Crap.
Crap. Crap.
So Jake and I have been watching the Tour De France. We got hooked on
the Tour four years ago. We watched it minute by minute in 2004 and
2005. Last year we missed it because we were in Turkey, but this year,
we upgraded our Dish subscription just so we can get Versus and we’ve
been watching it since day one.
So, of course, we started by rooting by Leipheimer. But then he was
obviously not going to make it and while I loved Rasmussen’s drive, I
was still rooting for The Discovery Team, so Contador it was. During
today’s stage, I kept waiting for Contador to take off. Waiting and
waiting and waiting. And then Rasmussen took off. And I got bummed.
So you’d think that once I read the news about Rasmussen being fired by
his team (due to lying about where he was and missing drug tests), I’d
be dancing on my coffee table.
But I am not.
I wanted Contador or Levi to win because they deserved it and because
they rightfully beat Rasmussen by riding faster for the time trial or
something like that. Not that they don’t deserve it but this is such a
bummer way.
It’s all so sad. Rasmussen. Vinokourov. Moreni. Not to mention all those
who were suspended last year and didn’t even get to ride this year. Why,
oh why?
I was looking forward to tomorrow’s time trial very much, especially
since it’s not Rasmussen’s forte and it might have changed the race. But
now looks like Contador will win by elimination. Not really the way I
wanted it to turn out. Reduces the excitement considerably.
What a bummer.
It’s been a while since I’ve added a new section to the site but I’ve
finally managed to put together a new section which is mostly about my
relatively new hobby which has recently become mostly a favorite
pasttime (along with books of course.)
In honor of scrapbooking, which brings together my love of photography,
writing, and art, I created a new “create” section: find it here.
I have a lot of posts sitting in queue waiting to get posted. Expect
some blog diarrhea soon.
I’ve been here. I know I’ve been quiet. But I’ve been here. Working
hard. Working long. Spending all my free time with David and Jake and
scrapbooking and reading and sleeping and watching TV and doing a bunch
of other not very constructive things.
Funny thing is. lately I’ve been thinking more and more about my life
before. Don’t ask me “before what?” Just before. I’ve been thinking
about all the classes I took, the languages, the saxophone, the
volunteering, the writing, the photography, and now the scrapbooking.
I’ve done a lot and I like living a full life.
Maybe I’m being too optimistic, but expect some changes soon.
I live with guilt twenty-four/seven.
No matter what time of the day or week you catch me, I can list five
things I feel guilty about. There are the typical things like the
chocolate I ate a few minutes ago, or the exercise I didn’t do, or the
emails sitting in my inbox. Things that are common to everyone’s life.
Things that make up New Year’s resolutions that never get met. They are
such shared experiences that books are written about them, careers are
made trying to monetize them, and they even have Hallmark cards about them.
`
These pangs of guilt live in the surface of life. The place where you
know it doesn’t much matter if I ate chocolate half an hour ago or end
up a size smaller or bigger next week. I know that the inbox will fill
again. I know that the friends will forgive me, and often will be too
busy to write back themselves. All it takes to fix these things is
admitting that while I would love for these issues to disappear, I don’t
really want to do the work or sacrifice they will need.
And then there is the big stuff. Spending time with family vs working
all hours of the night. Snapping at my husband when I’m pissed at a
coworker. Ignoring my kid because I am too tired and don’t want to deal
with whatever small thing he’s frustrated about right then. There are
the things that make you pick sides. Living in America vs being near my
family. Working vs staying home with David. Things that don’t come with
right answers. Things that a lot of work might not make go away. Things
that are not obvious.
Those are the cases where I wish someone would pull me aside and tell me
the secret answers. I know that guilt is a wasted
emotion. Yet, I can’t help it. I don’t want to have to sacrifice one
for the others. I want to know that I can love my son and be there for
him without taking the frustration out on my husband. I want to spend
time with the things I love and my son and get my work done. I want to
do a good job of it all.
I think that’s why I take so many pictures of David: to prove I was
there. I saw those moments, I experienced them. The funny thing is, the
camera is the reason I don’t end up experiencing them. Capturing the
moment and being in the moment are mutually exclusive. At least for me.
