Nathaniel’s class went away for their first sleepover camp this week. They went to pie ranch which was just an hour or so away.
He was super excited to go.
He loves spending time with his friends.
So this is a situation where he thrives.
here are a few photos he took while he was there.
love the sign. love the goat.
love that he took a photo of this rumi quote!
they did farm chores, ate pie and spent a lot of time running around.
so grateful for these magical experiences, and so grateful he’s back safe.
Stories from 2018 is a year-long project for 2018. You can read more about my projects for 2018here.
I get hung up on the smallest things sometimes. Details that really don’t matter in the scheme of life. Details that nag at me and cause me to be my ungenerous self and yet I can’t let go. They poke at me. They scream inside my head.
This happened to me earlier this week when something really small happened and I just couldn’t let it go and I got really upset and then really angry and then I felt really ashamed of my behavior and got really, really sad. This is what Tara Brach calls the second arrow of self-judgement. Where I am feeling the pain and then I hurt myself more by judging myself on top of it. And the whole time I was still having trouble letting go of the little thing and that only added to my shame. I want to be a better person that that. I want to be able to remind myself what matters most and I want that to override all the other worries.
I don’t know how to do this.
On good days, I can remember what matters. I can remember to be my best self. I can remember to be kind and generous and loving. But in these moments, I am so triggered that it almost doesn’t matter what else is going on. Everything is filtered through the narrow, negative lens of what’s going on in my head. My heart is tiny. My thoughts are spinning, leaving no room for anything. Especially no room for being present. Being able to see what’s actually happening in this moment.
This is also what makes me yell when I don’t want to. This is what is happening each time I do something I later regret. I am not remembering what matters most. I am not remembering that I care more about loving kindness than I care about anything else. I know deep down in my heart that I want to love and be loved and honestly it’s all I want. It’s something that can’t be replaced by any belonging or work recognition. I don’t want to look good, i want to be good and do good, especially for those whom I love but honestly for everyone. I want to be able to be kind all the time. I want to be able to remind myself that I care more about this than anything else.
Always.
But I struggle. And I don’t know the trick. How do I make sure to channel that in those moments where I am triggered. How can I quiet the voices inside down quickly and swiftly so I can remember?
That’s what’s on my mind this week. I haven’t figured it out. Still pondering.
On My Mind is a year-long project for 2018. You can read more about my projects for 2018 here.
How I got Stronger this week: This was the week in between, when I was home for a few days before I take off again. I was tired and didn’t have a lot of free time but I still tried to exercise several times. I did the Tabata a few of the days and rested on the others. I worked for Google IO for a few days, I also went out to book club one night and went to the kids’ school 4 times this week so it was full full full. I will say that I have a long list of things rattling in my mind and I am wishing I had some time to seriously slow down and think about them. Unfortunately, I am not sure that will happen anytime reasonably soon. I will be in Tokyo next week and then I am home for four weeks but I have another big summit to plan during that time as well as all the end of the school year activities. After that we are traveling East and then come home briefly to then go on our big summer trip. So there’s no rest until around July for me. At which point, I am sure I will need a few weeks to catch up on my work and jetlag and more. So maybe August is my slow month before a new school year starts and puts everything into a frenzy again. Anyhow all this is weighing heavily on me lately and I feel like I am having a tough time catching up to my life. So my ability to fulfill some of the goals of wanting to be stronger is feeling weaker than I’d like. Maybe what I need is a re-definition of the word strong here. Or some way of framing myself to be able to be successful in between all the trips. I don’t want these two months to feel like a blur. I want to live the days but I also want to give myself some room to breathe. Anyhow, this is not about how I got stronger, but more about what I’m struggling with in this space, I guess.
Top Goals Review: the pm summit is shaping up a bit more and I am feeling so-so about it still but optimistic that we will pull something together. Did the HIIT (tabata really), didn’t journal a lick, ate so-so and rested but not enough. Packed again. Helped Nathaniel and snuggled with him and spent some time with David and Jake, too.
I celebrate: I celebrate Nathaniel’s wonderful time away from home, i celebrate my husband who had a great meeting this week, and i celebrate david who performed this week.
I am grateful for: the lovely weather we’ve been having this week, a little sunshine can fix so many things.
