Yesterday, I saw an article on a blog my husband reads. It was talking about a powerful career woman who lives around here (whom I’ve met) and she was saying how she works 9-5 and gets to pickup her kids from school everyday, etc. And the article made me incredibly mad. I know for a fact that this person has several nannies and a lot of other help. She also works a lot more than 9-5.
It wasn’t just the lying that made me mad (which, of course, is terrible on its own) but the message it was sending.
It was implying that you can be a super-successful career woman and also a great mom who’s consistently there. You can have it all and do it all.
Which is deeply, profoundly untrue.
It’s not just untrue but it’s damaging to those of us who are trying so hard to keep up with things and not drop all the balls in the air. To look at her and have her make it seem like she can just do it all and that if I can’t, there must be something wrong with me. It’s giving a false impression of what’s possible and doing my life, struggles, psyche a huge damage in the process.
I feel like we do this a lot by being inauthentic and by making it seem like things are “breezier” than they are. As it is, we already seem to have a tendency to compare the worst of ourselves to the best of others, so there’s no need to add to that by just lying (or omitting facts.) I feel like we would do everyone a LOT better service by just being honest. I feel like people who are struggling and not ashamed to say it actually get a lot more empathy, sympathy and much less judgement. We all feel inadequate here. All of us. Some of us hide it better. Some of us aren’t even willing to admit it to ourselves yet. But we all just feel “less than” in some areas of our lives. And the first step to healing that, in my opinion, is just saying it. So that others know it, too. So that others feel it’s ok to be courageous and share their truth, too.
To me, misrepresenting the truth in this way is no different than photoshopping a model’s body. It’s distortion of facts. It’s covering up what’s real.
What’s the point?
Ok, I understand. The point is that *you* look good. This person looks like a superstar. She’s amazing. She can do it all. She’s supermom and super career woman. So let’s all give her a pat in the back. And then what?
The cost to her ten minutes of feeling good about herself is that tons of other women who are now trying to juggle work and home feel terrible. The cost is that the issues for women who are trying to make it work are not acknowledged now and will never be discussed or resolved. Cause clearly if she can do it, it can be done, right? It must be a problem with me, not with the situation. Now there’s a public article/example that shows someone who can juggle it all perfectly.
It makes her look unrealistically successful at doing it all. It makes me look and feel terrible for not being able to do the same. It makes the hardships of trying to balance home and work seem nonexistent or devalued. And now the important discussions that could happen to resolve real issues will never happen. Cause clearly there are tangible examples of those who can make it all work. So we don’t need to talk about it cause there’s nothing to talk about. And not talking only leads to more damage. Like photoshopped images and eating disorders.
All so she can look good for an article.
This is not just a case of covering up a few truths so you look better than you are. This is something that’s going to cause tangible damage in the worlds of many other women.
And it makes me mad.
I haven’t been updating my left-side column with my daily gratitudes since the work craziness. David’s still writing his in his notebook and I am planning to put them back here starting this week. In honor of all the missed days, I thought it would be a good idea to make a gratitude list. Many studies show that happy and wholehearted people have a regular gratitude practice.
So let’s give this a shot. I am going to try to be very specific, I hope you can join me and leave your list in the comments. It would make my day, even if it’s just one item.
Things I am grateful for right now:
- Nathaniel’s laughter and how he says “byeeee” to his classmates when I go to pick him up from school.
- David’s little front tooth that’s still hanging in there despite the non-baby ones that are already broken through.
- The fact that the date for our trip to Turkey is approaching and will be here soon.
- Jake’s deep affection towards me and how very loved he makes me feel.
- Jake’s hugs. (they’ve been my favorite for almost twenty years.)
- That the sun is out and the kids can play in the backyard now.
- All the sketches I’ve made this year.
- A wonderful package of templates that came to me in the mail. (Thank you Jaime.)
- Startbucks lattes and raspberry chocolate cake pops.
- That I am still running 2.6 miles despite lack of desire. That I have exercised every single day since October 2, 2010.
- For both my book clubs.
- A few new friends.
- Friday morning coffee dates with friends.
