A Day Without Weblogs

Due to World Aids Day, yesterday, karenika was honored to observe a day without weblogs.

Still Sick

Goody Links
Two weird links today, both from the pages of MetaFilter.

The first is disgusting and as someone who actually does eat at McDonalds, this link brought me a step closer to becoming vegetarian today.

The second is quite creepy. I’m not exactly sure how I feel about this, yet so I will refrain from commenting further.

Btw, a few days too late for me but if you ever get the Feliz Navided virus, this page will help you fix it. Or so I’m told. No personal guarantees since I didn’t fix mine that way.

Thoughts
Still in severe amounts of pain. I am so thankful to those of you who’ve been kind enough to send me cards and wish me well. I’m sure it will be over soon enough, I’m just dreading having to sit for three hours to take that exam on Sunday. To add to that, I haven’t cracked the book open all week. Thank you so much for your thoughtful messages.

I’m awful about email. The way email works for me is that I either reply immediately or it sits in my inbox for weeks which turn into months. I folder all my mail once it’s answered and so I know that anything in my Inbox is something that needs a response. I have messages there from August. That’s how bad I am. Whenever I write a mail to someone, I can never wait for the answer without worrying. I want to get their answer immediately. If a full day passes, I’m already heartbroken and disappointed that the person didn’t care enough to reply. And here I am doing the very same thing. It’s awful and it’s incredibly rude. If you sent me mail and I didn’t respond and you’re reading this, I apologize wholeheartedly. I’ve been using the Japanese exam excuse for the last few weeks but I can always come up with one cuz my life is full enough to pull one out of a list. To be honest, my life wouldn’t mean anything to me without the people who do send me mail and call me and are happy to spend time with me. If I blow those people off, I deserve to be alone. People deserve better. You deserve better. I apologize. I will reply. I mean it.

I have so many thoughts dancing in my head lately. Thoughts about my life. Thoughts about who I am. Who I want to be. Who I should be. Who I will never be. I try hard to get to know myself and understand why I feel the need to do some of the things I do. More on this later, most likely.

Today, three of my workmates and I had lunch together. One girl was from Russia and the other girl and guy were from India. We started talking bout the games we played as kids, during recess, etc. It was amazing how many games we had in common. Russia, India and Turkey and the games were exactly the same. I find it fascinating that even then, before the web (and since we only had one TV channel when I was a kid and it was government regulated, you can’t even say we saw them on TV) our cultures had all that in common. I think that’s fascinating and wonderful.

Tomorrow is World AIDS day. Please take the time to share your stories, educate yourself, and share your knowledge.

Before?

Broken Back and Japanese Exam

I know I haven’t had many excerpts lately but I promise they will come back as soon as I am sane and in one piece.

When I mentioned that my back was broken yesterday, I meant it. Last night, I lay in bed almost crying from the pain. There was absolutely no possible position in which I could curl up and not hurt myself. I tried lying on my back, my stomach, my side, half leg off the bed, both legs under my stomach. None of it worked. Nothing. Nada!

So this morning after a few hours of walking around hunched and changing positions in my chair every few seconds, I started worrying that something might have gone seriously wrong. I have a family full of people with slipped disks, so I had reason to worry. My wonderful doctor was kind enough to give me an appointment pretty much right away and she told me, thankfully, that I hadn’t injured anything permanently but that I wasn’t in real good shape. She gave me some strong drugs (weee!) to take the pain away and told me that she wants me to do physical therapy. Ugh!

My experiences with physical therapy are horrendous at best. I had years of it back at home. It was okay while the guy was doing it but minutes after he’d leave the pain would start shooting up and down my spine and I’d end up, curled up on the floor, weeping. You must understand that after such magnificent memories, I am really not looking forward to these sessions. It might even be better to keep walking around hunched up.

Thanks to Heather, I had my first laugh today. Thanks for making my day, I really needed it, especially today.

I came home, all bummed out, really feeling quite miserable. About forty minutes later, I called my friend John who lives in Japan and we talked for quite a while and I am so glad we did. From December of last year to this past May, I was living in Tokyo, for work and I had no friends whatsoever. John, and his now girlfriend Liz, were two of my closest friends. John actually ate lunch with my almost every single day of those six months. We even sat at the restaurant, him reading his book and me reading mine. He listened to me whine about my job and played the typing arcade game with me until the wee hours of the morning. Liz took me to my first and second hairdresser trips. Since she knows how to speak Japanese, she talked to the funnily dressed woman who was about to change the length and color of my hair. If it weren’t for her, I would have never had the opportunity to experience the hair washing machines that wash your hair on their own. Just like sticking your head in a toilet bowl. By the time I got off the phone, I missed Japan and felt thankful for my friends, no matter how much or little I get to speak to them. Thank you John and Liz for being the best! Since they are both taking the same Japanese exam as I am on Sunday (well Liz is taking the expert level but it’s on the same day) I also wanted to wish them both tons of luck!

