Let the bitching begin.
Two weeks ago a friend and I were talking on the phone. Out of the blue, the conversation turned ugly and he started asking me weird questions and getting increasingly angry/demanding. I had no idea where this was coming from and tried to take it with a grain of salt and even apologized for actions that weren’t wrong. I tried to soothe him but it was no go. He didn’t realize how upset he was and wouldn’t admit to being angry. After a while more of unloading on me, he hung up.
A few days later, he called me back and chatted away like nothing happened. At first I was taken aback and wondered whether I imagined the whole thing. I considered bringing it up myself but I didn’t want to rehash any of the issues so I left it alone and decided to wait. He and I talk several times a day so I figured it would eventually come up.
Here we are two weeks and at least ten conversations later and the issue never ever came up again. None of: “I’m sorry , I don’t know what came over me.” or “I must have been losing my mind.” or “Other stuff was making me upset, I am sorry I took it out on you.” I would have apologized but honestly, I hadn’t said a word and this wasn’t an argument as much as it was his unloading on me. So I went from flabbergasted to fuming.
I can totally understand that we all have bad days and times when we’re overly stressed. I can alos understand that we often take it out from those closest to us. But there’s no excuse for not acknowledging such an occurence. I was quite hurt, sad, and worried after that exchange and his not acknowledging it makes me feel like all the actions were justified. Even if he’d called me and continued to yell at me, I would have prefered that over lets-act-like-nothing-happened. WTF?
People and actions like that irk me. We all fuck up at times but let’s be a man (to use a really stereotypical phrase) about it. There’s nothing wrong with calling a good friend and apologizing. There’s a lot to be respected in humility and candor. And there’s no fucking thing to be proud of in feeling like if we don’t ever bring it up, it will be like it never happened. It did happen. Even if you want to act otherwise.
I am not waiting for an apology or even an explanation. I am happy to and already have forgiven him. I just want him to acknowledge it so I don’t feel like my feelings aren’t worthless to him. Mayne it’s asking for too much but I cannot stand acting. I like things out in the open. I like honesty. I like candid. Bring it on. If you put it out there, we may be able to resolve it. If you don’t, we never will.
It’s been almost two months since my last entry. I’ve had this site on and off for five years. I wasn’t sure if I was going to miss writing this time. There are times when writing here is fun and times when it feels more like a chore. In the months preceding the closing, it had become more like the latter. Each night that I went to bed without updating, I’d feel like I let someone down. Fact is, I have few readers, but I still felt like shit. Which is why I stopped.
I wasn’t sure if I was going to miss any of it. I haven’t been taking photos (except of David) and I have just begun sleeping again and my days are filled with David, work, a new small business, reading, and, of course, Jake. I figured my life was full enough.
But I did miss it.
From the day I turned ten to Freshman year in college, I kept a diary every single night. Many people asked me how I found something to write each night. I just did. I liked writing every day. It was my thing. That’s sort of how I feel about this place. I want to make sure it never goes away. Since college, I’ve attempted to keep diaries many times and it just never worked. When David was born, I promised myself (as I did when I found out I was pregnant) that I would keep a written record. I have managed to take photos every day he’s been alive (except day three) but I have three failed attempts at writing. Whatever little I’ve written here is the most I’ve written anywhere.
So I am going to keep writing. I can’t promise it will be consistently, but I am going to try hard. I won’t post photos when I don’t have them but I also won’t let that stop me from posting. I will try to write a tidbit about David each day, more for me than you, I’m putting it in a different section so if you don’t want to read it, feel free to skip it. Sometimes the David section might be longer than the main section, but not usually. Once I start taking regular photos again, I will post those too. At least that’s the plan. And we know what happens to best laid plans.
So there we are. This is the closest thing I got to my childhood diaries. And I miss writing down my ideas. I miss talking about my random thoughts. I miss sharing my emotions. I miss recording my life. The everydayness of my life.
But, mostly, I missed the bitching. So expect some whiny posts coming soon.
Thank you for sticking around.
My son belly-laughing.
New books from my favorite authors.
A beautiful Southern California day.
Long chats with good friends.
A smiling David after a long, happy nap.
Code that works in the first try.
Figuring out a bug I’ve spent weeks on.