- That Nathaniel and David both give me kisses and hugs whenever I ask for them.
- My watercolor pencils. I love them so much.
- Learning new things at work.
- Getting stronger thanks to regular strength exercises.
- Finally catching up on some of the videos from the classes I was taking online.
- Getting to watch some TV.
- Scrapbooking. Even though I whine as I do it, I love telling our stories.
- That the days are getting longer and it’s not pitch black when I wake up.
- That summer is coming soon and I won’t be setting the alarm.
- For awesome stash of books that are waiting to be read. Quick ones and ones to savor.
- Date nights with David — a new tradition.
- My friend Caroline and chatting with her online.
- A warm tea and some blankets when I feel like snuggling up.
- Yogurt with granola and fruit.
- And, of course, my health, my family’s health. And all the millions of little and big things we have that make our day to day life so much more joyous.
So what’s on your list right now?
I will admit that I am still not feeling 100%.
There are moments when I feel great and motivated and deeply peaceful. But, then, a small thing can totally put me into a tailspin and next thing I know I am back in that black place. Mentally, I know that things are great. My life is quite phenomenal actually and I am truly, deeply lucky. I am working hard not to lose sight of that and not to take it for granted.
But the hard moments still seem to come.
A friend at work told me today: “You need to be less hard on yourself. You’d be more effective if you were slightly more confident. You’re clearly bright enough to do what you need to do but you seem to get stuck mostly when you’re worried.” And it’s true. I do. I am really hard on myself. And not just at work. I am hard on myself as a mom, an artist, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a woman, and all the other ways in which I might identify myself. There’s a big part of me that just doesn’t want to disappoint anyone. I want to be what everyone else wants me to be. The perfect version of me that is/does exactly what they want/need.
And, of course, that’s impossible.
Because, the thing is, I am not that perfect ideal they want. I am just me. This person is all I can be. This person is all I am.
And, sometimes, that drives me absolutely insane.
On the good days, I can see so much of what I bring to the world. All the good. All the wisdom, caring, love, and kindness. I know that there’s a lot I bring to the table. I know that there are many people whose lives I have affected in a positive way. I know that I contribute to the world.
But then there are those harder days when all I see are my shortcomings. It can start with some tiny, offhanded comment that wasn’t even intended to upset me. But it will bring out some deep-rooted idea I have and spin me into some kind of shameful place. After that, there’s no stopping that train. I dig deeper and find the laundry list of inadequacies that I keep safely tucked away to pull out on these occasions. Once I have my list out, there’s no end. I am lost into the darkness and there’s pretty much nothing anyone can say to bring me back to my senses.
Even though I know that I am only capable of being who I am, it doesn’t stop me from wanting to be what I think others want me to be. I am excellent at reading into people’s words. I am fabulous at looking for what’s wrong. At reprimanding myself. At creating criticism and negativity where there is none. Some part of me must think that if I bash myself harder than others, they can’t hurt me cause I know how to hurt myself and I do it first so they can’t get a chance to do it.
All of which, clearly, doesn’t serve me.
So I’ve decided it’s time to go back to the basics. I am going to spend some quality time journaling and getting a lot of toxic thoughts out of the way. What doesn’t serve me needs to leave. Especially when it’s stories I make up. I need to find a way to purge and I think journaling is a good start.
Then I’m going to go out and take a walk. A ten-minute walk can do wonders for the psyche. And it won’t hurt my health-goals either so it’s doubly good for me.
And, finally, I’m planning on doing some journaling and some art on the healing side. Some solid reminders to myself on what I do bring to the world. How lucky I am to have people I love so much who also love me. Make a gratitude list. Make a “things I do well” list. Decorate my corkboard (which sits in front of my table) with photos of people and things in my life that bring me joy. Change the background of my computer in the same manner. And I am going to schedule artists dates, coffee with friends, date nights and time with my kids. All of which make me peaceful and happy.
Let’s see how it works.
We’re trying to train my little boy to use the bathroom. The school he’s going to attend next year requires it and he’s just not into it. Actually that would be an understatement. He clearly doesn’t like it. And in case I’m still not sure, he says:
“NO LIKE IT!”
and he will continue to say it until I give up. Bribery is not working. Nor is yelling or pleading or everything in between.
