Painting: I read about the #pantonechallenge2020 back in August and ordered myself the set of postcards and a set of acrylic gouache and did one card to try and then let them sit thinking I would use them for this year’s 100-day challenge but now I’ve been painting them and having so much fun so I am not sure if I will use them for that or just have fun whenever I am in the mood.
My kid and husband don’t love the lettering, they think it should be either art or lettering but I like it so here I went small since I was conflicted…
As with all the previous years, I knew I wanted to pick my core desired feelings this year, too. If you want to know more about core desired feelings, please go to my post from 2016 and you can see the links there.
I usually pick words to sit alongside my olw. And to do that I follow Danielle Laporte’s Core Desired Feelings framework, but this year, the words came to me really quickly without even having to do any exercise. These words speak to me deeply at this moment in time. And they are all ways I deeply want to feel in 2024.
Slow: i would like to slow down and let myself move slowly and more intentionally. I’ve been thinking a lot about slow long walks, slow yoga, and other ways to move my body and build my strength slowly and gently. I tend to do everything fast, my brain works too fast and i speak fast, i listen on 2x speed to everything and it’s always go go go. I want to experiment with slowing down and seeing what happens.
Ease: this is a little like slow but it’s more about letting things be. Not taking on what’s not mine to carry. Not making things about me. Holding something momentarily and then letting it go. Allowing myself to choose ease. This is not always doing what’s easy. But choosing to let something be easy by not making it harder in my head.
Curious: this is a good partner to explore. I want to be more curious this year. Choose curiosity over certainty. Curiosity over judgment. Curiosity over cruelty. I want to be curious about myself and about others. This might be the closest word to “open” for me at this moment. Being curious keeps me open.
Release: This was to be my word for 2024 for so long that it had to be my companion for this year no matter what. Nothing has managed to ground me as well as restorative yoga ever. And this one particular pose allows me to release everything and completely empty my brain. That moment feels like the closest i’ve ever been to freedom and it’s a moment of fully being in the present moment with complete emptiness. I cherish it.
Kind: This is the feeling I want to hold on to the most in my life in general. I want to be kind to everyone. My people. Strangers. Workmates. And of course the hardest person of all, to myself. I feel the most myself when I am kind. I feel closest to my true authentic self and I want to hold on to that feeling forever.
So there you go: slow, ease, curious, release and kind are the group this year that will ride shotgun alongside explore. Here’s to hoping this year is abundant in its gifts.
I didn’t plan it this way but a good quote for the first day of the year. Start where you are. Here’s to wonderful endings for all of us. Happy New Year.
This year’s One Little Word came to me in the most unexpected of ways. I think each year, I go through a period where I think I am going to pick the word “light.” It feels hopeful and magical to me. Letting go of things, looking to the light, carrying light. I can go on and on for why light really speaks to me.
But then the moment seems to pass and I just move on to other words. This year was no exception. I wanted to pick the word “release.” In fact, I was pretty sure it was going to be my word. They I thought of why I want to release (not just what but why) and I realized it was in service of “ease” so I thought maybe that should be my word. Not what to do but the end goal because maybe I’d get there a different way. So it was. Ease.
So it was until a few weeks ago, I was reading some words, I can’t even remember why now but the word “explore” jumped out at me and wouldn’t let go.
Explore.
In any other year, it would feel like this was an external word. Like 2020 when I picked “wild” and what a disaster that turned out to be since it was the year we wouldn’t be allowed to go anywhere.
But for 2024, explore means something completely different to me. I am turning fifty this year. I am not afraid of getting old. I am not sad that I am getting old. At best getting old is a privilege and at worst, it’s just a progression of life. It’s the order of things and I don’t mind when it’s my turn in the order of things. But, what I do mind is that there are many parts of me where I am not sure if it’s really me or my upbringing or my parent’s values or my society’s norms or random ideologies that someone put in my head at some moment when I didn’t think to process it.
