In 2010, I made a list of 52 Things I wanted to do that year. One of the list items was going to or hosting a retreat. And while it didn’t work out exactly as I’d envisioned it, we did end up having a girls’ weekend. That weekend had a lot of interesting side effects on me. But one of the biggest one was the overwhelming urge to take better care of myself. (I wrote about it some back then.)
Here’s the paragraph I wrote in 2009:
I’ve always hated having my picture taken. I think many photographers do. Anyhow, I really did. I’ve had issues with my looks for as long as I can remember. And this retreat was no exception. I just didn’t want to be photographed. For the first day or two I wore my hair up and didn’t wear any makeup (like always) but then one day, I wore my hair down and one of the girls grabbed my camera to take a photo. The shot was mostly of Nathaniel but I could see my hair in it. And it completely freaked me out.
I cannot even tell you why exactly but that one image caused a complete switch in my brain. My hair, my face, my clothes, they all disgusted me. I mean that literally. I decided that was it and I would not continue to look this way for one more minute. Yes, ideally I would exercise and eat better and look better, etc. And I do plan on doing those things, but I wanted to look and feel better about myself right this minute. Without waiting for the pounds to come off. This wasn’t something hypothetical for me. Not like “I should really do this..” but it was tangible and it was going to happen.
So I listed a few things I did back then to remedy the problem:
1. Cut off my hair
2. Buy and use basic makeup
3. Get rid of excess clothes and shoes in closet
4. Buy a new bra
5. Buy a few new clothes
6. Get some jewelry I love and wear it
These were the items I listed in April 2010. What I didn’t know back then was that in less than 6 months, I would start my daily exercise routine and end up losing over 30 pounds. But now, when I look back at that time, I know that the exercise, the finally doing it was due to that same trigger. While those tasks above gave me a short term boost (one I really needed), that boost gave me the confidence and the path to make some bigger and longer lasting changes.
This ended up having a huge trickle down effect. I lost the weight, I started to exercise daily, I started eating better, more whole foods. I started flossing. I started taking care of my hair, teeth and skin more regularly. And I started to care about taking care of myself.
I don’t mean this in the “go to the salon and get my hair and nails done weekly” way. Not that there’s anything wrong with that but I am not the kind of person who prioritizes that and I don’t this that will ever change on such a scale. However. I am trying more.
In the last few months, some of the items on my list had fallen by the wayside. My hairdresser became unavailable, the flossing…well let’s just say it took a backseat. I never got the bloodwork done that my doctor requested. I canceled my last dental cleaning appointment. On and on. Before I knew it, things were on a downward spiral.
On January 2, I was lying in bed and sent myself an email. (yes from the ipad and yes to myself. yes, i know it’s crazy.) But I had decided enough was enough and couldn’t stand it one more moment. I had to find a new hairdresser and get my very long roots dyed (this is a personal choice and I, for one, have absolutely no problem with gray hair. however mine is more like a skunk, super-white only in one spot in the front. trust me, it looks terrible.) I had to schedule a dental appointment, get my bloodwork done, and find a personal trainer. (I want to work on toning now that I did lose so much weight and I decided I need to gain some strength.) Back to flossing regularly. Putting cream on each night since it’s cold and my skin is getting dry. And learning to paint my nails. Even if just clear nail polish. I emailed myself the whole list.
Then, on January 4, I finally sat and made all the appointments and have already dyed my hair and cleaned my teeth. I’m flossing and putting cream on my skin. And I am still working on finding a trainer. And the nails. But not only have I made progress, I’ve setup recurring appointments to stop myself from falling behind again. I know that if they are on my calendar, they are considerably more likely to get done.
All this is to tell you that it makes a difference. Taking care of yourself, in big ways and small, makes a huge difference in your life. If you’re like me and tend to put yourself last and tend to put off these annoying-seeming tasks, I am here to encourage you to stop. Even if it might feel vain, here’s what happened to me:
Once I started taking better care of myself, I felt better both physically and emotionally. I started feeling proud of myself. I started feeling happier. Which then meant I was kinder and nicer to those around me. Including my family. I was more willing to go out an socialize. I felt lighter in my soul. I felt happier, more willing to say yes. It ended up having a huge positive effect on everyone around me.
And this sort of change has a snowball effect. You start by doing a little (like I did in 2010) and next thing you know you’re running three miles a day. Like they say, it starts with one step.
One single step.
So I hope you make the pact with me this year. To take better care of ourselves inside and out. Kinder, gentler to our souls and kinder, gentler to our bodies.
It’s so worth it.
One of the things I realized last year was that one of the keys to happiness and living a peaceful life was getting to know myself as well as I could. When I discovered my scrappy “voice” two years ago, scrapbooking became considerably more fun for me. I felt like I’d found my little corner and I was finally at home. And over the next year I realized more and more that life is similar. If I can figure out how I work and what I like and what I dislike in more areas of my life, I can be a lot more clear about my path, my intentions, my friends, my relationships, my choices, etc.
So I’ve been thinking about this a lot. Whenever I do or feel something, I try to step back and be more aware so that I can see if it’s one of the pieces of the puzzle that defines who I am. Journaling every morning helps me with that journey quite a bit.
