One of the lessons that came out of my Science of Willpower class was that stress inhibits self-reflection, self-awareness, and self-control. So stress ends up making you want things and shuts down all areas of your brain that can remember your high-level goals.
Which must be why I eat when I am stressed out.
While I believe living a structured, organized life is helpful, I find that stress is not. I think most people equate the two and there are times when that might be true, but it doesn’t have to be so. The more realistic you can be about your day, the easier it is to stick to your schedule and not provoke a stress response. Especially now that I know stress actually shuts down your body, it seems silly to work yourself into a frenzy in an attempt to be productive.
For me, stress often feels like a big bucket of heavy water I carry around. I have to be careful not to spill a drop and my back hurts from the constant load. I know it doesn’t serve me and I know that when I am stressed out, I am not my best self. Which then causes me to do things that upset those I love, which then makes me upset, which, of course, stresses me out.
The loveliest of vicious circles.
So what we discussed in class is figuring out what helps you relieve stress. My friend Caroline likes to run when she’s stressed. While I’ve grown to tolerate running and can even see how it might clear the mind, it will never make my list. One proven item is being in nature. There’s something about seeing the sky and trees that your brain responds to and I can attest that if I can make it out the door to take a walk, I always come back less stressed out.
Other things that work for me are: playing music really loud, hugging my kids tight, journaling, art, and reading.
And I’ve learned something else last week. While I love being at home, sometimes I get stuck in a rut. So, going out to Starbucks and sitting there with my ipad and watching movies from my classes really really lifts my mood. It transports me to a good place and, after a little while, I feel refreshed, and look forward to going home and hugging my kids. So, now, I try to go out regularly. Even if for a little while. It seems to wash away my stress better than anything I can do at home.
That’s my goal this year. To pay attention and regularly take time to unburden my soul. Do whatever I need to, to let go of what doesn’t serve me. If stress shuts down higher thinking then I am absolutely useless when stressed out anyway. Instead of churning and getting myself more and more and more worked up, I need to let go.
Remember that it’s better to take the time, unburden my soul and then tackle whatever it is.
No, it’s not just “better.”
It’s crucial.
The last few weeks have been really not-so-great for me. I can’t even put my finger on the why. For a while, I was grumpy, and then down right grouchy. Angry. And then we went on vacation and I felt peaceful for a few days. But we came back and it was hectic and I was frustrated again. Rushed. Stressed. And then I started feeling sad and small. Something I really, really dislike because when I am sad and small, I go to the pessimistic place and it becomes this cycle that’s hard to break. So I’ve been very conscious of it and I’ve been trying to journal regularly to see if I can sort out what’s going on and what’s perpetuating my negative feelings.
And this morning I realized, one of my problems was the people around me.
I’m continually amazed at how much we live our lives by comparing to others. Or maybe it’s just me. But even though I am really content with where I am right now and very, very grateful, I still seem to compare, consciously or not. It’s not that I want the yacht or a house in Tahoe, but when I am surrounded by people who seem to have “succeeded” so much more than I have, I start doubting myself. I feel small and unaccomplished and even more, I feel like I must have done something wrong. I must have somehow not done enough with what was given to me. I was very lucky to be supported and loved both financially and emotionally. I got to go to a very good school and I made sure to study hard and make the most of every minute. I’ve always been conscious of my good fortune and worked hard not to let it go to waste. Which is why, I think, I feel bad when I meet others around my age who have so much more. Who accomplished so much more.
I feel like maybe I wasted the hard work of those who supported me. Maybe I could have been more so it would be more worth it for them.
I also feel this way around my kids. I feel like I don’t give them enough. I am tired too often and choose to “relax” more than spend time with them or hug them or meet their needs. I worry I am messing them up. I worry I am not giving them all that they deserve. Because, I tell you, my kids are really amazing. I got super-lucky. And I don’t want to take that for granted for a moment. But, I know that I do sometimes. And, again, I can’t stop feeling like I am squandering something precious.
And then I meet others who are truly struggling. At a much more basic level and I remember how much I do have and how lucky I am. How I don’t have to worry about having a roof over my head or food on the table. How I have a great job and amazing family. And that, too, makes me feel inadequate on a whole different level. I feel like I am not grateful enough. I don’t help others enough. I used to spend so much of my time volunteering and haven’t done so in a long time. I feel like I take so much for granted. I whine about such inconsequential stuff.
