This has a very long week and I am very excited that it’s Friday tomorrow. I am ready to rest.
I was too tired and overwhelmed to go climbing tonight but last minute I decided to go anyway and here I am on my way back and had a really good night of climbing. A lot of solid exercise and also more quiet in my brain.
This is why I try to practice doing things even when I don’t feel like doing them. Because more often then not, I am glad I did it.
I was at my coaching meeting today where I was sharing some of what happened last week with her and as I spoke I suddenly made a connection that was so obvious in retrospect but it changed all of how I think and see things in a fundamental way.
Those are my favorite moments in coaching. When I can make a connection that shifts my perspective so that from there on I can see it again and again in my life. What a gift.
I am so in my head for the last week. I can almost hear the conversations going on and on in my head. And yet I can’t seem to stop them.
So I’ve decided not to.
Maybe they just need some room right now. And resisting isn’t going to help. So i am giving them the space they need and trying to observe without reacting.
Some days are explosive and some days are quiet. Today was one of those days where I really needed the quiet. I spent the whole day in the yard reading.
So much of life is subjective. What’s wildly scary to me might be nothing for you and vice versa. Today I took some huge lead falls, they didn’t scare me. But the overhung route…well that’s another thing.
It’s a good reminder not to judge others by my standards and a good reminder not to measure others’ progress to mine.
We went climbing tonight and it was an opportunity to see the stories I tell myself around which routes I can do and which I cannot.
So much of everything we do is mental vs physical. When I don’t know better and can’t tell myself a story around whether I can do it or not, I just give it a try.
And half the time I manage to do it just fine. Routes I would have otherwise never tried.
I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about control and non- attachment lately. And about how things look vs how they feel.
Thinking about where and what I care about deeply and where and what I can let go more and not feel the need to control the outcome or even be attached to an outcome.
What are the things that really matter the most to me?
I recently made a change at work where I got rid of all ( except a very small number) of my recurring meetings. I can have up to 70 meetings on an average week and likely at least half of them are recurring. It was easier for me to do a major radical change and drop all of them vs picking one by one. I made a principled call on which few I needed to keep and why and then got rid of all of the rest to create more space in my week to get work done and to have free space to have in-week conversations as needed. So this way there is no need for a recurring meeting because I would be available very frequently every week as discussion topics arise.
We’ll see if this works but it was a result of this type of thinking around where can I let go and what do I really need to do to create non-attachment. It’s also a way for me to be able to practice inside out living and not outside in living. I’m not worried about how busy my calendar looks and I’m worried about how I actually spend my time and whether I’m using my resources in the most effective way.
This morning I had a very early meeting near work and had to get up at 5:45 so I could exercise, get dressed and drive to be there on time. I was grumpy about wearing real clothes and about the driving.
But after I had my meeting and drove by work and was on my way home I felt very happy. It felt the familiar feeling of visiting an old hometown or something from way before. And it was nostalgic in the best way. I know it will wear our but it still felt magical for a little while and for the first time in a long time it made me look forward to physically going to work.
I have been looking for an evening routine for a few years now. My mornings are relatively consistent most days and I have somewhat of a routine now. I do short meditation and read digest of news before I get out of bed. Then I do my exercise for 45 minutes and shower and then do the 10 minutes of restorative yoga which is like another meditation.
Then I go downstairs and make my veggie juice and tea. I sit at my desk and light my candle and meetings can begin.
I like this routine and if it’s good day I can even squeeze in some journaling.
If I need to start earlier (like I have to tomorrow) I just wake up a lot earlier but I still pretty much go through the routine. Same on the weekends.
But I just can’t settle into anything at night. Last night, I tried having some decaf tea and put on the diffuser with vanilla to see if it would help. Not sure if it will stick but it was a start.
I was reading over what I wrote back in December of last year about what I could do to keep my word up front and central this year. So that I could stay in the spirit of what I wanted to feel when I chose yes as my word.
One of the items I’d written down was that I could have a mantra that I tell myself again and again. Which is odd because I’m not a mantra kind of gal. I have nothing against them at all, just have not used them before so it was odd to read that I’d written that down as a goal.
When I read it today, I wondered what mantra I could use. And then it came to me right away.
Yes to this.
That’s exactly how I wanted this word to show up for me this year. I want to be here with them now and be okay with how things are. I want to be optimistic and open to life just as it is. I want to accept what is so that I can really live in it. I want to stop fighting and stop feeling like it’s all just uphill all the time. I want to stop worrying about how things aren’t going to work out. I want to be able to pause.
I want to be able to take life and say yes to this. Knowing that, whatever it is, I will make it through. And that so much of life is good and worth celebrating.
I was feeling super unmotivated and blah all day today. Vacation is ending and I am tired and i.dont want it to end. I was whiny and lethargic all day.
I finally dragged myself out of the house to go food shopping with the little boy. After we returned I figured I might as well make some food for the week.
I made steak, ground beef, salmon, zucchini, yellow potatoes, sweet potatoes and corn. And I cut the watermelon.
And I bought some beautiful flowers.
I still feel mostly blah but at least I have some fresh and delicious food in the fridge now.
