There’s an episode of Desperate Housewives (yes, I watch that show but I watch everything on TV so it doesn’t mean anything) where one of the moms finally comes face to face with the ADD medication she’s been taking to keep up with her sons and she has a nervous breakdown. She’s sitting in the middle of this soccer field when her friends find her. As she shares with them how horrible she feels about the kind of mom she is, they each tell her their storeis of the hard times they endured with their children and the mistakes they made. She then asks her friends why they never told her this stuff before and they tell her that no one likes to look like they aren’t on top of things. The woman then tells her friends that they need to share those moments, that’s what friendship is about.
I need some of that lately. I am tired of everyone around me being so fucking perfect. Their kids are wonderful. They take all their naps on time and nice and long. They sleep through the night. They eat the perfect ten to fifteen minutes on each side and latch off when done. They burp on cue. They roll over, stand up, sit up, reach out, grab or whatever else they’re supposed to do by that developmental age.
Either everyone’s baby is perfect or they’re fucking lying.
I don’t understand the value of keeping your struggles to yourself. It makes it such that we suffer alone and make everyone else look and feel like they are the only failures in the world. What’s so fucking wrong with the truth? I’ll go first:
My son’s been on some sort of strike lately. He whines more often than he ever did. He really struggles to take naps and several times a week, we get in the car and drive around just so he can get some sleep during the day. He’s been eating so much lately that I feel like both my breasts are empty all the time. Last night, I finally took him to bed with me because he’s been waking up every 90minutes for the last week and I couldn’t take it anymore. In our bed, he slept a solid five hours before waking up for a meal. He doesn’t roll over yet (though he did once but I think it was probably an accident). He reaches out sometimes but won’t grab stuff unless we put it in his hands. There are times in the day when I’d be willing to pay him a thousand dollars for him to sleep for one hour so that he can be better rested. Lately, almost daily I question my ability to do right by him. If I can’t get him to sleep, what hope do I have of doing anything else?
I don’t want to hear advice. I am capable of spinning all this another way. I can tell you he smiles all the time and his smiles are wide and all consuming. I can tell you he’s in the 50th percentile of all his numbers. I can tell you he’s been gaining weight consistently and well. I can tell you he’s been perfectly healthy since the day he was born. I can tell you he’s the most beautiful baby in the world. All of that would be 100% true.
But so is the other part. And I don’t see why it’s important to hide it. I feel like if I shared my struggles, it might help another mom who’s also struggling. I remember when I was pregnant and hurt so much, I hated the fact that others didn’t tell me how difficult it could be. That lasted only nine months. This is much longer. This is too long to be acting. Is it really that important to look good? What’s the point of friends if not to share the rough times and to make others feel less lonely in their misery?
I’ll just speak for myself and say that I offer advice because I really needed it when I was a first-time parent; we suffered for a long time with a baby that didn’t sleep because we didn’t know to swaddle it. That helped a lot, but we endured three years of really bad sleep. I sure hope you don’t. Thankfully, our second is as easy as the first was difficult, and I feel like I’ve paid my dues. Most parents I know say the second is easier, but I some good friends of our are currently having it the other way around.
I also know that I have a short memory for my kids’ faults, (therefore, my baby is perfect) and I think that’s a good thing, because once you get the sleep straightened out, something else is sure to go in the crapper, but you deal with it, move on, and unless you’ve blogged it, it’s forgotten (therefore I’m fucking lying). So you’re right on both counts!
Every child is perfect to their parents. It’s nature. You are meeting his needs? That’s all that counts.
You want me to say it like it is: My perfect child slept in my bed every night from the age of 3 to 7. No matter what I did. Sometimes I was too tired to walk him back to his bed so I slept in his bed. My perfect child didn’t walk until 20 months. We later learned it was because he couldn’t see, he feared walking into something. My perfect child fell off the bed so many times because his mother fell asleep while he watched Sesame Street that we feared he’d be permanently brain damaged.
I don’t want to tell you these things…not because I might appear as an inadequate mother because I’m not but because you might fear that you’ll encounter the same problem. That’s scarey.