So looking on either side makes me feel bad. Makes me feel like I don’t measure up to the human I wanted to be. I could be. I should be.
This is what makes me feel small.
But then I remind myself that I am not these other people. No one has had the same life I’ve had. I don’t know what goes in their lives and I have no idea if they’re measuring up to their goals. I can’t compare bits and pieces of their life to the whole of mine. And I’m exactly where I want to be at this moment. I have this amazing life. I am doing the best I can most days. Yes, I fail sometimes. I do things I am not proud of. There are many other things I want to do. To be better at. But I am working hard at balancing everything. Trying to keep my good job that I worked hard to earn. Trying to be a good mom to the kids I am gifted with. Trying to be a good wife to a generous husband who always lifts my spirit. Trying to regularly look within, improve, be happier, be better. I am trying. I might not be super-successful at one thing, but I do think I am doing ok on many levels and, most importantly, I am focusing on choosing peace and joy again and again. Trying to make the most of this magical life. My magical life.
And, in the end, I truly think that’s what matters most.
For reasons that aren’t clear to me, I’ve been considerably grouchy lately. It’s been going on long enough that I am angry at myself for being grouchy, which, of course, makes me grouchier. It’s a stupid cycle because being grouchy makes me do things that aren’t good for me. I make bad choices and then I feel ashamed or frustrated or angry. But I am too grouchy to break the cycle so I keep making them and getting more upset. Letting myself down.
It’s a vicious cycle and doesn’t serve me at all.
One of the exercises I’ve done in several of the classes I took last year was to think about where my peace is. What brings me peace? This is not to be confused with joy or happiness. It’s not about what makes me proud of myself. It’s not about what makes me laugh.
It’s just about peace.
And, for me, that often means calm and quiet and a deep sense of belonging in the world. Being 100% content. For others, it might mean something completely different.
So the first step is knowing what peace means for you. Then the next step is knowing what situations, people, times, things, places create that sense of peace for you.
I discovered that there are a few things that put me in the peaceful mindset. One of them is looking at the sea. There’s something about endless water that calms me down immediately. The same effect is created by Redwood trees. Something about the expansiveness of nature. I also feel peaceful in the night or early morning hours when my kids are sleeping and I don’t have anything I have to do. Walking with loud music (or classical music) blaring in my ears. Hugging my kids. Holding hands with my husband. Curling up with coffee or tea and a good book.
These are simple. But I don’t do them often enough.
I think I need to make a list of twenty or so things that make me feel peaceful. This way, when I am grouchy, I can look at my list and hope that one or two will be appealing and possible at that moment.
As for this week, tomorrow I get to do a few of the items on my list and I am already feeling grateful for the opportunity. I am hoping that at least one of them will work and I can finally shake off this grouchiness.
I often get emails from friends and readers who comment about how they’re amazed at how open I am and how much I am willing to share on the blog. And how they love it but would never be able to share as much as I do. If you’d known me as a kid, you’d find it even more fascinating.
I was the most private kid I know. I wrote diaries all my life and locked them and carried them everywhere with me. I told my secrets to no one. I mean no one. My best friend kept telling me how unfair it was that she told me everything and I told her nothing. I wasn’t trying to be unfair. I wanted to tell her things too.
But I just couldn’t.
Somehow I felt like the world would end if I said anything out loud. She’d make fun of me. She’d tell others. She’d think less of me. Whatever. You name it, I worried about it.
So I stayed mum.
All the way to college, I wrote. Even during college, I kept diaries sporadically. So people who knew me as a kid would be amazingly surprised that I share things so publicly.
But here’s the thing: there’s a big difference between personal and private.
While I do share a lot of personal thoughts, feelings and sometimes bits of events here, I never share what I consider to be private. I rarely ever talk about my husband. I don’t share intimate details of our marriage or my kids’ lives (at least what I consider to be intimate). I believe in keeping private things private. To me, this is the biggest issue with blogging while you’re “raw.” I’ve had friends start blogging after a big breakup or some other personal event and they use the blog to vent, breakdown, or just get things out of their system. I don’t believe the blog is the best medium for that. (This is just my personal thought, I respect other people’s thoughts, too and I believe each person should do what feels right for them.) I remember about ten years ago, my husband was worried about all my blogging, so I printed out all my posts up until then and he read them all and saw that there really was nothing private in them.