May you always be surrounded with friends (and no backache).

Before?

Symptoms

Congested. Burning Throat. Twitching Eyes. Pounding Head. Broken Back.

That’s my current situation. Thanks to a very cold Thanksgiving weekend and a warm cat, I am unable to breathe and unable to stand up straight. My throat is irritated from my continually dripping nose and I can’t open my mouth without some form of phlegm interfering (I know you wanted to know that). Four days in a row of this and five days away from my exam, I can guarantee you wouldn’t want to be in the same room as me today. I am grouchy, I am sick and I am miserable.

To top it off I got my first virus in the eight years I’ve had computers. Thanks to my wonderful mother and my stupid laziness to check each mail, my computer was infected with the stupid ass Feliz Navidad virus two nights ago. It took me several hours to even realize the stupid thing was in my machine. Yesterday, I woke up to realize I was unable to run any executables. This stupid virus changes the association of .exe files for your computer. Nicely enough, that’s the one file type association that cannot be edited or deleted. So, in my very unconscious state, I kept trying to find a solution and decided that, short of manually updating my registry, I had no choice but to reinstall NT on my machine. I’m sure there must have been other options but I really couldn’t think of one, mostly cause I am pretty much unable to think in my current state. Even if I had had the balls to screw with the registry, regedit is an executable and therefore wouldn’t run. Neither would DOS. I’m telling you, it wasn’t funny. To add to my fun, I couldn’t find my copy of NT. Much to the chagrin of my backache, I started going thru all my boxes and came up empty.

Thanks to this joyful situation, I was up till after 3am last night, reinstalling NT, reinstalling Windows Office, and reinstalling all sorts of other programs without which I seem to be unable to function. Jake, rightfully so, kept yelling at me about how I should just install Linux and get all my troubles over with. I must tell you, if it hadn’t meant reformatting my entire drive, I very well might have done that. If I haven’t said so before, let me say it loud and clear now, I hate Microsoft products. They suck! As soon as I get a decent amount of time off, I am freeing my life off any of those.

Life is just not at its best for me right this minute.

Before?

Book Research & Movies

I would like to have put a passage today but unless the stages of the pregnancy during the first and second trimesters are your area of interest, I can’t imagine you’ll enjoy what I post. I’ve been doing research for my novel. Between that and the unbearable hours of Japanese, I didn’t actually have time to read a book. I’ve figured out that my biggest problem with this test is vocabulary. If you don’t know what a word means, it’s impossible to figure what preposition to use with it. The really frustrating thing is that I have no idea how to study for that. No matter how many words I memorize, there will be more on the exam.

We watched Raising Arizona two nights ago. I know it’s supposed to be one the greatest movies. I must tell you, I thought the movie is okay but it certainly wasn’t anything amazing. The acting was fine but the story was stupid. I’m sorry but I just didn’t get it.

On the other hand, The 400 Blows, or with its original name, Les Quatre cents coups, was wonderful. It’s about a 12-year-old boy who is very mischievous to compensate for the terrible life he has at home. The movie made me think a lot about my family and how lucky I was to have parents who actually cared about me and paid attention to my life and feelings. It made me take a moment to thank them for being as amazing as they’ve been.

I love the recent HP ads about how amazon changed the way people shop. The one with the donut store where they talk about other people who enjoy the same type of donut is my favorite. I also like how they have many varieties. It stops them from getting boring and overplayed.

So Bush, as expected, won. Tho, again as expected, we’re nowhere near the end. We’ve got about two more weeks before the absolute deadline comes and I wonder who will actually decide the next president of the United States. Sorry I keep talking about it but it totally fascinates me.

By this time next week, I will be done with my Japanese exam and will officially be in a one-month vacation from classes. Yeay!

Before?

Thanksgiving

To all the Americans out there, Happy Thanksgiving. Make sure to take a moment to remember what you’re giving thanks for.

Jake and I are at Martha’s Vineyard and while it’s freezing here, I still feel the delight of being far away and relaxed. This is my fifth (or maybe sixth) Thanksgiving here with Jake and his family. Thanksgiving here is nothing like what American television depicts. Jake and his two brothers get along quite well with their parents. We spend most of the day in front of the fire (since it’s always freezing cold this time of year) and we chit chat, read, and mostly doze off. Often, a bunch of them go for a walk on one of the beaches and then we lazy around for a while more till we all sit for dinner. No TV here (actually they don’t have a TV in any house) so no football. Just good old fashioned family chats.

