In today’s art class we discussed non-representation. The teacher showed an image by Piet Mondrian of a house and a tree by the river where everything as obvious since we had clear representation. He then moved to this image where it was quite obvious that the subject was a tree. And then we had this where the subject might be more questionable and this where we can no longer even claim the painting is about a tree. But it’s interesting that starting with the first picture and having that as a reference, we kept seeing trees in all the canvases.
By the way, the woman I mentioned last week, the non self-conscious one, is a nudist. And she’s a therapist. I thought that might add a bit more color to her description.
As I sat in class, looking at the modern paintings, I kept thinking about how unappealing they were to me. I’ve always been a fan of Renaissance paintings. I love studying them and finding out about the history and the time period and why the painter thought to put that specific image. The paintings of that period are all about symbolism and if you have studied some art history, you can know the story behind each symbol. To me, that’s like sharing a secret between the painter and you. Even though, I know that everyone of that period knew the specific symbols, people who don’t study art history don’t know them and can’t look for the specific clues, like the image of Michelangelo’s face on the dead skin in The Last Judgement. To me, that’s like having a sneak peak into the painter’s mind. When I look at the modern paintings, I just don’t see that. I’m not saying that one has to, I’m just saying that I like to.
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Last week, I bought the Aeron chair. Actually, I got it as a present from my grandmother. I’ve craved having this chair for a long time and, I must say, it hasn’t disappointed me. It’s the bestest chair! Yeay!!
I spent all of last week bummed that I was leaving town cause I had so much to do. Yesterday, we drove back to New Haven after working out in the cold an entire day. We took the 11:15 train from New Haven, getting home around 2am. All of this, so I could wake up in my own house and finish the list of things I had planned for this weekend. Do you want to know what I did all day? You guessed it: nothing! I woke up all congested and dizzy. I walked from the bed to the couch and planted myself in front of the TV, actually, the TiVo. I spent the entire day watching one program after another. I did write the scene for my novel that was due tomorrow, but that’s it. Nothing more. I am such a loser! Argh! I do the same thing every week. You’d think I would have learned by now.
Thanks to my portable Panasonic player, I watched High Fidelity on the train home yesterday. I’d read the book a while ago and loved it. The movie, as usual, wasn’t as good. Even though Cusak tried hard, Hornby’s cynicism just can’t come across on the movie screen as it did on the pages.
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I spent a large portion of the last two days in a car. Since I don’t drive, I did the passenger seat thing, which I must say is not much more fun than driving. When you drive, at least you are doing something. I always have these plans to do a lot of writing and reading that, somehow, never get done. If I were driving, I at least I would never hope to get other things done.
Anyhow, we drove from New York to Boston for the annual Serve-A-Thon. Since Jake was a City Year Corps member in 1992, he and his family do the Serve-A-Thon every year. If you’re from New York, it’s similar to the New York Cares Day. I really enjoy the day-long community service sessions cause everyone is so hyped up and you meet all sorts of interesting people. The best news I heard today as that City Year is planning to come to New York. I’ve been wanting to volunteer for them for a long time and now it looks like I might get the opportunity. Yeaay!
After cleaning the park and raking leaves all day, we drove to New Haven where Jake’s brother goes to college. His roommates and he are throwing a Halloween party. I didn’t even go to parties much when I was in college so it’s funny that I should choose to attend one four years after I graduated. We’ll see how this turns out.
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Another terribly long day. Life has been terrbily busy in the last few days. I am trying to wrap my arms around things but somehow I’m falling slighly short on energy. Today’s best advice comes from one of my teachers. She said, “…but forget about having someone else tell you if what you’re doing is worthwhile: that’s your business alone!”
Well said, and how true. If only I knew of a way to make my mind and heart listen.
Sorry about the lack of long posts and passages, they will be back real soon, I promise.
I wasn’t going to make an entry today. I came home late from work and I feel drained. I wanted to drain my brain with a few hours of TiVo and go to sleep, to repeat the pattern tomorrow. Until I read the page of a friend. A cyber friend, I guess since I never met him. I’m not even sure it’d be fair to say he’s a friend since we haven’t exchanged years of communication or emails on a deep emotional level. But I would say friend, cause he’s treated me like one. He’s been kind, genuine, respectful and very kind. What else do I need from a friend?
Well, this friend, whom I almost met, lived a tragedy today. His life changed in an irreversible way. Even though he was expecting it for some time, I can’t imagine one can ever really expect a death. I’m sitting here and wishing I had the right words to make him feel better and crying for him. Good people deserve good lives. Everyone deserves a good life. But when you feel that someone is so nice and seems to take the effort to be kind to everyone, you feel extra sorry when bad things happen to this person. At least, I do. I’m sitting here, alone, and crying cause there is nothing I can do. Cause somehow I can feel pain from someone’s words. Even if I’ve never ever met him.
