Family photo day is always the best day of the month.
I spent a lot of time thinking about making the invisible visible today. As I say yes to doing certain things what am I “invisibly” saying no to? How can I make that more visible for myself? What does it take for me to stop the inertia of doing more of what I’ve always done and really leaning into a life of yes.
How do I connect with how it will feel to have done X vs Y so that I can make sure to do more of what I know will make me happy vs what feels comfortable in this moment?
My sister who is the most thoughtful person I know. The one who always plans surprises for others months and months and months in advance. The one who is overflowing with so much love that it spills out of her in her kind eyes, tight hugs, and genuine smile.
My sister is one of a kind.
She is generous to a fault. She spoils me and she spoils my kids. She calls my husband her big brother. If you ask her for a favor she will deliver tenfold. She will go out of her way to make you happy and to make you smile.
My amazing sister who has planned one of a kind birthdays and special events for everyone in this family has had to spend her 50th birthday in a pandemic. Which meant we couldn’t be there to hug her and pour our love out to her the way she’s done for all of us.
My mom has worked incredibly hard to make it memorable and she did an extraordinary job. And still I am heartbroken I can’t be with her on this day.
I love you with every inch of my heart Yonuka and I am deeply grateful that you were born. I couldn’t have asked for a better, kinder, more loving sister. How lucky am I?
I spent most of today watching the impeachment trial and then the vote. I am still fascinated by and grateful that we as citizens get to watch the American government at work. Even if I am not proud of the work itself. The live streaming makes it easier to hold our officials accountable for the actions they take when representing us. I understand and respect that everyone chooses how they spend their time. To me, this was a worthwhile way to spend my day.
Even though I was very disappointed in the outcome.
I can say more but there’s no point.
To ensure I didn’t spiral, I then took a nice long walk and a nice long bath. Self-care all the way.
Yes to showing up and learning about our political system. Yes to fresh air. And yes to baths.
Today bug boy had his well check appointment. The doctors office that’s usually brimming with people and couches was bare. We walked in double masked and they gave us one more since it had to be one of theirs. I’m grateful that we get to go to the doctor because back in March of 2020, we couldn’t of course. But sad that 11 months later, life still is so restricted.
We then had to go get passports renewed for the kids which was another crazy ordeal of its own.
Both chores done. We still have drivers licenses to renew, orthodontist, opthalmologist, and who knows what other surprises await us in 2021.
I’ll take all of these and more over covid of course. These are signs that we’re healthy and living life. I am grateful to be here and not in a different state.
Also grateful for the 3-day weekend. Perfect time to rest and recover from this very busy week.
Yes to doing life’s chores. Yes to rest. So grateful.
I appear to have nothing to say tonight. I am feeling tired but also full. I still have a lot to do and I have appointments tomorrow that take me to the outside world which I always find challenging and even more so in covid. But they must be done so we shall do them.
But I am feeling peaceful and my mind is quiet. Maybe it’s because I’m too tired but either way I’ll take it. Enjoying the quiet right now as I also know it’s unlikely to last.
I am grateful that while I’ve been really behind all week both personally and professionally, I feel okay this week and feel a sense of calm.
And I really cherish this feeling. Knowing that I will catch up, I’ll read all my email, and then there will be more email and I’ll read that too.
I generally feel a sense of overwhelm and self-disappointment when I am in a place like this, so I am very grateful that I appear to be giving myself grace and that I am dialing into book club instead of feverishly doing email at night.
Yes to doing the best I can and yes to creating boundaries.
I have a sign on my desk that says “We can do hard things.” It’s from Glennon Doyle and I love looking at it every day.
Over the years I’ve learned that different things are hard for different people. And that sometimes big things are really easy for me and small things are really hard.
Today I did a bunch of those small things. Getting paperwork ready for a passport renewal, sending off tuition payments, and other paperwork. Calling to cancel things or to change service. Booking a small getaway. The small daily tasks are overwhelming and hard for me.
I find myself postponing them again and again and feeling the dread of them permanently sitting in my to-do list. So today I booked some time on my calendar and gone it all done in one shot. And now I feel that overwhelming relief of getting to cross off those things from my list.
I remember my sixteenth birthday. I even remember what I wore for my sweet sixteen party.
He was the only one of us who hadn’t had a pandemic birthday and now he gets to have that honor, too.
I am so incredibly proud of this boy and the person he’s becoming. He’s always had an unwavering sense of self and still does now. We are just lucky to get to do life with him.
Happy birthday sweet boy! We love you so incredibly much.
It’s amazing how much life can seem like it will never change and yet so much changes all the time.
Today, I was reading some of the journaling I did when I taught fifth grade in the Bronx back in 2002/3. At the time I was really struggling and it felt like life would never stop being miserable.
Similarly, when the big boy was born, he wouldn’t sleep for more than 45 minutes at a time. Month after month, we got delirious with lack of sleep. It felt like it would never end.
I can remember so many of these instances. And yet they each ended. Every single one of them.
This pandemic will end, too. We will get to the other side of this, we will resume life and create a new normal, we will grow and change and adapt to a new life and this will feel like all the other things we’ve endured. A painful but distant memory.
Because change is the only constant in our lives.
Yes to being here now and yes to knowing that this phase of life is transient. Here’s to hoping we make it through as safely as possible.
Little boy decided he wanted to play card games today. So he taught me this game. It’s a speed game and we had to play it so fast that it was not possible to not laugh each time. So we raced, we giggled and we played again and again. Laughing so hard that I was crying.
It was the best part of the day.
Yes to laughter. Yes to togetherness. Yes to saying yes.
I feel like some weeks fly by and other weeks just drag and drag. And I walk into some Fridays relaxed and present and others are just a mess. I feel like this Friday came kicking and screaming and I spent most of my day trying to re-ground myself and recover from the mess that was this week
But recover I did
I had the conversations I needed to have and the conversations I was scared to have. I did most of my work. And then I just decided it was time to take care of me. So I exercised and did some yoga and decided it was time to rest in a bath.
Now I feel grounded and much more peaceful than I did this morning. I still have too much email sitting in my inbox and at some point I will have to clear it up. But I think I made the right choices today. And I’m grateful to have had the space to make that possible.
Yes to showing up for ourselves. Yes to doing what we need. Yes to connecting.
Some of the days are tougher. Today was a tough day at work and I am letting myself feel that because saying yes is also about feeling my feelings.
And yes I also got to connect with a close college friend with whom I hadn’t chatted with in at least 6 years. Between that and my morning chat with my friend Kelly, I am grateful for good friends and for friends whom you can neglect for years and then chat with as if no time passed at all. So thankful for friends like that. So thankful for friends in general.
Yes to feeling what is. Yes to friends. Yes oh yes to good friends.
