing, what the doctor said and was even planning a trip from D.C to come on over and HELP! with the baby. This went on for about 6 weeks and it was begining to be a hellish nightmare. One day, finally, in a fit of rage, I lashed out at him for something really petty and the words about how upset this all made me finally came out.I didn’t like her and I didn’t want her in our lives. Although he told me he would back away from her, he was too cowardly to tell her out right that the gig was up . This is what hurt me more than his prior “carelessness”. Why was her hurt of more significance to him, than mine? I was his DAMN wife for crying out loud! I was distressed with it all and insecurity did eventually rear its ugly head. I felt utterly betrayed! Eventually, after many sleepless nights and silent sobs in the bathroom I decided that if he wasn’t going to do what was required to protect our relationship, then I would have to. I wasn’t rude about it but I BOOTED her out and in no uncertain terms made it crystal clear that she was no longer welcome and that we both wished her all the best in her life. Bye-Bye. That was the last I heard from her but she still called him on his cell and at work. He wasn’t calling her anymore but still entertained her calls. The baby came. He called to tell her about the birth. Shee claimed that her father had died that same day, at about the same time our daughter was born. My husband felt very sorry for her and very guilty about not being there of her. My daughter was hours old when he admitted this. This was the last they spoke, I have been told. I am still angry even right now. I feel rage and indignation that some of what could have been precious time during such an important milestone in our lives had been marred and wasted by this betrayal. I am still in the process of forgiving my husband. I have tried doing it all in one go but I realise the pain is too deep and too wide to do it just like that. I will never completely understand why he desired so much to protect her feelings over mine. The only assuarance I have is that I do know he loves me even if it isn’t done perfectly, in accordance with my understanding of it. I know his intentions were not to hurt me but he had been insensitive to my needs. As the weeks have rolled by after the baby I am ranting less and less about it and he always just says, “Nina, I am sorry.” He has said sorry what feels like a million times but the pain remains…