At some point, very early on in my life, I decided that I didn’t belong. I was different from just about everyone around me. Different from the rest of my family members and different from all the kids I was surrounded by. (Which sort of makes sense since they were the kids of my parents’ friends. Not a direct indicator but there’s probably correlation there.)
Remember how I talked about stories yesterday? I created this story about not belonging way back then and I just fed it pretty much my whole life. This morning, while I was exercising and listening to Christy’s words in her new class, it sort of came to me that I had never managed to shed this particular story.
Even though my whole life has centered around trying to get rid of it.
Thanks to the initial seeds of this idea of being different, I decided pretty early on that I would not stay in Turkey. I would grow up and go to America where I could be anything and anyone I wanted and it would be ok. I was in elementary school when I first decided to leave home for college. And I stuck with it all the way through middle and high school. I left as soon as I graduated and I never looked back.
While there are many reasons why I am grateful to be here in the U.S. and why it was the best choice for me, the one reason that I think originally propelled me to it didn’t actually get resolved. Yes, it’s true that you can be anyone you want to be here. And it’s true that there are parts of me that are more accepted. But the fact remains that I still feel on the outside.
Every step of my life, I’ve found a reason to think that I didn’t belong where I was. When I got into college, I got in through the wait-list. So when I got there, I had the nagging feeling that I just didn’t deserve it and had gotten lucky. Even as I graduated with honors, made a lot of good friends, had several great positions, the nagging feeling stayed there. As I went to Wall Street, the feeling continued. I always felt like everyone around me knew what they were doing except for me. And that I would just get caught at any moment and it would all be over. I didn’t really belong there. I better not get comfortable.
Of course same for being in the U.S. Until I got my green card, I worried about not getting it. When I got it, I worried about not getting citizenship. Being deported. Mind you, there never was any reason for anything to fear, but I did. It’s what I do best.
I worried all through Goldman. Even through promotions and special work arrangements to make me happier. All through it. When I quit that and did Teach For America, I worried about not belonging there. Being too old. Not good enough. That I got in by chance. Not hard work. And, of course, when I quit that before my term was up, it was a clear sign of what I knew all along: I didn’t belong. I couldn’t cut it.
And then through the next job and even now at Google, I always think of myself as an outsider. The outlier who got lucky.
It’s not just work, of course. My son changed schools at the beginning of this year. So we came in at first grade and I’ve spent the whole year thinking I don’t belong. I am the outsider there. The latecomer. I didn’t go to most of the events, and if I did, I sat on the corner, quiet, and like I didn’t belong. Same for my reading groups. Even as I talk (i am very talkative in person so not talking, especially about books, is not an option) I feel like I am on the outside. Like I am observing, being a guest. Not one of them. It probably doesn’t look like that to the people around me because I do talk and I do participate. But the constant feeling I have inside is of not belonging.
I noticed this morning that I do this all the time. I am not in the “in crowd.” Ever. And I always assume there is one. Everyone is friends with each other but me. This is how the tape in my brain goes.
But what I also realized this morning is that this very story is what stops me from being able to belong. This very story causes me to play it safe, to sit on the sidelines, to not try. A part of me thinks that if I did belong it would just happen naturally. Automatically with no effort. But I realize now that it’s not true. There’s a difference between making an effort and faking it. I can make an effort to reach out to people more, to connect, to sign up for things, to show up more and I can do all of that while being the authentic version of me.
Like I said yesterday, everything changes with perception so I can change my perception of who I am and where I belong. I can belong because I say I do. I can stop waiting for others to deem me worthy. And just deem myself so.
I can stop feeling like I am on the outside of things. Give up that there’s something wrong with me. That I need permission from some person. Some undefined person.
I can be the person who gives me permission. I can belong because I say so. And maybe by saying it I will finally realize that I do belong.
I always have.
Oh! Yes, yes, yes, that’s totally me too! And some times I am proud of it because I don’t want to be just like everyone else, I want to be different. And sometimes it makes me angry- like with the school situation- we changed part way through the year because we moved countries and didn’t get given a bunch of valuable information because we weren’t part of ‘the pack’. And I most certainly use it as an excuse not to go out and do things that are outside my comfort zone. I think things like “Oh I’m not a…. hockey mum …. mothers group mum ….airforce wife and then restrict myself from activities that ‘those people’ would do. I’m not sure I’m ready to shed that ‘protective skin’ yet but I thank you for bringing it to my attention.
maybe we can work on shedding them slowly together. just a little bit at a time 🙂
I’m surprised that you came to the us this late. Can’t tell you have an accent at all. Did you start learning english at a young age?
This post sounds like me. When you were on that paperclipping round table episode, I thought you were hovering, close, but not exactly in. I listened and I thought, this must be what I sound like when I”‘m in a group discussion. It’s not good or bad, it’s just different. It’s not disconnection either. But I could hear how you view things which is different from the most. And I was wondering if you felt that way yourself. Apparently you did!
I don’t mind the feeling, and I don’t think most can tell I feel that way right away. I talk, socialize, have fun, but most of the time I’m not quite there no matter how hard I try or pretend. I know people can kind of sense it too without able to pinpoint what’s different about me, and they don’t connect with me or relax in front of me like how they act around others.
And after watching a TED Talk about vulnerability by brene brown just a few days ago, I had a realization, not confirmed yet, but a suspiscion, that I refuse to be vulnerable in front of anyone, including my family. Everyone is like that more or less, but I know I’m more protective of myself than my peers. I subconsciously want to prove I am capable, smart, and independent. I don’t know why. But people open up to those who don’t mind making a fool of themselves, not the person who does everything right and seeks perfection.