Most of what I share is as an example to a bigger concept, feeling, thought I am trying to explain. Most of what I share is about me.
And here’s what I learned: I like sharing about me.
I like writing about my thoughts, feelings, days. Not only is it a record of where I am right now in my life but it’s also my way of connecting to a world much bigger than my physical one. It allows me to have conversations with people who feel the same way (or who feel very differently) and I love that dialogue. And I’ve learned that for that kind of dialogue to happen, someone has to start talking. Someone has to initiate.
I am a big believer in connecting through dialogue. Sharing knowledge. Sharing perception. Sharing ways of looking at life.
Sharing stories.
I think we need more people sharing stories. It is through others’ stories that we feel less alone in the world. It is through others’ authentic (not glossy) stories that we feel connected through the good and the bad.
So I do what works for me. Over the years, my blog has changed with me and I posted writing, photography, knitting, art, scrapping, and everything else I did over the thirteen years I’ve been doing this. And through all that, I had words. I shared the personal. I used it as a place for me to collect my life, my thoughts, my stories. And to connect.
I try to be open and honest here. I do share the personal. But I keep the private for my journal. For me, that’s where the line is drawn. I don’t mind being vulnerable and honest as long as it’s not something I consider private. And your line might be somewhere wildly different than mine. Maybe you do consider some of what I share private. Some people consider any sharing private. That’s totally ok with me. I’ve been lucky enough to receive nothing but good will and kindness for what I share. But I completely understand the worry others might have.
I know the younger Karen would have worried too. She would have kept her blog private (assuming she ever had one.) We all have to do what feels right for us. I believe that wholeheartedly.
But, this Karen loves being here. I love sharing. I love the rewards of knowing I am not alone.
Which also comes back to those of you who comment and email. Thank you. While I try to write for myself, my biggest reward is you and your willingness to reach out to me.
A few weeks ago a friend was telling me how she doesn’t dance and sing with her kids because her parents never did that with her and it’s just not the way she is. But the way she said it gave me pause. It didn’t sound like she didn’t want to do it. It sounded like she secretly wanted to do it but justified it to herself by saying how she didn’t have it as a kid and so it was ok not to give it to her kids. (Or, you know, maybe I’m putting words in her mouth, but it doesn’t matter because this post isn’t about her. I mention it cause this conversation and the vibe I got triggered this post.)
And then this past weekend I was journaling the hundreds of questions last week’s Body Restoration class came with and one of them was “What do I wish I had never done?” And I thought about all the possible answers I could give. But then I realized that I couldn’t write anything down. The thing is, I only know this version of my life. And everything that happened before this is the sequence of events that took me here. How can I be sure that changing anything wouldn’t lead me somewhere else? The thing is, I love my life right now. I am deeply grateful for it. And regretting something in the past or wishing it had never occurred opens up the possibility of other paths. Other ways my life could have unfolded. And maybe I wouldn’t end up where I am now. There’s nothing that would make me wish that. Everything I did, good and bad, is what led me here. I regret nothing.
So when I thought of my friend’s situation and my thoughts on regret, and I decided that what I want is to never live a life unfulfilled. I don’t want to make excuses to not do the things I want to do. I want to live the best life I can. Not get hung up on regrets, past worries, other people’s mean words or expectations.
Many years ago, I took a big life-changing class and I took a trip back home Turkey soon after. I remember sitting at dinner with my family and telling them about my class. My grandmother said that she wished she’d taken it. She had so many regrets about the way she’d lived her life. I was quite surprised cause my grandmother had never, ever mentioned such thoughts before. But it also made me think a lot. I want to be able to look back and feel like I lived my life to the fullest extent possible. Explored all my options. Lived true to my own dreams, goals, joys, and ideals. That I pleased myself and the ones I love over the people who don’t matter.
Just to top off all these thoughts, today, my grafting happiness class started and today’s post had the following quote: “The fear that something is wrong with you is your greatest block to joy. In truth, there is no other block.”
I don’t want to feel like there’s anything wrong with me. I don’t want to worry about what I am not doing, or who’s not approving of me, or who talks behind my back. If I want to sing and dance with my kids, I don’t want to worry that my mom didn’t do it with me so I shouldn’t do it. Or that I don’t know how. Or that it looks silly. I don’t want to wish away any of my past. It is the foundation upon which I rest: good or bad. It’s also gone. It’s completely over with. I don’t want to worry about regrets. I don’t want to be afraid. I don’t want to worry about people and things that don’t truly matter. And, most importantly, I don’t want to live a life unfulfilled.