This morning, as I journaled, I realized that I was feeling off. Not really upset but just off. There was an underlying level of anxiety and I didn’t like it. As I dug in deeper, I realized that it was because I felt like I still had a lot of items on my todo list for work. Some of these items were not clearly defined for me so I didn’t know their scope, making it even harder for me to have them undone.
I’ve learned over time that having things undone is not a comfortable place for me. Neither is lack of clarity. I tend to prefer clear deliverables with deadlines. And I will always, always, always deliver under the deadline. This is important to me. So because I know it’s important to me, I tend to get anxious when I have things due. All I can think about is getting them done. And this morning’s anxiety was of this kind.
So I did what I know works best for me. I sat down and got a bunch of stuff done. This helped clarify the scope of some of my items and eliminated others from my list. And guess what? Anxiety went away. Even though I didn’t actually finish the list or even clarify all the items, I still felt much better because I made solid progress and that’s what I needed.
The trick is to know what works for you.
In this case, I just needed to sit and get stuff done. There are cases where I need to sit and journal. Or get up and take a walk. When I am really really upset emotionally, I often need to take a nap so I can “reboot” and look at things with fresh eyes. If I am really really angry, I need to take a break and play with my kids so the joy and gratitude comes back and I can remember what matters most. If I am conflicted and super-frustrated emotionally, I tend to journal so I can sort out my feelings/thoughts on paper. There are cases where I just call a friend because I know I can’t resolve it on my own or just need to hear myself say it out loud.
There’s no right or wrong thing to do here. The trick is to know what works for you.
I don’t always get it right, of course. Sometimes, even when I know what I should do, I don’t do it. I whine. I wallow. I live in self-pity. I let it get out of hand. I scream. I do all these things, too. But more and more, I am trying to pay attention to what works for me so that I can have it in my arsenal of things to try when the need arises. I think the more aware I am of their existence and use, the more likely I am to look for them when the time is right.
Or so I hope.
ps: If you’ve sent me an email or left a comment in the last few days, I am deeply sorry that I haven’t replied yet. I’ve been desperately catching up on a long list of tasks and I have class tonight and a lot of work all week. So just please know that I will reply as soon as I can and I am not ignoring you in any way and also that you words are really important to me (which is why I am not just rushing with a precut reply.) I truly appreciate your patience with me.
I had a really rough morning today. Last night, I ended up working much later than I’d hoped. There were some problems and I just didn’t want to wait until today to resolve them. It meant that I went to bed almost two hours later than I usually do. As it got later and later, I told myself not to stress and that I wouldn’t let this lack of sleep and mess up in routine get to me. Tomorrow would be just fine, I said.
Then tomorrow came. And all was ok. I woke up and exercised, journaled and even sketched. I woke up the kids, made lunch, breakfast and sat to read to David. I was feeling good and proud of myself for not letting stress and tiredness get to me. I’ve been calm for the last few days and it’s been so nice.
As we got ready to walk out the door, I realized that David had left his jacket at school. This might seem harmless to normal people but he’s done this so many times before and we’ve had so many talks about it that I just lost it. I went to that bad place and started seeing dark. We went to school, me ranting pretty much the whole time. Looked for the jacket, couldn’t find it, and then I left David and got in the car with Nathaniel.
At which point, I burst into tears. I couldn’t contain myself any longer. I felt terrible about the person I was being. About how much this was upsetting me. About how it really didn’t matter and couldn’t I just get over it already? I felt shame and frustration and anger and sadness all over me. I almost turned around several times to talk to David but he was well into classes now and I didn’t want to interrupt.I emailed the teacher when I got home and cried a bit more. (I did also apologize to David later when he came home.)
Then I decided I wanted to finish my sketch and try to ease my soul a bit. Then work blew up so I had to do that. While I was working feverishly, Nathaniel swallowed one of his peanuts the wrong way and coughed and coughed and finally threw up all over himself, the carpet, and me. Once he did and got over the shock of it, he was back to his happy self, so I cleaned the carpets and everywhere else.
We cleaned ourselves up, started a wash and I got back to work. About midday, I realized that for the last three days, I’ve been at this frantic pace where there are so many things going on that I cannot catch up no matter what I do. Every time I do one thing, I am thinking about this other thing I should be doing. I get stressed and end up not finishing any of my tasks. This is true of both work and personal projects. So now I have eleventeen (i like to use that when i mean many many) tasks that are halfway there and nothing done.
This is about as far away as you can get from my “happy place.” This is the opposite of savoring and being calm.
So I just decided I needed to take a big, long breath. I stepped back from the two computers and took a little walk around the room. I sat back down, closed my eyes and decided to show myself some self-compassion (I have a lot more to say about this some other time soon) and took a big breath. And then two more.
By then, Nathaniel was awake so I got him and as he played, I made two big todo lists. One for work and the other for personal. I wrote out everything I could think of. Everything on my mind. In detail. And then I got up again. I decided I needed a break. I played with Nathaniel for 30 minutes. Hugging him, holding his hand, remembering what matters most.
And now here I am. Trying to honor that breath. My plan is to go back to my lists and tackle them one at a time. If a new one arises, it gets tacked to the back of the list unless it’s super-urgent. I know I can complete all of this in the next 48 hours if I just stop freaking myself out. And whatever doesn’t get done, will do so next week. As it turns out, none of these are so urgent that it needs to put me into a frenzy.