But I am trying not to be too worried about it. I know he’ll eventually get it. He’ll grow up, he’ll do his business in the bathroom, he’ll stop wearing diapers at some point. What I don’t want him to stop doing is speaking up for himself.
As he approaches the wonderful age of three, he’s becoming more and more vocal and more and more assertive. And while I do get tired of it sometimes, I also love that he speaks his mind. And I work hard not to shut him down.
I think somewhere along the way, we lose that voice. That ability to ask for what we want. Or say what we don’t. Maybe cause we believe we don’t deserve it. Or cause we heard “no” too many times. I am not sure what it is that kills it, but I hope hope hope that it doesn’t happen for my kids.
I can already see David doing it a bit. I can see the refrain. He knows he’ll get a refusal so he doesn’t even ask. (To be fair, it’s often for things like playing video games, skipping vegetables, or having more time to stay up, but still.) I try to explain to him that I will never be mad at him for asking. He just needs to be okay with getting a “no” if it’s not ok. But if he doesn’t ask, it’s as if the answer is always no anyway.
Years ago, I took a course and one of the things they taught was to “ask for what you want and take what you get.” I love that idea. It means I am asking for what I want but I am also not attached to the outcome. All I can do is ask. I don’t control the answer. Often times we ask in order to manipulate. We only ask if we know we’ll get a yes. And so, if we do get a “no” we get extra upset. Which is not fair to the other person either.
If you want to be able to ask more, you also need to be ok with getting “no” more often. So I think it’s good to get in the habit of being able to ask for what you want and then taking what you get. And I want both my kids to grow up learning to do that again and again.
Like everything else, I think it takes practice.
And I plan to practice along with them.
I was rereading Brené Brown’s book, The Gifts of Imperfection, this weekend. (We picked it for one of my book clubs and I’d read it when it just came out, so I wanted to have it fresh on my mind.)
One of my goals for 2012 is to be more mindful. I believe that this means different things for different people. As I was reading the book, there’s a section where Brené mentions Kristin Neff, another author I read and love. And she shares Kristin’s definition of mindfulness:
Taking a balanced approach to negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. We cannot ignore our pain and feel compassion for it at the same time. Mindfulness requires that we not “over-identify” with thoughts and feelings, so that we are caught up and swept away by negativity.
When I look at this definition, the part that jumps out at me is the “over-identify” part. I don’t tend to suppress feelings. At least not for too long. But I am exceptionally good at blowing them out of proportion. I definitely tend to get caught up and swept away by negativity.
Not only that, but I often feel like what makes me “worthy” is my usefulness. So when I mess up, I lose my entire sense of worth. I get into this place where I am beating myself up worse than anyone else and I spiral. And of course, that means I lose all sense of perspective and I can no longer see the truth.
When your vision is that skewed, it’s not possible to make decisions. It’s not possible to heal. It’s not even possible to function productively. Which, of course, makes me less useful. And then you know the rest of the cycle.
I’m learning more and more that mindfulness is about paying attention. Real close attention. To what is. And being able to separate the facts from perception. From the way we like to distort things. Good or bad. It’s about staying present and being aware.
Like the description implies, paying attention means you can’t ignore it. But that you also can’t exaggerate it, make it more than what is. Both of these are a way to separate what is from what we make it out to be. Avoiding the problem certainly won’t make it go away.
But neither will overdoing it. If I let myself over-identify and get into the hole of negativity, I just end up wallowing in self-pity and not actually being mindful of what’s going on inside. I’m not mindful of the real emotions these events bring up in me. The ways in which I react to messing up or feeling responsible.
I’ve been noticing lately, for example, that when there’s a problem to solve or a deadline to meet, I have a constant sense of something hanging over my head. Like I can’t breathe easy until the task is complete. The degree might vary depending on the source of the issue (like maybe I worry more for work than a scrappy assignment) but it seems to always be there. Even for my personal daily tasks. With each checkmark in my notebook, I feel a bigger sense of relief.