Karen’s Points: tabata this month, i alternate between two different ones and then take a rest day.
A Change I embraced: nothing super specific is coming to mind this week. i was jetlagged but decided to roll with it and go to bed late and still wake up at 6am to see if I can help prep myself for Tokyo. we’ll find out.
I let go of: i dropped the ball in all sorts of ways this week but i am not sure that i let go of any of it, i just really feel tired.
Core Desired Feelings Check-in:
- Fresh: really liking doing the japanese and a lot of the IO work was fresh 🙂
- Magical: magical to see how excited nathaniel was to leave on his school trip
- Lighter: lighter with knowing i might finally have a back fill.
- True: truth is that i am tired. i am feeling sad. overwhelmed. and a bit disconnected from myself lately. i am also happy and grateful but underneath it, i am struggling with aligning my expectations with my life lately.
Where I chose Joy: i went to pick up nathaniel when he got back from his trip and it was the best moment of my week.
I showed up for: my kids this week. spent a lot of time with N on his project
A Mistake I made this week: i really broke my son’s heart last night and i am still heartbroken about it. i apologized and he accepted of course because he’s kind and loving but i am really sad about it.
What I tolerated this week: a lot of churn.
My mood this week was: tired but grateful, too.
I forgive myself for: still not feeling grounded for the summit work. it will come together, i have faith.
What I love right now: The greatest showman soundtrack.
Weekly Reflection is a year-long project for 2018. You can read more about my projects for 2018 here.
Weekly Intention: As you read this, I’m flying to Tokyo. I will arrive pretty late Monday and spend three and half days there and come back from Friday before David gets back from his trip, hopefully. David will be Yosemite the whole week, back country backpacking with his class. He’s not thrilled but I know it will be an adventure he won’t forget. I arranged my flight so I can be back before he is. So Nathaniel and Jake will be together just the two of them this week and I will be with my new team in Tokyo. I haven’t been to Tokyo since 1999. Back then, I spent six months there working for Goldman Sachs which is in fact in the same exact building Google is in so it will be interesting to go to the exact same spot where I was and see how much I remember, see how much has changed, see how I feel this time. I am nervous and excited and honestly so tired that a little unable to feel much. I have been studying some of my Japanese (which I used to be able to speak so much better 20 years ago) and mentally preparing myself for food I know I don’t like. So, anyway, here’s my intention for this week: I want to really be present with the people I am there with. I have some work I feel like I need to do while I am there but outside of that, I want to really focus on getting closer to the teams there and have the very best time I can. I want to be kind, generous, open.
This month’s intention is: Quietly Strong: How can you bring more calm into this month? May is chaotic with lots of endings and transitions. Celebrate but also stay calm. Stay grounded. What will help here? How can I show up as my best self?
One way I will stretch this week: Being in Tokyo will stretch me plenty.
One boundary I will set this week: I will make sure to go to sleep as early as possible on each of the nights. I know I will need my rest.
This week, I will focus on pleasing: my new manager+team.
One new thing I will learn this week: still Japanese.
One area where I will go deeper this week: the work my new team is planning to discuss.
What do I need to sit with this week? the overwhelm i seem to be feeling.
I am looking forward to: alone time on the plane, seeing tokyo again.
This week’s challenges: jetlag+a lot of socializing
Top Goals:
- Work: a successful tokyo summit + get pm summit in a good place
- Personal: do tabata, journal, eat well, rest.
- Family: come home and hug the kids super tight, support jake remotely as much as i can, chat daily
I will focus on my values:
- Love: self care and self love in all the down moments this week
- Learn: japanese, more about each team member
- Peace: peace with being away again
- Service: to the new team.
- Gratitude: to getting to go to tokyo again after all these years
This week, I want to remember: that i am doing a good job, there are phases in life and this is the one i am in at this moment.
Stronger Than Before is a year-long project for 2018. You can read more about my projects for 2018 here.
This week is about Nathaniel’s birthday, take your kid to work day, concert at nathaniel’s class.
Iove these photos so much!
they had two photo booths which of course i love love love too!
and another week down.
Moments from this Week 2018 is a year-long project for 2018. You can read more about my projects for 2018 here.
       
I flew long distance this week so that meant, there was much reading.
I really enjoyed The Gunners even though it took me a while to really get into it.
