I walked over to the coffeeshop today just to encourage myself to do a long walk. When I got there I decided to get a coffee and a baked good.
The two options were either a brownie or a lemon cookie. I asked the barista which one she would recommend and she said she’s not a big chocolate person. I told her I was and she said well then she would definitely recommend the brownie.
As she handed it to me she said something along the lines of it being a treat that I deserved or maybe she said indulgence I can’t remember. But I do remember that I thought words matter and how we use our words also matter.
Calling the brownie an indulgence immediately made me think “do I deserve it?” I could tell there was a tape in my head that said well you ate all those vegetables earlier today so it must be okay. And then another voice saying you’re never going to be thin if you keep eating brownies. And yet another one saying you’re already almost 50 when do you stop worrying about these things. All these voices inside my head just from a single word.
I have been trying really hard to unlearn all of the tapes in my head about what’s a good food and what’s a bad food. I’ve been trying to pay attention to what I’m craving and just eating only the amount that I actually want. I’ve been paying attention to the words I use and the words others use.
It is so hard to unlearn things especially when they’re all around you all the time. And I felt really proud today for being able to catch all those conversations in my head and for being able to order the brownie anyway and eat only as much as I wanted and then put the rest away. And most importantly for not feeling guilty or ashamed or even daring.
It’s going to be a long journey for me to normalize all the foods and maybe it may never happen but this is also part of the wellness journey for me. Paying attention, noticing, being intentional. And as always giving myself grace again and again and again.
The Best Part of this Week: The best part of this week was playing card games with little boy, we laughed so hard.
I celebrate: we had a get together with some of my coworkers from my first project at google, almost fifteen years ago. it was lovely to see them.
I am grateful for: the kindness of friends in what was a really tough week.
This week, I exercised: I did so much exercise this week! 50 mins of core exercises, 50 mins of arms exercises, 40 mins of other strength classes, 60 minutes on the bike, 40 minutes of yoga, 40 minutes of stretching, and 3 hours of walking.
This week, I said yes to: opera while i journaled and meditation in bed!
I said no to: a lot of things while I was going through a rough period at work.
I honored my values (love, learn, peace, service, gratitude): my 100 days of radical wellness plan is still helping here.
Top Goals Review:
Work: talked to L, sort of helped kickstart NBU, make a plan for L/D.
Personal: definitely continuing to tinker with and edit plan
Family: took a walk with J. did one thing with N and did not do one thing with D.
My mood this week was: stressed and then miserable and then peaceful.
I am proud of: communicating my needs.
I release: all the pain from this week. it was a painful week.
Here’s what I learned this week: that it’s ok to take what i need.
It’s amazing how much life can seem like it will never change and yet so much changes all the time.
Today, I was reading some of the journaling I did when I taught fifth grade in the Bronx back in 2002/3. At the time I was really struggling and it felt like life would never stop being miserable.
Similarly, when the big boy was born, he wouldn’t sleep for more than 45 minutes at a time. Month after month, we got delirious with lack of sleep. It felt like it would never end.
I can remember so many of these instances. And yet they each ended. Every single one of them.
This pandemic will end, too. We will get to the other side of this, we will resume life and create a new normal, we will grow and change and adapt to a new life and this will feel like all the other things we’ve endured. A painful but distant memory.
Because change is the only constant in our lives.
Yes to being here now and yes to knowing that this phase of life is transient. Here’s to hoping we make it through as safely as possible.
Little boy decided he wanted to play card games today. So he taught me this game. It’s a speed game and we had to play it so fast that it was not possible to not laugh each time. So we raced, we giggled and we played again and again. Laughing so hard that I was crying.
It was the best part of the day.
Yes to laughter. Yes to togetherness. Yes to saying yes.
Today was mostly a rest day. I didn’t achieve all my goals this week but I did well and i.am grateful.
The best part of being in California is getting to walk outside in the sunshine almost every single day of the year. I decided to take advantage of it and got my audiobook to keep my company as I walked around snapping photos and enjoying the sunshine.
I feel like some weeks fly by and other weeks just drag and drag. And I walk into some Fridays relaxed and present and others are just a mess. I feel like this Friday came kicking and screaming and I spent most of my day trying to re-ground myself and recover from the mess that was this week
But recover I did
I had the conversations I needed to have and the conversations I was scared to have. I did most of my work. And then I just decided it was time to take care of me. So I exercised and did some yoga and decided it was time to rest in a bath.
Now I feel grounded and much more peaceful than I did this morning. I still have too much email sitting in my inbox and at some point I will have to clear it up. But I think I made the right choices today. And I’m grateful to have had the space to make that possible.
Yes to showing up for ourselves. Yes to doing what we need. Yes to connecting.
Here’s what I found out today. This project is working out for me amazingly well. I had a pretty tough week this week and I was still able to do most of what I want to do for myself and having this project is help me make the right choices.
I’m exercising more. I am eating better. I am taking time to connect with myself. I am taking time to do my art. And I’m trying to take better care of my body.
And when a day is exceptionally tough and I don’t do those things I am now giving myself so much more grace because I know that I do them more days than not.
Some of the days are tougher. Today was a tough day at work and I am letting myself feel that because saying yes is also about feeling my feelings.
And yes I also got to connect with a close college friend with whom I hadn’t chatted with in at least 6 years. Between that and my morning chat with my friend Kelly, I am grateful for good friends and for friends whom you can neglect for years and then chat with as if no time passed at all. So thankful for friends like that. So thankful for friends in general.
Yes to feeling what is. Yes to friends. Yes oh yes to good friends.
This morning I woke up and did all my meditation and exercise before any of my day started.
And I am grateful that I did that because my day went downhill fast and now I have no interest in this project or doing well. All I want to do is lie on the couch.
But that’s ok and I can give myself grace and I am glad I moved my body this morning. Tomorrow is a new day and there will be more opportunities to do more.
Years ago, I took this class at work that was about how I used my energy and how I optimized around things that give me energy versus take away energy etc.
One of the things the teacher highlighted was that there were ways to stack up things that we wanted to do. For example, I might want time to connect with my kid and I also might want to get healthier so one way to do both is to go take a walk with my kid.
Last night I got to take a bath and relax and also at the same time talk to my mom and my nephew which checked off my connection bucket. This morning I got to listen to classical music and journal at the same time. It’s been interesting to see how I can combine some of these wellness activities that I care about.
now that I’ve experienced a few of these I think I’m going to look at them and see if there are more possible opportunities for stacking.
Things are still mostly going well and I’m trying to get a good balance between giving myself grace and encouraging myself to do more of the items on my list because they are all meaningful to me.
Wednesdays are hard. Today my first meeting was 8am and my last meeting ended at 8pm. In the middle there, I had to go get groceries, put them all away, cook some food for the week and now it’s 8:37 and I feel beat.
I noticed this last Wednesday so this week I chose to exercise in the morning instead and now I am tired but I am grateful for the decision I made this morning to get out of bed and exercise.
The evening me is thanking the morning me.
I think paying attention to the flow of the days, hours, weeks and months is something I haven’t done enough of and when I do I see benefits pretty quickly. There’s so much good in going with the flow vs trying to swim upstream.
Yes to paying attention and yes to working with what is.