As much as I love the photos, I end up missing out in a bigger way.
Each time I am in one place, doing one thing, I am feeling guilty about
not being in the other place doing the other thing. Guilty that I am not
at home feeding him. Guilty that I didn’t go to work early and finish my
overflowing task list. Guilty that I am reading when it’s one of the few
hours in the week I get to see my family.
My new plan is to put a stop to all the guilt. Life’s too short and
maybe I could see more of David if I didn’t work so much. And maybe I
could be more successful at work if I didn’t have a family to go home
to. And maybe I could spend more time reading if I didn’t have either.
But I do. And I love all of them. And I can enjoy all of them. If only I
can enjoy the moment I am in instead of the one I’m not getting to
experience.
We pick sides all the time. And I am picking mine. I will have it all.
Maybe not simultaneously, maybe not even in equal doses at all times.
But, even the small doses can be magical if I stop worrying about where
I am not and instead enjoy where I am.
“Isn’t that why you quit working at Goldman?”
Asks my innocent father when I tell him how busy my life has been with
work.
It is and it isn’t.
It has now been four months since I’ve started working at Google. Life’s
been hectic to say the least. However, it’s not the same kind of hectic
I had at my previous jobs. It’s tiring and at times overwhelming like
the other jobs were. But it’s also invigorating and exciting and
interesting and challenging. Basically, it meets all the criteria I had
when I was looking for a job. And then some…
So the last few months have been busy. When I’m not working or tired
from working, I generally try to hang out with David and Jake. I think
about writing often, but don’t actually get around to doing it. As is
the case with every year-end, I decided last week that writing more
often would be good for me. Taking photos more often would be good for
me. And reading more would be good for me. So I plan to do more of all
three. If you don’t see me writing for three consecutive days, feel free
to harass me.
All this ambition could be fueled by the almost ten days of
relatively lull activity that is sure to end within 24 hours but I am
still going to give it my best.
I have taken a ton of photos of David and some of Palo Alto. I have read
two books and making good progress on a third. I have even scrapbooked a
few pages. All in the last ten days. Let’s see how the next ten days work.
More to come later.
I’ve noticed a few days ago that I am at my most thankful lately. I
absolutely adore my husband and my son. I am finally living somewhere I
love. I am surrounded by old and good friends. I am looking forward to a
wonderful new job. I love my new house. I am making tangible progress on
the driving thing. I can’t imagine my life getting much better than this.
Many years ago, I wrote an entry about the
two-me’s.
Lately, the idea of the Ideal Self has been on my mind a lot. There have
been many occasions where I noticed that my ideas of who I hope to be in
a certain situation often get crushed by the real me.
The Ideal Me wants to be mature in a situation that might be chaotic and
frustrating but the Real Me gets annoyed, acts impatient or irrational.
The Ideal Me wants to explain things clearly and without placing blame
so we can have a productive conversation and resolve our differences,
yet the Real Me gets emotional and can’t think clearly. The Ideal Me
assumes the best and commits to situations where the Real Me freaks out
and makes things unpleasant without meaning to. The Ideal Me is kind and
compassionate regardless of how others treat me, but the Real Me gets
hurt and angry. The Ideal Me wants to make everyone happy but the Real
Me knows that’s impossible and often ends up upsetting everyone instead.
This has caused numerous problems in my personal life, in my work life,
in my friendships and relationships. Most significantly, it has made me
feel like I am continuously letting myself down.
After countless recent such events, I have realized that it’s time to
cut myself some slack and to start becoming more realistic about who I
am, what I can do and what I’d rather not. With a new job and a growing
family, time is quite rare. As I grow older and more responsible, I need
to learn to be who I am. I need to learn to graciously decline, even at
the cost of upsetting people I love. I know that, otherwise, they will
get much more upset when I do something to please them and end up
feeling resentful and frustrated. I need to learn that people get over
things relatively quickly and those who harbor resentment for not
getting their way aren’t worth dealing with.