I’ve been telling my therapist for a while now that one of my major goals for this year is to figure out who I am. What it means to be me. What are the things I believe in. And what are the things that I need to release because I no longer believe them or maybe I never did.
So when I saw the word EXPLORE I realized it’s my year to explore who i am. What do i like? What do i love? What do I feel indifferent to? I want to spend a whole year exploring my inner world. My own taste. My own preferences. My own choices. I want to walk into my 50th year knowing and connecting with who I am deeply.
Now that I write it down, it feels scary and like a tall order. And I try to never pick words that are striving words. I want words that hold me and excite me. So I expect to hold this one lightly. I will enjoy it and not hold myself to a standard I can’t meet. I am not going to undo 50 years of work in one year. I will not have all the answers. I don’t expect to.
I will just start the journey.
What better way to step into my 50s than being an explorer of who i am.
This was a fast paced thriller, but I think my mind was distracted so I never properly got into it and didn’t care enough to really get engrossed in it.
I am a big fan of Julia Alvarez and have loved several of her novels. I love her narrative style and I love her beautiful characters and this book is no exception.
This is the story of Alma who is a famous author who decides to move back to her home country and create a cemetery of untold stories to honor and bury all the stories that won’t leave her alone but that she’s not managed to write.
The novel intermingles Alma’s story with Filomena’s (a worker she hires to tend to her cemetery) and several of the characters also tell their stories. Each story is unique and interesting and you can’t help but get attached.
IT wasn’t my favorite of Alvarez’s novels but I still loved all the moments I spent with it.
with gratitude to netgalley and Algonquin Books for an advanced copy in exchange for an honest review
My favorite read of the year was: Wellness by Nathan Hill (My runners up are Family Family by Frankel and The Wedding People by Alison Espach)
My favorite sci-fi (sortof) read of the year was: Fourth Wing
My favorite Fantasy read of the year was: The Book of Doors
My favorite uplit read of the year was: Cassandra in Reverse
My favorite nonfiction read of the year was: Radiant Rebellion
My favorite Historical Fiction read of the year was: The Women
My favorite Mystery read of the year was: Small Mercies
My favorite graphic novel read of the year was: When Stars are Scattered
Here are a few other books I loved
The River We Remember
Go As a River
Queen of Dirt Island
Shark Heart
The Second Ending
After Annie
The Last Murder at the End of the World
The Heart of it All
Thornhedge
The Other Mother
Adeleide
Tom Lake
The Bird Hotel
The Vulnerables
Tell Me How to Be
Foster
Happiness Falls
Here are all 202 books I’ve read this year. You can see my goodreads reviews here.
A Chance for Us (Willow Creek Valley, #4)
A Love Letter to Whiskey
A River Enchanted (Elements of Cadence, #1)
A Short Walk Through a Wide World
A Woman’s Guide to Inner Child Healing: Overcome Trauma, Recognize Your Feelings, Learn to Let the Past Go, and Become the Best Version of Yourself
Absolution
Adelaide
After Annie
All the Dangerous Things
Always Human
Amazing Grace Adams
Antarctica
Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe (Aristotle and Dante, #1)
Art for Self-Care: Create Powerful, Healing Art by Listening to Your Inner Voice
August Blue
Babel
Baby X
Beautiful Shining People: The extraordinary, EPIC speculative masterpiece…
Before I Let Go (Skyland, #1)
Before She Finds Me
Before the Coffee Gets Cold (Before the Coffee Gets Cold, #1)
Beginner’s Guide to Sketching Buildings & Landscapes: Perspective and Proportions for Drawing Architecture, Gardens and More! (With over 500 illustrations)
Beverly Bonnefinche Is Dead
Big Swiss
Birnam Wood
But You Have Friends
Bye, Baby
Cassandra in Reverse
Check & Mate
City People
Come and Get It
Creative Wanderlust: Unlock Your Artistic Potential Through Mixed-Media Art Journaling Techniques – With 8 sheets of printed papers for journaling and collage
Damsel