I remember these Thanksgivings always as calming and low key. Each time, I have an enormous amount of homework to do since Thanksgiving is about two weeks before finals time. Actually, last year, I remember thinking that one of the greatest things about working is that I didn’t have any homework over thanksgiving. But, this year, I do. Next week Sunday is my Japanese exam and once that’s over I’m all done for this semester. Pass or fail, I can take some time off and I must admit I need it.

I passed my Sign Language test! I’m on to level 7, except for they don’t offer it on a day I can take it next semester so it might have to wait till Spring. I have already started looking at next semester’s classes tho and I’m thrilled about this class on the human brain that NYU is offering. I’m so excited that such neat classes are offered and I can take them! I think I will prolly take the next level in Japanese too, but no more exams for a few more years.

Till then, I’m off to memorize those new words. I hope you have a most wonderful Thanksgiving and even if you’re not American, take a moment to notice things that you would give thanks for. We often take things for granted so it’s good to ponder for a moment or two.

Before?

Invincible

One of the greatest side effects of taking so many classes and learning so much is that you start feeling invincible about learning. The more you learn, the more you feel capable of learning. When I fist came to the United States, I was overwhelmed and intimidated by my classmates who seemed to have been born with a keyboard attached. Many of the Carnegie Mellon Computer Science students start programming well before they get to college. I, on the other hand, had never seen anything more advanced than a Commodore till the minute I stepped on campus. During college, I somehow figured out that the only difference between me and these people was a few months/years of experience that I could catch up to much more quickly that I’d imagined.

Since graduation, I took classes in Italian, French, Sign Language, Yoga, 3-D graphics, Art History, Novel Writing, Alexander Technique, and Japanese. At least six of those were subjects I’d never previously been exposed to. The neat thing is that the more classes I took, the more I got inspired to take. Next semester, I want to start learning how to play the saxophone, and take cooking and ballroom dancing classes. A few years ago, all of these would have sounded implausible to me. I have no ear, I am extremely clumsy, and I definitely can’t cook. The difference is that less than a year ago I felt equally hopeless about Japanese. When I got the offer to go to Tokyo, Jake and I opened the language portion of Encarta and listened to a voice pronouncing the first ten digits and I told him, “There’s absolutely no way I’m gonna learn that language.” Today, numbers are the least of my problem.

The more I learn, the less I fear learning. I feel powerful and invincible. I feel like the only difference between me and a doctor is that he chose to go to medical school and I didn’t. I feel that these options are available to me. If I wanted, I could be a lawyer or a doctor or a pilot. With the right amount of time and practice, I could be whatever my heart desires. Anything.

Isn’t that a neat feeling?

Before?

Bounce

I saw Bounce last night. If you haven’t seen this movie and plan to, you might not want to read on. I don’t think there are any major spoilers coming up but I can’t be sure so I thought I’d warn you anyhow. A quick peek at imdb will let you know that it’s about an advertising agent, Buddy, who gives his first class plane ticket to another passenger to do him a favor (and he wants to hook up with another traveler who’s stuck in an airport hotel for the night). The plane crashes and everyone dies. (All this is in the preview, so no spoilers) Buddy goes through some personal crisis and then start looking for the other passenger’s wife and family to subtly help them. As you might be able to guess, they fall in love, etc, etc.

Let me get to my point. At one point Abby, the wife, tells her best friend that she doesn’t want to be with Buddy she’d be with him cause her husband died and she doesn’t want to be doing that. Her friend, quite wisely, says, “Whether it’s Buddy now or another man one year later, you’ll be with him cause Greg died.” To me, that was one of the most brilliant lines of the movie, cause while her friend was totally right, I’d never thought about it that way. It made me realize how shortsighted I’d been.

The movie sparked up a lot of interesting thoughts in me about how every single choice we make affects our life. Most importantly, the choices we don’t make do, too. The path we decide not to travel and the options we pass on. Every single thing we do and don’t do has a bearing not only on our lives but possibly on many other people’s as well. Kinda freaky when you think about it…

My friend, Steven, emphasized a sad fact about my personality, recently, when we talked about my upcoming Japanese exam.

He asked, “So, what happens if you fail this exam?”

“Nothing.”

“So what happens if you pass?”

“Nothing.”