Which is a bit ridiculous of course. I have a job, husband, kids, and home. And personal commitments. And scrappy commitments. Things will come up. I always have something due. And if having something come up or having something due is going to put me on edge….well I better learn to just live there.
Alas. It’s not so comfortable there.
This is another form of exaggerating. I make the issues and deadlines out to be much bigger than they are so then they weigh on my mind. So now, I am trying to be more mindful. I try to examine issues that come up and see if they really are urgent. If so, it’s ok to change the schedule around and take care of things (like I had to for work today). And if not, they go on the schedule. For later. In plenty of time to meet the deadline, but not “drop everything and do it today” and not “run around like a chicken without a head till it’s done.”
I don’t know if it will work. And I don’t know if next time I mess up, I won’t over-identify. I’m working on separating my worthiness from my usefulness. And I know it’s going to take a bunch of time to undo years of believing a certain way.
But the first step is awareness, right?
It always comes back to that. Paying attention. Taking Note.
And trying to do a bit better each time.
Now that I am healing a little more each day (not that I want to jinx it), I wanted to share a little bit about what I did with my schedule when things got a bit crazy and how I am recovering.
I’ve written about my notebooks and my schedule before and while both of them get tweaked and updated regularly, I still stick to most of what’s outlined there. I still use my notebooks and have daily, weekly, monthly plans that I follow regularly.
Before the chaos at work began, I was doing these:
- daily exercise (2.5 miles a day for March)
- daily journaling
- daily sketching
- daily reading to David
- daily art/craft blogging
- 5days/week strength exercises
- 5days/week 5-minute meditation
- 5days/week thoughts blogging
- 2 art journal pages a week
- 1 collage page a week
- weekly savor project
- weekly family shots
- week-long photos of my kids and then weekend blog update with all of them
- monthly assignments for OLW and MMEW
- plus reading, scrappy assignments, manufacturer blog posts, etc.
I know this looks like a lot but I was able to manage it relatively well on my regular schedule. Each of these tasks takes a small amount of time and you can see on my schedule that I work on them early morning and late nights. And then catch up on the weekends.
But then I got the problem at work and started working pretty much around the clock. At first, I was still at home and tried to continue doing some of these (like sketching and strength exercises) but then things got harder. I started going in to work and coming home late enough to go right to sleep so I could wake up, make the lunches, get the kids off to school and go back into work. And I didn’t sleep or eat much during that time. So I made an executive decision to stop doing everything on my list except a few. Here are the exceptions and why I chose them:
I continued to run each morning. That’s my non-negotiable and I haven’t gone a day without it since October 2, 2010 and pretty much nothing is going to stand in my way. After about a week, I was feeling really weak and I was having a really hard time running the whole distance. At first, I lowered it to 2 miles but another week in, I decided I would run one mile each morning. This meant my exercise was done in 10 minutes and I had no excuse not to do it and I could still keep up the habit of doing it daily. Once I started working at home again, I went back up to 2.5 miles and now that we’re in April, I’m running 2.6 miles every morning.
We still took weekly family photos. Those photos make me happy and it’s one of the few things I couldn’t make up for later. Time passes and I wanted to make sure I got the photos. We generally do these on Friday afternoon but for the weeks where I was at work, we did them Saturday morning and I am very grateful I didn’t skip this tradition. I also did the weekend updates on the blog because I have family who comes to look at them and I didn’t want to have to miss it and then have to make up for it by going through 3-weeks’ worth of photos.
I also continued The Savor Project. I took it super-simple but I still did it. This is the kind of project that builds on itself and I didn’t want to skip if I didn’t have to. Since Jake and I were still taking photos, I had stories to tell. I just picked my stories, printed the photos and kept things really simple. I spent about 1-2 hours on the weekend on this project.
One of the things I gave up really reluctantly was sketching. I have come to truly cherish my sketching time and hadn’t missed a day since January 2 so I felt bad but once I was going in to work, I knew it had to go. But I did continue doing them during the weekend and whenever else I could. As soon as I was back at home, I picked it right back up. I really enjoy this project so much.