I need to learn that there’s nothing wrong with the Real Me and that
when the Ideal Me starts taking over, I need to pay attention and make
sure that the Real Me can deliver the promises the Ideal Me makes.
So it’s been too long, I know. But to be fair, in the three weeks since I’ve made my previous post I found a new place, moved to a new house, in a new city, accepted a new job, changed my addresses everywhere, and said good-bye to one life and hello to another. I’m finally settled in and about to leave for vacation.
It’s been a long and tiring few weeks. After an unbearably long flight, I am hoping to have a pleasant, eventless, and relaxing vacation. I will do my best to post as much as possible, but I am not bringing my computer so it will depend on how much computer time I get on the island.
Be well, more coming soon.
Another quote I saved from “How to be an Adult:”
In a relationship, this may mean that both parties do not choose
to use the same freedoms or limitations. For example: You feel great
pain when I form outside relationships, even though they are not
sexual. I feel no pain at all about your outside relating. To be
fair, both of us have equal latitude in this area. To be
compassionate, I give up the exercise of my right since it triggers
so much hurt in you – without asking you the same in return.
Meanwhile with compassion for me, you have committed yourself to
working in therapy on your fear and jealousy so thaat eventually i
can related to others with no consequence to you.” The “double
standard” refers to moral issues but not to consciously compassionate
relationships.
I am a firm believer that relationships are never exactly 50-50.
Sometimes one person gives more and other times vice versa. This is
what keeps the balance together. This means when I’m having a
horrible day, it’s ok for me to ask for 75% and I won’t have to feel
like I am being unreasonable just like I can offer 85% on a day when
I’m great and he’s not. For me, this applies to friendships as well.
The above quote is a similar scenario in my opinion. Two people are
never exactly the same. They had different pasts, different
upbringing, carry different residual pain and frustration. People’s
past tends to affect who they become and what they view as right/
wrong. Therefore, the list of things that bother me in a relationship
and the list of things I don’t care about one way or another could be
drastically different than the one my loved one compiled over the
length of his life.
I believe it’s crucial to treat each person like they are an
individual with their own priorities, thus it’s unfair to set rules/
guidelines for a relationship that are always exactly equal. The
quotes example speaks to me perfectly. I think there are two crucial
keys to make this work.
1. You need to communicate. If you don’t tell me that
something bothers you, you can’t blame me for doing it. Over and over
again. I am not here to read your mind. I can’t do it and you
shouldn’t expect me to. Stand up for yourself, be honest and kindly
explain to me that something upsets you and maybe even try to explain
why if you can. Trust me that I will listen and I will care. I won’t
judge. There’s a reason you picked me to share your life with.
2. I need to willingly give up the exercise of my right.
Regardless of our relationship, I am a free person. I can say and do
whatever I want, anytime I want. Being in a relationship means I
exercise the right to not do many things because our relationship is
more important to me than those things. I choose not to do them, not
because you said I can’t but because I respect you and choose not to
hurt you. The choice has to be mine or it will feel like a chore and
it will soon give rise to resentment and anger: two things that can
kill a relationship quickly or slowly but definitely painfully.
I guess it can be summarized like this: “Tell me what you think and
trust me that I will do my best to respect you.”
I used to be very immature and force the people who loved me to do a
particular thing (or, often, not to do it) and it took me many
painful years but I learned that you can’t force anyone to do or be
anything. You can admit that people are different with differing
needs. You can share your fears and worries and hope like crazy that
the person you are with loves you enough to work on them with you or
is patient enough to wait it through while you’re working on them
yourself.
My heart jumps each time the phone rings. Sinks each time it’s not
“the call.”
I check my mail incessantly, hitting refresh in millisecond
increments. If I leave home for an errand or go to the bathroom, I
travel with all the phones. I rush back to the computer hoping it
came in the two minutes I wasn’t clicking.
I create the worst possible scenario in my mind and get myself all
wound up. Why did I even think it was possible? Who am I kidding really?
I listen to an uplifting song and get my second wind. Maybe not
hearing soon is actually a good sign. Maybe this is possible after
all. Maybe. Maybe not. Good news travels fast, they say.