The frenzy is not good.
So here I am, taking a breath. Forgiving myself for a hard day. Forgiving myself for not being my best. Forgiving myself for not being my kindest. Forgiving myself for not being at my most productive. Forgiving myself for being human. Making mistakes.
With this breath, I forgive and I let go of it all.
Then I get to start again. Whole.
I was talking to my husband tonight about how I finally tracked down someone who might be able to help me find a personal trainer. We talked a bit about different options and the cost and flexibility of each and then I said, “Won’t you like it if I do this?” or something to that effect.
He replied, “Don’t do this for me. I think you’re great just the way you are.” Or something to that effect.
And I smiled.
Here’s why: Last year, at some point, I decided to change my thinking completely. I decided that everything I do will be “for me.” This applies to all areas of my life. It’s easy to make things about other people, but it also has nasty pitfalls. When you think you’re doing something for someone else, that comes with some entitlement whether you admit it or not. Even if you’re the nicest person in the world, after doing something for someone else again and again, you’ll eventually start resenting them for not doing something for you in return.
I think that’s human nature. At least in my opinion.
So instead of doing things for other people and then little by little resenting them, I decided to turn around my point of view and do everything just for me. There are some obvious cases where this is easy, like the art, journaling etc that I do for me. It’s easy to think of it for things like the exercise and weight loss too. Because while my husband might benefit from them, I certainly enjoy the outcome of my efforts wholeheartedly. So it’s definitely something I do for me.
I’ve gotten so good at this way of thinking that it works on even the not-so-obvious cases. For example, I make breakfast for my kids because it’s important to me that they eat a healthy, balanced, nutritious breakfast. I read to my son because I love reading these books for the first time or getting to reread them and share them with him. I love to see what he thinks, I love to share those moments with him. I focus on the benefit I am getting out of the experience instead of thinking how he’s lucky to have me. This allows me to remember why I do it and puts me in a space where I expect nothing in return. So I don’t resent him for taking my precious time. I am choosing to give it. To share it.
Same goes for many other things I do all day long. I take time to step back from each thing I do and think of why it matters to me. What personal benefit I am getting from it. This way I can keep the focus on me. It makes it so I feel no entitlement and no resentment.
So far, I haven’t found anything where this system doesn’t work. I still get upset sometimes and I try to catch myself. If I feel I am getting bitter or feeling entitled, I give myself a good talking to and maybe even journal. I then let it go. The thing about life is that you only have control over what you do. How you feel. So if you start doing things for other people in the hopes that they will then do things for you, you could get badly disappointed. Because people may or may not respond the way you want, hope, expect, wish. Other people do what they do. You only get to decide what *you* do. So I think it’s best to do as many things for yourself as you can.
Changing my perspective and my way of thinking has made my life so much better. Happier. Calmer. Now I am doing things for an audience of one.
Me.
All those other people in my life? They just get the side benefit of me doing things I want to do.
And it works like a charm.
One of the frequent comments I get here is about how I do it all. Where do I find the time? How do I manage? How can I possibly have time to do everything?
The answer is simple, of course.
I don’t.
The list of things I don’t do is way longer than the list of things I do each day. When people read my blog, they assume I do everything they do plus the things I do. Just like we assume a writer’s published book is how he writes or a blogger we admire has only the life she blogs about. We fill in the blanks. But we don’t fill them in accurately. Sometimes we assume the best, other times we assume the worst. We are rarely ever assuming the truth. I can even say we never do.
But what I was thinking about today isn’t even about how we are inaccurate so much of the time. It’s about quantity. I don’t think that doing so “MUCH” is an achievement by itself. Quantity is time consuming but not hard to produce. What’s harder is quality. And I don’t mean quality like creating an artistic masterpiece. I mean the quality something adds to your life.
There are some activities that lift your spirit up so much that doing them truly makes your day better. Not in the same way as checking off a to-do list item. For example, I exercise every morning. I do it as soon as I wake up, while it’s dark out and before I’ve checked my mail. It’s not an activity that lights me up. It doesn’t make me happy when I think of doing it and definitely doesn’t make me happy while I do it and often times not even after. I am just grateful it’s done. I am committed to doing it because I know it’s beneficial to my heart and body and health. But that’s it.
Then there’s the sketching. I often start my sketch while the kids are still at home and then finish it after I’ve dropped them off at school. Those 20-30 minutes spent on a page are some of my favorites in the day. When I am sketching, I don’t worry about the passage of time, I don’t feel frustrated. Most of the time, I don’t think at all. I just sit there and get into the joy of it. I feel like my sketches need a lot of work. There are many others whom I admire and wish I could be like. I yearn for more talent, better eye, clearer understanding of perspective, etc. etc. But despite not being anywhere near where I wish I were talent-wise, I still adore my sketching time. It’s an activity that definitely lights up my day.
There are other activities that add value to my life. Like the journaling helps me get organized and helps me sort out my head. This is exercise for my brain and soul just like the treadmill is for my body and heart. I need them both. But they don’t make me lose track of time the way sketching does.