I want to fill my cup of joy all the way up. And drink it all and then fill it up again. I want to live my day as if I am completely free to be and do anything I choose. There’s no rope tying me to the past and holding me down. There’s no shoulds, musts. Just a list of things that fulfill me and the people I love.
So that, at any moment in time, and know that I am making the very best of what I have.
Drinking every last drop of joy.
When we went to David’s parent-teacher conference last week, one of the things the teacher mentioned was that David reported a lot of thumbs-downs post-lunch. His class has a routine where they sit in a circle when lunch is over and each of the kids get to say thumbs-up, sideways, or down for how their lunch period felt.
And David was often choosing thumbs-down.
This lined up with what I’ve been seeing lately, too. David seems to often choose to look at things from a negative perspective. And also he doesn’t always realize something is not enjoyable until quite a bit of time has been invested into it. For example, sometimes he gets to spend special time with Daddy at night before bed. Occasionally, at the end of this time, he’ll come down to say good night to me and tell me that it wasn’t fun and he didn’t like what Daddy and he spent their time on. When I ask him if he told Daddy this, he invariably says no. So I tell him that he needs to make sure to communicate when things aren’t going the way he’d like them to go.
But until this week, I didn’t realize something else might be at play, too. Maybe be he doesn’t realize that he’s not enjoying an activity while it’s still happening. It’s only at the end that he evaluates and feels regret. So I told him to try out a new strategy at lunch. I said, “About halfway through lunch, stop and think: Would I give my lunch a thumbs-up if I had to go back in right now? Pay attention to your answer. If it’s not a yes, you still have time to change things so that lunch is more enjoyable for you. You get to control how lunch goes for you. So if you go back in and it’s a thumbs-down, remember that you had the opportunity to fix it and you didn’t take it.” Of course there are times something happens to him and he doesn’t have control over it and it’s a genuine thumbs-down. But most of the time, it’s really because he’s not taking control of his lunch period as much as he could. He’s not stopping to pay attention to how things are going. He’s evaluating too late when there’s no way of going back to change.
That’s how regret thrives.
I notice that we do that often in our lives. We get into relationships that seemed right at the time but don’t take the time to regularly evaluate (or re-evaluate) if it’s still a good relationship. Same goes with long-term projects. Or anything where there’s a long or no defined end-point. I believe that one of the most powerful rights we have as humans is the right to choose. We have choice. This is no small thing. If we don’t exercise our right to evaluate and actively choose things over and over again, we’re no different from people who have no choice. This is a huge deal. It’s one of the major keys to happiness: realizing you have choice and exercising it often.
I believe it’s crucial to take the time to evaluate and re-evaluate all the things in your life. I make a point to choose my husband each morning. I don’t want to be married to him just cause it’s the status quo. I want to choose to be with him on that very day. I want to remember why I made the choice in the first place and see if I still feel that way. Or see if I still want to be with him even if it’s for different reasons than I had when I first met him. Even though the alternatives aren’t as wide, I make a point to choose my kids, too. I remember why I wanted kids. I remember the joys they bring into my life. I make the choice. Same with my relationships. It’s better to not have any relationships than to have one that feels destructive. It’s important to reevaluate because people change constantly. You change and the other person changes, too. Sometimes it’s not in the same direction. Sometimes conflicts that weren’t there show up and it’s no longer a positive friendship. It’s ok to put it on hold for a while. And it’s ok to let it go, too.
Same goes for work. You need to make the choice so you don’t feel trapped. Maybe it’s not the work itself but the fact that the income allows you the freedom to buy things you want. Either way, you need to evaluate and actively make a choice. I do that for my art even. If I don’t feel like scrapping or art journaling many days in a row, I step back and evaluate. While I work hard to honor my commitments to myself, I also take the time to evaluate my choices again and again so I can modify as needed. So I can feel like I am savoring my life fully and not feeling trapped in it.
Some choices come with harder consequences than others. Some even feel like non-choices. I understand this. And, trust me, I feel it too. But I still think it’s important to take the reins when it comes to your life. And you can only do that if you take the time to evaluate regularly.
And make the choice to live a thumbs-up life.
