One of my favorite poems as a teenager was Nothing Gold Can Stay by Robert Frost. I can almost recite it from memory. Here’s how it goes:
Nothing Gold Can Stay (by Robert Frost)
Nature’s first green is gold
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf’s a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.
When I was younger, I always thought this was a terribly sad poem. Everything dies, life sucks. That’s pretty much how I interpreted it.
As I grow older, I am looking at it differently.
Yesterday was a frustrating day for me. I got upset about some small detail that went wrong in my day and as it tends to do, it threw off my mood for the day. Then, at night, I visited a friend who was sad. His reason was a lot more legitimate than mine (trust me.) I came home feeling sad for him and mad at me. This morning I woke up and while I was journaling I kept thinking about life and this poem.
The thing about life is that everything is ephemeral. Life changes. Constantly. With and without warning. Sometimes you’re the one instigating the change. Sometimes someone else is. Sometimes it’s a completely outside force. Sometimes it’s even bigger than that. And then there are things that change regularly. Days end. Months, years. Kids grow up. People get old. Seasons end. Change is around us constantly. Things that seem set in stone, never are.
I think that’s the reason some big, unexpected change throws us off course so much, it’s a reminder that the ground you’re on is not as solid as you might think it is. The life you built isn’t indestructible.
And while this feels scary on some scale, to me it’s also a relief. If there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that things will change. And I know that I can’t even begin to predict the extent and size of these changes.
The other thing I know is that life is pretty great now. I am very blessed in big ways. I have a wonderful husband and kids who are nothing short of miracles. I have a job I am proud of and a home I love. All of us are healthy. Including me, and I am getting healthier each day.
Of course, there are a million little things that go wrong all the time and things I want, wish for, desire, etc. But most of life is amazing. Right at this moment. And it might all change tomorrow. Let me correct that, it will all change tomorrow. It might be better or worse or just different.
But this poem is a reminder that things will change. Things will end. And at the same time, right now things are gold. There are wonderful things happening in my life. As life is so ephemeral and fragile, I need to pay more attention to those things. I need to be in this moment more. I need to be really aware and present. This very moment is here right now and it’s great.
If you noticed in my vision board from yesterday, I have a quote there that says “If you’re always racing to the next moment, what happens to the one you’re in?” And this is something I need to work on again and again.
Being present and being grateful.
The thing is nothing gold does stay. But if we take it for granted and don’t appreciate the gold while it’s here, we’re missing out on the best moments of our life. And when the going gets tough, which it invariably will at some time, we will need these gold moments to get us through those not-so-great ones.
As I journaled about my bad day, I realized how much can change in just 24 hours. How my perspective changed and the specific problem that frustrated me actually went away. I wasted an entire golden day on some stupid frustration. The talk with my friend was a wake-up call that things are ephemeral and these golden days are not guaranteed so I cannot waste them with idle frustration. My goal is to remember this more. And make a point of basking in the glory of the golden moments while they are here.
Here’s to being more present and being more grateful.
One of the assignments was to create a vision board. She talks about her process in this post. The idea was to create a similar one in the class. On canvas, etc.
I will admit that I resisted doing this assignment. I don’t have any magazines. Literally, not one. And last time I went through magazines to tear images (for Melody Ross’ class) I didn’t find it enjoyable. I don’t like to make canvases because I have nowhere to put them in my house. I don’t want to create more clutter. I don’t like dealing with glue if I can avoid it (I know this is crazy.) I didn’t have any ideas. Honestly, I just did not want to do this.
But because I am one of those students who has to do all the homework assigned, I couldn’t let it go. I borrowed magazines from neighbors. I thought about it for a few days. I even tore a few images. I just couldn’t get into it no matter what. So then, I tried to tell myself it was ok not to do it.
But I just couldn’t let it go without at least trying.
I finally decided to try a different route. I opened up my inspiration board on pinterest. And picked images and sayings that spoke to me. Since these were images I’d already pinned I knew that they were all meaningful to me so I couldn’t go wrong.
I saved them all on my computer and then opened them in photoshop to create a collage:
Once I was done, it made me really really happy. I also added my word right on the butterfly. And I was done.
I picked images that are inspirational, peaceful, and happy for me. Mental notes I try to remember. There are a lot of images of nature because nature makes me happy. Creates a wide sense of peace in me. I also chose books, music, birds, butterflies. Color. Flowers. Exercise. And some good messages about being in the present moment and appreciating myself. I love all of these images and having them together is really powerful for me.
So once I was done, I printed it out and taped it into my current notebook (more on this notebook coming soon).
Now, I get to look at it anytime I want. It didn’t involve any magazines, cutting, or modge podge but I still did my own version of a vision board.
And it was so worth it.
If you’ve never done this exercise, I recommend it. I am glad that the good student in me didn’t give up. If you’ve done it, I’d love to see your vision board so please do leave me a comment with it.
Yesterday, I received a really nice email about how much I get done and some questions about any tips I might have so I thought it might be a good idea to share some of my thoughts and ideas with all of you. Please know that this is what works for me and your mileage might vary.
