Somewhere in the last eight months, I appear to have changed, or maybe strengthened is the more correct word, some of my beliefs. Between the quitting. the moving, the traveling, and the starting over, it seems I decided to put a lot of value on a frequently-overlooked trait: integrity.
In the last few months, I have worked hard to be honest and do the right thing. I’m not saying I’ve succeeded in every instance. I still have over 60 unanswered emails sitting in my inbox from the last few weeks alone. I don’t always call friends back when I say I will. I am frequently too lazy to finish a task that I deem important. But I try harder than I ever did. I am adamant about doing my job right and being honest with those around it even if it’s not always so convenient. I find myself fervently urging others around me to do the same.
Several people have warned me that this is naive behavior and that I must be not mature enough yet to believe that integrity and success can go hand in hand. The thought that you can’t succeed without cheating someone or something is so depressing that I refuse to believe it. How is it possible that working hard to do the right thing and being honest with those around you is considered an immature thought?
Is it really true that you can’t reach the top without doing something unethical or illegal along the way? Have we all come to accept that as a way of life? If so, what does that say about humanity and our future?
I want to believe that there are enough people out there who feel as strongly as I do about the power of integrity that they would choose to do business with an honest organization/company over one that cheats its way to the top. But maybe I am just fooling myself. Maybe the world is as bitter and cynical as the people who say I am naive. My belief is that you get what you give. If you give wholeheartedly and honestly, you receive with the same pure force. And I am not so young that I don’t realize there are times when people take advantage of you and you kindness, but I still feel strongly that those who are good win bigger and better in the long run.
At least, they can look themselves in the mirror and be proud of who they are.
And if that’s childish, well… I hope I never grow up.
Warning: pet peeve follows
I’ve discovered that most people aren’t really interested in discussing ideas.
Many of the people I’ve met in the last six years seem to already have formed opinions and gear their conversations towards recruiting for “their way.” I feel like most people don’t’ listen when they’re in the middle of a conversation with someone else. While of course it’s doesn’t help if they feel extremely strongly about the subject matter, it doesn’t even have to be something they’re emotional about. People seem to be strongly invested in their beliefs and ideas. Considering the big world we live in and the rate at which everything around us changes, this strikes me as odd.
In today’s world, I always have to reconstruct my ideas and opinions about things. What might have appeared as obvious to me yesterday becomes really complicated today. I think that being surrounded by tons of people gives me the huge luxury of having different perspectives on issues, daily. I also feel like each person has a different, yet just as significant point of view about life.
Who am I to say my opinions are the right ones? Who am I to say my morals are the right ones?
I think most things in life aren’t as clear-cut as I, a person with a very mathematical mind, would like them to be. By sticking to my own opinions with a closed mind, I’d miss out way too much in life. I also feel like this means I don’t value other people’s experiences, which takes me back to “who makes me the boss of it all?”
I think if more people listened to each other instead of coming into a conversation or situation with a preconceived agenda, it would make life a lot more pleasurable. Maybe that’s why I’m not particularly fond of many politicians. I feel like they already have their mind set up. For a person who’s job is to represent a group of individuals to not listen to each individual seems really counter-productive, or even downright rude. I understand that the mechanics of listening to each individual might be unrealistic to manage, but we all know what you make out of u and me when you assume. And if you are too busy convincing everyone else to think like you, are you truly representing them?
Besides the conceitedness of assuming “my way is the right way” I’d also hate the idea of everyone thinking exactly like me. How incredibly boring would life be if everyone thought the same way I did? Really boring. Trust me.
I guess I just wish people would respect the fact that we all go through different experiences in life and we all have differing significant contributions we can bring to the table when discussing an issue. The more information I hear about an issue, the more informed my choices can be. And maybe I am naive but at least I listen.
So I really don’t understand why some people even bother having a conversation with others when they already formed all their opinions on the subject matter. Why waste your time and mine?
pet peeve over
I like to mess with people’s minds.