I was reading this wonderful post by Karen Russell this morning and though several parts of the post spoke to me deeply, the part that resonated the most with me was when she wrote this:
So it really doesn’t matter what I feel, it only matters what I do.
Even though her context is different, I work hard to apply this way of thinking to my life regularly. (By the way, I loved her context too but she already talks about that beautifully so I didn’t think it needed repeating.) I am a big proponent of doing things. In one of the Soul Restoration classes, there’s a whole session called “She did it anyway” and I remember it being my very favorite week.
When we don’t feel like doing things, we tend to think that others are doing it because they “feel” better about doing it. When I didn’t exercise at all, I used to look at others and say “Well she loves running.” or “She’s so good at it, I could never do that.” on and on. I didn’t, for a second, imagine that they didn’t want to do the activity either. I can apply this to practically anything in my life. Scrapping, working, exercising, eating a good meal, cooking, cleaning, taking care of the yard, reading to my kids, playing with my kids, spending time with those I love, etc, etc.
There are certain activities I pretty much never feel like doing. Like exercising. Having done it for quite a while now, I can confidently say that exercise will not be something I look forward to or feel like doing. But it will always be something I do anyway. I won’t wait until I feel like doing it. I will just do it. Just like cleaning up the dishes or picking up a mess. It’s something I don’t like to do but I appreciate the outcome so I deal with the process. I do it for the rewards that come from having done it per se.
(I want to mention that there are other areas where the rewards are not worthwhile to me and the doing is also dreadful so I don’t do those. For example, I don’t like cooking and I do believe I can provide nutritious meals for my family without having to cook, so I don’t cook. I just wanted to make sure to highlight that there are cases when neither the work nor the outcome are desirable and it’s important to recognize those too so we can stop doing them and use our time more effectively. These items are clearly personal. A tidy house might be less important to you than a home-made meal so you spend your time cooking and I spend mine putting the dishes away. There’s no right or wrong here, just knowing what your personal preferences are and using them to make yourself happy.)
Anyhow, back to my point. I also have a list of things that I do enjoy most of the time, but only after I begin. As I’ve mentioned here before, I feel a strong sense of inertia. When I am reading, I rarely want to stop reading so I can draw. When I am scrapping, I rarely want to sit with my kids instead. There’s a strong pull to continue whatever it is I am currently doing. It doesn’t matter what the current activity is (as long as it’s something I tend to enjoy), I just don’t want to transition to another one. But I’ve learned over time that, for me, doing a variety of things each day makes me feel more fulfilled at the end of the day. I have several projects and I like to move them all forward frequently. So there are many days where I don’t feel like sketching. Or art journaling. Or sometimes even hanging out with my kids. But I don’t wait for that feeling to pass. I don’t wait to feel like doing art.
I just do it.
I tell myself it’s time to sketch. I stop what I am doing and start sketching. Invariably, about ten minutes in, I am lost in the activity and grateful I’m doing it. So much so that when I am done, I don’t tend to want to move to the next activity but just continue what I am doing. But I move on. And at the end of the day, I am always grateful.
So, I’ve learned to never wait for the feeling to be there. There are times I really feel like creating or reading, and I work hard to honor those times. But more often than not, it’s just about doing it anyway.
This applies to being kind too. And not participating in the gossip. Making healthy food choices. Not yelling. Not being sarcastic or passive aggressive. Calling someone you’ve been meaning to call. Doing something when you said you would do it. It applies to the areas of doing your share in the world like Karen’s story in her post. Being a kinder, helpful member of a family, of a society. Lending a hand when you can. Not because you’re feeling like it but because it’s the right thing to do.
I’ve learned over time that many other people don’t feel like doing it either. Do you think most writers feel like writing every single day? When you look at others without the cloudy glasses on, you can clearly see that the reason others get things done is because they are dedicated to their goal and focused on the outcome. And they certainly don’t feel like doing it all the time either. But they don’t wait until they feel up to it.
They just do.
I spent the weekend at the Craft and Hobby Association’s Trade Show at Anaheim, CA. I’ve been going to this show for about six years now. In the beginning, I went with my friend Michelle as one of her design team members and then, for the last few years, I’ve been going with Maya Road so I can help them out during the show. Since I have a job and the show is during the week, I only tend to go for about 36 hours.
The interesting thing about the show, for me, is that I always look forward to going and then after the first day, I always look forward to coming home. At the end of a full show day, I often feel drained, overwhelmed and worn out. So 36 hours is just about the right amount of time for me. I need to go home and recharge.