First of all, there are many many many things I don’t get done. Many! I don’t cook or clean or do most of the household chores many people do. My kids do not have after-school activities and rarely go on playdates. My days are pretty similar to each other and allow for consistency. Even though I work at home, I have quite a demanding full-time job so I don’t commit to anything during work-hours. My kids know and understand that even though I am around, during the day my job takes priority and most of the time they are respectful of that and play independently. But I also get to spend a lot of time with my kids during the day.
One of the things I have is a relatively strict and consistent schedule. This changes with each school year and during the summer. But here’s my schedule at the moment:
5:30-6:00am – wake up and immediately exercise (I check email while I exercise)
6:00-6:30am – done with exercise, shower, write in journal
6:30-7:00am – start sketching
7:00-7:25am – prepare lunches, breakfast, wake up kids, read to David while he eats
7:25-7:45am – continue sketching
7:45am-8:30am – drive kids to school
8:30-9:00am – finish sketching, take photo of sketch
9am-5:30pm – work, eat lunch, walk to pickup Nathaniel from school, make lunch for him, etc.
5:30-6:30pm – kids bedtime routine and write blog post
6:30-7:30pm – write in weeklong art journal then start daily art journal page (sometimes David reads to me while I do art.)
7:30-8:00 or so – kids are down, finish off art journal page. if I have a layout due, I work on that instead of art journal page
8:00-10:00pm – hang out with hubby, read book, do a layout, watch TV whatever. This is extra time for me to do whatever I want.
10pm – go to bed.
Some of these change a bit. Like sometimes the blogging takes longer or I finish the sketch more quickly, etc. But I always exercise first thing and I rarely ever go to bed past 10. I often sleep around 9:30 to try to get a full 8 hours of sleep. I wake up at least once a night and take David to the bathroom. I am not a morning person. I changed my schedule because I found that most nights I am too tired to motivate myself. By the end of the day I feel worn out and I am more likely to sit in front of the TV rather than sketch. Whereas if I woke up early, while it was unpleasant, there was no one to bother me or to worry about. I could do my stuff, start my day on the right foot and by the time the household woke up I felt like I already did a few wonderful things for myself that day.
so there you have it. On the weekends, it’s pretty similar except I wake up around 7am and go to bed around 11. Instead of working, I will do more art, layouts, and hang out with my family.
Since I was asked for some tips, here is what I came up with that works for me. They are not in order:
1. Set a schedule: I find that having something scheduled for a particular time always works for me. I am not a roll-with-it kind of girl so having something on my schedule makes it more real and tangible and often means I get it done. It also gives my activity validation and value.
2. Schedule short bursts of time: I try to not have any activity that needs more than 30 mins. My exercise is 20 minutes, journaling is around 20 mins and reading to David is the same. The sketching takes a bit longer but I break it up so I draw for 20 mins and color for 20 mins and write for 10 mins so I can do them throughout the day if needed. I reserve time consuming activities for the end of the day so I don’t feel like I used up a lot of my day and have to stress. I feel trying to find a 30-minute slot in your day feels a lot less overwhelming than finding a 2-hour slot. If you take 15 minutes a day to do art journaling, it’s still MUCH better than no time. And 15 minutes a day adds up to almost 2 hours a week. Whereas if you don’t let yourself do it unless you have a 2-hour block, you might not art journal for weeks. There are many things you can do in a 15minute slot, if this is stressing you out, let me know and I’ll make a post with ideas.
3. Batch up a few activities to do during your “you time:” I do most of my personal goals during two slots in the day. 5:30am-7:30am and 6:30pm-8pm. That’s 3.5 hours during which I don’t have work and my kids are sleeping. I specifically wake up before my kids wake up to use some quiet time to get my personal goals done. I am NOT a morning person but I know that starting my day like this is incredibly peaceful for me so I do it. Most of us have some down time during the day. Maybe it’s your lunch hour. Try to divide the hour into two 30 minute slots and do two things. You can read for 30minutes and art journal for 30 minutes. You can eat while you read. I find that doing a few things in a row helps me more than doing one thing for a long period.
4. Eat the frog: The concept of eating the frog means doing an important to-do list item that you’re dreading. For me, this is the exercise. I dread it and it’s the most important thing I do for myself everyday. So I get up and I do it first thing. This means if the rest of my day goes downhill and my schedule goes out the window, I still did the most important thing. I do it well before work hours and well before my kids wake up so the chances of something interfering with it are low. Eating the frog means I start my day with a big win.
5. Just do it: Stop making excuses. Stop saying you don’t have the time. I have never ever met someone who doesn’t have 15 free minutes in their day. You can draw 15 minutes a day or read or art journal or learn something new a bit at a time. When you just sit and do it, you suddenly discover you have a lot more time than you think you do. If you get in the habit of not making excuses, you end up getting more done and that motivates you to do even more. It’s a positive cycle to be in so you just have to kickstart it by sitting at a table and doing something for 15 minutes.
6. Make the Time: Similarly to the previous one. There will never be time in your day unless you make it. Look for the holes. Wake up earlier. Go to bed later. Eat lunch in half the time. Clean a little bit less. Whatever it takes. If what you want to do is important to you, create the time. Steal it away from something else. You matter and what you want to do matters so create time however you need to.