So when thinking about how to spend your time, I say don’t worry about HOW MUCH you’re doing but worry about WHAT you’re doing. Are you taking care of your soul, brain, heart, and body? Are you doing things that light you up? Even if it’s one single thing. Even if it’s just for 15 minutes a day.
Sometimes we pile so much on our todo list that the whole days goes by without a moment of light. Without a moment of pure joy. When I watch my little son and see how many times a day he laughs all by himself, I find myself wishing for the same. I want to laugh with joy too. I want to do something that makes me so happy. This is not a race. And if it were, I think the ones who win are not the ones who do it all.
It’s the ones who do what gives them the most joy.
So look at how you spend your time. Look at your 2012 list. (I’m sure you have one.) Pick one thing that you know will give you joy. Don’t worry about all the others. Just do that one. Today. Right now. Do it for 10 minutes.
I promise you will be glad you did.
Like last year, after I thought about my word and my plans for 2012, I began to think more and more about what the word and the priorities meant. Since I tend to be self-reflective during this time of year, this is very long and mostly for my benefit (I like having a record of my plans and my thoughts) so feel free to skip. I won’t be offended.
By the way, this is influenced by Chris’s annual review article. I’ve read this before and have always liked the idea. I’m a technical person at heart and all these specific goals, measurable steps, etc. are right up my alley. Since I have my list of 9 priorities this year, I thought it would be a good exercise to see if I could come up with 3-5 goals for each.
So here we go:
Goals for Each Priority
Family
1. Read to David daily with a focus on longer, more involved books. (We will incorporate these into David’s Book of Good Memories)
2. Take photo of full-family and write updates weekly (Project Weekly Diary).
3. Write a weekly diary of us and daily gratitudes for me and David (Project Weekly Diary) and the gratitudes are on the left column of the blog.
4. Continue our family night where we all play games or watch movies together (Scheduled for Sunday nights)
5. Create letter-focused spreads and art with Nathaniel each week (Project Letters with Nathaniel)
6. Create at least one crafty spread a week with David about things that made him happy that week (Project David’s Book of Good Memories.)
7. Volunteer in both David and Nathaniel’s schools at least twice each semester. (I know this doesn’t seem like a lot but it’s the minimum I hope to do.)
8. Schedule minimum bimonthly date nights with Jake
Health (Project Healthy For Life)
1. Continue running daily, work your way up to 5K a day
2. Find a trainer so I can add basic weight-training and strength exercises weekly
3. Track the food I eat each day. (not fun!)
4. Continue using the fitbit daily with a goal of 10,000 steps a day
5. Get minimum 7hours of sleep every night and 8 on the weekends
6. Eat at least one serving of vegetables and protein daily
7. Start a meditation practice
Work
I don’t share much about work on my blog and I won’t here either but I promise you I have 5 specific goals for work for 2012.
Art
1. Sketch minimum four times a week (Project Weekly Sketching)
2. Art journal weekly using hand-lettering at least half the time (Project Weekly Art Journal)
3. Take at least three art classes
4. Experiment with at least three mediums
5. Try sketching using different sizes. (Really big+really small)
6. Focus on and hone one specific sketch style. (or two or three!)
7. Experiment with collage once a week (Project Journey into Collage)
Storytelling
1. Continue to create for my design teams (Maya Road, My Mind’s Eye, Write.Click.Scrapbook)
2. Create at least four pages (2-spreads) in my book (The Savor Project)
3. Design a class around different ways of storytelling
4. Aim to do 1-2 guest design spots or classes (that I teach) this year
Reading
1. Read a book a week (Project A Book a Week)
2. Read daily to David (longer, more involved books) (Project Reading with David)
3. Regularly attend both book clubs
Self-Reflection
1. Write at least three long thought/idea oriented blog posts a week
2. Journal five days a week
3. Take at least two self-reflection-focused classes this year (already signed up for Body Restoration)
4. Do the exercises in A Minute for Me, daily
Learning
1. Take two classes locally
2. Take four online classes this year
3. Learn to drive on the freeway
4. Learn to ride a bike
5. Learn to collage
Community (This is a particularly hard one for me.)
1. Go out to breakfast/lunch once a week
2. Invite guests over for dinner at least once a month
3. Extend an invitation to someone new once a week
4. Leave comments on blogs I read once a week
5. Respond to comments on my blog + return emails within 48 hours
There we go. As more creep up over the year, I will likely come here and add/alter as needed.
Schedule for Blog
I’ve also come up with a tentative schedule for my blog for 2012:
Mondays – Weekly Layout
Tuesdays – Weekly Sketching
Wednesdays – A Book a Week + The Savor Project
Thursdays – Weekly Art Journal
Fridays – Journey into Collage
Saturdays – Weekly Diary
Sundays – David’s Book of Good Memories(including Reading with David) and Letters with Nathaniel (we will alternate this each week)
I will also aim to post self-reflection/thought posts four nights a week. Likely Monday through Thursday.
And I haven’t decided whether I will continue the monthly newsletter or not just yet.
Thoughts to Cultivate
Last year, I created major focus areas I wanted to have throughout the year. Things that I want to come back to again and again. Some of these I will repeat for this year since I still would like to keep them forefront on my mind. And others are new for this year. These will likely show up in my art journals + self-reflection but I also want to have them here for reference.
