By noon today I was already deeply wishing it was Friday. I am finding that my mood is all over the place. I can be euphoric and super frustrated and really angry and full of anxiety all in the span of a few hours.
Which means by the time the day is over, I feel like I have emotional whiplash.
There’s so much in the world I don’t understand and feel powerless against. There’s so much in my own life I feel I can’t control. There’s so much about myself I am often struggling with.
And at any moment, any one of those things can make my mood swing in a particular direction. Then add my husband, kids, friends, family to the equation. Then add the news. Then add the pandemic. And I am just done.
So today I am sitting here, feeling tender and sad and angry and a little broken with the weight of all that.
And right now, I’m saying yes to being here with all this. To letting myself be tired.
Tomorrow I will get up and try all over again. Because giving up is not an option.
Yes to being with it all and yes to showing up and doing it anyway.
Some days feel like progress and other days feel like a huge step back. And I find that it’s hard for me to predict which day is going to end up where.
So I’m aiming for more good days than not. Let’s see if I can increase the chances that a day will end up in the progress bucket.
Here are some things I’ve found that helps me:
1. Exercise early in the day: I feel better about myself when I’ve exercised so doing that first thing increases chances my day goes well because I know I did at least one thing for my health that day.
2. Get my veggies in: the smoothie in the morning loaded with broccoli and spinach is another way I am paying my body first thing. Even if I eat cookies and chocolate the rest of the day, at least I got 2 servings of broccoli and 2 servings of spinach and some fiber from the chia seeds.
3. Tell my people I love them: a bit of gratitude never hurt anyone. I tell my kids and hubby how much I love them. On a good day, I send some appreciation notes to folks I work with and on a really good day I call my mom too. Best thing for getting out of my head is reaching out to others.
4. Write stuff down: making a list of what I need to do increases the chances that I will do it tenfold. I just can’t count on my brain to remember so when I write it down, I no longer have to. And once I write it, there’s something to cross off. Crossing tasks off is great joy for me and a visual sign of a good day. Writing stuff down also works well for journaling and clearing out my head. Morning pages are gold.
5. Setting structures and routines for the things I want to do more: making room on my calendar to go climbing three times a week and having a partner to feel accountable to. Meditating first thing in the morning before I get up. Etc. Just small things to increase the chances that the day is more likely to go well then not.
I am trying hard to pay attention and notice what is meaningful to me and what drains my energy. Some days are still a net loss but if I can get more good days in then net net there’s progress.
I took some time to reflect and readjust yesterday. I added a few more exercise challenges, changed the way I track food, and condensed the other goals.
I am feeling really grateful for all the exercise, focus, and self kindness this project has brought to me so far.
Every day that I practice radical wellness is a huge win.
Weekly Intention: My intention this week is to try and lean into what is. One of the reasons I’d picked “yes” as my word was to say yes to what is. So I’d like to practice that this week.
This month’s intention is:March: Yes You Can: This is usually your hardest month. No break, still too cold. It feels hard to make it through this month but you can. Yes you can. Keep going. I’m glad to see that march is almost over and the days are getting longer and i love that will all my heart.
One way I will leap this week: book a vacation maybe?
One boundary I will set this week: I’m going to set this same goal from last time: Let’s see if I can start some of the art/journaling in the evenings as planned.
One area where I will go deeper this week: doing the coaching assessment.
What do I need to sit with this week? some of the anxiety i have maybe and find my way through it
I am looking forward to: a 4-day weekend if I am lucky.
Focus onCore Desired Feelings (lighter, kinder, enough, magic, wild): trying to see if i can book a vacation for spring break that would bring both some of the wild and some magic and maybe make me feel lighter.
This week’s challenges: a lot of work this week in a short period of time.
Top Goals:
Work: write up the 3 for L and 3 for D. finish coaching assessment. prep for reviews.
Personal: get back to drawing and journaling.
Family: take walks with J. do one thing with N and do one thing with D. book vacation for April.
This week, I want to remember: Time passes both slowly and fast. Be intentional.
The people who built our house made choices that conflicted with each other. They put a large, deep tub in our bedroom and then they put a small water heater that ran out of hot water before the tub filled about halfway.
When I was younger, one of my favorite ways to relax was to fill the tub, grab my book, some fruit and a delicious drink and soak in the tub for hours.
It’s one of the few ways I can relax fully into the present moment.