7. Talk to your family/friends: If you have friends or family, husband, kids who depend on you, talk to them. Tell them why it’s important for you to take this time for yourself. Why it matters. My kids know that even if they wake up before 7am, it’s mommy’s quiet time and they play quietly on their own while I do my journaling or sketching. Seeing me value this time for myself shows them that it matters to me so they learn to respect it, too. Respect and value starts with you. If you’re always willing to postpone activities that bring you joy so someone else can have what they want, you’re telling them your personal joy doesn’t matter as much. I think there needs to be a balance and mutual respect. Some kids are too young to understand but most aren’t. In my opinion, of course.
8. Find What motivates you: I am motivated by schedules. I rarely feel in the mood to do something. Inertia is very strong for me. So Getting up to sit at my table and starting the activity motivates me more than anything else. So I just do it cause my schedule says I have to. And once I start I am in the zone and enjoy it. But getting started only happens because it’s on my schedule. Classes motivate me, too. I am a good student and take homework seriously. So I take a lot of classes because I know it helps me journal and do art. For some people it’s having a buddy. An exercise buddy, an art buddy etc. For others it’s having a personal, quiet space. Or really loud music. Whatever it is for you, figure it out and use it to your advantage. Another thing that helps me is being prepared. I generally have an idea of my sketch subject the night before so when I sit to sketch, I am not looking for ideas. I don’t do this for art journaling or layouts but I do it regularly for sketching.
9. Track Progress: For me, this does wonders. I track my exercise with the nike+ and fitbit. I track my sketches and art journaling by posting them here weekly. I have daily tasks lists with all my recurring activities so I make sure to cross them off each day. Seeing progress really helps me so I do it. I track books that David and I read, too. And we both love looking at the little book full of all the cards we made with each book we read. It’s very rewarding and I recommend it.
10. Create Rewards and Celebrate: This may sound touchy-feely but rewards are a big part of self-motivation. I reward my exercise by buying a piece of clothing each month. I buy art supplies or sign up for online classes regularly. I use income from my classes or designer work to buy supplies or classes so I am rewarding myself for working hard and keeping an art practice. Take the time to celebrate and congratulate yourself. Being disciplined is hard. But truly worthwhile.
Well this is really really long, I hope it’s helpful. Remember that it’s just what works for me. I prioritize these things over other things because this is what matters to me. Find out what matters to you. And if art journaling doesn’t matter enough to you to create time over it, do not chastise yourself. I think a big part of this is owning up to what you like and what you don’t. Earlier this month, I had allotted 15 minutes of my day to writing a book. But I quickly realized I never enjoyed that time and even though I would love having written a book, I didn’t like actually writing it. So I walked away from it. During this you-time, don’t try to do what you think you should. Do only the things you love and things that truly make you feel good.
Remember that your time is super-precious and runs out each and every day. So use it however it makes you feel most fulfilled.
I was scheduled to have a time-consuming appointment today that I’d been worried about. It was with someone that I wasn’t sure I could count on. I’ve had appointments with this person before and more than half the time something goes wrong and the whole schedule goes awry. But when she does show up, she still does a kind of service and quality I cannot find elsewhere and she’s also nice. So I keep trying again and again even though the lack of predictability and dependability drives me absolutely mad.
So I went to bed last night worrying about this and when I woke up, I was still worried. Lo and behold, something went wrong on her side and then some more things went wrong and she didn’t show up at all. Not only that but now I am not sure when the follow up will be and it was something I really needed.
There’s nothing quite like unpredictability to completely ruin my day.
Even though my plans went out the window, nothing major really went wrong today. My kids are fine, work is fine, I am fine and so is Jake. My family. Everything else went as expected and if I had to bet on it, I would say chances are this particular issue will get sorted out pretty soon as well. She will eventually show up and all will be fine.
But, alas, it still ruined my day. While one side of me was frustrated, dejected and even panicking at the schedule change, the other side of me was yelling at the first side for being such a pain. Even as I fully recognized what I was doing was immature and unhelpful, I couldn’t stop myself from feeling frustrated and off balance.
I am not a “just roll with it” girl and I never will be. So when I get notice for jury duty (which I did recently, by the way) it will frustrate me. When someone I made an appointment with doesn’t show up and doesn’t schedule a solid follow up, it will frustrate me. When something unexpected happens, it will frustrate me. I’ve learned that it’s better to accept who I am than chastise myself for being who I am.
But here’s the thing about life: unexpected things will happen.
I have a husband and two kids. Unexpected things will happen. I rely on other people to help me out with certain things. They have their own lives and families. Unexpected things will happen. I use machines and scripts and systems to do my job. Machines fail. Scripts break. Unexpected things will happen. Unless I live in a hole and don’t talk to anyone, ever, unexpected things will happen.
It’s part of life.
And since I know this and I know those things will always frustrate me and throw me off, I need to find a way to make it all work. I need to find a way to be able to sit with it and not let it ruin my day. Not let it affect the rest of my life. Not have my frustration spill over to my kids and husband. So I’ve been thinking about this a lot today.
One obvious solution is to remove as many undependable people from my life as possible. And I can make such changes so people in my life have integrity and are reliable. But in some cases that will be impossible. Unexpected things will still happen. So what do I do then?
