The Sneeze That Moved the Earth

I’ve always had the morning sniffles. Since I was six years old, the first twenty minutes of every day have been welcomed by a collection of sneezes and lots of nose blowing. Over the years, I’ve discovered that I am allergic to down and that might have contributed to some of my morning joy, but I still greet many mornings with a lot of snot.

Even though I had read that one’s mucus membranes swell during pregnancy and allergies get worse, I couldn’t have remotely estimated the horrific effects all this would have on me. Almost immediately after the vomiting sessions dissipated, the sneezing began. We’re not talking your ordinary sneezing here. We’re talking the sort of sneeze that could easily be heard three blocks down the road. The sort of sneeze that rips muscles. The kind that causes hemorrhoids. The kind that is accompanied by projectile snot. The kind that makes me wonder whether my lungs are about to come out of my chest.

To add to the joy, I always sneeze in multiples. This isn’t a single loud sneeze. It’s one that comes out in triplets or twins. So unbelievably unreal that you’d think I’m doing it on purpose or to be funny. But there’s nothing funny about these sneezing sessions. They make me choke on my own saliva/snot combination. They make my already short breath run out. They hurt the few muscles that aren’t already hurting in my stomach. They are like an earthquake occurring inside my body. I can’t even begin to imagine what the baby must be experiencing each time one of them rips through my body. Thank God for all the insulation covering it.

For two months, the sneezing sessions would be continuous when I was awake. When my bladder gave out in the middle of the night and I got up to empty it, I would be guaranteed to sneeze for the next twenty-five minutes before the option of falling back asleep became available. Two hours later, another peeing session meant another sneezing attack. There were nights Jake and I gave up around 3am and figured we might as well start our day.

One would think I would run out of snot. Well, my body seems to make it faster and in greater quantities than I am spending. It’s as if each time I blow my nose, the snot decides to get stronger and fight me harder. It will not give up. It is determined to win. I have gone through 27 Kleenex tissue boxes and over 200 paper napkins in the last two months and still the snot is not showing any signs of weakness.

Just in case you’re thinking I’m stupid, I’ve changed sheets, I’ve tried different detergents, different pillows or anything else you can think of. The good news is that in the last two weeks, the night-time sneezing sessions seem to have disappeared. Now I’m only faced by a serious round when I wake up and several sessions that come unexpectedly during the day. My muscles are still miserable but my body, and Jake, get to enjoy a few hours of sleep between the peeing trips.