I continued the art/craft posts in the blog because most of them were already scheduled and I just had to add a few that I was already doing. It also meant that there were things to read each day for the people who’ve been kind enough to visit me regularly. I did give up the thoughts posts just cause I didn’t want to wing them and they take time to put together. Time I didn’t have.
Everything else was put on hold.
I don’t remember if I did any art during this time (besides the occasional sketching) but certainly nothing noteworthy. I stopped doing the strength exercises, meditation, journaling, reading to david, and all other odds and ends I spent my free time on. I didn’t surf at all. I replied to almost no emails and no comments. I canceled all appointments that were on my calendar. Whenever I did choose to take some downtime, I snuggled with family or read a book.
So there you go. I thought it might help to explain some of my thinking so that you can see examples of how to adjust your own schedule as a specific deadline puts pressure on your time. I basically held on to three categories of items: nonnegotiable, overwhelming joy and compounding.
Looking back, I think it would have been good to take the time to journal or meditate (or both) but I didn’t feel capable of either at the time. In fact, it took me another week after I was home to begin journaling again.
Once I was home, I still took it a bit easy. I gave myself three days to continue on the lighter schedule and then slowly added things back in. At this point, I am almost back to my full, regular schedule. Some days are still a struggle but I am much more forgiving on myself than I was before.
I hope this helps for any of you live relatively structured like I do and who struggle with occasional time crunches.
I also have two more notes:
1. Thank you so much for all your kind words over the last few weeks. I am touched beyond words. I appreciate every single word, advice, hug, sentiment more than you will ever know. Thank you for continuing to come visit and still leave comments. I promise I will start responding again and if you’ve left me a comment with a question that went unanswered, please please ask again so I can see it and reply.
2. I am putting together a little FAQ on sketching and one on art journaling. Do you have any questions you’d like me to answer?
This weekend I happened upon this old post and stopped to read all the things I’d promised to myself.
Even though I am definitely working on healing, I’ve still been having a real tough time recovering. So, looking at the list, these words struck me:
I will turn to good things when difficult things happen: Good things are there all the time. So many of them. Good things happen. Bad things happen. Neither lasts. Life is moving all the time. I will always choose to focus on the good. I will seek it and find it. I will.
I will forgive myself, no matter what: Yes. I am human. I mess up. I deserve to be forgiven. I will forgive fully. Fully.
I choose what is: Because it is what it is. I will choose it. It will empower me.
Here’s the thing: it’s easy to stick to all these promises, to be happy and to savor and to have a positive perspective when life is good. It’s easy to say I will forgive myself when I don’t have anything to forgive myself for. It’s during these tough times that all this gets put to the test. It’s during those times that I have to rise up to the challenge of keeping these promises.
But, yet, I’ve been having a hard time doing so. Having a hard time letting things go. Paying attention to the good and not letting the bad cast a shadow on my wonderful life.
And so I came back to these and read them again and again and again until they sunk in. I went through my lists here and picked a bunch of the good items. I put on some loud music. I kissed my kids. I took a walk with my family. I did art. And I worked. I got stuff done. I am trying to move forward. To go back to the promises I made myself. I still believe in every one of these promises. I want to go where the peace is.
I want to turn to good things. I want to pay extra attention to the good. There’s so much good in my life. My husband has been an angel through all this. I cannot even express the words of gratitude I feel for him. I didn’t think I could love him more but I was wrong. I love him so much more and feel so grateful that it hurts.
And I owe it to him and to my kids and to my good life to pay attention. It is times like this that test my resolve. That really show me whether I can do it. And I want to prove to myself that I can. If it means I have to listen to loud music nonstop for a while, so be it!
As I was pondering all this last weekend, I was visiting one of my favorite art journalers, iHanna, and it was as if she was thinking of me when she shared this quote:
“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
Yes.
Here’s to hoping I can truly be done with each day and can keep my promises and rise to meet my wonderful life.
I think it’s fair to say that I am not a neat person.
(If my dad were here, he’d laugh at the understatement.)