Waiting is exponentially more devastating than even the worst
possible outcome, sometimes. It’s a place where the hopeless and the
most hopeful collide, leaving me incapacitated.
And still, there’s nothing I can do, but wait.
LifeHacker linked to an
article about motivation and highlighted one particular one.
#3 Socialize with others of similar interest. Mutual support
is motivating. We will develop the attitudes of our five best
friends. If they are losers, we will be a looser. If they are
winners, we will be a winner. To be a cowboy we must associate with
cowboys. Despite the glaring and very annoying
grammatical error, I must say I generally agree with the sentiment.
I’ve noticed that who you associate with has a lot to do with who you
become, what you wish for, what your goals are, and how you spend
your days. Being surrounded by your kind of people is crucial. More
so than you might imagine. And I mean physically surrounded by.
People you go out to lunch with. People you see relatively regularly.
When I lived in New York, the people I saw on a day-to-day basis were
very different from each other. The people I worked with at TFA would
never categorize themselves with the investment bankers or the
bookstore people I regularly saw. Despite being so different, every
single person I was around was interesting, intellectually
stimulating and offered a lot to learn from. I loved that. I soaked
up everything around me. Everyone’s knowledge. Everyone’s excitement.
In my environment, it was rare to run into someone who wasn’t someone
you’d want to know.
That environment made me want to become a more interesting person.
It challenged me. It motivated me. And I didn’t realize how much
until I left it. I didn’t understand how much of it I was taking for
granted. I do now. I think I did realize it relatively quickly after
we moved to San Diego, but I didn’t understand the depth of the
difference until recently.
The people around you, the place where you work, the friends you have
can electrify you. They can make you feel that you can change the
world. Move mountains. They can make you feel like you’re excellent,
deserving, inspiring. They can bring out the very best in you and
help you reach all your unrealized potential.
People around you can also bring out the worst in you. They can make you
petty, jealous, shallow. Lazy. They can make you scared of yourself
and unsure of your abilities.
Next time you pick a new friend, a new job, a new surrounding, remember this: whom you associate with determines the person you become.
It’s been a rough few weeks in the karenika household. First came
some unexpected news that really threw a wrench in the comfort of the
household, then came a death, and then came another death. All these
events meant that we made four trips across the country in the last
two weeks. David, who had never been on a plane prior to April,
didn’t take well to the redeye but was a champ on all the other
flights. He loved the Florida sunshine. He cheered everyone up at
both of the funerals and reminded people that there’s an order to
life and that the most important things is for people to come and go
in order. He also added some much-needed humor to the very sad
occasions we’ve been a part of.
We spent one of our nights in Florida in a hotel. Since David’s
bedtime is 6pm, and we had a regular hotel room, Jake and I spent
6-11pm in the very tiny bathroom floor of the Holiday Inn. Like the
time we were in San Francisco, the very close quarters of the
bathroom, coupled with the whispering not to wake the boy up, makes
for some intimate conversation. We ended up chatting a lot about
life, our goals, our dreams and all the things we were thankful for.
When we’re home, Jake and I always have an unending to-do list. There
is work to be done, books/websites to read, email, cleaning, cooking,
David, laundry, are just a few things that get in the way of us-time.
When we’re away, we know we’re not going to get anything done and we
end up having the best conversations of our marriage.
Times like these make me really glad to have David around. I tend to
get lost in the little things when I’m in a bad place and forget that
the world is great. Our lives are great. David’s the best reminder of
that. His laughs, his hugs. His beautiful face. His mere existence is
a daily reminder that we’ve already achieved one of the biggest
successes of our lives.
Anyhow, this was meant to be an apology for the lack of posts. I’ve
been making an effort to post more, partly for the few who still read
me consistently (thank you), and partly for my own sanity. The last
few weeks have been hard and thus ended up with no posts. Things are
going back to normal (I hope) and such, I am hoping to be around a
bunch more.
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projects for twenty twenty-four
projects for twenty twenty-three
projects for twenty twenty-two
projects for twenty twenty-one
projects for twenty nineteen
projects for twenty eighteen
projects from twenty seventeen
monthly projects from previous years
some of my previous projects
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