You should watch the talk if you haven’t. I’m curious what you think about that. And you’re absolutely right about perception. Our attitude is mostly in our head. Isn’t there a carnegie relationship class that has trainees to go out and role play, like for introverts to pretend they’re extroverts, or vice versa. The trainees reported how differently others reacted to them.
Just read this after leaving my own comment about how much I enjoy Karen and that she’s a part of the PRT circle — then I see you felt that she was not a part of the circle. Surprised me. I wonder if you felt that way because she expressed one different opinion? I definitely don’t feel that way. Karen is one of my favorite guests to have on. She’s been on a few times and I consider her a regular. She’s great at inserting her voice (we look for guests who insert themselves well) and the only reason I can think of that would make you feel like she was just hovering in the group (of course I could be missing something) is that she expressed one difference of opinion.
And interestingly, we look for guests who do that. I encourage them to do it before we start most episodes. So that is exactly what makes Karen fit into PRT so well. I sure hope Karen doesn’t feel that way!
Anyway, Becks — I just wanted to let you know that Karen IS a part of the PRT family circle.
I started learning English around 5th grade so I did start much earlier than college. And I’ve now been here twenty years 🙂 To be honest, during the Roundtable I didn’t feel like an outsider at all. Maybe I came off that way cause I was hesitant? I think sometimes I worry I’m gonna talk a lot (which I do in real life) and I try to respect that I am one of the guests on the show. Noell and the others are amazing about letting me talk as much as I want but I am always conscious of it and worry about it cause I think of it as a flaw I have. So maybe I came off like that cause I was trying to be quieter. Not that I managed it since I talked so much anyway! My views were different in some aspects but honestly even that wasn’t different as much as it came off. I, too, like Angie and Noell enjoy and use design principles on my pages. I was just saying that sometimes I worry people get stuck on them too much and worry. But i think my timing was off and my worry about talking too much spilled over and I talked and talked 🙂
I have, of course, watched Brene’s talk. I am a huge huge fan of Brene. I think that I am definitely vulnerable but I feel like I am an acquired taste so when I am in new or foreign settings, I tend to worry. I know that people who finally get me can see my big heart and then love me deeply. It’s just getting there 🙂
What I was trying to say most significantly was about my personal struggle with feeling a lack of belonging from inside myself. Not due to others or circumstances but just a deeper feeling on unworthiness that’s rooted in me which causes me to negate any sign of belonging others might show me. I’m the one who needs to do the work cause I’m the one whose perception is off 🙂
thank you so much for your kind words. if you have seen other talks like Brene’s please please do send them my way, I do love them so much.
Karen, your last few posts on this subject have brought some tears to my eyes. I know these feelings. It too took me a long time to shake it. Sometimes, it lingers its way back. For me it came out of not being a part of “the group.” Or at least I never thought I was. Even when I, one of the geeky kids, ended up in classes with just the geeks, I didn’t feel as if I belonged there either. I finally made up my mind that it didn’t matter. As an adult, I found myself oddly elected to a board position – when I didn’t even vote for myself. That was in a way, justification and acceptance for me. As a matter of fact, I now find my name keeps coming up in leadership positions in different places. Something I NEVER expected or tried to do. I think by just admitting to myself that belonging comes in different flavors and isn’t so much about being “liked” or friends with everyone, that I’ve been able to accept that I may or may not belong and it is all ok.
Thank you for sharing this Peggy, it’s interesting what finally does the trick isn’t it. Different for each of us. I am always surprised at what sometimes does it for me. I thnk you made a pithy point about it not being about “liked,” I am going to have to remember that more. thank you so much!
Thanks for sharing this. You’ve done amazing things despite feeling this way (leaving your home country on your own, working for google, etc.).
I’ve always felt different from everybody else, too — but I like people who are different and so I also like the idea of BEING different. Growing up I’ve also had the idea that I’m coming into things without the prior training and experience that everyone else had. I can give some specific examples of when that was a fact, but as I get older I realize I ALWAYS feel that way, and maybe much of it is just human feelings of inadequacies.
Anyway, I’m here to say that the people I’ve always sought out in my life are the people who are different. When people are just “normal” I get bored. My best friends are all a little quirky and I LOVE it. My own family and children are different and quirky.
So maybe that’s why I enjoy you so much! And by the way, I consider you a part of the PRT circle of peeps. 🙂
thank you! I am so honored to be a part of the PRT circle of peeps!! 🙂
Bravo! I feel the same way much of the time. My husband is that little voice that says “You can belong becasue you say you do. If you want people to accept you and welcome you, you need to reach out too.” and he’s right. And I’m trying. Love your blog.
how nice to have your husband be that voice. sounds like you married the right man!! 🙂 thank you so much for your kind words.
I’m the same way- I was born with Spina Bifida and even though I’m okay I always FELT different. I realized some time ago that I put MYSELF on the outside. And it’s a choice that I make all the time. But the ironic thing is that when I realized it, I felt incredible freedom. I LIKE being outside. I like being my own individual. I like having boundaries. I like being able to detach when I need to, to not go to events, to keep to myself. As much as I love being included, I don’t always want to join in. I don’t know if that makes any sense. I’m not sure if my being introverted comes as a result of my “otherness” or it would have been there regardless, and I’d be struggling with it if I were perfectly “normal”, but I’m learning to really embrace it.