I am not willing to fit into the boxes people are so ready to place me in. (yes, I know it’s bad to end a sentence with a preposition and I don’t care.) I am not willing to play along just so they can simplify their own definitions of the world and its people. I am not willing to be a representative of anything but myself. I am not all women. I am not all Turkish people. I am not all managers. I am not all anything. I am only me and I am not generic. (wow, Rony would be proud.)
I curse. I tell people that I am going to ‘pee’ or that ‘I have my period’ just to see their reaction to the words being uttered. I have true male friends. I hate to shop. I am overly emotional and extremely analytical all in one. I can be incredibly mean and truly compassionate. I say it like I see it. I don’t fuck around or play games with people. I like to wear heels. I am clumsy and not dainty. I am not your typical woman. I don’t believe in the existence of a typical woman. While I understand that stereotypes exist for a reason, I am frustrated by the way in which people use them to make people feel alienated.
When I moved to the United States there were several circumstances in which people assumed I’d like a particular food because I was Jewish. Examples? Bagels and Chinese food. I had never had the former and hated the latter. Expectations lead to disappointment. And I’ve spent too many years not meeting other people’s expectations of me.
So now I fuck with them.
I say it out loud. I do it in public. I force the judgmental people in my life to face their incorrect assumptions. It is my punishment for their not taking the time to get to know me as a person. If you’re placing me in the same box as everyone else, if you’re going to be lazy, you deserve it.
If there’s one common theme across all my friendships, it’s that these people aren’t simple. I have yet to meet someone who doesn’t have layers. Some hide it better than others but all humans are less simple than we often assume. And I am tired of other people making the call on what I should and should not do. What’s okay for me to feel. What’s acceptable for me to say. What’s acceptable for me to think.
The sad thing is we all do it in some way. We all have assumptions about categories of human beings and we all categorize humans, as an intelligent commenter noted earlier this month. But what we don’t do is to rethink it. We don’t work all that hard to get to know an individual. We don’t allow for people to be multi-faceted, living in multiple boxes, having multiple sides.
Somewhere in our childhood, the norms become clearly defined and straying from the norm becomes a sign of abnormality, and therefore, inferiority. The funny thing is that by the time we’re adults, almost all of us have strayed from the norm in one way or another. For many years, I’ve handled my abnormalities with a sense of shame and downplayed them as much as possible.
Not anymore. Somewhere along the line, I decided that ‘I’m me and if you don’t like it, tough’ and I’ve also decided that what makes me me are those abnormalities. Those exceptions to the rules. So I wear them with pride and mess with people’s assumptions. That’s my way of letting them know it’s not okay to categorize and then chastise people for not fitting in.
I am so much more than a category. Aren’t you?
Previously? Jitters.
Want to know a quick way to get someone to fail on a task?
Tell them it has to be perfect.
Perfection by its nature is near impossible to reach. Perfect. Flawless. Impeccable. As soon as I hear those words I can almost see the pressure. The stress. If everyone reached perfection the definition of perfection would change. It would become ordinary. I know that as a meaning, the word perfection doesn’t exclude repetition. It doesn’t imply doing better than others or being the best at something. It merely means doing that thing without any flaw. That’s all.
But who defines something as perfect? When is a painting perfect? Is Monet perfect? What about Boticelli? How about a musical piece or a book. When is a movie perfect? To me, perfection in any of those categories is a personal opinion and varies too much to be able to pin down. I can even say that people disagree every day on what qualifies as perfect computer code. Two functions that do the same thing can have extremely different code and one might be perfect for some people while the other is perfect for others. People have fights over this daily. And I am of the belief that anything that’s hard to define is hard to achieve.
I can almost hear some people saying, “So what are you saying, should we all just try hard enough but never aim for perfection?” Well, hard enough is also a difficult term to define. First of all, the amount you choose to push/challenge yourself is and should always be your own call. No one but you can get you to do the things you want to do. Secondly, I’m not telling you not to aim high or not to do the best you can, I’m just saying that when you’re working on a story and you’ve rewritten the story eleven times just to fix a single sentence, maybe it’s time to take another approach: cut the sentence out or leave it as is.
