Some moments we live feel so acute that it’s almost impossible to imagine not being in that moment ever again. Like when you’re really really sick. The pain and discomfort are so all encompassing that even though you intellectually know you will not be sick forever it’s hard to feel that possibility.
But the cruel and joyous truth of life is that everything is ephemeral. The truth of this moment will not be the truth of your life.
It’s easy to forget this. It’s easy to take the beautiful moments for granted. Being open to this very moment helps me stay grounded and thankful for what is here now.
Last night when I was lying in bed, I found myself stressing about today. I wanted to finish my books, paint, spend lots of time doing Korean and then read more books and I found myself wishing the day was really multiple days.
I used to wake up during the weekend mornings and immediately feel a sense of scarcity as if the day was already over and there was no way I was getting through my list.
But I gave that up a few months ago. Now I take my time. I don’t have anything I have to get done and so I am never behind. It’s all bonus.
So I told myself last night that I got to pick one thing that I really wanted to do this morning and if I did that then the rest was bonus.
My plan was to finish the book I was reading. I got up, finished the novel and then proceeded to paint, read another book, hosted the little one’s friends, worked on my olw book, and now I’m doing Korean.
A little under two weeks ago, I was at book club and jokingly said that I should learn Korean so I can watch the Korean dramas on Netflix without having to read the subtitles so I can multitask (paint) while I watch.
Fast forward ten days and I’ve obsessively been studying for hours every day. I can’t get enough.
Who knew?
It will likely take me ten years to speak or understand at the first grade level. But it’s so so much fun right now that I don’t even care.
In the last few months, I’ve discovered this “new to me” form of therapy called “internal family systems” and it’s fascinating and a really compassionate way to help yourself heal.
I’m grateful to get to keep growing and healing every day.
Working to stay open. Painting. Working. Reading. Learning Korean. Journaling. Wanting to do more of my own stuff but spending time supporting and talking to the kids instead.
As I fill out forms for diploma names and baby photos, I am keenly reminded of the passage of time and that everything else can be done later but the kids are only here now and I will prioritize them fully while we have this ephemeral time together.
We often forget how ephemeral everything is. How the things we worry about today will completely disappear tomorrow and there will be new things and unexpected things.
So it’s best to enjoy this moment right here and be grateful for what is and keep it all in perspective.
I know the sentiment is that if we always had 3-day weekends we’d get used to it and they wouldn’t be great anymore.
For two years in the early 2000s, I worked three days a week. I never got used to it, I never took it for granted. I worked hard during the three days, managed a team, got promoted. And during the other two days I volunteered and visited museums and did things that mattered to my soul.
I usually start the year with a lot of plan and goals and todos. It’s something I enjoy and helps me feel like I hit the ground running and started the year on the right foot.
This year, I wasn’t feeling it. Instead I started January slowly and without aggressive goals. I’ve slowly been shedding the requirements, expectations and the rush of getting things done.
My husband has kindly been taking our youngest to the bus drop off so I can start my mornings slowly and enter the day quietly. I’ve been taking breaks and each time I feel the anxiety rise around how behind I am, I take a breath and then let the issue go. I am not behind. All is well. Whatever needs to get done is getting done.
The rest is bonus.
If I fill all the moments up, there’s no space to be open to the unexpected and no space to be open to surprise.
This is one way I’m intentionally creating that space.
So much of life is an inside job. We all grow up being told how to behave, what to aim for, who to be.
And then we have to spend the rest of our lives unraveling that and really looking within to see who we want to be, what brings us joy, what feels good and what is truly meaningful.
I find that a big part of being able to stay open for me is going within and being really clear on what matters to me and then making choices that bring those things to the front of my life.
No one else can do that for me. It’s an inside job.