Sophia of Silicon Valley maybe should have been but wasn’t all that interesting to me considering I work in the Valley and understood the not so well disguised references. It was ok but really reasonably mediocre.
Tyler Johnson Was Here was another powerful book about gun violence. I believe these books are important to write and to read.
Only Human was the final installment of the Themis files and I loved it. I loved this whole series. I hope this author writes more.
Not That Bad was another book that I read because I believe it’s important to read. It was a very tough read but I am glad I did.
It’s Not Always Depression was interesting. I skimmed parts of it but I liked the idea behind it, I’ll see if I can use in the next month and then I’ll know how powerful it really was.
Genuine Fraud was trying too hard. I felt the same way about her previous book so I am not sure why I even read this one but there we are.
My Twentieth Century Evening and Other Small Breakthroughs: The Nobel Lecture was a super fast read and I love love love Ishiguro so I knew I was going to like it and of course I did.
Still in the book rut. I am still starting and stopping so many books.
Books I Read this Week 2018 is a year-long project for 2018. You can read more about my projects for 2018 here.
I tend to lead a relatively over-scheduled and disciplined life. I have a lot of goals and I work hard to achieve most of them. In the last few years, I’ve slowly made a lot of changes that moves me more and more away from the time wasters in my life. I watch no TV anymore and I only have Instagram which I will check a few times a day.
While I really like using my time well and productively, one thing I noticed this week is that I really need to make more space for magic in my life. Those moments where I really feel connected and my soul sings and really important to me. So much so that magical is one of my Core Desired Feelings this year. During my trip to Sydney, I made sure to take a moment and go to the beach, even if just for an hour, even if it was going to cost me too much in cabfare. It was magical to sit by the water and have a few moments for myself.
On the way home, I usually read books because I feel sad if I waste my time watching movies I don’t like. But this time, I watched The Greatest Showman and it almost immediately made me happy. I watched the whole movie with so much joy that I ended up going back and rewatching some sections. I decided to double down on the joy by watching some of Call Me by Your Name for the rest of the duration. I love that movie so much.
These small moments were a reminder to me that I need to look for the magic more often. I need to go to the movies again, I need to listen to music loudly, I need to be willing to take a break from being productive 24/7 and the opposite of working hard is not vegging out, it’s looking for magic and letting it fill my soul.
So here’s to taking the time to look for the magic.
On My Mind is a year-long project for 2018. You can read more about my projects for 2018 here.
I can’t believe my little one is already nine. I don’t have any little boys any more. They are both so big now. Nathaniel spent his birthday day with me at work and then with his Dad in the afternoon. That Friday he got to celebrate it at school with all of his friends.
He got a box of lovely notes from all of his classmates.
And then on Saturday he had 3 friends over for pizza, fun and then rock climbing.
All in all it was a lovely week of celebrating this sweet, kind, funny, gentle, loving boy!! We love you so much Nathaniel and we are so so so so grateful to be your parents!!
Stories from 2018 is a year-long project for 2018. You can read more about my projects for 2018here.
Weekly Intention: This is my one week at home before I fly to Tokyo on Sunday. Early in the week, I am work heavy partly due to preparation for Google IO and partly to catch up from having been gone last week. And then Nathaniel leaves on Wednesday for a camping trip so I want to spend all my free moments with him on Monday and Tuesday since he comes back on Friday afternoon and I leave early Sunday. I have a trip to the school on Wednesday and twice on Friday. So it promises to be reasonably hectic. My intention is to spend a lot of time with the kids and Jake before I disappear again And then second intention is to seriously catch up at work so I feel like I am making tangible progress towards the work due next week and first week of June.
This month’s intention is: Quietly Strong: How can you bring more calm into this month? May is chaotic with lots of endings and transitions. Celebrate but also stay calm. Stay grounded. What will help here? I’ll say I was reasonably calm in Sydney. I hope this week goes so as well.
One way I will stretch this week: I will go a slight extra bit on work so I can feel good about where we are.
One boundary I will set this week: I will protect my time with the family and the work.
This week, I will focus on pleasing: my boys and me.
One new thing I will learn this week: Japanese. I am studying it again just to help jog some of my memory.
One area where I will go deeper this week: the summit. i will go as deep as I need to so I can make sure I feel like I have it under control.