I think one trick is to take a walk. To clear my mind and realize the relative importance of this disruption. Often times, the problems that come up are resolvable and not critical. I can also do what I am doing right now, which is to write it down. Writing not only helps with perspective but it also allows me to get the frustration out of my system. And, finally, I can take time to actively play with my kids or do art. Both of these things give me temporary relief and joy because I tend to get lost in what I am doing and as opposed to just watching TV, they don’t leave me with an empty feeling afterwards.
I don’t know if any of these will work but I think they are all worth trying because letting every little curveball ruin my day will mean many many ruined days and I cannot afford to waste my precious time here like that.
How about you? Do you have a good way to deal with feeling frustrated?
Here’s the check-in for September. Almost a week late, but still. You can see the original goals for 2011 here.
Family
I have still been reading regularly to David and we’re both enjoying it a lot. I’m still keeping up with weekly family shoots, daily diary, and gratitudes. I’ve changed things up for October but even then I am still taking daily photos, just posting them weekly. We’ve done so-so on family night in September and Jake and I had not enough date nights in September but we’ll rectify that in October. September was hectic with new schools, new routines, back to school, etc etc.
Health
Going strong on the running and walking. I did 5K a day all September. I will admit I totally flaked on the crunches or situps or leg lifts. I did well with the food. No coffee and no graham crackers so I am proud of that. I did start seeing a weight loss trend in September so it was a sign things are moving in the right direction.
Art + Photography
Still Sketching daily every day. I did find a solution out of the rut but didn’t start that until October either. And also still doing weeklong art journaling and the daily art journaling. The art journal pages are getting a bit old for me and I think I need to change things up a bit again but I am not sure how yet so that’s an October goal. Let’s see if I can figure something out.
Scrapbooking
Not too much scrapping in September. I did a few pages and have begun preparing for winter CHA as well so I am not feeling bad about this category.
Reading
Still reading my weekly book regularly. Reading to David, too. I did return back to my old book club in the beginning of October so there are changes coming here, too.
Writing
I journaled almost every single day in September. I am proud of that. I also wrote my newsletter. I didn’t do so great on the thoughts-posts but I came up with a plan for those and I am implementing it now in October. So hopefully I will put more focus in this area soon.
Learning
September was Uber Media: Pan Pastels and The Pathfinder class. I have already signed up for three for October. Taking Brene’s Ordinary Courage class and Christy’s She Art 2 class and Cathy Johnson’s watercolor pencils class. Nothing on the iPad front yet or the stop motion movie.
Community
Mom’s group appears to be kaput. I’ll have to think about whether I want to implement it again. We did have dinner guests. I also had a really nice breakfast with a friend and have two more scheduled for October as well as a mom’s night out for David’s class. So making progress here.
And that’s it for September. Overall, I think I did okay especially considering all the schedule changes. Lots of good goals met and new routines established. Let’s bring on October! I have already made some tangible changes for October and I am hoping they last the month and serve me well.
Since school started I’ve been waking up at 5:30am and taking a little time to myself before the kids get up. After I exercise, I sit down and journal a page in my notebook. It is my equivalent of morning pages. Some days it’s just thinking about the upcoming day and all the things I have to get done and other days it’s about looking back and trying to figure out something from the day before or my past.
Yesterday morning, I spent some time thinking about a meeting I had a while back. I had walked away from this meeting frustrated and upset. I’ve noticed that I can definitely tell if I am feeling my centered self or off kilter during a particular meeting. And I definitely felt off during this one. Unfortunately for me, I knew it was going to be a recurring meeting so I felt even more frustrated that I couldn’t tell what was making me feel this way.
As I started journaling, it occurred to me that what made me feel uneasy and put me on the defense was two individuals at the meeting. These two people and the way I perceived them changed the tone of the meeting for me. Not only did I look up to them as the authoritative owners of the meeting, but I also felt like they didn’t like me or respect me.
And so, for me, these meetings became about proving these two people wrong. So the content of the meeting didn’t even matter. All I focused on during the meeting was reactions from these two individuals. I was spending the whole time trying to behave a certain way so I could garner their respect. Every now and then I would end up showing my true colors in the way I responded to a specific argument and then I would instantly regret it because I worried they would disapprove.
The situation became untenable and I just couldn’t get out of the cycle I’d created for myself. The funny thing is, I don’t think these two individuals were even remotely aware of the impact they were having on me. So, yesterday, as soon as I figured out the root cause was these two individuals, an idea came to me during the journaling. I decided to get ahead of the problem in my own way.
I emailed both of them individually and asked if they’d like to have lunch sometime. I tried to be low-key about it and I sent it immediately without thinking about it too much. I knew I could easily talk myself out of doing it.
The second I sent the email, I immediately felt better. I felt that if I could get to know these individuals as people and not workmates, I would be able to see them in a different light. And I felt that this would help me remove the unnecessary importance I assign to them during the meeting. I think that one of the best ways to get someone off a pedestal is to get to know them. Even if the person declined the lunch, I knew that I’d already taken the first step to “humanizing them” by sending my email.
I got a response almost immediately. And, of course, neither declined. (I’ve learned that very few people feel comfortable turning down a direct request but that’s another post for another time.)
