In 2002, I taught fifth grade in the South Bronx. I had a very large class and struggled regularly to keep it under control. What I learned in just a few weeks was that I had three types of students in my class: the ones who were quiet even if everyone else climbed the walls, the ones who acted out even if the whole class was quiet, and the ones who went with the flow of the class. The first two groups were always tiny. Maybe three kids in each. This meant that the the amount of chaos in the room at any moment really depended on my ability to have those three “not so quiet” students not act up. Let’s just say I failed more often than I succeeded.
Over the years, I’ve realized that humans in general aren’t very different from my classroom. There are those who have a strong sense of self that just doesn’t get swayed (at least not perceptibly) by the crowd and then there’s the rest of us. The ones who mold, shift shape, accomodate, and go with the flow.
I can’t decide which is better.
Some days, I think it’s good to be the kind of person who can shift so that she fits well into the crowd. This is what makes you a good employee, community member, PTA member, or whatever. Your ability to change and act and prioritize differently in different settings. Not all situations are the same and being able to pick up on the context and adapt accordingly is a solid skill in life.
However.
Well. There’s something so powerful in consistently being who you are. In holding on to your character. Maybe I am not comparing apples to apples here, I am not sure. But I’ve been thinking lately that I would like to be able to be myself more often. I think it comes with a deep sense of self-acceptance.
My husband sent me this video shot at Burning Man the other day. I’ve always wanted to attend the event but it just didn’t work out. He sent it to me to show that I might not like it as much as I think I would. As I watched it, I knew, of course, that this wasn’t exactly the kind of environment I would be into. I am very straight-laced. Organized. Relatively serious. I mostly wear black, gray, blue. I am not what you might consider eccentric in any way.
However I always wished I were.
I watched that video and I wished I was a creative soul, eccentric, not afraid to be a colorful person. I wished I was a more visual, liberated, freer person. The people in the video seemed so free. So…themselves.
But that’s the thing, you see.
Once I stepped back to take a good look. What I realized is that it’s not as much their eccentricity that is alluring (though it is that, too) but it’s mostly their ability to be so wholly who they are. That’s what I want for myself. Just being 100% ok with who I am. Not feeling the need to change my personality to fit in. I don’t mean that in an obnoxious way. Of course, there are orders to different settings and I can behave accordingly. But outside of that, I just would like to fully embrace who I am. My personality. Good and bad. There’s something so magical, so truly wonderful in being 100% at peace with you.
Just as you are.
Hello everyone! If you’re seeing this you’re seeing my site on the new server. Still getting things to work. Come say hi!
I don’t believe a marriage is about meeting halfway. It’s not about 50/50. To me, it’s always been 100/100. If both parties give 100% as often as they can, there’s a chance things might work out. Marriage is hard. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying.
So is parenting.
Hard.
One of the things Jake and I started doing a long time ago is following this “one thing” rule. The deal was that I tell him the one thing that matters to me most. The one area where I really really need him to give 150% and do/give what I need. And then for all the other things, I would work very hard to just let them go or work with him through them. Same for him. He got his one thing. This is not to say we don’t have many things we’d both like and that we don’t try to make each other happy in all areas. But this is just to say, if all fails and you feel tired and worn out just remember the one thing. And it also means that for as long as he’s making a genuine effort on the one thing, he’s working on our marriage and I can let the other things go. Because he can’t do it all, all the time. (Same goes for me, of course.)
Over the years the “one thing” has sometimes changed and sometimes stayed steady. But I always keep mine in mind. When I am annoyed cause he’s leaving the dishes on the counter, I’ll remind myself of my one thing and that the dishes don’t matter. Nothing matters. At least not as much as the one thing. And like the bare essentials I mentioned earlier this week, this is my one essential thing. And I keep it close to my heart and soul so I can keep all else in perspective and when life with kids and jobs and homes and cars and all the crap you need to deal with on a daily basis makes you grouchy and unable to keep things in perspective, I have my one thing.
I was thinking today that it’s a good idea to apply that to parenting, too. Just like with Jake, I get to have the one thing I need from my kids and the one thing they need from me. Nathaniel is still a bit too young to vocalize but I talked about this with David a while back and his one thing for now is being “fair,” it matters to him that I am fair across the two boys and in general. And he knows that my one thing is “honesty.” That he tells me the truth no matter what. I know this will change over time, and I will have the conversation with him regularly to make sure we keep up with changes in our lives. And when Nathaniel is older, he gets to have his one thing, too.
