I figure the last day of the year is an appropriate time to look back and reflect. And we can save the resolutions for the first day of the year.

Here’s to a year of not drinking Diet Coke. That, in itself, is a huge accomplishment for me. Just wanted to make sure that didn’t go unacknowledged.



This year, like a few before, brought many changes for me and my little family. The most substantial being the uneventful and quick birth of our little son. David has brought nothing but joy into our lives. Last year, I wrote that I couldn’t remember life before being pregnant. This year, I feel the same way about being a mother. I can’t remember what my life was like before I had a little boy to worry about. To be honest, there are moments when I miss the quiet solitude that I imagine my life to have been before we became a family of three. However those moments are always overshadowed by David’s laughter and beautiful face. Our tiny family of two became a little family of three in 2005 and that will be with us for the rest of our lives. May each of our children turn out as sweet and joyful as David.

So February brought home our little one. March and April passed like a blur as I figured out how to get David to nurse properly and how to balance my job and my new life. Spring brought new friends thanks to a mom’s group. My first group of friends in San Diego. David didn’t really like to sleep so we took a lot of walks and read. Jake started preparing the paperwork to finally open his fund. He talked to lawyers, auditors, accountants.

The second set of big changes came in August as Jake formally opened his doors and I decided to start a small business of my own. This meant much more driving for me and I was lucky that the small venture prospered very quickly. David grew up and became even more fun to be around. We all worked and worked some more. He finally figured out how to sleep through the night and forgot about it all over again when the teeth started peeking out. He looked like he was never going to crawl and just when we thought he’d walk instead, he tricked us and started crawling overnight.

As the year came to a close, Jake and I finally fell into a groove and we have figured out how to achieve some sort of balance with our new family setup. I don’t know what 2006 is going to bring us but I imagine it won’t be as substantial as 2005. Having a baby and starting two businesses is enough activity for several years if you ask me. All I want next year it for us to keep being healthy, for our businesses to be successful (especially Jake’s) and for the year to bring a lot of laughter.

So here’s to a quiet, peaceful, healthy, happy, and prosperous 2006!

I feel like most of the up and downs of my life come out of the dichotomies that I create. I talk myself into one thing and then I feel horrible about it so I do ahead and do the opposite and then feel terrible about that. I would like to be thinner and fit into such clothing but every time I go on a diet, I think about how life is short and why the fuck shouldn’t I be able to eat whatever I want. Then I get frustrated and hate life when I can’t buy the clothes I want because I ate that stupid piece of chocolate.

I want to be able to book more photo sessions and have a lot of clients but then I get sad that I am so booked that I don’t have time to do other things I love like read and relax. I want to sign up David for some of the mom and baby courses so he gets to interact with other children but then each time we go to one of those things, he cries all the way there and all the way home. Sometimes he even acts grouchy there. So then I wonder should I have stayed home with him afterall. I want to sleep more but I feel like I am wasting time. I want my work environment to be more intellectually stimulating sometimes but then I don’t want to sacrifice the other parts of my life like time with David. I want to keep writing this site every single day. I think about it constantly. I want to keep up on my email and take the time to keep in touch with my friends. But I don’t want to give up any of the other things that take up all my life and time.



I am constantly plagued by thoughts of one of these struggles. The even more frustrating part is that I am never happy with the option I choose because each time, while I execute the one I picked, I am thinking of the other one, the consequences of the one I picked. The pants I won’t be able to wear because of the chocolate I am eating, the chocolate I don’t get to eat because I want to fit in the pants. The life I don’t get to have, the life I long for. It’s just that I partly always feel like I am missing out. Like I am cheating a part of me.

Not exactly sure how to get out of the loop. I guess the idea is to pick one and just be content with it. But I honestly don’t know how.

Monday was my birthday.