Day
Demon Copperhead
Drowning
Every Summer After
Everyone Here Is Lying
Everyone in My Family Has Killed Someone (Ernest Cunningham, #1)
Everything’s Fine
Excavations
Expiration Dates
Family Family
Family Lore
Fellowship Point
Foster
Fourth Wing (The Empyrean, #1)
French Holiday
Gender Is Really Strange
Gender Queer
Go as a River
Going Infinite: The Rise and Fall of a New Tycoon
Gone Tonight
Happiness Falls
Hello Stranger
Homebodies
How To Be Remembered
I Am Homeless If This Is Not My Home
I Feel Awful, Thanks
I Have Some Questions for You
I’m Glad My Mom Died
If Something Happens to Me
If We’re Being Honest
In the Dream House
In the Lives of Puppets
Ink Blood Sister Scribe
Iron Flame (The Empyrean, #2)
Just Another Missing Person
Korean Grammar for Beginners Textbook + Workbook Included: Supercharge Your Korean With Essential Lessons and Exercises
Kritzelpixel
Learn to Draw in 5 Weeks: A Beginner’s Workbook for All Ages
Little Monsters
Look Again: The Power of Noticing What Was Always There
Lost in the Moment and Found (Wayward Children, #8)
Lost in Time
Lost to Dune Road
Love, Theoretically
Man’s Search for Meaning
Meet Me at the Lake
My Murder
Never Lie
Nightcrawling
None of This Is True
One Moment
One of the Girls
One Puzzling Afternoon
Only If You’re Lucky
Only Love Can Hurt Like This
Pageboy
Pineapple Street
Promise Boys
Radiant Rebellion: Reclaim Aging, Practice Joy, and Raise a Little Hell
Remember Love
Ripe
Romantic Comedy
Rules for Second Chances
Savor It
Sea Change
Shark Heart
She Gets the Girl
Silicon Hearts
Small Mercies
Someday, Maybe
Speech Team
Starling House
Symphony of Secrets
Tangled Up in You (Meant to Be, #4)
Tell Me How to Be
The Art of the Line in Drawing: A Step-by-Step Guide to Creating Simple, Expressive Drawings
The Bandit Queens
The Beauty of Rain
The Bird Hotel
The Block Party
The Book of Doors
The Celebrants
The Connellys of County Down
The Coworker
The Creative Act: A Way of Being
The Eden Test
The Employees: A Workplace Novel of the 22nd Century
The Endless Vessel
The Family Game
The Five-Star Weekend
The Good Part
The Guilty Husband
The Heart of It All
The Heiress
The Hike
The Honeymoon Crashers (Unhoneymooners, #1.5)
The Intern
The Invisible Hour
The Last Love Note
The Last Murder at the End of the World
The Last Ranger
The Lightkeeper’s Daughters
The Lost Bookshop
The Many Lives of Mama Love: A Memoir of Lying, Stealing, Writing, and Healing
The Marriage Act
The Memo
The Minimum Method
The Minuscule Mansion of Myra Malone
The Mostly True Story of Tanner and Louise
The Other Mother
The Other Valley
The Passengers
The Plus One (A Brush with Love, #3)
The Possibilities
The Queen of Dirt Island
The Quiet Tenant
The Rachel Incident
The River We Remember
The Second Chance Year
The Second Ending
The Senator’s Wife
The Seven Moons of Maali Almeida
The Seven Sisters (The Seven Sisters, #1)
The Seven Year Slip
The Space Between Worlds (The Space Between Worlds #1)
The Sweet Spot
The Tainted Cup (Shadow of the Leviathan, #1)
The Takedown
The Terminal List (Terminal List, #1)
The Third Person
The Throwback Special
The Trail of Lost Hearts
The True Love Experiment
The Undertaking of Hart and Mercy
The Unmaking of June Farrow
The Vaster Wilds
The Villa
The Vulnerables
The Way Forward
The Wedding People
The Whispers
The Wishing Game
The Women
These Impossible Things
Thistlefoot
Thornhedge
Through the Snow Globe
Throwback
Till There Was You
Tom Lake
Translation State
True Believer (Terminal List, #2)
Watch Us Shine
Watercolor Your Way: Techniques, Palettes, and Projects To Fit Your Skill Level and Creative Goals
We Are All So Good at Smiling
Wellness
What Alice Forgot
What Lies in the Woods
What We Could Have Been
When Stars Are Scattered
Wolf Hollow (Lew Ferris, #1)
Women of Good Fortune
Yellowface
You Always Feel Better When…: Five-Minute Reset Exercises to Change the Day
As always, I want to start by saying that this is going to be a long post. These reflective posts are how I make sure to live my life intentionally. They matter to me and I love being able to look back on them in future years. I know that this might not be interesting to many (if not any) of you, so please feel free to skip it. If some of you find it interesting, all the better.