I find perfection to be highly overrated. There’s beauty in imperfection just the same way as there is in perfection. Most things in nature are slightly imperfect and somehow it feels more right to me. Perfection seems to inhuman, too calculated, like someone trying too hard. And too often it ends in disaster.
I think most people know their limit. They may never admit to it or show it to others, but we have a good understanding of how far we can go. I’d say combine that knowledge with how hard you’re willing to push.
It may not result in perfection but, it sure is close enough.
Previously? Brown Thumbs.
I don’t do well with obligations.
No, not the type you’re supposed to do for work. I have no problem showing up for work every morning, well every morning that I am supposed to show, which for me is three days a week. I have no problem showing up to meetings. I have no problem delivering what I possibly can when I said I would.
I also don’t mean school-related obligations. I complete my assignments on time. I attend each class. I listen, speak up and ask questions. Nor do I mean obligations that include paying bills, feeding the birdie, etc.
What I’m referring to are obligations of one person to another. Unwritten rules. The kind that require a person to act towards another in a manner opposing their actual feelings toward that person. The kind that makes you act, in Elaine Benes’s wise words: fake, fake, fake, fake, fake.
“You really should give her a call? She’s expecting it.”
“We can’t do that! We have obligations.”
“She invited you, you really should invite her.”
I don’t like the idea that someone would invite me to an event out of obligation. Furthermore, I despise the idea that I should behave in a certain manner just because it’s ‘the right thing to do.'”
I understand that there are cases where you do things that you may not like. At work you are at times respectful towards people you might not have a ton of respect for. At a friend’s house, even if you see her parents behave inappropriately, you act appropriately and don’t meddle in family business. We already have a ton of obligations that we don’t have control over, do we really need to fill up the rest of our life fulfilling unnecessary obligations?
I don’t like the idea of calling a friend because I have to. I don’t like the idea of sending a Christmas card because it’s wrong not to. I don’t like the idea of inviting people to my wedding cause it will appear rude if I don’t. I don’t like the idea of having to call or even talk to anyone I don’t particularly like.
Life’s too short to worry about doing everything right. It’s too short to spend your energy on people you don’t care about. Why do I have to waste my precious time being sweet to people I don’t care about and ones who don’t care about me? Why couldn’t everyone just be honest to each other? Aren’t there enough people to genuinely care about?
I don’t mean that you should be malicious to anyone. I just don’t think we should say things we don’t mean. Or invite people that we’d rather not. It just doesn’t seem right that I should waste my time with the fake worries. The fake hellos. The fake smiles. The fake thank yous. Where it’s obvious neither party really gives a crap.
Because then it’s not fair to the people I really do care about.
Previously? Growing Up.
He brings home the bread money.
She does the cleaning and the laundry.
She cooks and he does the dishes.
If we hear a scary noise in the middle of the night, he gets up to see what it is.
When the baby cries in her sleep, she gets up cause daddy’s gotta go to work the next day.
He proposes, she accepts.
He’s successful; she’s caring and considerate.
She’s thin and pretty.
He’ll protect the child when other kids are mean to him.
She’ll make him chicken soup and kiss his boo-boos.
She’ll want babies and he’ll have a son.
He’ll never cry, he’ll be strong for the both of them.
She’s been planning her wedding day since she was a little girl.
He doesn’t understand the difference between mauve and puce.
He watches football and she likes figure skating.
He handles the money.
She’s sentimental, he’s reasonable.
I am so glad we live in the 21st century.
Previously? Personality Change.
“Sure” is officially one of my least favorite words.
At least one of its uses, that is. I have absolutely no problems with it when it’s used in the following context:
“Are you positive John’s going to show up to work tomorrow?”
“I am 100% sure.”
Or
“Are you sure that was Jenny with James?”
“Absolutely”
Using the word sure to mean ‘confident’ doesn’t aggravate me. But then there are these cases:
“Do you want to go out to dinner after work?”