1. Let go of worry This is definitely the biggest issue for me. I worry constantly and I worry about the smallest things as well as the big ones. Even though I know worry is a wasted emotion I still can’t help myself. I want to continue work on this very actively during 2012. I didn’t keep a god box last year but I plan to start on it this year. I also want to create worry lists from week to week (I mention the idea in number seven of this post.). I want to be very mindful about what and who makes me worry more and create tangible solutions to each.
2. Slow down and be aware I tend to be an over-achiever which is great but because I am so task-oriented and accomplishment-focused, I often rush through things. I am focused on the end and I don’t enjoy the journey. I don’t slow down. I don’t take my time, explore, learn, grow as much as I could. So my plan this year is to slow down considerably. Take my time drawing. Take my time reading and thinking. If some things don’t get done, that’s ok. I think that much more growth happens when we slow down and approach things mindfully. Since my word for this year is savor, this is something I plan to pay extra-attention to. One change I made from last year was to aim to reduce some of my daily tasks. My goal is to do 4 sketches a week and 4 art journal pages a week instead of doing 7 of each. This way I get a few days off and if I want to I can complete a sketch over two days.
3. Do not yell This one is self-explanatory. I absolutely hate hearing other people yell. And yet I do it more often than I’d like. This year, it’s a non-negotiable. It will not happen. It’s not a 5-10% thing. It’s all or nothing and the goal is nothing. People I love deserve my respect. (This is word for word from last year. I wish I could say I adhered to it. But, no. So for 2012, I want to be more resolute. Stronger. Kinder. Quieter.)
4. Be patient This one sort of goes along with 2 and 3. I need to practice more patience. I don’t need to rush through everything. I have young children. They are good good children. They are kind and generous and sweet. They deserve my patience. So does my husband. And me, too, I deserve being patient with myself. This, too, aligns perfectly with the savor theme.
5. Embrace joy I wrote about choosing joy before. Savoring is all about seeking the marrow of life. I want to seek joy. I want to quit worrying and embrace life and joy and bring forth good things in my life. Joy again and again. This would be so magical if I could do this. Just the idea makes me feel good.
7. Reach out I want to focus on building community more this year. Not necessarily a big one but one that makes me feel more a part of something bigger. I want my kids to grow and cultivate friendships and I want to set an example by doing the same. I am often too lazy or scared to do it. Time to let that go. This also means taking more trips, traveling, and in general getting out of the house more.
8. Be brave and self-compassionate I want to be braver this year. Try new things. Take chances. In all areas of my life. With art, with reaching out, with work, with daily life. And I can only do that if I practice more self-compassion. I want to be an example to my kids that we practice courage regularly. It’s not inherent. I want to show that sometimes we fail but we get up and try again. I want to move away completely from anything that encourages shame-words. I want to practice kindness and patience with myself. I want to show that failure is a part of life and so is showing compassion to oneself.
And there we are. I am sure more will come up. But these are some of what’s on my mind.
Here’s to hoping 2012 is fantastic for all of us!
This post was posted on the Big Picture Classes blog a few weeks ago but I thought it would be good to post it here, too. I hope you like it.
In Turkish, we have a saying. It loosely translates to:
“Drop by drop, it becomes a lake.”
This is how time works. Negligible amounts of time dedicated to the small task can end up amounting to tangibile, visible changes in your life.
I wanted to share some examples of my personal projects with you today. I will share three different examples with you. Just to show you that the idea applies across the board.
One of my goals this year was to learn how to sketch. I can’t draw at all but I’ve always wanted to. I loved watching people sit with a piece of paper and pencil and create works of art within moments. I saw other people’s sketchbooks and felt a strong desire to have my own. I was quite scared of this goal and postponed it for a while. Finally, on April 10, I decided enough was enough and I would start sketching every single day. Here are the two sketches I made on that day:
Yes, I told you. I can’t draw.
Alas, I kept trying. I dedicated 15-30 minutes a day to it. Every single day since April 10. I took other people’s sketches and tried to create my own versions. I used charcoal, colored pencils, pastel pencils, and eventually watercolors. I used photos as inspirations, too.
In the process I found artists that inspired me and I copied their work. Since I wasn’t selling anything and made sure to give credit, I didn’t worry about copying.
my version of the amazing sketch by Andrea Joseph:
Then I started to draw off of photos:
and finally moved to watercolors:
With just 15 minutes or so every day, I was able to improve my sketching significantly. To the point that I am no longer scared to sit and draw. Yes, I still have days where I hate my creations and I have a long way to go before I can use my own imagination, but I am no longer scared when I see something. I no longer think “I could never do that.” I know it’s just a matter of time, patience, and dedication.
All it took to have faith in myself (and to draw better) was 15 minutes a day.
Here are two more examples of how regular dedication of time can make a tangible difference in your life:
Another project I worked on this year was starting to exercise. I have never, ever exercised in my life. I don’t do any sports, and I don’t even know how to ride a bike. On October 2, 2010, I decided enough was enough and I would start exercising every day. I started with a one mile walk around the neighborhood and slowly increased to a 45-minute exercise of 2 miles of walking and 1 mile of running. As of July 2011, I had lost 32 lbs. I now weigh less than I did when I was 19 years old. Yes, I did watch what I was eating but I’d been doing that for years. What made this work was the 45 minutes a day I dedicated to working out. And now that my stamina is higher, I was able to change things up so I run 2 miles instead of walking so my 45 minute exercise is down to 21 minutes. I can use the extra time to be with my family.