I also think it’s good to have the one thing for your own self and your expectations of the kind of parent you hope to be. I can beat myself up about all of the areas where I drop the ball for my kids. Between a fulltime job, schools, personal goals, marriage and many other things, it’s not realistic to think I will ever be the perfect mom (not that such a thing exists anyway.) I will drop the ball all the time. But if I have the one thing that I know I want to always have present, I can do the same thing I do in my marriage. I can hold that close and forgive myself on all others. (Or at least be kinder to myself.)
I decided today that my one thing will be “being home base.” I want my kids to know that I am always there for them no matter what. They can come to me with anything and I will not judge them and I will love them and accept them the way they are. I might scold/punish them for doing something wrong or dishonest. I might get upset. But I will never stop loving them and always be listening with an open mind. Giving them the benefit of the doubt and the gift of truly listening.
That’s the kind of mom I want to be.
So the rest I’m gonna let go. (or at least not grip so tightly) If I can accomplish this one thing. If I can truly have them see that I am there for them and that I am their one person in the world no matter what, well then I don’t care about what vegetables they won’t eat. I don’t care about not wearing the jacket when it’s cold. I don’t care about so many little things that drive me insane today. The play dates I don’t setup. The classes he’s not taking. The lunches that are imperfect. So many little things where I beat myself up. What matters is that when he needs me he knows he can come to me. Always.
That’s the one thing.
Everyday I succeed in prioritizing that, I am willing to let the others go.
Ps: After this post, I will be turning email notifications off for a while. Just to test some things out. Don’t worry, if you get this one, you’re still on the list when I turn them back on. I apologize for the inconvenience. If it helps, I post generally once around 7-8am daily and then once more around 4-6pm M-Th.
Towards the end of 1999, I spent six months in Tokyo for work. I lived in a corporate apartment in Roppongi and walked to work each day. Every weekday I started my day with an hour-long Japanese class. By the time I came back from Tokyo, I could speak Japanese relatively well. I even took some proficiency tests. (Nothing too amazing, mind you, but just enough to get by.)
I was twenty-five.
There are several areas where people seem to think that you either have an inherent ability or you don’t. Learning languages is one of them. So are most artistic abilities. Computers, too. People often tell me that they’re just not built that way. They’re not “good” at languages or good at drawing or technical stuff. Etc.
What they really mean is: I’m too lazy to put in the work.
(I know it’s harsh. I’m sorry if I made some of you mad. Bear with me.)
The things is, yes I am good with languages maybe. I had the good fortune of growing up in a multi-lingual household. I also was required to learn languages at school. My life was surrounded by people who cared and valued language-learning skills. So they prioritized it and so did I. Maybe the early infusion helped and maybe it didn’t. But here’s the real truth about what I did to learn Japanese so late in my life.
I studied.
For hours and hours and hours.
And hours.
I spent hours memorizing the alphabets. The way to write those difficult Kanji letters. All those foreign words that meant nothing to me. I worked and worked and worked to remember them. You can make up a million reasons why it was possible for me to learn this difficult language but I know it would have never happened without all that hard work. And maybe if you didn’t study languages a lot like I had, you would need more hours than I did but the trick to making it work wasn’t my wealth of knowledge. It was mostly hard work.
The one major area my past experience did help me was in showing me that I could do it. I’d managed to learn six languages before I learned Japanese. I had proof that I could do this. Even if none of the languages correlated to Japanese in any way, I’d proven to myself that I was capable of putting the work in and getting results.
So I’ll admit that the past results gave me some confidence but the rest was all hard work. And without the hard work I would have never ever learned it.
Because of this, when people tell me “oh you’re clearly good at languages, I just don’t have that skill,” I get mad. It discounts the hundreds of hours I put in to make it work. It writes it all off with “you’re good at this.”
Same goes for art. In everything I’ve tried to do in the last few years whether it be scrapping, drawing, art journaling, painting, or photography, I’ve learned that what sets the successful people apart is the AMOUNT and KIND of WORK they put in. Maybe it’s less painful for them because they feel passionate but it’s still hours and hours and hours of practice. Same for writing. Same for programming. People only get good by working hard. (The exceptions here are super-rare. Rare enough to not be statistically significant.)