After we moved in, it quickly became clear I wasn’t going to be able to take baths in this house. My wonderful hubby thought of some crazy, creative ideas that involved having two simultaneous kettles going and mixing boiling water with cold water to fill the tub. The amount of effort required overshadowed the peace pretty heavily.
Ten years passed and I pretty much gave up on taking baths.
Then this past winter, it was finally time to get a new heater. This is when we had the option to spend a little more upfront and get a tankless heater. I knew that this could mean I could take baths again. But at this point I’d forgotten all about how it felt and wasn’t sure it was worth the money after all.
But we did it anyway. ( For a multitude of reasons including this. )
At first, I didn’t take any baths even though I now could. I had made up stories about how I didn’t really need it or how it was a waste of time or water.
But then I decided to commit to one bath a week for my 100 days of radical wellness project.
And once I started there was no going back.
I remembered how calming and relaxing it feels. Like a warm hug all over. Like all the weight is lifted off my body and soul. Like I can release all that I’ve been dragging around with me.
And now I’m wondering what else have I talked myself out of in the last ten years. What else am I missing out on? How can I recover it?
Yes to baths and relaxing and yes to re-finding the calm and serenity they give me.
Today I took some time to listen and learn from @melody_ross_freebird who always fills my soul. She grounded me and made me look within and filled my day with beautiful wisdom and kindness and art.
I don’t take enough time to stop reading books and do other things.
The Best Part of this Week: The best part of this week was going to the city with Jake and climbing in the gym with so many new routes and then having some delicious food.
I celebrate: big boy getting a summer job.
I am grateful for: our health and some small semblances of “normal” life.
This week, I exercised: I’m climbed 3 times a week, rode twice a week, did 10 mins of core and 10 mins of arms 4 days a week. And did yoga and stretching.
This week, I said yes to: cleaning my husband’s office.
I said no to: reading over connecting.
I honored my values (love, learn, peace, service, gratitude): i am finally starting to feel better. I’ve been trying to be patient with myself and stay in the learning space.
Top Goals Review:
Work: did not write up the 3 for L and 3 for D, did email advocates, did figure out more steps for analyst+pgm. did finish coaching paperwork.
Personal: did not really get back to drawing and journaling. still pondering on this.
Family: took fewer walks with J this week. did one thing with N and did one thing with D. did not book vacation for April.
My mood this week was: finally starting to feel better. anxious about work and still feeling much better than last week.
I am proud of: how hard i’ve been climbing. i am really trying.
I release: i would like to release my worries about work. things will move the way they do and then they will either be okay or not okay, worrying right now will really not help so I would love to release it.
Here’s what I learned this week: that i still have a long way to go.
This project has been incredible.. even on days when I do very few items on my list, I am doing things toward my wellness every single day and making the progress visible.
Meditation, exercise, connection, journaling, and rest. Did it all today.
Tonight we drove to the climbing gym in San Francisco. Since I hadn’t been there for over 14 months, all the routes were new to me. The other two gyms where we go haven’t changed in a long time so this was a giant gift.
Even more wonderfully I got to climb several 10a and 10c routes tonight. Slabs and overhangs. And it was a full, hard workout.
A year ago I couldn’t have done any of the routes I did tonight except maybe one. And a year ago I would have wanted to quit an hour in at best instead of going the full two hours of our appointment slot.
I am not athletic and any progress feels like it’s so hard to come by when it comes to physical ability, but tonight I could see and feel that I’m getting better. That a lot of practice does in fact lead to progress. That I have to just keep going and keep showing up.
Yes to progress. Yes to getting stronger. Yes to showing up again and again and again.
Little boy and I ventured out into the world today. Just for 30 minutes, we drove to a small coffeeshop/bakery and had a croissant and coffee and dessert.
And it was magical.
I did a lot and nothing today and now I sit here, wiped, and look back upon my day and wonder where it all went.
This is part of the year of yes for me. Yes to having unexpected days. Yes to socializing so much in one day that the introverted side of me feels completely depleted. Yes to helping my husband for a long time. Yes to taking little boy out into the world for the first time in months and months. Yes to being there for others.
It’s ok if today wasn’t planned. Yes to what is.
I want to be able to sit here with what is and be not just but grateful for it all. For how full life is. Books will be here forever. But people won’t. So here’s to celebrating the people today.
Yes to connection. Yes to social time. Yes to unexpected days.