And, finally for something different, my oldest son just learned how to read a year ago and he’s becoming more and more interested in books. I wanted to spend 2010 reading books to him to encourage his love for reading. Since I didn’t grow up here, I asked around a lot and made a list. It had most of the classics from Charlotte’s Web to The Wizard of Oz. I dedicated 20 minutes a day to read to him. Sometimes it would be during breakfast and other times, near bedtime. Just 20 minutes a day. I’d read to him and when we finished a book, he’d tell me what he thought of the book. (you can read more about the project here🙂 As of November 12, we’ve read 48 books together. Just 20 minutes a day.
So let’s summarize. With 15-45 minutes a day of dedication a day on each task, in less than one year, I was able to improve my drawing, lose 32 lbs., and read 48 books. If those are not excellent results, I don’t know what is. So next time you’re complaining about how you don’t have time to start something, remember that it takes a lot less time to accomplish a goal than you might think.
More importantly, what I learned when I was writing the Reclaiming My Time workshop is that you have a lot more free time each day than you think. All it takes is a good, hard look at where your time goes. I promise you, you will be surprised. As you can see from my examples above, taking just a few minutes each day to do things I value has changed my life. It made me more productive, happier, and more fulfilled.
Remember that how you spend your time is how you spend your life.
It’s been a rough few days here. Mostly due to work where I am trying to get some things done and there’ve been some challenges. But if you read here regularly, you know I don’t talk about work here. So this post is not about work. This post is about the fine balance between positive self-encouragement and negative self-talk.
I am fantastic on the latter. Not so great on the former.
The funny thing is, I firmly believe that I regularly work on improving myself. In many areas of my life, I try to be better. And not even better by other people’s definitions but by my own. I do the things I want to do. I work on the things I want to be better at. That’s why I started trying to sketch. Or even why I started to exercise. I didn’t lose the weight for my husband or mom or anyone else but me. I decided it was time and I just did it. While there are still areas where I falter often, I am generally pretty good at trying to tackle things I feel the need to improve.
Where I struggle is when I disappoint someone else. Or even when I think I disappointed them. (Often the other party doesn’t seem to care or worry nearly as much as I do.) I can’t seem to get over the feeling of how my inadequacy caused me to let them down. I beat myself up and go into the bad place of where I nonstop think that I am not enough. I worry about it so much that I become even more unhelpful. It’s no longer constructive.
When I look at other people who have the fine balance more under control, they seem to be able to say “That sucked, I’m sorry, I’ll do better next time.” They take notes on what to do (or not to do) next time.
And then they move on.
That’s the thing. That particular moment has passed. Even if I let someone else down, I cannot take it back. I’ve come to realize that’s the part that kills me. I so want to take it back. I so want to do better. I so want to be better. But the moment has passed. There is absolutely nothing I can do to take it back. And it’s okay.
It’s okay that I cannot take it back.
Anyone who’s decent will forgive me. Because when people see me, they can tell I care. They can tell I am working on improving and they can tell I would never intentionally let anyone down. I am confident that this is obvious about me. So instead of falling apart, what I’d like to do is stay on the constructive side of this fine balance. Be able to step back, take some notes, figure out next steps and try not to get myself into a similar situation next time.
I believe I can do this.
I believe this is what I need to work on. Not trying to do it right each time. Which is unattainable. But trying to stay on the constructive side of the fine balance between improving and feeling not enough. Knowing that I am always enough just the way I am will give me the perspective that I need to improve the steps so the same situation doesn’t occur the next time.
Yes, it all starts with knowing that I am enough just the way I am.
No matter what.
I had a conversation this morning that completely messed up my day. The funny thing is that I was talking to someone who works for me and was answering a question I had. He did nothing wrong at all. He was courteous and did indeed answer my question.
But after we hung up, I felt off. I felt small and not enough.
I felt like I wanted to ask him to explain the answer more deeply but felt too shy (inadequate, small, stupid) to ask. My first instinct was to be annoyed with him. But it didn’t take me long to realize it was all me.
I do this often.
There are times when my view of myself can get so skewed or small that everywhere I look, I only see people saying mean things. It can happen with anything. A coworker forgets to reply to email. A teacher doesn’t give my art feedback. Or even better, she will say nice things and then put an ellipses (…) and I will read into what the dots must mean. No one is free from my negative imagination. My husband, my kids, random person at the grocery store. It doesn’t matter who. Anyone can make me feel tiny during these times.
I have an excellent ability to gloss over the good and zoom in to the bad. It’s as if I am clinging so hard to this belief that I am not worthy that I will use any occasion to feed my belief. If anything is open to interpretation in the slightest way, I will slant it to the negative angle. Absence of information is negative and so is anything that is subjective.
Cheri in my class reminded me of this quote by Eleanor Roosevelt today: No one can make your feel inferior without your permission.
I believe this with all my heart. In the end, it comes down to inner strength and self-image. What we believe of ourselves is what we project to the world. People can only make us feel small if we let them.