Which is odd because if you meet me in person, you’ll quickly notice that I talk a lot.
A lot.
Quickly, nonstop, a lot, and animatedly. I am Mediterranean after all.
So most people make the assumption that I am extroverted. I’ve come to understand that while, in certain situations, I am not shy (though in others I am that, too), I am most certainly introverted. And the show is the opposite of that. You end up running into a ton of people you know, mostly from online communities. You each have only a few seconds so you have brief, ephemeral conversations. You might feel genuine, deep emotion for this person but there’s no time or chance to express it. And this happens all day long. There’s a ton of talking in groups and not a lot of content.
Exactly the opposite of what I like.
I’ve come to learn that I exclusively prefer tete-a-tete conversations. Even three people are too many for me. I find that the depth of genuineness is unparalleled when it’s just the two of you. When there’s no one to act for, no one to worry about, no one to look good for. You might not be able to achieve the deep connection even then but the only chance you have at it is when it’s just the two of you. This is strictly my opinion, of course.
So, for me, this show is a bit like torture because there are a lot of people whom I’d love to finally be able to sit down with and have a face to face conversation with but neither of us have the time for it. So it always ends up withering down to snippets of conversations that leave me even more unfulfilled than if I’d had nothing.
I often find that I come home with a sense of emptiness. A sense of missed opportunity. I often wish there were more one-on-one conversations and more time to deeply connect.
That’s the thing for me. I crave the deep connection. Everything else just eats at my soul and leaves me worn out. And the convention is rarely the setting for authentic connection.
This is not to say there isn’t anything good about the show, of course. I do get to hug the people I love and see their pretty faces. I get to express my gratitude in person. I get to see and touch wonderful new product. All of these things are great.
I just wish I could magically create the opportunity to make this rare occasion work more profoundly for me.
In 2002, I taught fifth grade in the South Bronx. I had a very large class and struggled regularly to keep it under control. What I learned in just a few weeks was that I had three types of students in my class: the ones who were quiet even if everyone else climbed the walls, the ones who acted out even if the whole class was quiet, and the ones who went with the flow of the class. The first two groups were always tiny. Maybe three kids in each. This meant that the the amount of chaos in the room at any moment really depended on my ability to have those three “not so quiet” students not act up. Let’s just say I failed more often than I succeeded.
Over the years, I’ve realized that humans in general aren’t very different from my classroom. There are those who have a strong sense of self that just doesn’t get swayed (at least not perceptibly) by the crowd and then there’s the rest of us. The ones who mold, shift shape, accomodate, and go with the flow.
I can’t decide which is better.
Some days, I think it’s good to be the kind of person who can shift so that she fits well into the crowd. This is what makes you a good employee, community member, PTA member, or whatever. Your ability to change and act and prioritize differently in different settings. Not all situations are the same and being able to pick up on the context and adapt accordingly is a solid skill in life.
However.
Well. There’s something so powerful in consistently being who you are. In holding on to your character. Maybe I am not comparing apples to apples here, I am not sure. But I’ve been thinking lately that I would like to be able to be myself more often. I think it comes with a deep sense of self-acceptance.
My husband sent me this video shot at Burning Man the other day. I’ve always wanted to attend the event but it just didn’t work out. He sent it to me to show that I might not like it as much as I think I would. As I watched it, I knew, of course, that this wasn’t exactly the kind of environment I would be into. I am very straight-laced. Organized. Relatively serious. I mostly wear black, gray, blue. I am not what you might consider eccentric in any way.
However I always wished I were.
I watched that video and I wished I was a creative soul, eccentric, not afraid to be a colorful person. I wished I was a more visual, liberated, freer person. The people in the video seemed so free. So…themselves.
But that’s the thing, you see.
Once I stepped back to take a good look. What I realized is that it’s not as much their eccentricity that is alluring (though it is that, too) but it’s mostly their ability to be so wholly who they are. That’s what I want for myself. Just being 100% ok with who I am. Not feeling the need to change my personality to fit in. I don’t mean that in an obnoxious way. Of course, there are orders to different settings and I can behave accordingly. But outside of that, I just would like to fully embrace who I am. My personality. Good and bad. There’s something so magical, so truly wonderful in being 100% at peace with you.
Just as you are.
When I was in the sixth grade, I tried to change schools. This new school had an entrance exam and was supposed to accept only one transfer, so I studied pretty much all year for this one exam.