This particular exercise is following Susannah Conway’s Unraveling 2024 sheet. You can download it right here. I split the reflective questions looking back on 2023 in and the questions to help clarify goals/dreams for 2024 into two posts. This is part I, part II comes next week. All questions are Susannah’s and are copyrighted to her.
Describe 2023 in three words: challenging, change, grateful
If the events of 2023 were made into a film or a book, what would it be called? She tried, she grew, she let go.
Describe the plot and main characters of 2023. Any unexpected plot twists?Yes, so many twists and so many new characters. I am grateful for the new friends I made this year and people who held me and showed me so much patience and kindness. This year had some really hard moments and also some wonderful joys as many of them seem to lately. I am grateful to be here and grateful to love and be loved by so many people.
Did you have a word, words or a phrase for 2023? open
If you did, how have they guided and supported you through the last 12 months? After my leave in the summer of 2022, I felt so much spaciousness and openness and I really wanted to hold on to that feeling of calm and generosity. I wanted to remember that I have what I need and it’s all icing from here onwards. Even though I lost that feeling on and off throughout the year, I can still connect with it deeply and my body remembers that feeling. Each time I felt myself closing in, I reminded myself to stay open. It has been a good companion for this year and I expect it will be a word I will carry all my life.
How have you evolved over the last 12 months? What feels different now? Hmmm. I think I feel calmer and more grounded. I also feel like I can see the good around me better. I also feel more generous about letting others be who they are.
When did you stand up for yourself in 2023? (And when didn’t you?) Several times at work and several times at home. I feel like I worked hard to protect myself and stand up for my needs. In both cases, I put up with more than I should have in several instances. My threshold is higher than it should be but I am working on it.
What’s supported you most in 2023? What’s really helped? I think it was a combination of things: I feel really supported at work with both friends and my manager. I am grateful for that. I also felt really supported by friends and art and books helped so much as they always do. And, of course, therapy helped a lot too.
What exhausted you in 2023? Did you notice at the time? I am most definitely emotionally exhausted. The beginning of 2023 was very tough with getting covid, surgery and a few really tough conversations. The last few months have been very intense at work with a lot to do. I also haven’t been sleeping well which isn’t helping either.
What did you let go of this year? And how do you feel about this? I am learning to let go of control. Of certainty that I think that I have but of course don’t have. I am learning to let things be and have faith that I can take whatever comes my way.
What new priorities have you uncovered in 2023? Big or small. This year, I invested a lot into slowing down. I took longer to get out of bed, I gave myself more grace and I didn’t push myself as hard. I also worked hard to have my people’s back. My people and myself are my priorities.
Which connections have you cherished the most in 2023? Of course my family. Also friendships both old and new. My connection with Ellen at work. Several work colleagues who I’ve really loved working with.
What ambushed you in 2023? How did you deal with it? Covid, some conversations at work and home, and so many hard decisions. I am still learning to deal with it. I am trying to walk the path slowly and gracefully.