Taking photographs.
Sunday Morning paper and breakfast in bed.
Knitting, making jewelry, scrapbooking and other forms of craftiness.
My husband.
Chocolate.
Days when all my to-do lists are accomplished.
My nephews.
Music. Tons and tons of music.
Car trips.
National Parks. State Parks. Beaches. Nature.
TV and movies.
Working from home.
Computers and programming
Hugs. Enveloping hugs.
and of course brown paper packages in the mail.
What are some of your favorite things?
David turned five months old yesterday. I know it’s pathetic that I haven’t updated in nine days after saying I wanted to update more often but we’ve had a long and difficult week. Mostly cause mom has lost her mind.
Last Saturday, I was online surfing about sleeping issues and came across the Baby Whisperer book. Something rang true so I went out and bought it right away. And proceeded to implement it. For those of you who are unfamilair with it, it goes something like this: You put the baby on an EASY schedule. He eats, plays (Activity) and then sleeps so you get some You time. (Eat, Activity, Sleep, You). You feed the baby every 3 hours. (or four if he’s over four months old). Anyhow the idea is to teach the baby to self-soothe. What you do is you put him in the crib and then if he cries, you pick him up and when he calms you put him down. You do this as long as it takes.
Our first night went badly. He was up from 1-3 and then from 5-7. The book said the first night would be hard so I persevered. The second night was perfect. He slept all the way from 8 to 5am. I dream-fed him and he never woke up. I felt great! I was sure it was working. I had finally found something that worked.
Riiiiiighhhtttt.
Come day four, David won’t go to bed without crying in my arms or in his crib with me wrapped all over him. He wakes up four times a night. Sometimes for an hour, crying. At least for an hour. Today, day six, he was so bad that he would start stiffening and wailing as soon as we entered the bedroom. While Jake was putting him down and picking him up, he explained to me that this was no different from crying it out. I yelled at him and got mad but eventually admitted that he was right. As soon as I admitted it, I completely relaxed. I’d been stressing all week from hearing him cry and feeling like shit about it. Now I didn’t have to any more.
I took my son out for a walk and then at bedtime, I sat with him for thirty minutes while rubbed his belly, his head, his tummy and whatever else he needed to sleep. He fell asleep peacefully and has now been sleeping for 1.5hrs without a stir. I will NEVER do that to my kid again. If he wakes up seventeen times a night until he’s a teenager so be it. That’s what it means to have a kid, right? What’s the point in having them if I am going to complain that he’s inconvenient.
I feel much better now and I am a lot more relaxed. I love my son and I am so so lucky that he’s the smiliest and easiest boy in the world. Any other kid would have hated me for what I put him through in the last week. But my amazing son continued to smile at me and laugh when I kissed him.
Happy Five Months, David, I love you with all my heart.
I’m not sure why I haven’t been writing. Honestly, it’s mosly cause I haven’t been in the mood. I’ll try to do better in July. One of the things I love most about my blog is that I get to go back and read about the past. If I don’t update often, I don’t have that luxury, so I will try harder. I figured before the month is up, I should do some updates.
David’s still not sleeping. His dad is being extremely gracious and helping me out incredibly by holding and consoling him throughout the night except the two times he eats which is when I get up. Since I haven’t slept in so long, my sleeping patterns are all messed up and between that and my aching boobs, I still don’t get too much sleep but it’s considerably better since my amazing husband has stepped in to help. As for David we’re still hoping he’ll “grow out of it.” especially since there appears to be nothing wrong with him physically and he’s the happiest baby ever. Laughing and smiling like a crazy person. If you don’t believe me, you can watch this video of us playing. Then you’ll know how awesome he is.
The reading craze is still continuing. I am now reading Specimen Days from the author of The Hours. This book is not nearly as good as the Hours, especially since it’s a bit like horror and that’s definitely not my genre. But Cunnigham’s writing still quite beautiful. Next in line are Hornby and Melissa Bank. I am so excited to be reading again. David and I have started a routine of walking to the mall for lunch so he gets his afternoon nap while mom eats her lunch and reads. It’s the most serene hour of my day.