It seems there are those who make a big deal of their birthday and those who prefer to completely ignore it. I have always belonged to the former category. I come from a family which makes big deals out of birthdays and I subscribe to the idea. It’s not really because birthdays themselves are all that special. To me, it’s just an excuse to stop and appreciate that person.



Sure we should treat each other like we’re special every day, but fact is life gets in the way. Most days are ordinary and we do our thing and try to treat others with kindness (unless we’re grouchy) but the day passes on and we sit in front of our computers, read our books, watch TV and do all the other things we do to spend time. I don’t know many people who regularly take the time to acknowledge the people in their lives. Most people don’t even work too hard to keep up with their friends. So that’s the point of birthdays, for me.

It’s an excuse to remind someone how much they mean to you. A reason to stop and think of them and dedicate a few or a lot of your time that particular day to them. So even if all the other days come and go, you know that on that day you’ll feel special and talk to all the people you love and take a moment.

For those of you who whine about getting older, I’d hate to break the news to you but you get older every single day. Nothing magical happens on the eve of your birthday to make you older. So stop being whiny on the morning of your birthday about that. Life isn’t about your age, it’s about how you’ve used your days. There are people who live empty lives for 80 years and those who live full ones for only 30. Which would you rather have?

This year was particularly peaceful for me. I woke up feeling exceptionally happy for no reason. David woke up to eat at 3am but then went back down until 6:30. I worked, I prepared for my shoot on Tuesday, I cooked and pureed David’s food. We played and talked and my family called and my friends called and my friends emailed and it was wonderful. Jake bought me presents. We went to eat an early dinner with good food and delicious dessert. It was very ordinary and very magical all in one. I realized on Monday that I am truly happy. I cannot remember feeling this peaceful in years. If ever.



It really was a perfect birthday and thank you for all the good wishes. 31 is looking fantastic so far.

David turned five months old yesterday. I know it’s pathetic that I haven’t updated in nine days after saying I wanted to update more often but we’ve had a long and difficult week. Mostly cause mom has lost her mind.

Last Saturday, I was online surfing about sleeping issues and came across the Baby Whisperer book. Something rang true so I went out and bought it right away. And proceeded to implement it. For those of you who are unfamilair with it, it goes something like this: You put the baby on an EASY schedule. He eats, plays (Activity) and then sleeps so you get some You time. (Eat, Activity, Sleep, You). You feed the baby every 3 hours. (or four if he’s over four months old). Anyhow the idea is to teach the baby to self-soothe. What you do is you put him in the crib and then if he cries, you pick him up and when he calms you put him down. You do this as long as it takes.

Our first night went badly. He was up from 1-3 and then from 5-7. The book said the first night would be hard so I persevered. The second night was perfect. He slept all the way from 8 to 5am. I dream-fed him and he never woke up. I felt great! I was sure it was working. I had finally found something that worked.

Riiiiiighhhtttt.

Come day four, David won’t go to bed without crying in my arms or in his crib with me wrapped all over him. He wakes up four times a night. Sometimes for an hour, crying. At least for an hour. Today, day six, he was so bad that he would start stiffening and wailing as soon as we entered the bedroom. While Jake was putting him down and picking him up, he explained to me that this was no different from crying it out. I yelled at him and got mad but eventually admitted that he was right. As soon as I admitted it, I completely relaxed. I’d been stressing all week from hearing him cry and feeling like shit about it. Now I didn’t have to any more.

I took my son out for a walk and then at bedtime, I sat with him for thirty minutes while rubbed his belly, his head, his tummy and whatever else he needed to sleep. He fell asleep peacefully and has now been sleeping for 1.5hrs without a stir. I will NEVER do that to my kid again. If he wakes up seventeen times a night until he’s a teenager so be it. That’s what it means to have a kid, right? What’s the point in having them if I am going to complain that he’s inconvenient.


I feel much better now and I am a lot more relaxed. I love my son and I am so so lucky that he’s the smiliest and easiest boy in the world. Any other kid would have hated me for what I put him through in the last week. But my amazing son continued to smile at me and laugh when I kissed him.