On the day of the exam, I woke up with a fever. A high fever.
I remember that I was so sick I could barely hold my head up during the exam. So much so that the monitor came over and told me I had to sit straight (she thought I was trying to cheat, I assume.) I normally tend to finish exams well under the required time cause I go way way fast. And then I review my answers, change a bunch of stuff around, and that’s it.
This time, I had to go very slowly because my attention span wasn’t being cooperative. I took my time with each question and went super-slowly. I finished just about on time.
Since I was so sick, both my mom and I assumed that was it. A year of preparation for one terrible day was such a bad ratio and, alas, I had been unlucky and that was that.
But, of course, that’s not how the story ends.
I got into the school. In the end, they decided to take two people in and I was number two. The girl who was number one (it was a girls’ school) got into another school and chose to go there instead. So I would have ended up getting in even if they only took one person.
Over the years, I’ve thought about that exam a lot. How being sick is what might have led me to getting in. The transfer to that school likely changed the course of my life. I am not sure I would have ended up here in the United States without it (though maybe I would have since I was very personally driven to end up here no matter what.) More than anything, that day was a reminder to me that sometimes when I don’t know how to do it, the universe has a way of slowing me down.
I’ve been quite sick for the last two days. I seem to have come down with a nasty cold and have constant headaches and cannot do much without a lot of effort. Thankfully, this came at the tail end of a long weekend where I was quite productive but still, it sucks to be sick.
And even though I hate what it does to my schedule and my attention span, I’ve also learned to respect and pay attention to what it does to my life. Two significant things: One is that it makes me appreciate being healthy so much. I am lucky enough to be relatively healthy and I don’t really think too much about it. Until I don’t have it anymore. And when I am sick, I can’t even remember what healthy felt like. It seems endless. It is a good reminder to cheer for each day that I am not in pain.
Secondly. being sick gets things down to the bare essentials. The only things that get done are what really really needs to get done. Everything else goes by the wayside. And the world doesn’t end because of it. I find these days to be a good reminder of what is essential. What matters more to me than anything else.
What can’t I let go of no matter what? What is important for my soul regardless of how my body feels?
The bare essentials.
It’s a good reminder to have. Because we often get caught up in all that has to get done. Chores, todo lists, obligations, even personal todo list. Blogs that have to be caught up on. Messages to return. Etc. etc. But in the end most of those things can wait. Some can even wait forever.
The sickness takes away the sense of urgency. It forces you to slow down. It forces you to reconsider what must get done. It forces you to think more carefully.
It forces you to let go.
It’s unfortunate that the universe has to force me to take a break every now and then but, alas, I’ll take a message from the universe no matter what shape it comes in. (Well….maybe not always but that’s another conversation for another time.)
I watch a lot of TV. A lot. And I’ll be honest, each time I read about how to increase your productivity you need to turn off the TV, I scoff a little. I’ve been watching a lot of TV since I was about 15 and I often can’t do work without it on. Well, in the name of 100% honesty, I will say that most of the time I am not actually watching the TV since I really use it for the noise. I am often processing photos, doing art, or some other recurring task at the same time. When I was in high school and college, I couldn’t do my homework unless the TV was on. And I dare someone to tell me that I am not productive. TV is not the problem. At least not for me.
Alas, this is not a post about TV and whether it will kill your productivity or not.
While I am not very selective about my subject matter and watch just about anything that’s on the air between 8-11, I do make one exception: reality TV. I don’t watch any reality TV. None at all.
When this genre first came to be popular, I watched a few of the shows but it didn’t take me long to realize that they were more focused on humiliation and drama than just about anything else. And I just couldn’t take it. I couldn’t watch people’s worst sides being exposed again and again. Seeing them cry, be made fun of, or just outright humiliated was too much for me. I decided early on to give the whole genre up and have never looked back. (disclaimer: I am sure there are some truly good ones so please don’t take this as a judgement if you do indeed watch them, it’s just my personal opinion.)
After I wrote yesterday’s message, Ann commented: And as another of my friends says when other people’s chaos seems so urgent, “don’t just do something, sit there!” It’s amazing how often crazy-making people will move on to the next person on their emergency list if they don’t get an immediate drama-gratification from me. Of course, that means I don’t get to be their hero; instead I have to be my own hero. That’s substantially harder.