For the second time this month, this is happening to me. I don’t ever want to hear people tell me that the people I meet online aren’t real friends, again. If they aren’t why am I shedding my tears?
Today is the two-week anniversary of my Lasik surgery. I still haven’t really registered it all. I can see but I constantly think that I’m wearing contacts. I’m anxiously waiting for the moment it will all hit me.
Today’s word is obsession. Good word in my household. Both of us get totally obsessed about things. The funny thing is that the subject matter isn’t all that relevant. Only the strong obsession with which I throw myself at it. When I started writing a book, I obsessed about learning all the details of grammar (not that you can tell from my log). For some Godforsaken reason I decided to keep a blog and got totally obsessed with all the other ones. I spent hours of my day reading everyone’s words. I even wrote emails to some of these people. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, it’s just that, for a while, it consumed me. I kept trying to think of ways to change my blog so I’d have more visitors. I checked my referrer logs every second. I’m trying to get across the difference between liking something and totally obsessing about it.
For better or worse, I seem to be over that one. I now read a few logs whenever I feel like it and if people don’t want to visit my page. So be it. I can’t force them. However, if you have been reading my page and do like it, it might be nice of you to make contact. Make me feel like less of a loser and all. Heh Heh.
There are good obsessions, too. For example, my two good obsessions are reading and learning. I can never have enough of either. But I guess the word obsession has bad connotations doesn’t it?
When I tell people of the obsessions I have, and in most cases the sorrow they cause me, (like how I am not worthy) they tell me to stop thinking that way and to appreciate all the great things in my life. The thing is, if I could do that I wouldn’t be obsessing!
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Today’s thoughts are revolving around two words. Both of which contain the word ‘self’.
First, self-consciousness. There is a lady in my art class who doesn’t seem to have any of it. She speaks her mind loudly and most opinionatedly all the time. When a slide is shown, she’ll say ‘it sucks’ even if the work is displayed in one of the local museums. It’s not that she’s standing up for herself, she’s actually being obnoxious and calling other people’s opinions wrong, etc. But the interesting thing is that the entire class is aware of this. We all look at each other each time she speaks in such a manner. It’s so obvious to everyone that she’s being rude that I always wonder why it isn’t to her. Can she really not tell? Is it that she doesn’t care? Or that she’s totally unaware? As I live my life on this side of dangerously aware, I often find myself wondering about people who have overcome the trap of self-consciousness.
Now onto the second word. Self-confidence. As someone who seems to have a collection of achievements and a total lack of self-confidence, I am interested in what makes people so self-secure. I certainly didn’t lack any love, on the contrary, my family made me feel appreciated and loved at all times. They’ve told me repeatedly how proud of me they feel. Same for friends. I have a loving boyfriend with whom I’ve spent the last six years of my life and real dependable friends. What is the answer? What is it that I seem to be missing? The one thing that will make everything click and have me feel better about myself. How do some people turn out confident while others, like me, worry about every little thing? Is everyone secretly self-conscious?
Sorry about all this self-pity. I guess thinking about my novel makes me ponder a lot about humankind and what makes it tick.
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Another beautiful day. I just wish the nice weather would never go away.
I’m still somewhat jetlagged and it’s been a week since I came back. I spent most of today thinking about my new novel. The characters seem to have invaded my mind and will not leave me alone. I haven’t written more than 3000 words on this novel and I haven’t even plotted it yet, but the characters are set. At least the main two are. I’m hoping they will tell me the plot soon. Or I’m screwed.
My Christmas wish is a dog. A puppy. A Dalmatian. I know it means a lot of responsibility and giving up most of my freedom, but I want it. I think we’d love each other tremendously and it might help the maternal instincts I seem to be overflowing with lately.
Watching the world series? I have to since I am a New Yorker. I want the Mets to win. Mostly cause the Yankees have already won so many lately and cause the Yankees have so many fans already. We watched the game for so many hours last night and the Mets were winning when we turned out the lights. This morning, I was really sad to find out the Yankees won game one. Here’s to wishing better for tonight’s game. The thing about baseball is that it can go on forever. Literally. Last night’s game was five hours. Ugh.
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I love beautiful days like these, a perfect fall day. Sunny and warm but not hot and humid. I’m so glad that Jake made me go to Central Park. Just sitting there and reading the New York Times calmed me and made me feel happie to be alive. So much pleasure from such a small thing.
I also spent some of today scanning pictures of my awesome nephews. Are these not the cutest kids you’ve ever seen? Well, I might be partial but they make my heart do cartwheels.