Most of the time, this doesn’t bother me. I can go about my life and not have everything be super organized. I have my way of doing things and it works for me. For example, I am super-messy while I create but I always clean up between projects. I can’t start something new if my desk is a mess. I tend to let the dishes pile for a day but will almost always put them in the machine before I go to bed. And while the piles on the tables do sometimes bother me, they don’t upset me enough to actually use my time to clean up.
However.
I’ve noticed lately that there are a few exceptions. I have this teetering pile on my work desk and each time I touch it, I feel frustrated that it’s such a mess. I always tell myself I need to rearrange it and get a system, but I never do. And since it’s a pile right next to me while I work, I use and see it often and feel bad about myself and my lack of organization several times a day.
Same thing goes with laundry. When there’s a pile of unfolded laundry sits in my room (which happens often with 2 kids under 7) each time I walk by it, I feel an overwhelming sense of defeat. And since this laundry is in my room, I see it several times a day. Especially, at night right before I go to bed, I look at it and feel sad that another day passed without my folding it.
As I pay attention to these little things that lower my spirit often, I’m learning that resolving them takes less time and energy then postponing them. When I do sit down and fold the laundry, it takes about 15-20 minutes and I am done. I feel uplifted and competent. There aren’t that many things that can give me a sense of accomplishment that quickly.
The best part isn’t even the sense of accomplishment. It’s getting rid of that “ugh I can’t believe I’m such a loser” feeling these little things give me throughout the day. Things that take away at my spirit little by little. Getting rid of these comes with a huge reward.
So I’ve decided to pay close attention to each little thing that makes me feel defeated next week. I will write it all down. And then I will go through my list and try to either them eliminate permanently or create a mini-routine around them to ensure they don’t get to the state where they bug me.
Let’s see if it works.
If you have things that get to you in your day, maybe you can do this exercise along with me.
I often see blog posts about how to achieve your dreams. How to do what you love for a living. How to build your life around what you love to do. Etc, etc. When I see these posts, I think about several things simultaneously:
- I’m so glad for this person who’s able to live so wholeheartedly and align his vocation with his passion.
- I wish she or he talked about all the things you have to give up or compromise on in the process. Because these things are never so simple and people have to make choices along the way. Choices that not everyone might be willing to make. But when these things are not highlighted, it makes the process seem simpler. Big decisions, even in the direction of your dreams, are never simple.
- What if I choose to fully embrace my dreams and then, after a lot of time and investment, find out they weren’t my dreams after all? They never seem to talk about that.
The thing is, I don’t know what my dreams are. At different points in my life, I had different dreams. And some were big and some were small. Over the course of my life, I’ve tried to align things as much as I can.
Here’s what I do know: you do not have to wait to start living a part of your dreams.
Many people I know are desperately waiting for the right time. Waiting for the kids to be older, waiting to have more money, more time, more self-esteem, more support, more whatever.
But I am very much against the all-or-nothing approach. I feel like the right way to start a new endeavor is to take a few steps first. Get your toes wet. See if you like it. I understand that this won’t work with all situations but it works more often than not.
For example, if you think you want to sell art, try making a lot more art and even having friends commission a few pieces (not for money). See if you like making art on demand. See if you can meet the deadlines. See if the joy starts dissipating after a while (when it’s work and not just fun) or if you still love every bit of it. Then, open a small shop. Try to sell a few.
When I started my photography company back in 2005, I already had a camera so I took my husband and son out for a shoot for some samples. And then I created a tiny website with the photos to show others. I then emailed the two moms groups I was in and asked if anyone would like free shoots. (They had to pay for the pictures if they ordered any – at a discount – but the shoot would be free.) Within the hour, I had over 12 clients. Over the next few weeks, I did shoots. I met with clients. I figured out how to present the photos, how to deal with ordering, how to deal with difficult clients, copyright, etc. My clients were understanding since they were getting a huge discount so it was easier for me to try things and worry less about making mistakes.
More importantly, I didn’t buy a new, better camera. I didn’t order stationary. I didn’t pay anyone to design me a logo or a website. I just took it slow and cheap.
As time passed, word spread, and I got more clients. Ones who paid for the shoot and the photos. I learned what kind of shoots I like. What kind of clients I prefer. How I work best. What I like and dislike about this particular career path. This allowed me to enjoy it more and, in return, do a better job.