“Yeah, sure.”
Or
“Is it okay if I bring Ellen along?”
“Sure, sure.”
To normal people, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with the above sets of dialogue. But, they drive me absolutely mad. I’ve noticed this unnerving sensation a while ago and couldn’t put my fingers on the exact source of the problem. Then, last night, it hit me: I don’t like the non-committal undertone of the word. I think it’s ironic that even though the actual meaning of ‘sure’ is ‘certain’ which is a strong, absolute emotion, it’s often used in cases where one’s trying to say “it’s fine” or “I don’t mind” neither of which are confident phrases.
You might think I’m insane, and it might even be true, but I seem to be surrounded by people who are using ‘sure’ in that very context, continuously. Since I’m an opinionated person, one would think I’d like to be surrounded by people who are easygoing. Amazingly, that’s not the case. I like people who stand for something. Even something as stupid as what sort of movie to see or where to eat dinner. To me “sure, sure” sounds like someone who’s going along with what I say. Someone with no preferences or opinions of his own.
It just sounds so wishy-washy.
Or maybe I’ve gone mad.
I could tell you stories on how “interesting” is climbing up the charts, too, but I think I’ve said enough for today.
Previously? Living.
We all have opinions. I don’t know when it begins, but we form opinions really early on in our lives. A while back, I talked about how, by the time we go to elementary school, most of us have a theory on how the world works and how teachers should not assume that students enter school with a blank slate. The same rule, I think, applies to opinions. Somewhere along the line, we hear someone else’s opinion, we read a newspaper article, we watch a TV program, or possibly an amalgamation of all three.
Depending on the issue, and how much we care about it, our opinion can be well thought out or superficial. If we’re passionate about the issue, we dig deeper. We read voraciously, we follow the progress of the subject matter and make sure our opinions are up to date and we use every opportunity to bring our opinions up in conversation. Sometimes, we argue an issue when we’re not even well educated on it, but my beef today is not with those people.
Today, I have a word or two for the people who care about an issue and have done their homework on it. People who’re thick in the mud of it. People who claim they are well acquainted and passionate about a topic. These people are intelligent. They often are passionate and care about the issue, but just as often they are so deep into their own beliefs that they have stopped listening to others long ago.
These are people who glance at a few lines of the opponents’ article just so they can lift one or two sentences and attack them. They don’t care if the sentence is taken out of context. They don’t even care if it’s an outright lie. They are only concerned with their own agenda and they use everyone and everything to further their cause.
I have absolutely no respect for such individuals.
I’ve also previously talked about people’s listening skills, or lack thereof. Most of us are busy preparing our replies before the other person even finishes his statement. This is even truer in the case of people with strong opinions or agendas, the ones I mention above. People who claim that they are speaking for women’s rights or for minority rights or any other equally ‘touchy’ subjects. Each time I hear or read about a case when a woman, claiming she’s a feminist, start berating men for being men, I cringe. I am embarrassed that such a person represents my gender and feels like she can speak on behalf of women everywhere.
Personally, she can never speak for me.
I think what matters most in life is not that we have opinions or that they are right or wrong (not that there is such a thing when we’re talking about an opinion). What matters is that we’re open-minded and that we never lose sight of the issue. We should be careful when we listen to our allies and even more careful when we listen to our opponents. I believe that the more dignified person always wins. Not that this is a race. But in the end, we only have our integrity.
Next time you disagree with someone, I recommend you listen or read twice as carefully. Who knows? You might even learn something.
Ps: Apologies for the preaching tone today, I guess I am slightly peeved.
Previously? Uninspired.
Ignorance is not bliss.
A while back I wrote about the importance of letting go, or temporarily ignoring, issues that come up in a relationship, especially the not-so-important ones. I still believe in the necessity of not making a mountain out of every little detail.
The ignorance I’m talking about here is in a completely different context.