So now I feel even better. I am hoping that the lunches will go well and we might even possibly end up as friends. But even if we don’t I am pretty confident these colleagues will not play the same role for me in our next meeting. They will no longer intimidate me. Especially since most of the situation was completely in my head (and not reality.)
This is one of the greatest side effects of taking the time to journal. I feel like pouring my thoughts on paper gives me the space to distance myself from them enough to realize what the core issues are. And then I can find ways to resolve them, work with them, or get ahead of them.
Not bad for a 15-minute time commitment. The journaling often ends up being the most valuable fifteen minutes in my day.
David’s new school has a school-wide meeting every Monday morning. During these, they discuss school-wide issues. Last week, it was talking about school rules. This week it was about good wolf vs. bad wolf. Here’s the story copied from their speech:
An old Cherokee chief was trying to teach his grandson about life. He said, “A fight is going on inside of me. It’s a terrible fight between two wolves. One wolf is evil. He’s angry, envy, sorrow, regret, arrogance, self-pity, resentment, and ego. The other wolf inside of me is good. He’s joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, kindness, empathy, generosity, and truth. This fight is going on inside of me and inside of you as well. It’s inside every person.” The grandson thought for a moment and said, “Grandfather, which wolf will win?” The grandfather said, “Whichever one you feed.”
When we are angry and mean and we think unkind thoughts, we feed the evil wolf side and it becomes stronger. But when we’re kind and thoughtful, we feed and strengthen the good wolf side. We should try to make our good wolf side stronger. Since the grandfather says the wolf we feed gets stronger, we want to feed the good wolf side and starve the evil wolf side.
This got me thinking about my goals for this year. One of my goals this year was to be free of my past and the things I get hung up on. Stop worrying constantly and start appreciating the good things around me.
I think the Good Wolf and the Bad Wolf analogy applies to the way we look at life, too. I know that on my rough days, I look around and only see the bad things about my life. I see the piles of dishes in the sink or toys on the floor. I see where I’m failing or where I am not doing enough. It’s a dark day so everything I see is dark. I look for the bad.
And then there are those wonderful days where I feel really happy. All I see is the good stuff. No one can knock me down. I love my kids, my house, my husband, my life. I feel on top of the world and super-duper lucky.
Both of these days exist but they are rare. Most of the time life is just ordinary. I am not in that bad place but I am also not at the top of the mountain. And since these kinds of days are way more frequent, I think what I do on these kinds of days is what matters most.
It is on these kinds of days that I need to feed the Good Wolf of my life. Not just be kind to others but also be kind to myself. And positive about my life. I’ve learned that the same situation can be seen from many points of view. And the trick to happiness is looking for the good. For example, I can whine about how I have to get up at 5:30 to exercise or I can feel good about having some time completely to myself. I can stop taking the family photos because my hair isn’t colored, or I can just focus on all the smiles in our eyes. There’s always something to pick on if you want to be negative.
And there’s always something to smile about if you look for it.
That’s one of the reasons I do the gratitude journal every day. It forces me to take a moment and notice the good in my life. Every single day. And realizing that there’s something good every single day is very powerful. It makes you appreciate your life on an altogether new level.
I think “looking for the good” is one of the biggest changes I can do to actually feel happier. Maybe it’s called being optimistic. But when I think of words like optimistic or pessimistic, I think of the future. Like how you think the future will turn out. Looking for the good is all about the present. Looking at a situation right now and seeing the good in it. Seeing the magic in it. Figuring out what works (and not what doesn’t.) I do think this is a characteristic and something I can nurture in myself (and my kids.)
When David came home and told me about this story, he said he wants to add two more wolves “Happy Wolf” and “Sad Wolf” and they’re not fighting each other, he said. So you can feed the sad one every now and then but that you should try to feed the “Happy Wolf” more often. I like this because it shows that both happy and sad feelings exist and are legitimate. While it’s realistic to think we can work to be good most of the time, it’s unrealistic to assume sad feelings won’t ever exist.
But it is possible to feed the happy wolf more. It is possible to look at the good in things. Sometimes you have to search really hard but almost always there’s something you can find. And, like most things in life, the more you try, the easier it gets.
I’m a big fan of the Nike motto: Just Do It. If some of you have taken Melody’s Soul Restoration class, she has a similar concept which she calls: “She Did It Anyway.”
Here’s what I learned about life. We’re always too busy. There’s always a lot going on and there’s always a good excuse not to do that thing you’ve been putting off. There are some cases when the thing you’re putting off is unpleasant so as long as the consequences aren’t damaging, I can understand putting those things off.
But then there are the other things. Those we know we will love to do. Those that we really dream about. Those that might be tough but will have huge rewards. The thing is your life is made up of your ordinary days. So if you can’t find a moment to fit this new activity into your “every” day, you will never do it. Your life will never have that added joy because you’re constantly putting things off and waiting for the “right” time.
In general, I am very good about starting things. I am very organized. I make a plan and I get started. For example when I finally decided to start sketching (as opposed to whining about wanting to do it) I created a Pinterest board and collected several sketches I liked so I had a pool to choose from and I sketched one of them every day. Same for art journaling in my weeklong book. I made a collection of ideas and just did one each time.