Talk about self-inflicted stress…

Before?

Reading Diaries

Thoughts
Starting at age 11, I wrote in my diary every single day. So much so that my friends would make fun of me. To top it off, I was a very private person and shared my feelings with no one, which made these diaries even more precious. My friends would tease about having read them and I’d fly off the handle, as they wanted me to.

The greatest thing about having written years of diaries is that I can now go back and read them all. Amidst the childish blabber, I find some gems.

During the last years of high school and in the beginning of college, I used to ask people to write me letters. Handwritten ones. As much as they whined about it, I have all these amazing letters now. Trust me when I say that they are much more precious than email. I had this theory (which I still believe in) that people feel more comfortable writing things down as opposed to vocalizing them. Somehow when we write them down, things become easier to say. We can talk about our feelings and our disappointments, etc.

When you write things down, you don’t have to worry about the opposite party’s reaction. You don’t have to worry about their disappointment, lack of excitement, disapproval, anger, bewilderment or anything else. You just pour things out, writing to a faceless entity. I’ve found that this process makes people more honest, more open and more at ease. Don’t believe me? Give it a try!

Before?

Frequency

Just finished watching Frequency. If you can get past the unbelievable parts, it’s a neat story. It’s like a long Early Edition episode with lots of twists and turns. Overall, a good Friday night movie. It does bring up some interesting thoughts about what would happen if you had the ability to change your past. Would you?

Too tired to have pithy thoughts tonight. I think I am going to go to bed so I can get up and get some work done tomorrow.

I have some strong opinions about what weblogs are and are not but I will have to save them until I have time to sit down and type legibly. Let me just say that no one is allowed to tell you what you can or should put on your web page. It’s yours dammit. You get to decide all of its contents.

Before?

Election Madness

I had all these interesting thoughts today that I planned to write about and now I can’t remember any of them. That should explain how long my day was.

Millions of people have already linked to this 13 Myths About the Results of the 2000 Election story that Derek originally linked to at MetaFilter but in case you haven’t seen it, I wanted to make sure to point it out. One of the most interesting points, to me, was the 13th. I never really thought of that and it’s an interesting point. The entire piece is quite thought provoking actually.

I’m still reading the political issue of the New Yorker from a few weeks ago. Today, I read the Joseph P. Kennedy letters. They were beautiful. The two I found most touching were the ones relating to the deaths of Joe Kennedy, Jr.and Kathleen Kennedy Hartington. It seems he was quite religious. Even though I’m not, I liked his strong emotions and eloquent wording. Here’s the one he wrote to Kick (Kathleen) 30 minutes after he found out about her death:

To Kick:
No one who ever knew her didn’t feel that life was much better that minute. And [ the word probably with a slash mark through it] we know so little about the next world that we must think that they wanted just such a wonderful girl for themselves. We must not feel sorry for her but for ourselves.

Here’s another part from a letter to Cissy Patterson, editor and publisher of the Wahington Times-Herald about Joe’s death.

I still find it very difficult to get over Joe’s death. God in His wisdom ordained so well that the young soon forget the sorrow of the death of older people, but I don’t think that the older people ever get over the death of the younger ones.

He also has a humorous letter to Teddy, correcting his broken English.

All in all, a very interesting read.

Before?

Lights of Empire State

If you’ve been here before, you might notice the small face lift. Feel free to let me know what you think. I have plans to add more to it, but I’ve been meaning to do the reorg for a while now, so I’m glad I finally got to it. I’m hoping this will motivate me to write the pieces I’ve been meaning to.

I can happily say that this has been a good weekend so far. I’ve written over 4,000 words of my novel and studied quite a bit of Japanese (not as much as I should have but still, I’m not complaining) and I got to do some of my redesign. On top of that, I went out to dinner with Jake and his parents last night and we got to see Mike and Steve today. All in all, a very successful weekend.

Last night, after dinner, the four of us walked over to the Empire State Building which is a few blocks from our house. If you ever visit New York, I highly recommend going there at night. Most tourists go to the building during the day, but the view is much better at night. Actually, it’s breathtaking. From that level, all the lights look like candles and the moving cars make a beautiful picture. I remember the first time Jake and I went up there and I saw the enormous Pepsi-Cola add. It’s so large that there is no way to ignore this terribly distasteful ad.

Checkout CNN’s election page. They took New Mexico’s electoral votes away from Gore but they forgot to decrement his “states won” section. It still says 19 states when it should say 18. Heh.

Apologies for not having an excerpt today, I still have several hours of writing and studying to do and it’s already almost 11pm here.

Before?