I’m referring to the world and community in a bigger scale. I’m talking about issues such as education, recycling, racism, preserving our forests, world peace and much more. Many of us operate within the thought patterns of “If it’s not affecting me directly, I don’t need to do anything about it.” We blissfully ignore problems that fall outside our own community, our daily lives.
If we don’t fall in the above category, we often fall in the other major one. There are many of us who acknowledge and understand the severity of some of the problems facing the world. Some of us even take the time to educate ourselves about them. Yet most of us do nothing about it. We use the excuse that the problems are too big for one person to resolve. We hide behind the historical evidence of people who’ve tried unsuccessfully.
It’s much easier to ignore than to have tried and failed.
But this is our world. These issues, however much you might feel don’t affect you today, might become crucial in your life tomorrow. You might not care about education in America until you have a child who ends up in the public school system. You might have never considered the difficulties faced by a handicapped person until, by some terrible misfortune, you or a loved one becomes handicapped.
And then there are those whose effects we might never see firsthand. You might never realize the full disastrous outcomes of deforestation or global warming since they might take years, decades, or sometimes centuries. Does that mean you shouldn’t do all you can to stop these from getting out of hand? Do you not care about the effects it might have on your grandchildren, or great-grandchildren?
It’s true that some of these issues might take centuries and hundreds, or even hundreds of thousands, of people to resolve. Some might never get resolved. Does that mean we shouldn’t even try? While we might not avert the potential disaster, we might be able to put it off for another hundred centuries, by which time science might allow for us to have the answers.
Or we might not. Maybe they will never get better. Maybe we’re doomed to have racism or mediocre education.
Or maybe we’re not.
We will never know till we try. Every movement starts with the first step. And you cannot take the first step if you’re ignoring the issues.
For me, it’s time to hit the books, the news, the essays. Anything to educate myself on the problems. Once I know the problems, I might be able to come up with answers.
For me, it’s time to stop looking the other way.
Previously? Know It All.
I’m fed up with cynicism.
I didn’t really encounter large doses of cynicism until I came to the United States. In college, when people acted bitter and negative, I kept looking for reasons. I couldn’t understand why a teenager, attending a decent college with a healthy body and a caring family would have reason to be so scornful. What had already happened in his life to make him so distrustful and so full of hatred?
My childhood, while not uneventful, was pretty decent compared to how it could have been. We had ups and downs but no major calamities. I lived through a divorce and a remarriage, way too much teasing for a soul like mine to handle, and a constant lack of belonging. But I never turned bitter. I’m not asking for a pat in the back. I had other emotions to deal with. I was sad to the point of misery. I chose to run away, leaving behind a family I adored and starting my life all over again. It just never occurred to me to be a cynic.
So for the longest time, I kept thinking that these people must have had a much more miserable life than I had had and that I had no right to judge how they dealt with it. It wasn’t like I’d dealt with my issues maturely. Running away hardly deserved praise.
Now that years have passed, I’ve decided that just like running away, cynicism is total crap. It’s useless to the person who hides behind it and to the world in general. Talk about a wasted emotion.
Just like running away, a cynical attitude is a copout. It’s choosing to hide behind a mask that will be used as an excuse not to take any responsibility. It’s taking the easy way out.
It’s so much easier to sit there and complain. It’s so much easier to distrust. It’s so much easier to hide behind the protective walls of anger.
I’ve come to believe that having faith is a much harder emotion than lacking it. Not in the religious sense, though that case might apply too, but in the day-to-day interactions. Expecting a person to cross you gives you an excuse to feel justified when the person does, intentionally or not, end up doing something that’s not in your favor. When kicked, it’s so much simpler to say “See I told you so?” or “What’s the point of getting up when I’ll end up back down here again?”
What’s hard is picking yourself up and trying again. What’s hard is trusting others. What’s hard is smiling and being happy. Believing in yourself. Believing in others. Believing that there is still so much you can do for the world and having the courage to try.
Recently, I was telling my manager about my intentions of starting a non-profit organization and he kept telling me that it was a waste of my time, my passion, and my intelligence. He said that I can’t change the world. I looked at him and simply replied, “You’re wrong.“
What if everyone felt the way he did?