Happy Five Months, David, I love you with all my heart.

So my little one is still not sleeping. I’ve read a zillion books on getting your baby to sleep and most of them claim that if he gets his naps in, he sleeps better at night. Ahem. Not. True. There are days David naps perfectly and he still wakes up every two hours. There are days he doesn’t nap much at all and he sleeps three hours or more so I’m going to say all those books are…crap!

On the good side, he’s healthy and happy as a clam. He smiles these wide, beautiful smiles that engulf you. When he’s facing my cheek, he opens his mouth wide and gives me a bite/kiss. His lips are so soft. His tiny hands rest on my chest while he eats and he holds on so tight when I’m carrying him around. He’s actually laughing at me several times a day now.

My friend Roni asked me how my life changed since I had David the other day. (I think that’s what you asked, right Roni?) Just as I was trying to figure out what to say, David decided he was hungry and I attempted to nurse him in public and when that was a disaster, I had to go home so I never answered her question.



I was telling a friend that it’s impossible to prepare for a baby. You think that nine months would be enough to expect the changes a baby will bring to your life, but it’s nothing. And I mean NOTHING compared to how much your life really changes once the baby comes. There’s no preparation. One day you’re two adults who love each other and like to spend time together, the next day you’re a family. A little baby that is constantly there, a baby not capable of eating, sleeping or changing himself. A wonderful and scary thing that will NEVER leave. Well, he will, assuming he goes to college. But it will be a long time before he does. And until then he is my responsiblity.

And it’s scary. It’s hard. It’s challenging. It’s tiring. I look at him and I wonder when I grew up to be old enough to have a baby. When did I become an adult? Am I screwing this boy up? What if I do? This little, beautiful boy who wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for me. I owe it to him to make sure his life is full of wonderful moments. Full of joy. Full of love. Compassion and kindness. Curiosity. Hugs. Love. There can never be enough love.

All the parents in my group ask where I get the energy to get through the days since I am not getting any sleep and haven’t had a full night of sleep for thirteen months. Fact is, I wake up and I see David each time. I created this little man, and if he takes years to sleep through the night, then I will wake up for years. It’s only the beginning of the things I can give him. Hugs in the middle of the night.



After all, it won’t be long before he won’t let me hug him and I cherish these moments.

So having a baby has changed my life indescribably. It’s changed it permanently. And I am thankful for it each and every day!

It’s amazing to think that David’s been a part of our family for four whole minths. Actually thirteen months if we count the time he spent in my belly. Part of me can’t believe it’s been that long and part of me doesn’t remember a time David wasn’t with us.

The changes from month three to month four have been exponential. In the last month, David’s found his hand, his feet, and his voice. He now drools like nobody’s business and he sticks everything in his mouth, including his toes. He has found a way to make a ton of different, funny sounds, some sharp and high-pitched and others gutteral and trembling. He can go between laughing and crying in less than thirty seconds. Sometimes he jumps back and forth between the two so much that you can’t tell if he’s mad, sad, or just playing.

His smiles have gotten wider and he can definitely recognize mom and dad now. His face lights up when we look at him, regardless of upset he might have been. He gives us kisses (or tries to bite our cheeks depending on your perspective) and his little hands are soft like cotton. He has learned to grab things and hold on to them, including my hair.

His favorite thing is to bounce up and down and when his daddy holds him up high. He has grown over 4 inches since he’s been born and more than doubled his weight. He is cute beyond words and can drive us insane beyond words, too. He has learned how to get a constant whine going. He has learned to get bored and begun seeking more attention. All in the last four weeks. It looks like he’s going to take after his mommy and be a big talker. He’s practicing now. Along with the loud and stinky farts.

Having a baby is challenging. It’s time consuming, it’s humbling, it’s frustrating. And it’s incredibly rewarding.

And will be more so when he sleeps…

I love you David, happy four months. To four thousand more.