 My little boy must be teething because he’s drooling like a faucet and has this unquenchable need to suck and bite stuff. The other night he sucked on my chin so hard that he gave me my very first hickey. We had a breakfast date with a friend of Jake’s the next morning and I was very embarrased to wake up to a big black and blue bruise. I wasn’t sure how to explain it. Who knew I’d get my first hickey from my son?
As I mentioned months ago, I am making a scrapbook for David’s first year. It has one page for each week. He just finished week twenty, and I just finished week 17 so I am not that behind. When I am not with him, sleeping, eating, working or reading, I am putting the book together. I want to have a great record of his first year. If anyone out there is a big scrapbook person and has some good ideas, feel free to send them my way. If you want to see my layouts so far, shoot me an email. I will eventually put them all up but I haven’t gotten all that organized just yet.
Other than the lack of sleep, life’s quite wonderful here in Karenika-land. I wish I had a bit more time to read/write and work on the scrapbook. But life is always too short when you’re having fun, isn’t it?
So my little one is still not sleeping. I’ve read a zillion books on getting your baby to sleep and most of them claim that if he gets his naps in, he sleeps better at night. Ahem. Not. True. There are days David naps perfectly and he still wakes up every two hours. There are days he doesn’t nap much at all and he sleeps three hours or more so I’m going to say all those books are…crap!
On the good side, he’s healthy and happy as a clam. He smiles these wide, beautiful smiles that engulf you. When he’s facing my cheek, he opens his mouth wide and gives me a bite/kiss. His lips are so soft. His tiny hands rest on my chest while he eats and he holds on so tight when I’m carrying him around. He’s actually laughing at me several times a day now.
My friend Roni asked me how my life changed since I had David the other day. (I think that’s what you asked, right Roni?) Just as I was trying to figure out what to say, David decided he was hungry and I attempted to nurse him in public and when that was a disaster, I had to go home so I never answered her question.
I was telling a friend that it’s impossible to prepare for a baby. You think that nine months would be enough to expect the changes a baby will bring to your life, but it’s nothing. And I mean NOTHING compared to how much your life really changes once the baby comes. There’s no preparation. One day you’re two adults who love each other and like to spend time together, the next day you’re a family. A little baby that is constantly there, a baby not capable of eating, sleeping or changing himself. A wonderful and scary thing that will NEVER leave. Well, he will, assuming he goes to college. But it will be a long time before he does. And until then he is my responsiblity.
And it’s scary. It’s hard. It’s challenging. It’s tiring. I look at him and I wonder when I grew up to be old enough to have a baby. When did I become an adult? Am I screwing this boy up? What if I do? This little, beautiful boy who wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for me. I owe it to him to make sure his life is full of wonderful moments. Full of joy. Full of love. Compassion and kindness. Curiosity. Hugs. Love. There can never be enough love.
All the parents in my group ask where I get the energy to get through the days since I am not getting any sleep and haven’t had a full night of sleep for thirteen months. Fact is, I wake up and I see David each time. I created this little man, and if he takes years to sleep through the night, then I will wake up for years. It’s only the beginning of the things I can give him. Hugs in the middle of the night.
After all, it won’t be long before he won’t let me hug him and I cherish these moments.
So having a baby has changed my life indescribably. It’s changed it permanently. And I am thankful for it each and every day!
I came to the United States in August of 1992. I had just graduated high school in Istanbul and flew across the Atlantic Ocean to attend Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh, PA. Even back then I knew that I intended to stay here and was determined to do all that was necessary for me to achieve the goal of making the US my permanent home as quickly as possible.
My senior year, I turned down offers from companies that wouldn’t guarantee a green card application, namely JP Morgan and went with one that promised to apply exactly one year after my start date, namely Goldman Sachs. Exactly one year after my beginning date, I made a phone call from London where I was for a project and asked them to start the proceedings. Thanks to a great law firm, I got my green card relatively quickly, in two years, with the Extraordinary Ability clause. Exactly three months short of five years later, I applied for my citizenship. That was December of 2004. Today, I took my oath and walked away with my naturalization papers.
I am officially a citizen of the United States of America.