Two things happened this week to remind me of how much hard work it takes to achieve things: One, Jake sent me this video today which reminded me that the athletes work so much more than we do to keep their body in shape. They work. Because to them it’s not about losing a few pounds. It’s about getting to do their passion. So they do what it takes.
And the other one was during my I Heart Drawing class. This class is on drawing fashion figures and I am really struggling. My girls look funny. My lines don’t flow. Things just never work out the way I wish they did. When I whined about it, here’s what the amazing Jane said:
“Of course you need to practice Karenika, we all do. Of course your drawing isn’t exactly as you want it – you are learning. You are meant to be making mistakes remember?! Can I flick a switch and just transmit what I know after years and years of joyful practice?”
See what she says “YEARS AND YEARS OF JOYFUL PRACTICE.” The fact is, the frustration causes me to practice less which, of course, means I don’t improve. She’s been doing this for years. She’s been doing it diligently, joyfully and putting in her hours.
And I haven’t.
So it’s no surprise that I am not “good at this.”
As upsetting as it might be to acknowledge, I’ve come to accept that the only thing standing between me and the thing I want to learn (master, be good at, whatever.) is my willingness to practice.
To put in the time.
When I was in the sixth grade, I tried to change schools. This new school had an entrance exam and was supposed to accept only one transfer, so I studied pretty much all year for this one exam.
On the day of the exam, I woke up with a fever. A high fever.
I remember that I was so sick I could barely hold my head up during the exam. So much so that the monitor came over and told me I had to sit straight (she thought I was trying to cheat, I assume.) I normally tend to finish exams well under the required time cause I go way way fast. And then I review my answers, change a bunch of stuff around, and that’s it.
This time, I had to go very slowly because my attention span wasn’t being cooperative. I took my time with each question and went super-slowly. I finished just about on time.
Since I was so sick, both my mom and I assumed that was it. A year of preparation for one terrible day was such a bad ratio and, alas, I had been unlucky and that was that.
But, of course, that’s not how the story ends.
I got into the school. In the end, they decided to take two people in and I was number two. The girl who was number one (it was a girls’ school) got into another school and chose to go there instead. So I would have ended up getting in even if they only took one person.
Over the years, I’ve thought about that exam a lot. How being sick is what might have led me to getting in. The transfer to that school likely changed the course of my life. I am not sure I would have ended up here in the United States without it (though maybe I would have since I was very personally driven to end up here no matter what.) More than anything, that day was a reminder to me that sometimes when I don’t know how to do it, the universe has a way of slowing me down.
I’ve been quite sick for the last two days. I seem to have come down with a nasty cold and have constant headaches and cannot do much without a lot of effort. Thankfully, this came at the tail end of a long weekend where I was quite productive but still, it sucks to be sick.
And even though I hate what it does to my schedule and my attention span, I’ve also learned to respect and pay attention to what it does to my life. Two significant things: One is that it makes me appreciate being healthy so much. I am lucky enough to be relatively healthy and I don’t really think too much about it. Until I don’t have it anymore. And when I am sick, I can’t even remember what healthy felt like. It seems endless. It is a good reminder to cheer for each day that I am not in pain.
Secondly. being sick gets things down to the bare essentials. The only things that get done are what really really needs to get done. Everything else goes by the wayside. And the world doesn’t end because of it. I find these days to be a good reminder of what is essential. What matters more to me than anything else.
What can’t I let go of no matter what? What is important for my soul regardless of how my body feels?
The bare essentials.
It’s a good reminder to have. Because we often get caught up in all that has to get done. Chores, todo lists, obligations, even personal todo list. Blogs that have to be caught up on. Messages to return. Etc. etc. But in the end most of those things can wait. Some can even wait forever.
The sickness takes away the sense of urgency. It forces you to slow down. It forces you to reconsider what must get done. It forces you to think more carefully.
It forces you to let go.
It’s unfortunate that the universe has to force me to take a break every now and then but, alas, I’ll take a message from the universe no matter what shape it comes in. (Well….maybe not always but that’s another conversation for another time.)
I watch a lot of TV. A lot. And I’ll be honest, each time I read about how to increase your productivity you need to turn off the TV, I scoff a little. I’ve been watching a lot of TV since I was about 15 and I often can’t do work without it on. Well, in the name of 100% honesty, I will say that most of the time I am not actually watching the TV since I really use it for the noise. I am often processing photos, doing art, or some other recurring task at the same time. When I was in high school and college, I couldn’t do my homework unless the TV was on. And I dare someone to tell me that I am not productive. TV is not the problem. At least not for me.
