National Honesty Day

The complex where I live has a calendar of events that they publish
each month. It notes community-wide events like easter egg hunt and
gym classes as well as national or religious holidays. In April’s
calendar, they had “National Honesty Day” under April 30th. I have
never heard of this holiday but I am glad it’s on the calendar and I
wish it would encourage people, even if just for one day.

I am not naive enough to think that people don’t lie. Everybody lies
and they all have their reasons. When I was little, my mom would lie
to her clients and tell them that their merchandise was ready but she
couldn’t deliver it cause I was so sick, she had to stay home and
take care of me. All the while, I would sit next to her, perfectly
healthy. I asked her why she lied and she said that these were
“little lies” and they didn’t matter. Sure they matter. But today’s
post is not about lying. It’s about not telling the truth.

Most of us live our lives sheepishly, not passionate enough to stand
for something. My first night of Teach For America training, they
showed us a video of the previous year’s class and the
accomplishments they achieved and all the goals the organization had
for the country. I felt so proud to be a part of something so
phenomenal that I went back to my room and I called Jake. “I don’t
know why everyone wouldn’t want to be a part of this,” I said. “It’s
amazing.” I truly believed it. I still do. I have the utmost respect
for organizations like TFA who stand for something and fight like
crazy to get it. Most of us, give up way too easily. Most of us learn
to be complacent early on in life and stick to saving our opinions to
ourselves in most situations. Not lying, per se, but omitting the truth.

Not being honest with your boss’ bad taste or incorrect preferences
is one thing. The boss might fire you for disagreeing. While I still
think it sucks to work for someone like that, I can understand one’s
choice to be complacent in that situation. But not when it comes to
friendship. And not with a significant other. These people are in
your life by choice. You picked them. Why not pick people who respect
you for your thoughts and be honest with them? A friend of mine
thinks truth is overrated, that it isn’t necessary to be honest at
all times and that sparing someone’s feelings is more valuable. I
respectfully disagree.

I choose the people in my life because I trust them to be good
thinkers. I trust that when they tell me their opinion on things,
these opinions are not judgments. They aren’t superficial, they
aren’t spiteful. They are well-thought-out opinions of people whom I
trust and respect. I want them to tell me what they think and trust
that I can handle the truth. I am independent enough to weigh their
opinions without letting them cloud mine. I want them to trust that
when I said I want to know what they think, I meant it. Their honest
thoughts help me grow and expand my own thoughts. They help me see
things from different perspectives.

Of course there are nice and not-so-nice ways to say things. There’s
bashing and there’s constructive feedback. I always expect the people
I care about to take the time to put their words in a non-hurtful
form. Adjectives without explanations are useless. If my friends are
some of the most intelligent and most caring people I know, why
wouldn’t I want to know their true thoughts?

That’s one of the reasons I loved college. In college, people tend to
be passionate. They tell you what they think. For hours. Tedious as
it might become, the conversation is deep, meaningful, and often
honest. Then we grow up, life gets in the way, we never take the time
to be honest. We never really listen and really answer. We make
decisions on behalf of the other person. (Oh she wouldn’t want to
hear this. Poor so-and-so, how could I tell her what I really think)
We talk about the people we love to other people but never to their
face. We wouldn’t want to hurt them. Well, you may not be hurting
them, but you’re also not helping them. You’re depriving them of the
true friend or partner they thought they had.

And what if you do tell the truth (nicely, gently, constructively)
and they get hurt irrevocably? Well, in my opinion, those friends
were lost long ago. A relationship based on eggshells and half-truths
is not a relationship worth the energy or the time. Especially with a
significant other. This person may be there for the rest of your
life, do you really want to live with someone to whom you cannot tell
your true thoughts/feelings, for the rest of your life?

I don’t know where between college and life people give up on honesty
but I wish it hadn’t become the accepted social norm. I really think
we could all benefit from more of it. Even if only on April 30th.