There were over 1,000 others swearing in with me today. We were told to arrive at 8:30 but the ceremony didn’t begin until 10. It commenced with a group of local junior high school students performing a medley of Footloose songs. The relevance still baffles me. We then waited while they gave some awards to some officials and sang the Star Spangled Banner. Someone made the motion for all of us to become citizens and a judge accepted it after we took the oath of allegience. The judge’s parents were naturalized citizens themselves so he was very moved to be there and cried a bit as he talked about how great America is and what a special day it was for us and how honored he felt to be there. There was another moving speech and then the judge read the names of all 94 countries that had citizens being naturalized today and asked us to get up as our country’s name was called. Being in San Diego, he left out Mexico and at the end the crowd yelled, so he said, “What there are people from Mexico here?” and half the room got up and cheered. It was quite funny and specific to our location, I imagine. If I weren’t so worried about David going without food for so long, I might have enjoyed the proceedings more. As it were, I wanted to get my certificate and be done with this long ordeal.
I know there are many cynical and bitter people out there and not everyone agrees with me. But, to me, becoming American was a lifelong goal and one I am incredibly proud to have accomplished. This country has given me everything I’ve ever wanted. It allowed be to find myself and gave me the space to grow into what I wanted to be. If I hadn’t come here, I am not sure I would have done half the things I’ve done in my life and I am so glad to live here every single day. I am proud to be a citizen. I am delighted that I will get to vote. Not to mention how much easier it will be to travel now!
It only took thirteen years.
It’s amazing to think that David’s been a part of our family for four whole minths. Actually thirteen months if we count the time he spent in my belly. Part of me can’t believe it’s been that long and part of me doesn’t remember a time David wasn’t with us.
The changes from month three to month four have been exponential. In the last month, David’s found his hand, his feet, and his voice. He now drools like nobody’s business and he sticks everything in his mouth, including his toes. He has found a way to make a ton of different, funny sounds, some sharp and high-pitched and others gutteral and trembling. He can go between laughing and crying in less than thirty seconds. Sometimes he jumps back and forth between the two so much that you can’t tell if he’s mad, sad, or just playing.
His smiles have gotten wider and he can definitely recognize mom and dad now. His face lights up when we look at him, regardless of upset he might have been. He gives us kisses (or tries to bite our cheeks depending on your perspective) and his little hands are soft like cotton. He has learned to grab things and hold on to them, including my hair.
His favorite thing is to bounce up and down and when his daddy holds him up high. He has grown over 4 inches since he’s been born and more than doubled his weight. He is cute beyond words and can drive us insane beyond words, too. He has learned how to get a constant whine going. He has learned to get bored and begun seeking more attention. All in the last four weeks. It looks like he’s going to take after his mommy and be a big talker. He’s practicing now. Along with the loud and stinky farts.
Having a baby is challenging. It’s time consuming, it’s humbling, it’s frustrating. And it’s incredibly rewarding.
And will be more so when he sleeps…
I love you David, happy four months. To four thousand more.
Friendship is such hard work. I’ve been thinking a lot about the friends I’ve made in my life. I guess more than the ones, I’m thinking about the ones I’ve lost. I try to invest a lot of time, effort, and emotion into my friendships and so when they disappear, a piece of my heart walks away with them.
I’ve notices three different trends in ways that my friendships disappear. The first is the most obvious one of busy lives. I’m busy, he’s busy. We work in big companies, we work too many hours. We mean to call. We mean to write. When we get together, it’s tons of fun. It’s just that we never do get together. We don’t write. We don’t call. One’s traveling, the other is at work late. Fact is, we’re never as busy as we think we are. There’s always time for a good friend and for good coversation. It’s good for the soul. A good friend and I had found a solution to this when I lived in NYC. We’d set up a regular date for Thursdays after work. The two of them and the two of us had a regular date at a bar in SoHo. We always showed up and spent anywhere from one hour to five hours at the bar chatting. Somehow, because it was regular, we never ditched it. There was never the worry of scheduling, it was ongoing. I wish I could do this with all my friends. Maybe a regular phone date. Or email, even. Good friends never really disappear and even ten years later we can catch up but there is that little bit that vanishes and once daily life isn’t shared, we do have a bit of distance between us that never closes.