And when I am in this bad place, not only do I let them but it’s like I’m forcing them. It’s like I am looking for the bad, seeking it, embracing it, encouraging it just to prove a point.
It took me almost all day to realize that it was the phone call that threw off the balance of my day. By then, I’d already found several other ways to feel bad about myself and had spent quite a bunch of time on the couch, pouting and feeling sorry for myself.
As I told Jake about the phone call and how it made me feel, he reminded me that the person on the other side was kind and truly happy to help. He had already told us we could call him as much as we needed. He wasn’t trying to make me feel small and if I had asked him to explain more, I bet he would have. Instead of giving him the benefit of the doubt, I assumed the worst of him and spent my whole day feeling bad about him and me.
Not to mention all the negative energy that I infused into anything else I did today.
I know that some people always look for the good in everything. People, situations, conversations. Life. I know that people like that annoy others. It feels fake. And maybe with some it is, but I know that with others it’s not. They genuinely have a positive outlook on life. I don’t know if this comes from a healthy dose of self-confidence or a healthy dose of optimism. But, either way, I’d like to be one of those people. I’d like to look for the good instead of the bad.
Imagine the joy this would bring into my life and to the lives of everyone around me.
This morning, as I woke up and started writing my journal, I realized that I was still feeling a bit off. Nothing specific was wrong but I felt out of sorts. I spent half the page writing about how I was feeling unprepared for December, frustrated, tired, worried, etc. I wrote that I hoped my December Daily would put me in the mood. I whined and whined.
Then I stopped.
I wrote that what I needed to do was to “slow down.” I wrote that if my goal for 2012 was to savor, I might as well start right now. By whining, I was wasting this very moment. I wrote that if I couldn’t do it for one month, I was surely not going to be able to do it for a year.
“Be quiet,” I wrote. “Calm. calm. calm.” (I laugh as I type this because seeing it repeated like that makes it sound not calm to me!) “Today I start to officially savor. Great way to welcome the best month of the year.”
And then my mood shifted.
David was making lunch for both himself and for his brother. He’d asked me if he could and I told him he was welcome to try. He was so excited to do something that I usually consider a chore. His delight made me happy. He did it all and did it wonderfully. I was proud of him and joyful to see him proud of himself.
After I dropped off the kids at their schools, my good mood persisted. I did my daily tasks, tackled work problems, drove to work, went to the offsite, came back home, put up the Christmas decorations outside, put the kids to bed and wrote my newsletter, all in a good mood.
I am smiling as I write this.
Almost nothing changed since this morning. I still haven’t done the many preparations I make for December. I am still behind and tired. But the difference is that I changed my lens. I am not looking at it through grouchy eyes anymore. I am letting it be. I am savoring the good. I am having faith that things will work out and that if they don’t, I will adapt.
Because you know what? I always do.
So instead of torturing myself ahead of time or reprimanding myself for being behind, or whining, I chose to pick up a different way to look at things. I believe we all look at the world through a lens. Sometimes it’s rosy and other times it’s gray. Sometimes it goes back and forth in a day. But almost all the time we have the choice. We can pick up the lens we want.
We have a lot more choice than we might like to admit. And today, I chose to let the gray one go. I chose to let myself off the hook. I chose to stop whining and start savoring.
And, today, it made all the difference.
I know we’re still over a month away from 2012. However, I generally use the time from Thanksgiving to New Years Day planning for the next year. I am already mentally done with 2011 and ready to think about the new year. And the first thing I like to do is choose a word to represent the theme for my year.
This year, I decided to share my word and my projects with you early in case one of them tickles your fancy and you like to do it, too. It also gives me a chance to get organized earlier. So as we wind down 2011, I will be sharing them with you. (I will also do recaps for my 2011 projects.)
I really struggled with my word for next year. As I thought about my projects and what I wanted next year to represent, here are a list of words that I considered:
- mindful
- grateful
- slow
- calm
- enjoy
- present
- joy
- thrive
- pay attention
- appreciate
Gratitude has been a big theme for me since 2009 and I loved the idea of putting it upfront and center. But it wasn’t enough. I felt like I really embraced my word for 2011 and I wanted the one for 2012 to be just as powerful. While gratitude is a powerful concept, I felt like I was already embracing it and I wanted to challenge myself more. The second theme in my words was about being in the present more. Being more aware, noticing things, slowing down, paying attention. If you read my blog regularly, it’s easy to guess that this is a big challenge for me. I am pretty type-a and I am result-focused. So I don’t always pay as much attention to the process as I would like to. I liked the idea of challenging myself to purposefully slow down. And the last theme I noticed was one of embracing joy. Thriving, appreciating happiness. This is another challenge for my usually self-critical and worrying self. I am often anxious and tend to focus on the negative. So, seeking joy would be a welcome improvement.
I liked all three themes of gratitude, mindfulness, and joy. I didn’t want to give any of them up. So I kept searching and searching.
And I finally settled upon: savor.
Savor.
I like that the one word somehow combines all of my themes. Savoring something often implies slowness and calm. It implies joy and appreciation. And even gratitude. I considered other words like bask that didn’t have heavy food-implications. But savor felt just right.
So savor it is.