Life is not all or nothing, if you ask me. You can always be doing something to walk in the direction of your dreams: learning new skills, practicing regularly, connecting with others, etc.
Instead of dumping all you have and embracing a new life or doing absolutely nothing and being sad, you can choose to just walk slowly in the direction of your dreams. Try things out. See if you do indeed like it. You can take tiny steps first and as you have more time/money/dedication take bigger ones.
You’d be surprised how much progress you can make with tiny steps.
If you’ve been reading here with any regularity you know that I don’t like to talk about work here. You also know that I’ve had a high-urgency work problem that stopped me from being able to write down thoughts here for two weeks. While things are shifting and possibly calming down a bit, I am not ready to talk about anything just yet. And I might not ever want to.
While I’m generally a firm believer of talking things out and getting them out of my system, I’ve sort of been trying to do the opposite in this case. Ok, maybe not exactly the opposite…
Here’s the deal: in the last few weeks I’ve experienced a lot of negative emotions. Shame, fear, frustration, sorrow, exhaustion, embarrassment, resentment, and just plain old helplessness. I slept fitfully and ate very little and not well. I abandoned most of my routine and saw very little of my kids.
By the end of the two weeks, I was pretty much a wreck. A bitter, frustrated, spent wreck.
I found myself unable to let go of a lot of the anger and resentment. Part of me kept remembering that shame couldn’t live in public and I had to share. But I already had told a few close friends about the events and I really didn’t need to talk about it anymore. I felt like I was holding on to the feelings for no good reason. I was letting the anger and resentment envelop me.
So, at some point today, I just decided to let it go.
I decided that holding on to all that was hurting me more than anyone else. It was hurting the people I love. And it wasn’t really doing anything to those who upset me to begin with. So it just felt like by letting it go, I could immediately make my day better.
Don’t get me wrong. I will still need time to heal. To catch up on sleep, life, and get my soul shining again. And after the two weeks I’ve had, it might take a long time to get there.
But the first step is letting go. And forgiving. Forgiving myself. Forgiving those who hurt me. Giving people the benefit of the doubt. Letting go of the hurt. People will hurt you. Most of them don’t matter. It’s only worth healing the hurt between those whom you love and you. The others are just not worth your time and energy. And I decided that by holding on to the hurt, I was giving others more power than they deserved. So much of life is about letting go of what doesn’t serve me. It feel like I have to learn this lesson again and again.
So, today, I started the process of letting go. Forgiving.
And now comes the long process of healing.
This morning started out lovely enough. David had a few hiccups but we resolved them with kindness and patience. And then the rest of the morning was nice as we ate breakfast together, read our book (we’re reading The Borrowers) and then they played together as I journaled a bit.
But then things got ugly.
As it got time to leave, I asked David to get ready and he started getting snappy. He talked back to me in a tone that’s unacceptable, to me. Even worse, it’s the kind of tone that transforms me from kind, gentle mommy to mean, hurtful mommy. I literally lose my mind.
So as we got ready for the car, I was very upset. The first thing I told him was a list of privileges he would lose for his attitude and then I just kept going and going the whole way to school. Out came the laundry list of things. I couldn’t stop the verbal diarrhea. I said things I am not proud of and things I am not sure he understood. I felt a strong need for him to “get it.” I wanted him to understand that the tone of voice was disrespectful and I wanted him to understand that we make right choices because they’re the “right” choices not because we don’t want to get caught.
I told him he needed to do be able to do what’s right because it’s the moral thing to do.
I couldn’t shake the feeling that he wasn’t getting it. I could tell he felt sorry but I just really needed him to understand so we wouldn’t have to have this conversation again.
He was crying, I was crying. It wasn’t pretty. As I dropped him off, I felt terrible that we were parting this way. I told him not to worry and that we’d work it out and that I loved him.
But the minute he was gone, I felt overcome with shame and worry.
I wanted to run right back in and tell him how much I loved him and how sorry I was for breaking his little heart. At that moment, nothing mattered except healing the hurt.