Lately, I’ve been pondering how different my life might have been had I been born in the United States. Besides the small differences, I wonder if the major parts of my life would have been the same. Since no one in my family or surroundings was an avid reader, would I have been a book lover even if I were American? Would I still have learned as many languages? Would I have still chosen to major in computers? Or would I have wanted to be an artist or a writer? Being a writer was not a realistic possibility for me in Turkey. It’s not that we don’t have writers, it’s just that, in my limited surroundings, that would not have been an option. I have a feeling I would have been much more involved in environmental causes and community service. I might have been a vegetarian. It comes down to how much your genes affect you versus your environment. I wonder what about me would have been exactly the same (besides the physical appearance, of course). I will never have the answers but I still can’t help wondering.
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We just came back from Pay It Forward. I’d been looking forward to the movie ever since I read the book and even though they changed a million facts (for example the teacher is an African American in the book and he only has one eye) it was still the best movie I saw this year. Helen Hunt did an amazing job, as well as Haley Joel Osment and, of course, Kevin Spacey. As with all movies, I cried.
The premise of the movie is so pure and well intentioned that you can’t help but feel as you watch it. And it comes back to the good old question of Can You Save The World? The very idea of the answer being no makes me terribly unhappy. You can’t give up. You really can’t. If everyone stopped trying how would the world ever improve? Sorry to preach and meddle. Who am I to tell you what to do? But the thought of people not caring makes me so very miserable that I cannot not say a thing. Please try to think back to the thing that made you jaded and get rid of it. You really can make a difference. On so many levels. If we lose hope, what do we have left?
Sorry, a little too carried away by the movie and the realm of possibilities. I think I’d better go to sleep.
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Many thoughts today.
I don’t really hang out with Turkish people in the States. I have a few friends from home who live in New York but we see each other once every few months. My boyfriend is American and so are most of my close friends. Or they are Russian, Irish, Brazilian… anything but Turkish. This is not on purpose, but it is a fact. I also read almost exclusively in English. In the last ten years, I’ve read one Turkish book. The funny thing is right after I come back from a visit home, I’m totally immersed into Turkish culture. I’m reading a Turkish book and have been constantly listening to an amazing song by Teoman called Paramparca which translates to ‘in pieces’. Here’s the mp3 if you wanna listen. Even my mother adores this song.
Yesterday I happened to watch CBS’s early show and they had the author of My War : A Love Story in Letters and Drawings from World War II. Mr. Sugarman had just gotten married when he was drafted and his wife gave him a set of watercolors and told him to paint for her. This book is a collection of those paintings and the love letters he wrote to her. I saw some of the pictures and heard an excerpt from the letters and they sound amazing. Even though I’m not usually a fan of war books, I am definitely getting this one.
The same show had a segment on bullying which is a real problem that doesn’t get enough attention. The show talked about a new hotline for the issue. I’m glad someone’s doing something about it.
I feel grateful that I’m not in the selling business. Either a product or a service. I believe selling well requires two strengths that I don’t possess. One, self-confidence and two, ability to suck up well. I’m more on the paranoid side and tend to not think so highly of myself and I can’t suck up to save my life. I would be a surefire failure in the selling business.
October is breast cancer awareness month. Be aware and make others aware.
It’s really amazing how worked up I can get about the debates especially considering that I am not American and I cannot vote. I’m really enraged by some people’s lack of attention and their apathy. You need to care. If you lose hope, what do you have left? Also, I really can’t understand how people can vote for someone who is so obviously a total moron, but we won’t get into that.
Told you I had a lot to say today…
Oh and I must mention the subway series. I hope the Mets win only cause the Yankees already have won so many in a row. It’d be neat to see the Mets in the spotlight for a change.
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At the NYSD I work in the Job Placement area and two weeks ago, I sent a buncha resumes out for office help positions that I found on the Job Bank site. The neat thing is that someone from one of those companies got back to us. He said that he never considered hiring a deaf person but when he got the letter from us, he figured why not. That made me feel magnificent. All you can ask from people, in my opinion, is a ‘Why not?’ That’s the sign of open-mindedness. The willingness to give it a shot is all you need to start. If the door is cracked open even slightly, it means there is a chance you can get in. Most people not only shut it but they lock it to ensure all the ‘different’ people stay away. I’m all for ‘Why Not?’ If I could get everyone to a ‘Why Not?’ I’d be thrilled.
I spent several hours reading the Economist’s election edition. They had information on the different platforms of the two candidates. I think it’s very important that people realize that there are very specific differences in the platforms of the two candidates. Cause both of them are trying so hard not to fuck up so close to the election, it seems that they are agreeing on everything, but trust me, they are not. I think this is a really important election, especially since they are so neck and neck. Each vote will count in this election. Well, unless you live in New York. Or in any of the other, ‘decided’, states.
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projects for twenty twenty-five
projects for twenty twenty-four
projects for twenty twenty-three
projects for twenty twenty-two
projects for twenty twenty-one
projects for twenty nineteen
projects for twenty eighteen
projects from twenty seventeen
monthly projects from previous years
some of my previous projects
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