I’m not one of those people who slows down to watch when I see an accident on the road (unless they need help of course). I don’t try to get involved in other people’s drama. While I do also get curious sometimes, I try to stay out of gossip and negative talk. I’ve always tried to be good about this. Sometimes I failed and other times I was more successful.
But for 2012, I decided to make a more drastic change.
I’ve basically wiped out as much of the sarcasm, drama, and gossip out of my life as possible. I just decided that reading sites with negativity or sarcasm was adding to my overall discontented feeling. I’ve stopped reading super-depressing books. I’d already stopped watching the news a long time ago. I just feel like these were taking away from my life and not enhancing it in anyway. Maybe it’s because when I get into it, I am really involved, I deeply care and it ends up becoming a big part of my life. I’ve even been known to care and worry more than the original person.
So now I give it up.
This doesn’t mean a friend cannot come to me with a genuine grief or worry. Of course I am here for that. I am here to support everyone I love and care about. But I am no longer getting involved with the needless drama or gossip. In my life or online. I am trying to move away from people who favor drama and sarcasm. I am trying to focus more on positive and on the real people. I made a point to go through my RSS reader and cleared out a lot of blogs. I took my reading list and eliminated several titles.
I don’t know what it is about the spiral of drama that sucks people in but I just know it puts me in a bad place where I don’t like to be and it takes me away from being the best version of myself. So I’ve chosen to clear the noise around me.
And Ann’s right, of course, it’s hard being my own hero. But it also is so much more satisfying. And so much more worthwhile.
Things went a little crazier than anticipated last night and I ended up working late again. The good news is that I didn’t panic or stress at all about my todo list that was being completely neglected. I told myself that I would wake up tomorrow (today) and get a bunch of stuff done and feel better. I managed to not stress even a tiny bit and I was so proud of myself.
This morning I woke up and exercised and then I sat down to journal. Just as I began, I received an email about something technical that was suddenly going to require my attention. Something I really didn’t want to have to deal with but I was already stressing about it before I even finished reading the email. I sighed. Here I was ready for a calm, quiet day and this one was already going downhill and it wasn’t even 6:30AM.
Since it happened right as I was journaling, I decided it would be a good time to see if I could journal this new problem out of my system. I don’t understand how these things happen daily, I wrote down.
And then I realized the truth. I wrote, Then again maybe it’s just a sign that small annoying things do indeed happen daily and I need to find a way to let it go. Because if I let all the little things get to me then I will surely stress every single day.
We all know that’s not sustainable.
So I then told myself that I had to find a way out. A way to let all these little things go. I needed to find a way to allow these small incidents to flow in and out of my life without letting them disturb and stress me to the extent they seem to.
I journaled some more about specific ideas on how I could resolve this particular problem. It came with a lot of unknowns – which I am not a fan of. And it also depended on other people’s choices which meant there was little I could do to fix it – another situation I dislike. But alas, that’s life. Many things happen all the time that I cannot control, know, or fix. The more I grow up, the more these occur. I have kids, a husband, a home, a job. I am surrounded by things outside of me and bigger than I can conquer alone. I will need to find a peaceful way to deal with the fact that things will not always go exactly my way.
Indeed, I am now convinced, we will have small things go wrong every single day. It’s just life.
And such, I’ve decided to let them go. I will do what I can to resolve them, move them forward, eliminate what I can and then I will just accept the rest with grace and patience. I will not let it determine the quality and content of my day.
I have faith that the rate at which these things resolve themselves will not change with my new attitude. What will change is my personal happiness and sense of peace.
And I certainly would never turn away peace.
So after journaling some ideas and implementing a few of them, I just let this little problem go. Later in the day, I got a response and I did a few more things to resolve it and then I let it go again. I am hoping and planning to do that again and again until the issue is resolved one way or another.
In the meantime, I am pretty sure something new will come up tomorrow and I hope I will have the grace to handle that the same way. Letting the little stuff go has never been my strong suit. But I am realizing that the amount of stress these little things can add up to is considerable and that investing in learning how to let them go is very worthwhile.
So I am officially working on it. Time to walk more firmly and consistently in the direction of peace.
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projects for twenty twenty-four
projects for twenty twenty-three
projects for twenty twenty-two
projects for twenty twenty-one
projects for twenty nineteen
projects for twenty eighteen
projects from twenty seventeen
monthly projects from previous years
some of my previous projects
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