I felt so so bad all day that I journaled and then watched all of Brene Brown’s talks. (If you haven’t seen them, I cannot recommend them enough: they are truly life-altering.) And the one-line that kept sticking out to me was this:
The way blame is defined in research is a way to discharge pain and discomfort.
And, if I were being honest with myself, that’s exactly what I was trying to do: release the pain his tone gave me.
But that’s not fair.
Of course, it’s not fair. He’s seven. He didn’t need or deserve my unloading on him. He’s likely not cognitively developed enough to truly internalize half the things I was telling him and expecting of him. He’s just a kid. Not to diminish his abilities, I know he can understand that he needs to be more respectful. But he got that three minutes into our conversation. We didn’t need the other 14 minutes. I didn’t need to yell or get more upset. I didn’t need to unload on him.
Anyhow, so I bathed in shame and guilt and remorse most of the day. And it sucked.
The minute David came home from school, I sat down with him, looked him in the eye, and apologized. The first thing he said was that it was his fault. I explained that while I don’t like that he speaks to me badly and, yes, he needs to work on that, the way the morning went was my fault. I didn’t need to communicate the way in which I did and that while what he did was wrong, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with him. He’s magical and extraordinary and I will love and forgive and cherish him no matter what. I apologized and asked him to please forgive me.
And he did, of course. Because he’s kind and sweet and has a generous spirit.
His forgiveness gave me the space to forgive myself but not before I made a note to remember how it felt to live with the remorse all day. I told him that I would work hard to bring my best-self into our interactions all the time. And that I hoped he’d do the same. That I would try harder. I would try better. And then I thanked him for talking to me and for forgiving me.
And I wanted to write all this down so I could remember. I said yesterday that I believe the key to happiness (and life in general) is awareness. Writing it down helps me be more aware. Seals this moment in my brain and memory. And I am hoping this will help me remember it next time (before I start seeing black) and allow me to breathe, step back, and remind myself that this is not the person I want to be and the way in which I want to communicate.
I want to remember this remorse so I don’t have to feel it again.
Not so I can shame myself, but just so I can raise my awareness sooner next time.
Or so I hope.
Last night, in my Willpower class, we talked about the social aspects of willpower. Amongst other things, my teacher mentioned how people tend to not want to mention their big successes. We seem to feel like it’s socially not ok to do so. Which is extra bad, since sharing successes actually strengthens willpower and since willpower is contagious, it also helps others succeed, too.
So it’s really crucial to share and celebrate success.
the bigger the better.
I’ve always felt that it’s easier to find rough-day friends than good-day friends. There seem to be a lot of people who are willing to sit with you and commiserate. Or at least listen to you so they get get the details (and maybe feel a little better about their own life). And there are even some who truly, genuinely care and try to make you feel better.
but there are very few who can share the space with your huge successes and not make it about them. One person’s success tends to bring out other people’s jealousy and competitiveness. Weirdly, I’ve always felt the opposite way.
Seeing others succeed gives me hope.
Each time I see someone succeed, whether I know them personally or not, I feel like there’s a possibility for success. Not only do I feel happy for that person, but I just sort of feel more optimistic about the possibility of dreams coming true in general. Like that person’s success has injected hope into the world.
Eh, I am not able to explain it well. But I hope you understand what I mean. The thing is, if someone succeeds, they’re not taking my spot in the world. Their success doesn’t negate the possibility of my success. I believe this wholeheartedly. And on the contrary, I think seeing them achieve it somehow makes the goal more achievable to me. Like it can be done. Seeing someone do it makes it real. Takes it from the “dream” realm and puts it into the realm of “possibility.”
Oh I sure hope this makes sense.
Anyway, I feel like with the benefits to self as well as to community, we need to encourage people to share successes more often. Much more often.
In fact, I would so love it if you shared a recent (or not recent) success with me today. However big or small. I would love to hear it and celebrate your success with you.
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projects for twenty twenty-four
projects for twenty twenty-three
projects for twenty twenty-two
projects for twenty twenty-one
projects for twenty nineteen
projects for twenty eighteen
projects from twenty seventeen
monthly projects from previous years
some of my previous projects
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