Where I tend to get stuck sometimes is getting to the next level. Since I am a big planner, sometimes changing the plan is a big deal for me and I get stuck. For the last few weeks, I’ve been feeling like my sketching was getting stale. It was getting boring to copy more of the same sketcher’s work and I couldn’t find anything else I liked. I, briefly, tried to sketch my photos but that got old quickly, too.
I knew that I wanted to switch to watercolors. But I had so many stories around why I couldn’t. I make all my sketches in my daily book (I will write a post about this notebook) and it has thin squared pages. They can’t take watercolors. I also felt like I could never sketch without the grid I’d come to depend on (I bought grid paper cause I like it, not with sketching in mind.) so much. I also didn’t think I could come up with ideas of my own. I pondered for weeks and weeks. I looked at others’ work and felt frustrated. I tried to talk myself out of it. Told myself colored pencils were just fine, etc etc. This went on for weeks. Until last Saturday I finally decided enough was enough. I drove to the art store and bought a watercolor pad that was recommended to me (more about this on another post, too.) I kept telling myself not to over-think it. I had one idea for a sketch. So I cut the paper, and just sketched it.
As soon as I started, I forgot about the lack of grids, I dove right in and sketched and wrote and didn’t worry that I had no other ideas. I hadn’t planned a long list. I just did it. And then the sketch was finished and I loved it and glued it to my notebook and a new process was born. Two days later, I managed to come up with more ideas. I don’t have a long list but I am not worried. I know it will come. And if it doesn’t, I will adjust.
Just to show that this is not specific to art, the same thing happened for exercise. For the last month, I’d been worried about what happens when I hit the one-year mark. Do I keep going with the same system of walking for 2 miles and running for 1? Did I want to continue with 5K a day? I knew that I wanted to increase the running. I wanted to see if I could switch to only running for 2 miles. But I was really scared. I could barely make the 1 mile run, I didn’t think I could do 2. I also didn’t think I could start the exercise by just running. It sounds irrational but I was really worried. I kept whining and whining to myself.
And then on Saturday, which was my one year date. I just did it. I figured it was a Saturday and I was well rested and I could just give it a try. And it worked! Of course it worked. But then I worried that come Monday morning I wouldn’t be able to do it since during the week I exercise at 5:30am and there was no way I had enough energy for a 2-mile run at that time of the day.
But this morning I got up and did it anyway:
I didn’t think. I didn’t worry. I just did it. I know for some people 10:40 minute miles are slow but for me this is a miracle. And tomorrow, I will do the same. And the next day and the next day. I even have a plan on how to slowly get to running 3 miles a day.
One of the reasons I am good at getting things done is because I have relatively rigid routines around things I care about. So when the time comes to switch things up or take them to the next level, it can really mess me up. I can make a lot of silly excuses not to do it. Just like someone who never gets started to begin with.
But there’s magic in doing it anyway.
There’s magic in telling that voice to shut up. In having faith that the plan will reveal itself. In trying. In throwing yourself at it fully. Because that’s when the magic happens. You give it your all and the universe shows up to do its half.
It always does.
What about you? Do you have something in mind? If there’s something you’re waiting to start or take to the next level, this is my gentle push to encourage you. Make today your day. I cannot tell you how happy I felt all weekend for finally taking these two activities to the next level. I wish the same for you.
Last year, around this time, I wrote a guest blog post for Tracey Clark’s I am enough series. Two weeks ago, when I was stressing about all our routines changing, schools starting, work getting more hectic, I was thinking about this post. And all the other posts on my blog. Daily posts where I try to capture my family. My gratitude. Where I try to remember what’s good. Where I make myself pay attention to things I’d otherwise take for granted.
I was thinking about all this because on the Tuesday after labor day, I definitely didn’t feel enough.
No it’s not just that: I felt broken in every way.
I felt like I wasn’t enough of a mom to my kids and that my older one was acting up a bit more than I’d like and I didn’t have the tools to nip it in the bud as elegantly as I would have liked so I reprimanded him more often and more harshly than he deserved. Even as I saw it wouldn’t be effective long term.
I felt paralyzed with fear that my little one wouldn’t take to school and would just cry and cry. And that it would never ever work out.
I felt that the lunches I prepared were inadequate. Bland.
I felt stupid that I had to drag my husband along because I wasn’t sure I could figure out the new schools’ routines and drop off/pickup systems on my own. Or that I just needed him for inexplicable reasons.
I felt not enough at work when I kept asking stupid questions I should have known the answers to. When I was “discussing” things with some engineers and I had to put my foot down even as I was unsure of why. I felt like I was fighting a battle I was told to go into but when I got there I was alone. I was sinking. I was going to fail and take everyone down with me.
I felt I would never be able to find my way out.
I would never be good enough. I would never know, understand, do as well as some of my peers. I would never be the mom that had it all figured out. I could never be the wife who wasn’t unnecessarily needy.
I could go on and on. I felt like a failure and inadequate in all areas of my life. I couldn’t see any light. It was dark, dark, dark.
I was failing everything and everyone I ever cared about.
And I couldn’t see it getting better. Ever.
The day passed. But the feeling didn’t go away for a while. Even as I slowly figured things out, it dulled but it didn’t go away. It took several “better” days to squash the pain back and I know it’s there to rear its head when it finds me weak again.