If your body could talk, what has it been saying this year? I am here to support you and I know that when you’re ready, you will do better.
How have you taken care of yourself physically? What’s worked? What needs work? I tried to be less intense this year than I was last year but I think that resulted in relaxing too much and I didn’t work out nearly as much as I should have. I am weaker than I was last year. But that’s ok. I’ll slowly get back where I need to be.
How have you taken care of yourself mentally? What’s worked? What needs work? I’ve done a lot of learning this year. Both at work and for creativity. I didn’t take as many classes as I would have liked, but I liked everything I took and I practiced a lot. I also spent a year learning Korean. I am looking forward to taking more classes next year.
How have you taken care of yourself emotionally? What’s worked? What needs work? I did a lot of therapy and work on myself this year. I’d like to say it worked but of course I need more work. I am grateful for all the time and effort I’ve invested into it. I plan to continue to do so.
The Releasing – Go gently with this next section. This is the space to remember the losses, the goodbyes and the struggles. Did anything happen in 2023 that needs to be forgiven, perhaps? Use this space to note down the more difficult moments of 2023 and keep going in your journal if you feel ready to untangle your feelings further. So much happened this year. I messed up so many times, I caused pain, I was hurtful or neglectful. I messed up more than I would like. I also got hurt so much. People were unkind. Conversations were difficult. I felt lonely and alone and unseen and broken and helpless. It was a tough year.
The Gratitudes – Use this page to record everything you’re grateful for from this wild and unpredictable year. Big things, little things, the profound and the everyday. What are you grateful for? I am so grateful that my family is healthy and safe. I am so grateful that I have good friends who see me and love me and are so incredibly kind to me. I am so grateful for my parents’ support and love. I am so grateful that I love to paint and can practice it every day. I am grateful for people who share their talent with us. I am grateful for art classes. I am grateful that I can afford them. I am grateful that I am learning to give myself grace. I am grateful that I made it this far. I am grateful that we’re together.
What are you proud of yourself for in 2023? I am proud that I finally did the surgery. I am proud that I am working hard and doing my best. I am proud of learning to give myself more grace. I am proud of learning to let go of control and learning to see my people and give them the space they need to be who they are. I have grown and learned so much. I’ve also realized that my capacity for all things is much higher than average.
When did you feel most like yourself this year? I can’t remember a particular time. I do think I am most like myself when I have a few days off and I can center myself and go back to that feeling of spaciousness.
What have you healed this year (or identified needs healing)? I have identified a lot but I don’t really think I’ve healed anything in particular.
What questions and explorations are you taking with you into 2024? I am taking everything with me. I plan to spend a lot of 2024 exploring who I am.
What’s deepened in your life? What’s changing in ways that delight you? Hmm… I don’t think I have a good answer for that except maybe my ability to see when people are kind to me.
Who are you becoming? Does it excite or scare you? Hold space for the feelings…I think more than ever before, I am ready to become myself. Even though I’ve never been willing to be anything but me, I also think that I wasn’t always sure who I am in many ways and I am ready to find out.
Before we finish with 2023, take a few minutes to write out anything else you want to say to the old year. You might like to say some final goodbyes and thank yous…
Dear 2023, you were a hard one, for sure. This year started with covid and a surgery and then became very emotionally challenging and then became really mentally challenging but I am still here and I have learned and grown through the process. And I am a better person for it. Having said that, I don’t mind if we can make the next one a little less stressful.
“It had been almost two months and he still waited for her to walk in the back door every morning. That morning he had leaned over Ali’s bed, and when his daughter opened her eyes and he saw the look in them, he knew she did, too. They were all floating in some in-between where nothing seemed real and nothing seemed right. Waiting for the rest of life, whatever that was, a future that felt like a betrayal. He kept her phone charged.”
I started this novel months and months ago because I love Anna Quindlen and I knew it would be phenomenal. But it’s about what happens to a family when the mom dies. And it was so heartbreaking that I had to put it down. For months.