It’s easy to be cynical. It’s hard to give it all you got.
I dare you to be happy. I dare you to trust others. I dare you to drop your mask and put yourself out there. I dare you to give it all you got.
I double-dare you.
Previously? More Than Genes
There’s a thin line between humble and self-deprecating.
Here’s a multiple choice test for you:
A friend who hasn’t seen you in a while runs in to you and exclaims, “My God, you look absolutely fabulous!”
You say:
a)Oh, no, not really. I still have so much weight to lose and my roots are growing out.
b)Thank You.
c)I do, don’t I?
If you picked “c”, we need not be talking as your problems tend to be in the other extreme. If, on the other hand, you’re a fan of option “a”, I urge you to change your habits.
In the last few months I’ve learned that if you say something often enough, people start believing it.
There’s nothing wrong with taking compliments and there’s nothing wrong with feeling good about yourself. One of the guys I work with always goes around saying how his wife is so much more wonderful than he is and how lucky he is to have her. On the way to the subway, today, I was telling him how he should stop saying that.
“But, she is,” came the answer.
“That’s not the point. I’m sure she’s wonderful and you are really lucky to have her. But there’s no need to compare yourself to her. There’s no need to undermine your own worth. It doesn’t somehow make her more wonderful if you suck.”
He nodded his head thoughtfully and said that he saw my point.
I understand that it’s hard to get your mind away from such thoughts if you really don’t think so well of yourself, but it really causes others to feel similarly about you.
I used to talk about how fat I was every day. At first my friends told me the usual, “Come on, you’re not fat,” stuff. A few months later, I remember asking a friend about a pair of pants and she crinkled her nose and said, “this makes you sort of fat in the thighs.”
That’s when I realized that thanks to me and my insistence, my friends has started seeing me as what I kept telling them I was.
While going around tooting your own horn is not the wisest thing in the world, neither is bashing yourself continuously.
Cause anything, when heard enough times, starts sounding believable.
Previously? Big Words.
Attitude is everything. And words can be your most powerful ammunition.
During my several counseling and teaching jobs in college, I’ve often been taught to be careful with my words. There is a mountain of difference between saying, “Did you understand me?” and “Was I able to explain myself clearly?”
I’m not suggesting that you be fake or hide what you actually feel, just that a small bit of paraphrasing might help you reach your goal quicker and also spare a few folks’ feelings. Instead, many people choose to make completely unconstructive remarks that have the added benefit of being useless.
Here’s one I read recently: “It’s all crap.”
Wow, thank you for that well thought out comment, fella. I know exactly what you mean.
Actually, I don’t. What do you mean?
I hate it when people say it’s “bad” or it “sucks.” To be completely honest, I don’t like it when people overuse the word “good” either. I don’t want to sound like your English teacher, but those adjectives mean nothing. What if you ask me whether I like your site and I say, ‘It’s good.”
Are you feeling good, now? Cause you shouldn’t. “It’s good” either means that I didn’t like it and was trying to be cordial or, probably worse, I didn’t even visit it. Had I been to your site, I could tell you how the tone of green you chose for your link works well with the dark blue text and that I love the font in your name. I might tell you that I think your font is too small and makes the page slightly unreadable or that there is too much text on the screen. But saying it’s “good” is just a way to brush you off. It means I don’t care. It means I think your site is so bad that it can’t be salvaged.
Tiny little words with so much power. The response you’d get from taking a small minute to reconstruct your sentence. The effort you put into details. Why not give it a try and see if you find the responses as intoxicating as I do. There are few more wonderful things in the world than truly helping out someone else, even in the smallest way.
So maybe it’s time to start using your words.
Previously? One For All.
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projects for twenty twenty-four
projects for twenty twenty-three
projects for twenty twenty-two
projects for twenty twenty-one
projects for twenty nineteen
projects for twenty eighteen
projects from twenty seventeen
monthly projects from previous years
some of my previous projects
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