As you already know, I’ve been taking Stephanie Lee’s class Shifting Ground. This class has been amazing. Which does not surprise me one tiny bit. Her previous class which I took in 2009 was also amazing. She has an incredible way with words. She is able to put my feelings, thoughts, worries into succinct and eloquent words. On Monday, she posted a long entry about the importance of regular journaling. Towards the end, she had a section about how some people worry that their journals will be found and read and if they write mean things, it might hurt the reader’s feelings. Here are some of Stephanie’s words (excerpted with permission):
If the people in your lives have doubts about your relationship with them and then they catch wind of you keeping a journal that you don’t want them to read, they will WANT to read it. Not because they care about what you’ve written as much as they want to know what is real and they want to know if their fears are real. No one wants to be in relationships that are uncertain even if you have no real problem with them in particular.
When I read these words, I was immediately taken aback by how true they were. I suffer from a lot of insecurity related to my relationships with other people. Because of my personal feelings of low self-worth, I tend to always assume that people aren’t really interested in being in my life but that they’re “putting up with me” for one reason or another. I am constantly paranoid that they are in the brink of walking out or they are talking behind my back. A good twenty years ago, I had people in my life like that. But back then I was a teenager and so were they. I notice lack of integrity (especially when it comes to friendships and popularity) is quite high during those years. And yet, despite many years of solid friendships, I still find myself paranoid, insecure, and scared. I feel uncertain in so many of my relationships. And even in my marriage sometimes. Mostly because I am so used to living with the worry of being left that I can’t imagine a world where someone wants to stay with me out of choice.
Stephanie then continues to say:
Live your life as transparent as possible. Reaffirm your commitment to those you love in your actions, words, and energy. They will trust that and be less concerned with the details of how you are able to maintain it. Let your demonstration of love – both for them AND yourself – be so strong and solid that there will be no room for them to doubt that what you are writing isn’t damning to them.
And this is exactly what I asked Jake to do for me this year. To be really honest and open. To spell things out for me that might seem superbly obvious to him. To let me know that he forgives me when I mess up. To assure me that he’s choosing to stay with me. I know this must seem sad to have to do after sixteen years of being together but it’s nothing to do with him or our marriage. It’s related to my personal fears and state of mind about life. I love what Stephanie said and I know for a fact that I am not the only person out there who is insecure in this way.
I took these words to heart and decided that I wanted to be better about my relationships, too. I want to make sure I am committed to the people I love with my words, actions and energy. I want to make sure my children, my husband, my friends know without a shadow of a doubt that I am committed to them and that I love them. I want to make sure there’s no room for doubt. There’s no reason to worry. There’s nothing but the strength of our bond. (And I love that she mentions love of oneself as well. I definitely need to work on that one.)
Even if it turns out they’re not insecure like I am, I cannot imagine anything but good coming out of this vow.
Thank you, Stephanie, once again for the weight and value of your words. Here’s to strong demonstrations of love and commitment.
Great breakthrough! It sounds like a good class. Without giving away class content that is confidential, can you give more information about the class? I saw it on Stephanie’s website and it looked good, but there was no syllabus and not a lot of detail (at least to me) about how the class works and what you are really doing/learning. I notice you can still take the class and I may be interested, that is why I am asking. Thanks!
iif i had to describe it succinctly i’d likely say it’s about seeing things differently, paying more attention to your life. redirecting your thoughts. putting stuff on paper so you can see it better. grounding yourself. i know this is all so unclear and i am sorry. if you’re into journaling and like to self-reflect, i think you would like it. stephanie definitely has a way with words and I’ve learned a tremendous amount from both of her classes. mostly about myself.
Thank you for this post. Thank you for this blog, too. I’ve been checking it every morning for weeks now because I often can relate to what you write.
thank you for reading and taking the time to comment, it means the world to me!
“I am constantly paranoid that they are in the brink of walking out or they are talking behind my back.” “I still find myself paranoid, insecure, and scared.”
This is me.
And then, when you/Stephanie speak about putting it out there. Not hiding things in the journal — being transparent and sharing… I wish it were so true. I wish that the people I knew, were family and friends with, wouldn’t be offended when the truth is spoken/written. I’ve had both supposed friends and family write me off for being honest. And, really, isn’t honesty (not sugar coating things) one of the biggest things when it concerns showing someone your love, etc. Because, it means you care enough about them to “save them” from themselves.
Sorry, I went on a tangent on that one.
But thank you for posting this.
i think that’s the most delicate thing about the truth. it can be painful so you need to be very careful when telling it. but i still think it’s much better than lying every single time. bar none.
Karen, this post could have been written by me. I do have a question, though: How did you broach this topic with Jake? How did he respond? I think I need to do the same with my husband.
I started by telling him that my focus this year was going to be on working on myself and the guilt and worry I carry around too often. I told him that I hope to come out of this much stronger and happier and better for all of our family. Part of this would be “annoying” him less with my “are you ok?” questions. I told him i’d assume he was ok unless he told me and that i needed him to actively communicate more often. even when things were going well. especially when things were going well. and then i told him i needed regular reminders that i was loved and safe. and that i didn’t have anything to worry about. i reminded him several times. and still do occasionally. and i was clear that this was to help me with my problem and that there was and is nothing wrong with him. i have the best husband in the world so of course he was kind and loving and understanding and said he would do anything i needed. i think it’s worth having the conversation with your husband. after all, they are the partner we chose for life. if we can be stronger, more secure and more confident, in the long run it will make the marriage that much stronger. So it’s worth the work in the short term. just my opinion of course.
oh and good luck! if you do decide to talk to him, let me know how it goes.
Karen,
I was inspired and appreciative of your transparency and honesty about your feelings of insecurity as you shared the excerpts from the journaling workshop. I appreciate your willingness to share from your heart in connection with the insight you have shared from Stephanie. I find keeping a journal to be a profound way to discover insecurity, and it’s a terrific place to brainstorm ways to build up self esteem, which can only strengthen relationships with oneself and with others.
I have chosen your post, Demonstrating Love, as the #JournalChat Pick of the Day for all things journaling on Twitter on 1/31/11. I will post a link on Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn, and my blog, Refresh with Dawn Herring.
You’re welcome to follow my @JournalChat account on Twitter for all things journaling. 🙂
Thanks again for sharing from your heart and your journaling insight in connection with Stephanie’s workshop.
Be refreshed,
Dawn Herring
JournalWriter Freelance
@JournalChat on Twitter
thank you so much Dawn, this is such an honor.
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