The second is a bit more painful. It’s the case similar to the one above but one party is obviously making a bigger effort than the other. This is painful when I’m the one making the effort and it’s painful when the other party is. If I am making the effort and calling and writing with no response, I feel hurt and rejected. If the other party is doing it, I feel guilty and frustrated. There’s something obviosly out of balance here. Sometimes, it balances out randomly when the other person changes their mind but it’s rare. What generally happens is that resentment builds and the friendship whiters away to nothing.
The last one is my least favorite one. It’s the one where something happens. Big or small. Something that makes you question the friendship. Something that leaves you with sour taste in your mouth. It might be a bickering that should have never gotten out of hand or a true betrayal that hurts deep down. Either way, there’s no going back. You can try to apologize, forgive and go back but things will never be the same again. That thing is now there. It’s like a thorn that is too deep in your flesh. This only happens with really good friends because those are the only ones you give a shit about enough to have this pain. And it hurts like hell.
There are days when I feel it’s easier to just be with my family and books. There’s much less potential for pain there. But then a friend calls and I remember why it’s important to have him or her in my life.
I recently finished reading Opening Skinner’s Box. It was one of the most enjoyable and thought-provoking reads I’ve had in a while (not that that says much since it’s been a while since I’ve read but I am restarting, even if ten pages a night). There’s been a lot of controversy over this book. There are articles on whether the author made stuff up or misquoted some of the psychiatrists she spoke with. Regardless, it’s an interesting read and I would recommend it.
The book talks about ten experiments the author claims are the greatest experiments of the twentieth century. One of these experiments is about psychiatric wards. I will summarize very quickly and apologize if this is not clear. A researcher got eight of his friends to go to prestigious and public psychiatric clinics and they were to say that they heard a voice that said “thud” and see if they would be admitted. All other details they gave were to be 100% accurate and once inside, they were to act completely normal. All the patients were admitted and spent from 9 to 53 days at the wards. This was to prove that psychiatrists don’t recognize sane people.
This experiment caused a lot controversy and pissed many people off. One pyschiatrist claimed that such an experiment would never work today. So the author decided to try it out. Just like the original nine, she didn’t shower or brush her teeth for a week and then went in and said she heard a “thud.” Partly due to the experiment I explained above patients are never admitted anymore unless they are a danger to others or to themselves. As such, the author was not admitted anywhere but she was diagnosed in all places as a schizophrenic or some other equally serious disease and she was prescribed over 50 pills in total. All this after a ten to fifteen minute diagnostic solely based on her hearing “thud.”
Reading that gave me the chills. For some reason, right around the pregnancy I became very anti-medication. I am not saying there aren’t legitimate times that call for pills that are tremendously helpful and necessary. But I find that in our society, today, we over-medicate. Most of the medications have strong side effects that then reequire other medication. Fact is, medicine rarely works long term. Your immune system adjusts and you need to up the dosage or change pills. All you’re doing is intrdocuing a lot of foregin, not well tested stuff into your body for short term relief (not that it isn’t really needed at times). This coming from someone who took Vioxx for almost two years. So I wasn’t always such a pill-hater. But now I am. And reading the author’s experience only made me more sure that doctors are too quick to try to solve stuff with pills, especially if they don’t really know what’s wrong with you.
When David was six weeks old I thought I might have thrush and called my pediatrician. The nurse was going to write me a 21-day prescription over the phone. Without even seeing me and making sure I did have thrush. I told her that I wanted to see someone and be sure. She gave me an appointment and lo and behold it turned out not to be thrush. If I weren’t so adamant, I would have been taking unnecessary medicine (not to mention giving it to David through my milk) for three weeks.
How scary is that?
ps: For those of you who’ve been following the no-sleep saga, things have improved slightly. David now wakes up three times a night, around every three to four hours. I would be okay with twice a night and am praying that it’s coming soon. Some of my sanity is already coming back and I am really glad. Thanks for listening and being there.
There’s an episode of Desperate Housewives (yes, I watch that show but I watch everything on TV so it doesn’t mean anything) where one of the moms finally comes face to face with the ADD medication she’s been taking to keep up with her sons and she has a nervous breakdown. She’s sitting in the middle of this soccer field when her friends find her. As she shares with them how horrible she feels about the kind of mom she is, they each tell her their storeis of the hard times they endured with their children and the mistakes they made. She then asks her friends why they never told her this stuff before and they tell her that no one likes to look like they aren’t on top of things. The woman then tells her friends that they need to share those moments, that’s what friendship is about.