What do I need to sit with this week? still how i am feeling i guess but honestly i don’t think it’s going to happen this week.
I am looking forward to: snuggling.
This week’s challenges: getting all the work into a solid shape.
Top Goals:
- Work: get pm summit in a good place, send homework for tokyo summit, and geist groups
- Personal: do HIIT, journal, eat well, rest, pack
- Family: help nathaniel, snuggle with nathaniel, spend time with david and jake
I will focus on my values:
- Love: lots of love to the boys this week before I disappear again
- Learn: japanese
- Peace: peace with the craziness of this week
- Service: to the boys and school.
- Gratitude: to having a full life.
This week, I want to remember: that it’s going to be okay, work will get done, everything will come together
Stronger Than Before is a year-long project for 2018. You can read more about my projects for 2018 here.
How I got Stronger this week: I’d hate to be repetitive but this, too, was a challenging week, I think I have about 5 of these coming up. I was in Australia all week and worked a bit of USA timezone as well as all of the Australia time zone. I woke up 2am one day for a meeting I wanted to make sure to dial into but otherwise it was relatively reasonable. I went to bed 7-8pm every night and woke up 4am every morning. I did HIIT two of the four days I was there and I plan to do it every day this week, too. It was hard but I am on it.
Top Goals Review: no speaker yet but still actively looking, didn’t really do very much here in general. may exercise is HIIT, journaled a total of zero times, ate so so, did rest a lot. helped nathaniel and talked to kids daily!
I celebrate: I celebrate being back home safely.
I am grateful for: the really good performance review I received this time around. super super grateful for people’s kindness.
Karen’s Points: working on HIIT for this month.
A Change I embraced: I ended up spending Saturday at work but it was worthwhile.
I let go of: worrying about time zones and what had to be done when and did as much as i could.
Core Desired Feelings Check-in:
- Fresh: started taking duolingo lessons online in preparation for my Tokyo trip.
- Magical: magical to get to snuggle with my kids. also i saw the Greatest Show on Earth on the plane which was also magical.
- Lighter: Lighter now that Sydney trip is done. Now I can fully focus on my new job.
- True: still feeling off. i was hoping to take some time in SYD but i had a lot of company on the way there and back so no moments alone and then i ended up sleeping at 7 each night so no time to work there either. Maybe I’ll get luckier with the trip to TOK.
Where I chose Joy: i chose joy for an hour on Friday when I went to go sit by the beach.
I showed up for: my old team this week by traveling to Sydney and putting together the summit.
A Mistake I made this week: i am still jumping the gun a bit more often than I’d like. I’d like to be quieter and more patient.
What I tolerated this week: exhaustion.
My mood this week was: so-so.
I forgive myself for: not getting enough done, i will catch up.
What I love right now: my family and how much i love being with them.
Weekly Reflection is a year-long project for 2018. You can read more about my projects for 2018 here.
I only took one photo this week. It’s a simple spread of just our ordinary life. I love those the most of all.
Moments from this Week 2018 is a year-long project for 2018. You can read more about my projects for 2018 here.
   
Circe was an okay read for me, I liked bits of it a lot and thought other bits dragged on longer than necessary but it was different and interesting.
Unbury Carol had such an interesting premise but the book really wasn’t a good fit for me and I didn’t connect with it at any point.
We read The Princess Bride as part of LitClub I teach in my kids’ school and I hate hate hate the movie so I was really not looking forward to reading the book but I will admit that I absolutely loved this book. It was fantastic and hilarious and just such a joy to read.
Family and Other Catastrophes was terrible. It was offensive on so many levels and I know that was on purpose but it was just over the top and I truly didn’t like it. I should have stopped reading it long long before it ended. Absolutely terrible for me.
I’m in a terrible book rut. I keep starting and stopping so many books. Which is extra depressing because I am about to get on an airplane soon again where I have a lot of time to read. So here’s to hoping I get out of the rut!
Books I Read this Week 2018 is a year-long project for 2018. You can read more about my projects for 2018 here.
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projects for twenty twenty-four
projects for twenty twenty-three
projects for twenty twenty-two
projects for twenty twenty-one
projects for twenty nineteen
projects for twenty eighteen
projects from twenty seventeen
monthly projects from previous years
some of my previous projects
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