I want you to know that I think it’s normal to have these days. Sometimes we feel it’s all dark. When I feel this way, I don’t even try to make sense of it anymore. I know these days come. No matter what Jake says to placate me, to show his love, I am not listening. I am not rational. It’s not about logic. It’s about losing all sense of logic.
For me, the best thing is to let myself feel it. Give Jake and others I love heads up and let them be there for me. Let them forgive me. Let them give me some space so I can slowly forgive myself, too. And make space to heal.
Because you know what? The good days always come, too. For most of us, these terrible days are rare. (Just like the euphoric ones.) And I think letting them take their course is much easier than fighting them.
That’s what I remind myself each time one of them comes to visit me. We all feel not-enough. We all strive to be loved. To be enough. To be wanted, loved, cared for. To matter. I think that’s a human need: to matter.
And we all *are* enough. Just the way we are. I truly believe that. We each have our own individual gifts in the world. Our own magic.
I think the trick is to not give in to those black days that try hide the truth and to pay attention to the millions of little extraordinary things in our life that clearly show how lucky we are. How we are enough in so many ways that matter.
I’ve started reading Karen’s blog a little over a year ago. I don’t remember how I found it. Some of the other blogs I read linked to it, I’m sure, and once I landed there, I stayed. Karen’s voice speaks to me and I often enjoy her images and her thoughts. I bought her book last Christmas and absolutely loved it.
When she announced that she was going to teach a 5-week course on creating your own beautifully different life. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to sign up. I feel like I like my life as it is right now. I am not saying it’s perfect or even my ideal but I feel content right now and I’ve taken a few courses in the last few years on similar areas which left me a bit jaded in these types of courses. I don’t have big dreams right now. I feel like I’ve come a long distance and I am on sort of a pause where I am just trying to enjoy where I am instead of aiming for other places.
Anyway.
But I like Karen. I like her way of approaching things. Her point of view. And I like taking classes. I really like taking classes. So I signed up. I couldn’t help myself. As soon as I paid for it, I was flooded with hesitation. Did I really want to take this class? Was it worth it? What was I looking for?
The questions went on and on but, alas, it was too late. I’d signed up. So I just patiently waited until the lessons started coming. The first week was last week and the focus was on “introspection” which is something I love so I was looking forward to it.
One of the first things Karen had us do is the process she outlines in this blog post. She had us make a list of everything we love to do. Everything. I must admit this was already hard for me. I thought it was a bit odd. And didn’t see the point.
But I am a good student, so I did my homework. I wrote four pages of things I loved (in retrospect I didn’t read carefully and wrote some things I loved (not doing but just things like chocolate.) and I think it would have been better for me to make sure they were all actions.) and I still didn’t see the point.
Then she made us write why we loved them. This is where the magic begins. I put off this assignment for a bit cause it came on a day when I was deliriously busy and I wanted to be able to take my time. When I finally sat to do it, I quickly got amazed. There were certain things on the list that I’d loved to do forever, like reading, so I hadn’t thought a lot about why I loved it. So I took a long time thinking about it.
The interesting thing is that I’ve loved reading ever since I learned to read. As a little girl, it was my way of escaping a world where I felt like I didn’t belong. As I grew older, it was a way to learn and practice a language that wasn’t my mother tongue. And then it was about the stories. And then the people. Now it’s about seeing how other people see the world. Learning about different worlds, people, ways of looking at things. So the activity is the same, reading, but the “why” of my love for it has changed over time and it was great to step back and think about it.
Just like thinking about why I like to blog, why I like to knit, take photos, etc. I was especially stumped at some of the nature-related items on my list. I love sinking my toes in the sand. I love feeling the waves wash over my legs. I love to watch the sun set or come up. I love taking a walk in the woods. I love watching the ocean. I kept thinking about why I love these things. Nature makes me feel calm, content, peaceful. I feel awed by it. I don’t just like nature, I like immenseness of it. I love the super-tall red wood trees; I love the endless ocean. I love feeling small and feeling like my problems are insignificant in the grand scheme of our world. (I made a piece of art about this many years ago.) So I kept thinking why did I love nature. And I finally decided it was because I love the feeling of being connected to something bigger than I am. Same reason I love volunteering or teaching. Diving.
After we’re done filling the why’s, Karen asks us to look for patterns. I’m a computer programmer; I like patterns. I love looking for patterns. The idea was to come up with verbs that might define the kinds of things that light you up. As with most pithy things, it seems so simple in retrospect, my words came out to be: learn, create, connect.
These words shouldn’t be surprising to anyone who reads my blog.
I was so fascinated by this that I asked Jake to make a list, too, and since it was my birthday yesterday, he indulged me. My goal was to see what things might come up in both of our lists. Even if he and I loved it for different things, it would be great to see what we both loved to do.
What came out was even more fascinating to me. Jake and I had similar things of course. And we even shared some of the same words. But it was in different ways.