I picked it up and put it down many, many, many times because this year was hard enough on its own and I didn’t need to sit in more grief. I didn’t want to sit in more grief.
““Yep,” he said. Her “complicated” and his “yep” were first cousins, were two answers designed to keep the jack in the box, because who knew what might pop out, everyone has a whole universe of trouble inside and no one wants the world to know.”
Finally a few days ago I was ready to tackle it and I am so glad I did. I will say that I still think it’s very, very, very sad. The grief pours out of each page. It’s heavy and hard to read. Especially because it’s not “in your face” grief. It’s not wailing. It’s the quiet, subtle grief that’s so much more heart wrenching. It’s the little moments that will never be the same. It’s the ordinary losses that feel so acute.
“You know, one thing I like about Miss Cruz,” Ali said. “She never says that. It’s like she knows that time can pass, and things can get better, or things can get worse, or maybe they’ll just stay the same. People act like time will fix things so everything will be the same again, everything will be all right, but sometimes it’s the opposite. Ant can get harder and meaner until that’s the person he is, for all time.”
There’s so much sadness and grief in this story. But there’s also moments of joy and hope. As with life, mostly we tend to move on, mostly we’re resilient and we recover. People help us. Kindness helps us. And we pick up our pieces and we find a way to survive and if we’re lucky we also find a way back to joy.
What a beautiful story this was. As with all her stories, this will stay with me for a long time.
with gratitude to netgalley and Random House for an advanced copy in exchange for an honest review
“There is no such thing as a happy place. Because when you are happy, everywhere is a happy place. And when you are sad, everywhere is a sad place.”
What a gift it is to read one of my favorite books for the year during the last few days of the year. This book was such a journey and so unexpected.
“I think we talk about happiness all wrong. As if it’s this fixed state we’re going to reach. Like we’ll just be able to live there, forever. But that’s not my experience with happiness. For me, it comes and go. It shows up and then disappears like a bubble.”
It’s the story of Phoebe who is at a particularly low moment in her life and can’t see a way out. It’s the story of Lila who is at a particularly high moment in her life about to get married. And how their lives clash and entangle in the most unexpected of ways.
“They get back in the car. She wonders if her feelings for Gary could be a new form of love, one she’s never known before: love without expectation. Love that you are just happy enough to feel. Love that you don’t try to own like a painting. But she doesn’t know if that is a real thing. She hopes it is. She looks out to the side of the road, like she’s a kid going on an errand with her father, announcing whatever billboard she sees.”
There are so many “life” stories in this one book. And it’s not about any one of them as much as it is about all of them. Infertility, infidelity, marriage, getting old, getting married, losing a parent, feeling lonely, death of a loved one, disappointment, loss, suicidal ideation, friendship, connection, lack of connection, art, literature, and so so much more.
“It is not an easy thing to do, walk away from what you’ve built and save yourself. It is so much easier to sit in things and wait for something to save us.”
At its core, it’s about what all good books are about, for me, it’s about humans trying hard to be humans in a world that’s hard, confusing, complicated and complex. It’s about trying to understand what cannot be understood. Life is not simple. Humans are not simple. We can’t even understand our own feelings let alone predict what others’ are feeling.
“Because Gary is not wrong—becoming who you want to be is just like anything else. It takes practice.”
I loved every one of the moments I spent with these flawed, confused characters. It all seemed real to me, and I loved the brutally honest conversations and the confused ones and the fake ones because they all seemed part of life for me, too. I just felt for all of them because I could see their struggle. Because I could see how hard it was to be a human.
“She is so good at predicting what will happen in books, so bad at predicting what will happen in life. That is why she has always preferred books—because to be alive is much harder.”
I cannot recommend this story enough. It was deeply moving and meaningful to me, what a gift it is to get to read stories like these.
with gratitude to Henry Holt & Company and netgalley for an advanced copy in exchange for an honest review
