I woke up this morning and I was tired. I sleep for over eight hours, so I can’t imagine that’s it, but maybe it is. Maybe my body needs nine hours. Anyway. Then I started my morning routine. Exercised, showered, we all got dressed, ate breakfast, and then sketched. Then I started work. But I was still tired. More importantly, I was moody.
If I am honest with myself, I’ve been moody for some time now. I am trying to snap out of it and I have had moments of joy and even days full of contentment. But there’s an underlying moodiness. One of those periods when negative thoughts pop into my head way more often than positive ones. When my drive and willingness to do anything is low. (Which of course perpetuates the cycle since I won’t do what it takes to snap myself out of it.)
And I am sort of unpredictable. Even in the middle of joy, a tiny word or action can take me back down to the annoyed/moody place. Not depressed but cranky.
If you asked me what’s going on, I can tell you long stories about it. I have many reasons why all these things are happening. But, the fact is, most of the reasons are bullshit. (sorry for the cursing, i generally try not do that here but i needed something stronger than ‘made up’.) I mean, sure, things could be better. But, really, there’s just no reason for me to be the way I am being. There’s no reason to go through life this way. Doing the motions. And looking at every single thing with a pessimistic bias. I was watching this talk on the optimism bias today and kept thinking how I just don’t function that way. I am pessimistic about the future. Maybe not pessimistic but anxious. I worry all the time. All.the.time. My mind goes to the most negative outcome possible. It definitely doesn’t serve me.
But back to my moodiness. Years ago, I took this class that basically said that we go through different emotions mostly for chemical reasons. Happy. Sad. None of them mean anything. We like to attribute meaning to a good day and to a bad day but most of it is just chemical. (Obviously not when something significant happens and your mood changes right then, like being proposed to or getting in a car accident, etc. But on any ordinary day.) And, while I am not sure I buy this thought, I love the idea of reminding myself that “It doesn’t mean anything.” So today I woke up moody. So what.
Attributing meaning tends to do one of two things for me. I make it someone else’s problem which means it’s out of my hands; I am hopeless to fix it. So now it’s not in my control and I just sit here and feel small, out of control, frustrated. Or I make it this big problem that needs to be solved and I can’t be happy until it is. This puts me into the postponement world. So I hold happiness hostage until the issue is resolved. And if it’s something I can’t resolve soon, well I get to be unhappy.
Both of these are ridiculous.
At the moment, I am stuck in some situations that I am not happy with. But I took some time and decided I am not ready to change them yet. The outcome of change could be much worse than how things are. And I am just not willing to take that risk yet. This puts me in scenario two above. I can’t solve it. And I attribute almost all my moodiness to these situations. I hear myself thinking “if this and that were different…” then I get to be happy. Then I can quit being moody. Then I can enjoy my life.
Ok I won’t curse again but I am thinking the same word.
So. I decided today that next time I am moody, I am going to do three things:
1. Remember that it doesn’t mean anything. It will go away. My moods do change. And this one will, too.
2. Remember that it was my choice to leave the situation as is. I am choosing this so I need to choose to work with it and to not let it get to me. To find my way through it. But that the choice is mine and I am not trapped.
3. Remember to journal gratitudes. I have been doing this on and off and I noticed that I do truly get happier when I do it.
So here we are. I know this is a bit all over the place. But if you’re in the same place as I am where you feel a bit stuck and feel moody but are in a situation you’re not ready to change just yet, maybe some of these will help you, too.
One other thing I am trying to do is to do more of the activities that bring joy to me. Art, friends, TV, hugging my kids whatever it is. I am trying not to judge, but to do them all.
You can never have too much joy, if you ask me.
I find it very interesting to learn that there are people out there who are similar to myself. Not with moodiness – I am not a moody person, I’m mostly simply mood less, I don’t have high and low swings. But with pessimism. I ALWAYS picture the worst case scenario. And I mean WORST. I didn’t think other people did that until I started reading your blog. It sucks because part of me HATES that other people feel like I do with the worrying, stressing about everything but part of me is SO glad to not be the only one who stresses out like that!!
Well said…I know about this… Oh, so well! I keep working at striving for peace of mind and at least a sense of contentment all my life.If I reach the state of joy I savor the moment and appreciate it.
Sometimes brain chemicals send me on a roller coaster ride. I am constantly working on improving this.
I first want to say that I can relate. I get into what I call “a funk” for periods of time. Usually every couple of months or so and they last a couple of weeks or so. It’s a time when I’m just blah about everything and am easily annoyed. I just ride it out and let myself feel it. If I punish myself about having those feelings, it just makes them last longer.
The part of being stuck in a situation also resonated with me. I’m a CPA. With a husband and three kids at home, tax season is hard. really hard. But it’s my decision to do it. There’s a certain mindset when I know something is not going to last forever (and I know the end date, like April 15). I just buckle down and do it, taking solace that the end is closer every day. And I try not to be cranky or have so much stress about it that my stomach hurts terribly. Then there’s the mindset that comes with knowing it’s never going to end. I’m currently seriously considering going back to work full time year round in the office (which means more than full time during tax season) Outside of tax season I mostly work from home, so this will be a major adjustment for all of us. Once this decision is made for sure, it’ll become a mindset of just doing it. So with your decisions, is there an end, or no end? Either way, the hard part is already done. You’ve made the decision. And you know what, even if “this and this were different”, or aren’t, you still get to be happy. You always get to be happy. You always get to enjoy your life. Don’t wait!
This really resonates with me too, Karen, and I appreciate and am going to work on applying your three-step response. It always seems to be *something* that is “keeping me from being happy” but you’re right, I’ve made choices to live with the things/situations causing me pain right now because the alternative is just too disruptive and catastrophic. It would solve that particular pain but cause so much more, not only for myself but my loved ones. So remembering that it’s a choice and the best one I can make right now, is always worth coming back to. Thank you. 🙂
I think you and I are in very similar places! Especially, for me, the wanting for certain things to get better before I can be happy. I also resonate with what you said about worrying over the future. Part of this just comes with the territory of working in the computer industry…it is hard to trust that a job will really always be there. But I hate how that worry is so relentless and it impacts almost every choice I make, or at least the ones that have to do with money. I try to remind myself to have more faith…but that is hard.
At any rate: I’m glad you swore. It’s OK sometimes. The right word is the right word! 🙂