Just know that those charts are guides, period. David will roll when he wants to roll, he’ll walk when he wants to walk, he’ll talk when he finds his voice, he’ll grab when he really wants something and there’s NOTHING you can do about it. It doesn’t make you inadequate.
dave, please know that my post wasn’t referring to you at all. i do appreciate all the advice and offers of help. and i try them all (you never know which one will work). I did swaddle him a few nights ago and it did seem to help him fall asleep a bit faster ( tho that might have been cause he was about to) but he still woke up two hours later and this time he really cried of panic because he couldn’t use his arms and he’s never had that before so I didn’t want to freak him out again. The swaddling blanket says we can only do it until he;s 3.5 months anyhow so i figured it wasn’t worth getting him used to it when i won’t be able to do it in two weeks. i am open to any other ideas too. two nights ago he slept a 5-hour stretch but last night we were back to every two hours, even in my bed. i think for somne odd reason he might be teething too since he wants to jam his whole fist into his mouth or his forearm or my hands and bite them hard.
oh and cheryl, it is scary but it’s also good to know i am not alone in struggling and that everyone else isn’t born knowing what to do and how to do it. it makes me feel less alone.
Karen,
Alot of what you are feeling is normal as a mom and also normal being somewhat sleep deprived. I have never regretted bringing my baby into bed with me. He’s now just past two years and every now and then I still bring him in to bed with me. If you don’t already have the book “What To Expect the First Year” from the same authors of “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” I would suggest you get a copy. It lays out general guidelines about what each month your baby should be doing, might he might be doing or in exceptional cases might be doing in advance of his age. I found it particularly comforting because the authors qualify that in most circumstances your baby is at the stage that is NORMAL FOR HIM. And at the same time they do urge you to seek advice from your doctor if you’re wondering. Kids evolve at their own pace. That’s where the “norms” are calculated – from opposite ends of the scale so most kids will fall somewhere inbetween or at one of those opposite ends. Also, it’s normal that a baby will seem to doing something one day (i.e. reaching out and grasping a toy) and then not doing it the next day. Learning is about repetition. It will happen. The wonderful thing about child rearing is that nothing stays the same for too long, each stage gets passed through and then you’re on to the next one. I would tell you to sleep when you can (forget about trying to do it all). This is a moment in David’s life you don’t want to miss. We all feel inadequate sometimes or alot of the times from time to time. Don’t forget your hormones are revving you up and letting you down at rates that you’re not used to. David is three months old, he’s beautiful and happy. My baby didn’t sleep through the night until he was well past one year old, and even then it was sporadic and I would go in and poke him just to make sure he was still breathing when he did sleep for a few hours at a time!
Karen, thanks for the reassurance–I really want to help but I know for a fact that I sound preachy or like I’m boasting some times.
Our friends have a four-month-old who still doesn’t sleep more than 3-5 hours, and we just loaned them our “miracle blanket,” which they used with some success for napping… he still woke up at night, but that could also be routine. Our baby almost always wakes up at 4am, even if she last ate at 9pm or 1am. Just routine.
I just thought of something less than perfect about my little Piglet–she’s got a funny shaped head! She’ll probably end up with one of those little baby helmets before long.
lol. no need to find imperfections for me. the mircle blanket is quite well designed and if i hadn’t already gotten david used to having his arms, it might have worked. i waited too long it seems. i was getting worried that waking every 90mins was getting to be routine for david but we seem to be doing better so cross fingers 🙂
I have a theory on the “perfect” parents.
For some unknown reason, I think people have a difficult time admitting when things aren’t going smoothly, especially when it comes to parenting. Maybe that’s because all you hear is how awesome and rewarding it is to be a parent (true and true). Still, there are downsides to everything. Those just seem to get swept under the rug. Don’t know why!
Also, I think that we see people sometimes at their best moments (or hear about only the best things). You know, like when couples save their arguments and such for private so they seem so blissfully happy all the time. Their kids may be eating and sleeping on schedule, but they’re probably doing other things they just haven’t mentioned.
I’m a first-timer too and I can relate to how you’re feeling. But I’m pretty sure you’re doing a fantastic job of parenting. Just hang in there. It’s not an easy role to take on — but it’s a wonderful one!
To tell the truth to all takes a very strong mindframe, but benefits all.
Lieing to yourself only stengthens your pain and prohibits the understanding of others.
Well said.
I know how you feel exactly and I agree it makes much more sense to share our struggles. My sons are grown but I remember my ‘perfect’ sister-in-law’s letter to me when I wrote asking help through sleepless nights of baby-raising. She would not even admit the difficulties that I am quite sure she experienced – she has some philosophy about negative energy. To me, it’s more about sharing what we all experience in this struggle we know as living – for if we can’t talk about what our experiences are how can we talk about what our goals are. Love the pix and the scarves