I need some of that lately. I am tired of everyone around me being so fucking perfect. Their kids are wonderful. They take all their naps on time and nice and long. They sleep through the night. They eat the perfect ten to fifteen minutes on each side and latch off when done. They burp on cue. They roll over, stand up, sit up, reach out, grab or whatever else they’re supposed to do by that developmental age.
Either everyone’s baby is perfect or they’re fucking lying.
I don’t understand the value of keeping your struggles to yourself. It makes it such that we suffer alone and make everyone else look and feel like they are the only failures in the world. What’s so fucking wrong with the truth? I’ll go first:
My son’s been on some sort of strike lately. He whines more often than he ever did. He really struggles to take naps and several times a week, we get in the car and drive around just so he can get some sleep during the day. He’s been eating so much lately that I feel like both my breasts are empty all the time. Last night, I finally took him to bed with me because he’s been waking up every 90minutes for the last week and I couldn’t take it anymore. In our bed, he slept a solid five hours before waking up for a meal. He doesn’t roll over yet (though he did once but I think it was probably an accident). He reaches out sometimes but won’t grab stuff unless we put it in his hands. There are times in the day when I’d be willing to pay him a thousand dollars for him to sleep for one hour so that he can be better rested. Lately, almost daily I question my ability to do right by him. If I can’t get him to sleep, what hope do I have of doing anything else?
I don’t want to hear advice. I am capable of spinning all this another way. I can tell you he smiles all the time and his smiles are wide and all consuming. I can tell you he’s in the 50th percentile of all his numbers. I can tell you he’s been gaining weight consistently and well. I can tell you he’s been perfectly healthy since the day he was born. I can tell you he’s the most beautiful baby in the world. All of that would be 100% true.
But so is the other part. And I don’t see why it’s important to hide it. I feel like if I shared my struggles, it might help another mom who’s also struggling. I remember when I was pregnant and hurt so much, I hated the fact that others didn’t tell me how difficult it could be. That lasted only nine months. This is much longer. This is too long to be acting. Is it really that important to look good? What’s the point of friends if not to share the rough times and to make others feel less lonely in their misery?
A year ago this time, I wasn’t pregnant. Or at least I didn’t know it.
A year ago this time, I quit drinking diet coke and started going to yoga more regularly.
A year ago this time, I was trying to have a baby.
David was conceived sometime in the month of May. Last year, this time, he was just a concept and now he’s a three-month old boy who has big blue eyes.
It seems like such little time has passed since he’s been born and at the same time I can’t imagine life without him. Having a baby has been a trying experience in so many ways. In the last week, he hasn’t slept longer than a three-hour stretch day or night and he seems to only be able to take a nap that last longer than twenty minutes if he’s in the car or attached to my breast. He eats in small bits and likes to bit or wiggle around. Two nights ago, he pooped twice in the middle of the night and three times in a row at six in the morning. He pooped right as I was changing him, all over my hand. Last night, he peed himself three times and I had to change him three times, which meant he woke up completely and it took me an hour to wind him down back to sleep. I haven’t been able to do anything that takes more than thirty minutes in the last three months. I have washed my pajamas and daily clothes at least thirty times to clean the spit ups. I can’t even count the number of laundry loads we washed of David’s clothes. I have books I want to read. Projects I want to complete. I want to update my site more. I want to take photos. I want to keep better track of David’s first months. But none of that is happenning. All I do is feed and play with David and try to put him to sleep.
The same three months have brought the biggest joys of my life. I know it’s cliche but he really did change my life and he really is the most amazing thing that ever happened to me. I don’t mean that the rest of my life doesn’t matter and I don’t think I would like to give up who I am. But each time I look into David’s smiling face and his shiny eyes, I can’t believe he came out of me. Jake and I made this little man. This little, happy man. And no other accomplishment in our lives will ever compare to that.
Happy three-months little boy.
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projects for twenty twenty-four
projects for twenty twenty-three
projects for twenty twenty-two
projects for twenty twenty-one
projects for twenty nineteen
projects for twenty eighteen
projects from twenty seventeen
monthly projects from previous years
some of my previous projects
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