As we close out the first week of 2021 (can it really be that it’s just been one week??) I have been thinking about all the things that happened in this one week. The huge, terrible things and the small wonderful things.
I am trying to take a moment to celebrate the small wins. To celebrate the moments we found equilibrium, the moments we got to hear a yes when we expected a no, the moments we got to hug each other or laugh together.
Part of choosing yes this year was sitting with what is and not trying to resist it. And that takes so much practice. There is so much internalized and external noise in how things “should” be so when they aren’t that way, there is so much judgement. I am trying to cut through the noise and see if I can find my own internal truth. What matters most to me. I am trying to connect with my own values and choices. So I can let go of others’ shoulds and build a life that is meaningful to me.
Here’s to paying attention to the conversations in my head so I can discern the difference and let go of the noise that’s not mine to carry.
Yes to listening. Yes to living my own truth and my own life.
I seem to still be moving slowly and not feeling inspired to do much. Instead of panicking I am trying to choose to say yes to what is and be here for it.
I spent the day reading two books, roasting veggies, and finally taking a bath after ten years of not being able to. It was bliss to sit in the warm water and close my eyes and just be here.
In the last week, I’ve been paying attention to random anxious thoughts that pop up ( and there have been many ) and challenging myself to do real-time CBT on myself. Naming it out loud when I am catastrophizing, etc. I am also putting myself on the spot and asking what the worst possible outcome could be and what the best possible outcome could be and really calling myself out to be here and follow the strain of thought to its end.
It’s been helpful more often than not.
Yes to slowing down. Yes to grace. Yes to naming anxious thoughts and yes to being present to it. Yes to life.
I am still obsessively watching CNN and still full of rage and deep sorrow. And I decided that for today I will talk about something else because I can’t talk about what is going on without ranting.
A few years ago I decided to permanently stop dieting. I spent a too-large part of my life dieting and there’s incontrovertible proof that diets don’t work and they are harmful so a few years ago I decided to permanently stop trying to diet.
Walking into this year, one of the things I want to do better is the nutrition I get. I think sleep, exercise and nutrition is the trifecta that helps me feel better and live longer.
I don’t have too many bad habits but I do drink a lot of diet coke and eat chocolate too often. Instead of focusing on removing or reducing things which felt both hard and punishing at this moment, I decided to start by adding things.
I decided I wanted to add more veggies into my life. Just that for now. And I’ve gotten lost in the smoothie/protein shake world before so I am not doing that again.
Instead, I now blend half a bag of spinach, water+ice, and two oranges and one spoon of chia seeds. And then little boy and I split the drink each morning.
I can then eat whatever more breakfast I want. This is not a replacement breakfast. It’s just a guarantee that I get some greens first thing before my day gets too busy to eat well. And it tastes delicious!
Yes to adding more greens and yes to not punishing myself. Yes to being gentle with progress.
Honestly I am still watching CNN incessantly and not in a place where I can have optimistic thoughts. I don’t want to talk about anything. I had more meetings today so I muted the TV occasionally but it’s been playing in the background nonstop.
I am not sure what I am expecting by watching it nonstop. I know it just keeps my anxiety level high. And I have the luxury of turning it off. But I guess I am not ready to ignore things yet. I want to feel this. I think it’s important to sit with the discomfort of what’s going on.
So still saying yes to that.
Maybe it’s a mistake but it’s how I feel at the moment so I am honoring it.
I had such lovely plans to write about things this morning. I saw this magnificent sunrise this morning and I was going to write about habits and shifting them with the seasons. I was going to write about veggies and finding ways to add more of them to my diet. I half-wrote those posts in my mind this morning.
And then things went to shit.
I had CNN on, I was watching the counting of the electoral votes and listening to the Arizona objections when insanity started happening and I had to check and recheck that the news was still showing the US and not some other country.
I grew up in a third world country. I grew up looking up to America, aspiring to be an American. Trusting and respecting and striving for the ideals that America represented. And while I’ve learned a lot in the last twenty years that has disappointed me, I still would not want to live in any other country. I love this country. And today, I was completely heartbroken, deeply disappointed, and full of rage.
I can write pages and pages but here’s what I am feeling the most: I do not plan to move on and forget about what happened, I do not plan to numb it because it’s unpleasant. I do not take the privilege of being an American citizen for granted. I worked incredibly hard for over 10 years to earn this and I will not squander it for a moment.
So yes to feeling and seeing and owning what happened today and yes to showing up again and again to ensure it will never happen again.
I couldn’t decide if I was planning to work this week or not so I blocked off my calendar before we all disappeared in December. I didn’t know it then but it might be the smartest decision I made in 2020.
This morning I decided that I would go back to work slowly. I have a daily meeting with my manager and I decided I would attend that and pretty much nothing else. So today, instead of my usual 10 hours of meetings, I had 2 hours of meetings. It meant that I could:
– stay on top of my incoming mail – send some emails to do work – eat lunch – plan some of the work that is coming – exercise – stay calm and spacious all day
It was the most incredible start to the year. And I plan for it to be this way all week!
I might have to make a tradition of this every year. In fact, maybe I will do a week like this every 6 weeks or so to cleanse and catch up.
Yes to ramping up slowly. Yes to creating more space. Yes yes yes.
Tonight is our last night of “vacation.” Kids “go” back to school tomorrow and I am still deciding whether I will work this week and how much. But even if I decide to sit out most of the week, the email barrage will definitely start as others go back to work.
I find myself alternating between feeling excited to get started with this year already and feeling not ready. I am still tired emotionally and still hurting physically. I could use another month of just lying around and reading and numbing.
But I also know that sometimes the best way to get to that next phase is to start. Sitting on the couch, I might never feel ready.
So bring on the routine. I miss journaling and have so much in my head that it might take me pages to get it all out. I miss drawing. I miss having a plan.
I can’t go out and do things just yet but I can bring back some structure into my life and my plan tomorrow is to say yes to routine, even if I don’t feel ready.
And the plan for tonight is yes to a few more hours of relaxing and then getting a solid night of rest.
I’m learning that sometimes saying yes is about saying no. I’ve had sciatica pain for the last 58 days or so. I kept living life and exercising on the bike. I kept hoping it would just disappear on its own.
But it did not.
Finally, I had a videoconference with my doctor and she recommended that I take a continuous dosage of aleve and stay away from the bike for ten days. When she saw me balk, she said ok start with 5 days. Try it for five days.
She also said that if aleve doesn’t work she’d have to move to more serious medication and this particular medicine has caused huge issues with me in the past so I reluctantly agreed to give it an honest try.
Despite my fears that if I stopped riding, I’d stop permanently, I stopped riding. Instead I’ve been doing pilates, strength, arms, meditation and yoga. But no bike.
Today was day five and I feel about 20% better. Not much to write home about but also considering how acute the pain usually is and how much the next medication scares me, I plan to email her tomorrow and see if she’d recommend I continue this Aleve plan another five days. I might even do the stretches she sent me.
I’m still scared I won’t ever go back on the bike and I’m scared to say no to it but I also know that if I want to say yes to being healthy, I need to give myself space to occasionally rest and heal.
So here we are. No in the short term so I can hopefully say yes in the long term.
So here we are. A new year. For me, a new year usually comes with much anticipation. New projects. New dreams. New plans.But alas 2021 is filled with so much unknown that I wasn’t sure if I should make any plans at all.
I’m still not sure.
I spent a lot of time thinking about my word this year and about what I want and what I don’t want and in the end what I wanted more of in my life was just yes.
Yes.
Yes to trying new things. Yes to how things already are. Yes to being open. And yes to accepting what is. I like that for me it’s both daring and zen.