Alas, this is not a post about TV and whether it will kill your productivity or not.
While I am not very selective about my subject matter and watch just about anything that’s on the air between 8-11, I do make one exception: reality TV. I don’t watch any reality TV. None at all.
When this genre first came to be popular, I watched a few of the shows but it didn’t take me long to realize that they were more focused on humiliation and drama than just about anything else. And I just couldn’t take it. I couldn’t watch people’s worst sides being exposed again and again. Seeing them cry, be made fun of, or just outright humiliated was too much for me. I decided early on to give the whole genre up and have never looked back. (disclaimer: I am sure there are some truly good ones so please don’t take this as a judgement if you do indeed watch them, it’s just my personal opinion.)
After I wrote yesterday’s message, Ann commented: And as another of my friends says when other people’s chaos seems so urgent, “don’t just do something, sit there!” It’s amazing how often crazy-making people will move on to the next person on their emergency list if they don’t get an immediate drama-gratification from me. Of course, that means I don’t get to be their hero; instead I have to be my own hero. That’s substantially harder.
I’m not one of those people who slows down to watch when I see an accident on the road (unless they need help of course). I don’t try to get involved in other people’s drama. While I do also get curious sometimes, I try to stay out of gossip and negative talk. I’ve always tried to be good about this. Sometimes I failed and other times I was more successful.
But for 2012, I decided to make a more drastic change.
I’ve basically wiped out as much of the sarcasm, drama, and gossip out of my life as possible. I just decided that reading sites with negativity or sarcasm was adding to my overall discontented feeling. I’ve stopped reading super-depressing books. I’d already stopped watching the news a long time ago. I just feel like these were taking away from my life and not enhancing it in anyway. Maybe it’s because when I get into it, I am really involved, I deeply care and it ends up becoming a big part of my life. I’ve even been known to care and worry more than the original person.
So now I give it up.
This doesn’t mean a friend cannot come to me with a genuine grief or worry. Of course I am here for that. I am here to support everyone I love and care about. But I am no longer getting involved with the needless drama or gossip. In my life or online. I am trying to move away from people who favor drama and sarcasm. I am trying to focus more on positive and on the real people. I made a point to go through my RSS reader and cleared out a lot of blogs. I took my reading list and eliminated several titles.
I don’t know what it is about the spiral of drama that sucks people in but I just know it puts me in a bad place where I don’t like to be and it takes me away from being the best version of myself. So I’ve chosen to clear the noise around me.
And Ann’s right, of course, it’s hard being my own hero. But it also is so much more satisfying. And so much more worthwhile.
Things went a little crazier than anticipated last night and I ended up working late again. The good news is that I didn’t panic or stress at all about my todo list that was being completely neglected. I told myself that I would wake up tomorrow (today) and get a bunch of stuff done and feel better. I managed to not stress even a tiny bit and I was so proud of myself.
This morning I woke up and exercised and then I sat down to journal. Just as I began, I received an email about something technical that was suddenly going to require my attention. Something I really didn’t want to have to deal with but I was already stressing about it before I even finished reading the email. I sighed. Here I was ready for a calm, quiet day and this one was already going downhill and it wasn’t even 6:30AM.
Since it happened right as I was journaling, I decided it would be a good time to see if I could journal this new problem out of my system. I don’t understand how these things happen daily, I wrote down.
And then I realized the truth. I wrote, Then again maybe it’s just a sign that small annoying things do indeed happen daily and I need to find a way to let it go. Because if I let all the little things get to me then I will surely stress every single day.
We all know that’s not sustainable.
So I then told myself that I had to find a way out. A way to let all these little things go. I needed to find a way to allow these small incidents to flow in and out of my life without letting them disturb and stress me to the extent they seem to.
I journaled some more about specific ideas on how I could resolve this particular problem. It came with a lot of unknowns – which I am not a fan of. And it also depended on other people’s choices which meant there was little I could do to fix it – another situation I dislike. But alas, that’s life. Many things happen all the time that I cannot control, know, or fix. The more I grow up, the more these occur. I have kids, a husband, a home, a job. I am surrounded by things outside of me and bigger than I can conquer alone. I will need to find a peaceful way to deal with the fact that things will not always go exactly my way.
Indeed, I am now convinced, we will have small things go wrong every single day. It’s just life.