To keep my word upfront and center this year, I already changed my blog banner. (If you’re reading this in email or on an RSS feed, come take a look.) I also started a new project called The Savor Project (more on this on Thursday) and I ordered two little rings.
They are both from the Cinnamon Sticks shop. It’s the heart stacking ring and the silver stacking ring. I ordered two the silver ones a few years ago. One of them says “Karen & Jake” and the other one says “David & Nathaniel” and I wear them on my left index finger all the time. I will now add the heart and the new silver (which will say “savor”) on top of the two I have. I haven’t received them yet but will take a photo and add it here when I do.
Following on my tradition from last year, I also made my Priority List for 2012. Just to remind the idea behind this is:
I was listening to The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People and one of the things the author mentions is managing our time and how we spend much of it doing what’s urgent instead of doing what’s important. As in, we’re often reacting instead of thinking ahead and calmly acting in the direction of our dreams and priorities.
So I decided it would beneficial for me to make a “Priority List”. A list of goals and people I want to prioritize during the year. This way, when an opportunity or request came my way, I could check my list and make sure it is aligned with my priorities before I accepted it. It’s easy to lose sight of things and take on projects that end up eating a lot of my time and not making me fulfilled. If I had my list to look at each time, I could keep what’s important at the forefront of my mind and make sure to prioritize it.
Here’s my Priority List for 2012:
* Family
* Health
* Work
* Art
* Storytelling
* Reading
* Self-Reflection
* Learning
* Community
Like last year, these are not in order. Yes, most of the time my family comes first. However, there are times when work takes higher priority because it has to for a brief time. Or sometimes I might choose to exercise even if my son wants to play at that moment. These priorities are fluid for me. They are all a part of me and I want to make sure I value them and dedicate time to each. I also want to make sure I turn down anything that doesn’t line up with one of these.
The list is similar to last year but not exactly the same. And like last time, I know you could make everything fit into one of these categories but, in my heart, I know what these mean. And I know when something comes along that doesn’t fit. Above everything, I want to stay true to my gut. I’ve made the mistake of doing something that will look good and make others think well of me before and it was a lot of heartache for me and so I want to listen to myself more and trust my gut and know that if I turn down something that feels wrong, other opportunities will still come my way and I will know when the right one is there. So I will have faith in myself and in the universe.
And I will prioritize the important.
And there we are.
Here’s to an amazing 2012: The year I will SAVOR each moment.
I know I haven’t written an evening post in a while and I apologize. I decided I wanted to take time off for Thanksgiving and be with my family, rest, etc. But I hadn’t fully planned on it, which is why I didn’t mention it sooner. Alas, it is what it is.
I did write up a lot of new posts coming in the next few weeks which talk about my plans for 2012. I picked my word and my projects for next year. Of course, they might still change but I am pretty attached to most of them. I am continuing some of my favorites from this year and adding a few new ones. Some challenges. Some to honor my word. I haven’t done a full-year-lookback yet but I feel like I’ve done a lot of service to my word this year. I don’t know if I will actually follow through but, for now I am planning on doing the OLW album with Ali next year. I think it’s a good way to pay even more attention to my word. And the one for next year (as with the one for this year) is near and dear to my heart and will need a lot of “keeping it in the forefront.” Much more on my word coming tomorrow.
Besides planning for next year, I spent a lot of my four-day weekend reading (two book club books: Winesburg, Ohio and Angle of Repose), sketching, art journaling, thinking, and being with family, of course. I also started my drawing class this week. It’s called I Heart Drawing and it’s by the wonderful Jane Davenport. It’s excellent so far. And I signed up for two more classes (yes, I can’t stop!). One is Christy’s 12 Ornaments class and then the other is for next year. It’s Body Restoration by Melody and Kathy. I loved both of the Soul Restoration classes and have no doubt I will love this one, too. Melody’s way of thinking and teaching resonates with me. I think that’s the trick with taking classes: finding a teacher that just does it in a way that speaks to you. (and knowing what that is, of course!)
I also signed up for a local class for next year. I think I need to get out more and this class is on Monday nights at a local collage so I will have to leave the house each Monday night. It’s on Willpower and by the author of this book. I expect it to be both useful and interesting. It should hopefully give me some stuff to write about here, too.
I haven’t written my December newsletter yet and cannot decide if I will continue them or not. If you’re subscribed to it, let me know your thoughts. This is not a quest to get compliments, I would love to know the truth since they are time-consuming. Feel free to email me if you don’t want to leave negative comments on the blog.
I am also not ready for December yet. I feel like I haven’t spent enough time planning my calendar of activities. I am not even excited about December Daily yet. Just feeling behind, I think. It’s ok, I keep telling myself. Everything will fall into place. It always does.
My class starts in two days. If you’re on the fence, I recommend you take it. I don’t think I will teach it again. Chances are very low. I am excited for it. This is one of my all-time favorite classes because it applies to every single person, not just crafters. And if you do the work, I have absolutely no doubt it will change your life.
And there you go, that’s a completely random update from me. Much more coming this week, I promise.
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projects for twenty twenty-five
projects for twenty twenty-four
projects for twenty twenty-three
projects for twenty twenty-two
projects for twenty twenty-one
projects for twenty nineteen
projects for twenty eighteen
projects from twenty seventeen
monthly projects from previous years
some of my previous projects
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