I have a lot of pain today. I woke up at 3am with pain and it just didn’t go away all day.
So I rested this morning instead of exercising. And I am resting now.
I expect it will go away tomorrow and if it doesn’t I will rest some more. I am learning that part of exercising a lot and pushing myself is learning when to rest and having faith that it’s ok to rest a bit and it doesn’t mean I’ve quit.
Today had promised to be challenging with 5 different back to back activities in the evening and while I was excited about many of those, I was less excited about having them all back to back in one night.
I had no idea the morning would be challenging too.
I am just glad this day is over and that it ended well.
So for today I will be grateful I made it through and call it good.
Today is my sweet, wonderful husband’s birthday. How lucky are we to get to have another turn around the sun, especially during times like these.
We celebrated with small presents, some nerdy awesome home-made gifts by the kids (a kernel extension that creates ASCII cake and a game that guides you through a confetti filled room.) and a lovely, fancy brunch.
Here’s us on the way home from brunch. I am so grateful for my family. I am so grateful for this man who has spent the last 27 years with me. He sees me, he loves me, he fills my life with light.
I can’t remember where she said this but I once heard Brené Brown talk about how from the moment our feet touch the floor in the morning, we already feel “behind.” And I remember how strongly that resonated with me.
I have lists of things to do all week and all weekend. Even my fun time is a to-do list item. I plan to read this many books or do this many drawings during the weekend and if someone or something gets in the way I get demonstrably agitated.
I have no patience or space for the other person. Because they are basically in the way of my ability to check off items on my list.
Yes I know this is crazy.
And it’s partly how I make time to do things I love to do. So I don’t want to get rid of it completely.
I do want to release some of the unnecessary stress. I do want to create space for the unexpected or the spontaneous. I want to have room for both.
So I’ve been working on that a lot recently.
Like most things, for me, it starts with a change in mentality.
Little boy and I have been playing a new super-fun video game called “baba is you” it’s the kind of game that was designed for someone like me. It is like a logic puzzle and creative thinking rolled up in one.
I don’t usually take time to play games with kids so it’s extra fun to get to share this with him.
This morning I did not want to ride the bike. I was tired and sleepy and had a lot of work and just wasn’t in the mood.
Instead of not doing it, I told myself it was ok to get on and do it poorly. Do it slowly. Just do it any which way.
It’s so easy to have black or white thinking. Do or don’t do some exercise is better than no exercise. Some good nutrition is better than none. Some art, some writing, some work, some connection. All of these are better than none.
I got on the bike and I did it. I didn’t do as well as I usually do and I didn’t get to do the rest of my exercise because I ran out of time. But I did go climbing.
Most of life is in the gray. I’m reminding myself to show up. Even when I don’t want to. Even if it’s half-ass.
This past weekend was my 15-year anniversary at Google.
15 years is a long time for a job. It’s a long time to live in the same city. It’s a long time for a relationship. It’s a long time.
When I started working there I had a 1.5 year old boy and now I have a 16.5 year old and a 12.5 year old.
Over the last 15 years I’ve worked on a bunch of different products in a bunch of different roles. My favorite part has consistently been the people through and through. Some of the best people I’ve ever met have been my workmates. Kind, smart, generous.
My manager sent me these flowers today to say congratulations. It was really thoughtful and a lovely, unexpected surprise.
I remember I was very sure in 2009 that I would not return from my maternity leave. Here we are, 13 years later…
We had a piece of our fence come undone earlier last month. A handyman came to look and said he can’t really do anything until we removed all the ivy clinging to it. So we called the tree trimmers, got our tree and the fence trimmed then today another handyman came to look at it and said he couldn’t fix it because one of the posts is complete rotten and it’s a big job and I need to call fence people.
Since the pandemic started, I’ve had so much of this. Dishwasher breaking, tree dying, fridge dying, house needing to be painted, on and on.
Every one of these things makes me want to curl up and cry. I hate the minutia of life and having to take care of it all.
I was complaining to my mom a few months ago about how it feels like it never ends and if it’s not one thing, it’s another. And she said that this is life. For as long as we’re alive, there will be things that need tending to and to be grateful because it’s a sign that I’m alive.
So today, after I got bummed about needing to now track down some fence people, I reminded myself to be grateful that I have a fence to begin with and that I have the means to fix it and that I get to be alive today to take care of this next chore.
I usually tend to live a relatively regimented life. I have daily routines and, for me, doing something every day is always the way to go. I am more likely to ride the bike 20 minutes a day every day than to do it for 45 minutes three times a week. When I do something every day it leaves no room for postponement. Every day means today is the day I do it because every day is the day I do it.
Simple.
And also sometimes a bit hard. Regimented. No wiggle room.
Sometimes I can find that I am feeling constricted by my own rules.
So this morning I woke up and decided it would be a holiday day. I acted like I was away on holiday and gave myself the day off.