And such, I’ve decided to let them go. I will do what I can to resolve them, move them forward, eliminate what I can and then I will just accept the rest with grace and patience. I will not let it determine the quality and content of my day.
I have faith that the rate at which these things resolve themselves will not change with my new attitude. What will change is my personal happiness and sense of peace.
And I certainly would never turn away peace.
So after journaling some ideas and implementing a few of them, I just let this little problem go. Later in the day, I got a response and I did a few more things to resolve it and then I let it go again. I am hoping and planning to do that again and again until the issue is resolved one way or another.
In the meantime, I am pretty sure something new will come up tomorrow and I hope I will have the grace to handle that the same way. Letting the little stuff go has never been my strong suit. But I am realizing that the amount of stress these little things can add up to is considerable and that investing in learning how to let them go is very worthwhile.
So I am officially working on it. Time to walk more firmly and consistently in the direction of peace.
In 2010, I made a list of 52 Things I wanted to do that year. One of the list items was going to or hosting a retreat. And while it didn’t work out exactly as I’d envisioned it, we did end up having a girls’ weekend. That weekend had a lot of interesting side effects on me. But one of the biggest one was the overwhelming urge to take better care of myself. (I wrote about it some back then.)
Here’s the paragraph I wrote in 2009:
I’ve always hated having my picture taken. I think many photographers do. Anyhow, I really did. I’ve had issues with my looks for as long as I can remember. And this retreat was no exception. I just didn’t want to be photographed. For the first day or two I wore my hair up and didn’t wear any makeup (like always) but then one day, I wore my hair down and one of the girls grabbed my camera to take a photo. The shot was mostly of Nathaniel but I could see my hair in it. And it completely freaked me out.
I cannot even tell you why exactly but that one image caused a complete switch in my brain. My hair, my face, my clothes, they all disgusted me. I mean that literally. I decided that was it and I would not continue to look this way for one more minute. Yes, ideally I would exercise and eat better and look better, etc. And I do plan on doing those things, but I wanted to look and feel better about myself right this minute. Without waiting for the pounds to come off. This wasn’t something hypothetical for me. Not like “I should really do this..” but it was tangible and it was going to happen.
So I listed a few things I did back then to remedy the problem:
1. Cut off my hair
2. Buy and use basic makeup
3. Get rid of excess clothes and shoes in closet
4. Buy a new bra
5. Buy a few new clothes
6. Get some jewelry I love and wear it
These were the items I listed in April 2010. What I didn’t know back then was that in less than 6 months, I would start my daily exercise routine and end up losing over 30 pounds. But now, when I look back at that time, I know that the exercise, the finally doing it was due to that same trigger. While those tasks above gave me a short term boost (one I really needed), that boost gave me the confidence and the path to make some bigger and longer lasting changes.
This ended up having a huge trickle down effect. I lost the weight, I started to exercise daily, I started eating better, more whole foods. I started flossing. I started taking care of my hair, teeth and skin more regularly. And I started to care about taking care of myself.
I don’t mean this in the “go to the salon and get my hair and nails done weekly” way. Not that there’s anything wrong with that but I am not the kind of person who prioritizes that and I don’t this that will ever change on such a scale. However. I am trying more.
In the last few months, some of the items on my list had fallen by the wayside. My hairdresser became unavailable, the flossing…well let’s just say it took a backseat. I never got the bloodwork done that my doctor requested. I canceled my last dental cleaning appointment. On and on. Before I knew it, things were on a downward spiral.
On January 2, I was lying in bed and sent myself an email. (yes from the ipad and yes to myself. yes, i know it’s crazy.) But I had decided enough was enough and couldn’t stand it one more moment. I had to find a new hairdresser and get my very long roots dyed (this is a personal choice and I, for one, have absolutely no problem with gray hair. however mine is more like a skunk, super-white only in one spot in the front. trust me, it looks terrible.) I had to schedule a dental appointment, get my bloodwork done, and find a personal trainer. (I want to work on toning now that I did lose so much weight and I decided I need to gain some strength.) Back to flossing regularly. Putting cream on each night since it’s cold and my skin is getting dry. And learning to paint my nails. Even if just clear nail polish. I emailed myself the whole list.
Then, on January 4, I finally sat and made all the appointments and have already dyed my hair and cleaned my teeth. I’m flossing and putting cream on my skin. And I am still working on finding a trainer. And the nails. But not only have I made progress, I’ve setup recurring appointments to stop myself from falling behind again. I know that if they are on my calendar, they are considerably more likely to get done.
