There is so much going on lately. I feel like I am carrying a million feelings simultaneously:
Anxiety for some changes I know are coming but don’t know what or how. I worry in the face of the unknown.
Grief for people I love who are suffering or struggling.
Joy for my oldest who accepted a summer job that he’s excited about.
Overwhelm with all I have to do but can’t muster the motivation for.
Disappointment for not being able to shed some bad habits I am so ready to be rid of.
Pride for my progress at the climbing gym and at my decent run at an 11a today.
Sorrow for reasons I can’t pinpoint but is here anyway.
Anticipation around vaccination and when it might ever be our turn and what it might mean.
Anger and despair for all the racism and hate that seems to be exploding exponentially.
Overwhelm and worry about the wellbeing of my kids. My husband.
Yearning to see my parents and family again in person. To hug my friends.
Fatigue due to a combination of emotional, physical, and mental overflow.
And overwhelming gratitude for the very large collection of privilege and luck I have.
All of this lives inside of me at every moment of every day. Different ones pop up at different times but it’s all jumbled in there and I am making space to acknowledge and sit with all of it.
Yes to living the width and the length of my life.
Sometimes it’s about big steps and sometimes it’s about little ones. Today I received a fun new way to pause and care for my nails. Let’s see how it goes.
Small steps and big steps. I welcome it all on the journey to radical wellness.
One of the side effects of covid has been living life in suspension. I feel like just moving through life’s regular motions has felt a monumental effort to me.
In the last year I’ve had to remove a d buy a new tree, get a new fridge, and install a new water heater. All of these are painful and hard for me and part of life. And they were exceptionally complex with covid layered in.
So was basic life like taxes and school forms and work decisions. Some days just making through the day feels like a major achievement.
All of this means there’s little room to think about goals, ambitions, life choices.
I feel like what I’d like the most is for everything not press pause for a while until we’re in the “after” and can have breathing room and can store some energy to live life again.
But then I also think about how life is passing in the meantime and how I have a lot of little choice points every day. I might not have the bandwidth to think about major life decisions but I still can think about how to spend this day. How much attention to give to my kids or to exercise or to connecting with friends. I can still make changes to make my life align with my values.
In the end, lots of little changes might end up being just as effective as a big one. What is life if not a collection of moments.
Yes to making small choices. Yes to doing the best I can. Yes to giving myself grace.
I’ve been thinking a lot about who I am lately. What I like to do, wear, eat and the people I like to be around.
I’ve been trying to understand how many of my choices are based on the conditioning or expectations I grew up with vs a genuine self exploration. How much of what I wear is what I was told was appropriate? How much of what I do was what I thought I should be doing?
I am very lucky that I chose at a very young age to live a life that felt true to me. I had kind and supportive parents and sister who cheered me on and didn’t hold me back.
And yet.
I still look at myself and my life and my choices and keep questioning the basis of many of my decisions. The invisible assumptions I make, the unwritten rules I follow.
I was thinking earlier this week that I would like to be done with all that. I’ve likely lived more than half of my life already. I’m running out of time and don’t want to waste any more of it.
I want to wear what I want and do what I want and to be able to do that I need to know what that is.
It’s time.
Yes to making the invisible visible. Yes to doing whatever I want and being and owning who I am.
Weekly Intention: My intention this week is to move through this week slowly. I would like to move slowly, get less done, be present and mostly have a low, non-frenetic energy.
This month’s intention is:March: Yes You Can: This is usually your hardest month. No break, still too cold. It feels hard to make it through this month but you can. Yes you can. Keep going. I have been struggling my way through March as always. Not a fan.
One way I will leap this week: I’ve been doing the cold showers, here’s to keeping that up.
One boundary I will set this week: Let’s see if I can start some of the art/journaling in the evenings as planned.
One area where I will go deeper this week: finally finishing the coaching paperwork.
What do I need to sit with this week? how i am feeling and moving through it.
I am looking forward to: doing some art maybe.
Focus onCore Desired Feelings (lighter, kinder, enough, magic, wild): i things are not feeling light or magical at the moment and I am not all that kind with myself. working on it.
This week’s challenges: maybe this is my week to finally take a step back.
Top Goals:
Work: write up the 3 for L and 3 for D, email advocates, figure out more steps for analyst+pgm. finish coaching paperwork.
Personal: get back to drawing and journaling.
Family: take walks with J. do one thing with N and do one thing with D. book vacation for April.
This week, I want to remember: I have what it takes all inside me.
The Best Part of this Week: Hmm this was a tough week for me. We’ll have to go with the best part being that I was productive.
I celebrate: the taxes being done.
I am grateful for: some solid reading time this weekend.
This week, I exercised: I’m now climbing 3 times a week, riding twice a week, doing 10 mins of core and 10 mins of arms 4 days a week. I also do yoga and stretching.
This week, I said yes to: finishing several things that were on my todo list.
I said no to: working over the weekend.
I honored my values (love, learn, peace, service, gratitude): i have not been feeling wonderful and I am trying to sit with the why so I can slowly shift my mentality.
Top Goals Review:
Work: did not write up the 3 for L and 3 for D, did not email advocates, did sort of figure out more steps for analyst+pgm. met with Brit. Finished perf (almost).
Personal: did not get back to drawing and journaling. i think i maybe found a book to journal with.
Family: took walks with J. did not really do one thing with either kid. did celebrate N.
My mood this week was: I felt really sad and down all week. Depleted, overwhelmed and like walking through mud.
I am proud of: doing things anyway.
I release: i would like to release all the grief i am giving my own self but i am not sure how to do it.
Here’s what I learned this week: being inside a negative cycle sucks.
I took a long walk this morning to get the ranunculus from the farmer’s market. When I got back home, I was quite sore and didn’t feel like doing anything else for the day.
Even though I read a book I loved, I was secretly still giving myself grief for not riding the bike or doing other productive things. And this doing thing x but giving myself nonstop grief for not doing y, thing is super annoying.
Because it means I am not getting to enjoy the thing I am doing and I am not doing this other supposedly better thing. So there’s no winning.
I have no idea what the way out of this is. Well I know one way is to just do the other thing and be done but what I don’t know how to do is to truly give myself grace and let myself enjoy doing thing x without any of the guilt.
Alas today I did read the book despite feeling crappy about it, and then I also ended up riding the bike after all. Just wish I hadn’t chastised myself all day secretly while I was resting first.
Yes to being aware of negative voices and cycles. Yes to doing things anyway.