For example, he and I both love learning. But we go about it so differently. I love to learn by watching others do it, taking classes, reading books, etc. He loves to learn by reading/listening and then thinking about it deeply so he can understand it from the ground up. He likes to learn by building, experimenting, tinkering, trying. By doing. So by the end, he generally has a much deeper understanding of things than I do. I generally learn a bit and then do, do, do. I might not fully know what I am doing. But a few months down the line, I will. I learn by doing, too, but not the way he does. This is the kind of stuff that fascinates me. Knowing how I work. Knowing how others work. Seeing the subtle differences. Acknowledging them and paying attention to them.
I think paying attention to these details is what makes relationships work better. The awareness allows us to make room for the possibility and understanding that others don’t work the way we do. And our way is no more right than theirs. So we can respect that they work their way.
Sorry, I know this is long. But I have so much more I want to write. About how knowing these words has already helped me a tremendous amount and I haven’t even finished going through my whole love list yet. I might even do the whole thing over and make sure to focus on verbs. But I still feel pretty confident that some form of learn, create and connect will end up being my words. And I have specific examples of what kind of learning, creating and connecting I like to do.
And knowing them allows me to seek more opportunities doing all three of these things. (Which was Karen’s point, of course.)
Sorry if this is all rambling a bit. I wanted to get some of my thoughts down before weeks pass and I forget. Part of the connecting (which for me is also sharing and connecting with my own inner thoughts, hence writing them here.)
All this from the first week of a class I wasn’t even sure I wanted to take.
Here’s the check-in for August. I know I am a bit late but it’s not too bad, right? You can see the original goals for 2011 here.
Family
I have still been reading regularly to David and recently it’s been books from the library which has been extra fun. I’m still keeping up with weekly family shoots, daily diary, and gratitudes. We’ve done so-so on family night in August but we did quite a few full-day family trips and mini-vacations instead. I failed on the music class thing cause it was just terrible timing. Jake and I had a few date nights in August and they were a lot of fun.
Health
Going strong on the running and walking. Did 3.12 miles a day every day in August with one of those being on a slight incline and did 60 leg lifts and 30 crunches a day. The food has been so much better, too. I quit my coffee and the graham crackers. I am eating almost all whole foods, now and eating a lot more protein. Sleep’s been a consistent 7 hours or so. I’m getting up several times a night to make sure David goes to the bathroom but other than that I have so much enjoyed the summer rule of not having to set the alarm. We’re also taking daily walks still and averaging more than 75,000 steps a week. So far, so good. As promised last month, I focused on food this month and feel really good about it.
Art + Photography
Still Sketching daily every day. I feel like I am in a bit of a rut for that because I want and need more ideas. I plan to focus on coming up with a strategy for that in September. And also still doing weeklong art journaling. I still love this project. I have not grown bored of it one bit. I’ve continued with the daily art journaling in August and loved every moment of it. I am trying to keep it low pressure and tell myself it doesn’t have to be daily but it’s one of the few things that keeps my soul happy so I end up doing it every day. No movement on photo excursions or etsy shop however.
Scrapbooking
August was a lot of scrapping for future projects, trying to get ahead of the curve. I did quite a few pages but I am more than caught up now.
Reading
Still reading my weekly book regularly. Reading to David, too. We didn’t have book club this month either.
Writing
I am still neglecting the thoughts-posts however I still think about them all the time and even jot down ideas. I just don’t seem to feel like sitting and writing them out. Feels like I’d rather spend the time to do art. Newsletters are all the writing that I’ve been doing for now. And August was dismal in journaling but I have a commitment (and even a class that promises to be of help) for September.
Learning
August was 21 Secrets, Christy’s Color class and Dina’s art journaling classes. I have already signed up for two for September. Nothing on the iPad front yet or the stop motion movie.
Community (This is a particularly hard one for me.)
Mom’s group is on hold for now but we did have dinner guests. I also went to work for lunch and breakfast. This area is moving slowly but it is moving.
And that’s it for August. Overall, I think I did okay. Lots of good goals met. Let’s bring on September! It will be interesting to see what stays and what goes with the new fall schedule.
week 1:Defining Your Unique Self: this week is a lot of journaling, figuring out who you are. I don’t mind journaling at all so I enjoyed this exercise a lot. You can also work on the cover of your journal this week. So here’s mine:
all The Girls’ Paperie products. I talk about it more in the movie below.
week2 is mostly about how these pages end up as tabs in your journal. Here’s a look at mine:
week 2 is also about your mission statement. here’s one of my mission statement pages:
week 3 is setting goals and the vision board. here’s my vision board:
week 4 is minefields: real and imagined obstacles and fears, things that stop you from getting your goals achieved. I don’t have a photo of my art journal but I show it in the video.
week 5 is about rules and how you make decisions in your life. This is a fantastic tool. I talk about it a bit in the video, too. All about how you decide what to do and what not to do. how you use your time and energy. Which is, of course all that matters.
And week 6 is about creating small and bigger tasks to do to achieve your goals/live the life you want so that you can take actionable steps towards them all the time.
This class is an ongoing process. It will take much more than six weeks to complete. But I think it’s worth the effort and I found the class to be extremely valuable.
And finally, I made a little movie to show you my book and tell you a bit more about the class. Please bear in mind, these are my thoughts and opinions. As always, your mileage may vary.
Feel free to ask any questions in the comments and I will do my best to reply. As I work on this more throughout the year, I might come and tell you more, too.
