Pausing to Reflect

Ever since I decided this would be The Summer of Calm I’ve been putting up reminders everywhere. Trying to remember that calm is my goal and that I am at my best when I am calm and not reacting. I have them all over my computer so each time I type an email or respond to someone on instant message, I can see the reminder.

To honor my desire to be calm, I’ve been working quite hard. There are my own issues, of course, but the hardest part of staying calm is when interacting with other people. When people make offhand, mean remarks, I have to step back and tell myself that this is about them and not me. When the kids get really noisy or interrupt me in the middle of what’s clearly a stressful or busy moment, I have to take a breath, and remember that I chose to stay at home and I love being around them. I have to remember that they are young and don’t have good impulse-control just yet. I have to remember that they are angels 95% of the time. I have to remember all of this very quickly so that I don’t react.

And the biggest part is that I am learning not to be attached to things. At each moment of potential conflict, I am trying to pause for a moment and search inside myself. Listen to my true feelings. Do I really care about this issue or am I just trying to be right? Am I trying to win for the sake of winning? For the sake of looking good? Being important. I know there are cases where I find myself reacting cause it looks like it might be the right thing to do. Not because I am actually attached to either outcome. Sometimes I might even fight back for the sake of being contradictory. When the other person becomes aggressive and assertive, I try to outdo them. I can fight with the best of them. I’m no coward.

But the point is, it’s so stupid. If I don’t really, truly care, then I am not really attached to either outcome. I don’t want to fight battles for the sake of fighting them. Needlessly create a chasm between me and the other person. And, more terribly, spin myself into a frenzy of stress. If the end result isn’t important to me, I should just let it go.

But it’s hard.

Sometimes it’s really, really hard. Even being able to step back in that split second and realize that I don’t have a dog in this fight is hard. We’re so conditioned to respond to stimuli. I was listening to another Tara Bracht podcast this morning (I listen to them every morning now; they are excellent.) and she was saying how what meditation does is add to this delay. To the reaction time. So you can have extra seconds (or maybe only milliseconds) to become aware and think so you don’t react but you act. Those milliseconds are so precious. And if meditating will give them to me, I am on board. Just tell me where to sign up.

Because here’s what I know: when I can take the few extra (milli)seconds to realize that I don’t actually have a stake in the outcome, that I don’t really mind either outcome, then I can stop the fight before it starts. I can remember my list and I can let it go. Because once I remember that it doesn’t matter, it’s easy to let go.

It’s that precious pause that’s the hard part.