I’ve always known what I wanted to do with my life.

At age 7, I decided I wanted to work with computers. I didn’t even have a computer, so I have no idea how I came to that conclusion but I did.

At age 12, I decided I wanted to go to the United States for college.

Those two decisions have never changed. For a while, I entertained the idea of going to college in Toronto, where my aunt lives, but the moment I visited Carnegie Mellon, I knew I was destined to end up in the US. I’ve also contemplated going into a career where I’d get to restore paintings by using computers. But my main decisions of leaving my homeland and going into a field that seriously involved computers never changed.

Until now.

At the age of 17, I did leave Turkey and attend Carnegie Mellon, majoring in Information Systems with minors in Art and Computer Science. I even got a Masters degree in management at the same time. During the summer of my junior year, I worked at Bell Laboratories (they hadn’t become Lucent, yet). As much fun as that was, I decided to join a firm that wasn’t primarily a technology firm. I figured since technology was my field, I’d make sure to keep up on it either way and I wanted to join a firm where I’d have the opportunity to also learn about another field.

So, after graduation, I joined a really prestigious investment bank. It is the kind of firm where I could make a career and since I’m happy to dedicate myself to a firm, it all sounded great to me. Unfortunately, my first few years didn’t work out all that well. I’ve had successes and happy days. I got to live in London for several months and in Tokyo for six months. So it’s not that I haven’t had great opportunities, but I’ve also had some unfortunate situations.

Due to that, last May, I decided I needed a drastic change in my life. For the first time ever, I started questioning my choices. As much as I like computers, I wondered whether that’s what I want to spend my life doing. I bought a whole bunch of books on choosing a career; I was desperate to figure out what I was really meant to do. I considered every option including going back to college, taking some time off, moving to a different company, moving to a different area in my company, and many others.

At the end, I stayed in the same firm. I moved to a totally different area and I work three days a week. I work from Wednesdays to Fridays. On Mondays, I take three or four classes and on Tuesdays, I volunteer at the New York Society for the Deaf. I am the first to admit that I have a great setup and I’m enjoying it tremendously. I am 100% happier.

The thing is, I still don’t know what I want to do. While my current situation is amazing, I’m not really sure how long it will last. I have this continuous nagging voice inside that keeps telling me that I need to make up my mind. For a girl who knew what she wanted since 7, the idea of all this unknown is really scary and I truly hate that I can’t just relax and enjoy my current good luck.

If anyone has good ideas on how I can figure out what I should do with my life, I am truly open to any and all suggestions. If you know how to shut up my little voice, speaking up about that would be amazingly useful, as well.

How did you know what you wanted to do with your life?

Before?

This week’s Work article of Word is by a Kinko’s employee and it’s quite neat. This woman, Natasha Werther, talks about how she used to be a teacher and how she likes this job better. There are two things she mentions that I found particularly interesting.

One is how, even when we grow up, we’re put through tests and situation that make us fell like children. Like, in their case, they had to take this psychological exam as part of their application and then they had to take classes and exams while employed there. Also, she mentions the mystery shoppers and how the managers praise people in public and how no one wants to not have done well cause everyone will know about it. It’s funny how we always want people to think well of us and how desperate we are to please.

While it’s possible that Kinko’s does more of this than other firms, most large companies do treat their employees like children. They make you take tests or go through training about the company’s culture. I find it quite interesting that when you’re a kid, you look forward to a time when your words will not be overridden by adults and then you grow up and, in some ways, act even more childish than you ever did before. For example, the reason we have subjects like ‘Is he approachable?’ in our yearly feedback forms is because as they grow up, people become more judgmental and start segregating people. Whereas a kid who’s never been told that someone is less important than he is would never know to make such a differentiation. Which then becomes the reason to treat these so-called adults like children. Therein lies the irony of the entire thing.

Another interesting point she makes is about how her job has resolutions as opposed to everything else in life. She mentions teaching and marriage as examples. I think this is one of the reasons I like programming so much. When my code works, I feel a huge sense of accomplishment. The same goes for the 3-D graphics I do. Immediate feedback and a sense of completion. (Tho both in art and programming, you can always tweak things to be more perfect.) I get the same feeling when I finish a book. While I’m sad it’s over, I feel fulfilled. In a world where we have no way of fixing or changing many things, it feels good to have something completed.

Go read the word article, I think you might find it interesting, too. Let me know what you thought of it.

Btw, I remember when word had that three-eyed smiley and I used to love it. I wish they brought it back. Even though they have some really neat layouts and effects, I miss the little smiley dude.