All this is to tell you that it makes a difference. Taking care of yourself, in big ways and small, makes a huge difference in your life. If you’re like me and tend to put yourself last and tend to put off these annoying-seeming tasks, I am here to encourage you to stop. Even if it might feel vain, here’s what happened to me:
Once I started taking better care of myself, I felt better both physically and emotionally. I started feeling proud of myself. I started feeling happier. Which then meant I was kinder and nicer to those around me. Including my family. I was more willing to go out an socialize. I felt lighter in my soul. I felt happier, more willing to say yes. It ended up having a huge positive effect on everyone around me.
And this sort of change has a snowball effect. You start by doing a little (like I did in 2010) and next thing you know you’re running three miles a day. Like they say, it starts with one step.
One single step.
So I hope you make the pact with me this year. To take better care of ourselves inside and out. Kinder, gentler to our souls and kinder, gentler to our bodies.
It’s so worth it.
One of the things I realized last year was that one of the keys to happiness and living a peaceful life was getting to know myself as well as I could. When I discovered my scrappy “voice” two years ago, scrapbooking became considerably more fun for me. I felt like I’d found my little corner and I was finally at home. And over the next year I realized more and more that life is similar. If I can figure out how I work and what I like and what I dislike in more areas of my life, I can be a lot more clear about my path, my intentions, my friends, my relationships, my choices, etc.
So I’ve been thinking about this a lot. Whenever I do or feel something, I try to step back and be more aware so that I can see if it’s one of the pieces of the puzzle that defines who I am. Journaling every morning helps me with that journey quite a bit.
This morning, as I journaled, I realized that I was feeling off. Not really upset but just off. There was an underlying level of anxiety and I didn’t like it. As I dug in deeper, I realized that it was because I felt like I still had a lot of items on my todo list for work. Some of these items were not clearly defined for me so I didn’t know their scope, making it even harder for me to have them undone.
I’ve learned over time that having things undone is not a comfortable place for me. Neither is lack of clarity. I tend to prefer clear deliverables with deadlines. And I will always, always, always deliver under the deadline. This is important to me. So because I know it’s important to me, I tend to get anxious when I have things due. All I can think about is getting them done. And this morning’s anxiety was of this kind.
So I did what I know works best for me. I sat down and got a bunch of stuff done. This helped clarify the scope of some of my items and eliminated others from my list. And guess what? Anxiety went away. Even though I didn’t actually finish the list or even clarify all the items, I still felt much better because I made solid progress and that’s what I needed.
The trick is to know what works for you.
In this case, I just needed to sit and get stuff done. There are cases where I need to sit and journal. Or get up and take a walk. When I am really really upset emotionally, I often need to take a nap so I can “reboot” and look at things with fresh eyes. If I am really really angry, I need to take a break and play with my kids so the joy and gratitude comes back and I can remember what matters most. If I am conflicted and super-frustrated emotionally, I tend to journal so I can sort out my feelings/thoughts on paper. There are cases where I just call a friend because I know I can’t resolve it on my own or just need to hear myself say it out loud.
There’s no right or wrong thing to do here. The trick is to know what works for you.
I don’t always get it right, of course. Sometimes, even when I know what I should do, I don’t do it. I whine. I wallow. I live in self-pity. I let it get out of hand. I scream. I do all these things, too. But more and more, I am trying to pay attention to what works for me so that I can have it in my arsenal of things to try when the need arises. I think the more aware I am of their existence and use, the more likely I am to look for them when the time is right.
Or so I hope.
ps: If you’ve sent me an email or left a comment in the last few days, I am deeply sorry that I haven’t replied yet. I’ve been desperately catching up on a long list of tasks and I have class tonight and a lot of work all week. So just please know that I will reply as soon as I can and I am not ignoring you in any way and also that you words are really important to me (which is why I am not just rushing with a precut reply.) I truly appreciate your patience with me.
I had a really rough morning today. Last night, I ended up working much later than I’d hoped. There were some problems and I just didn’t want to wait until today to resolve them. It meant that I went to bed almost two hours later than I usually do. As it got later and later, I told myself not to stress and that I wouldn’t let this lack of sleep and mess up in routine get to me. Tomorrow would be just fine, I said.
Then tomorrow came. And all was ok. I woke up and exercised, journaled and even sketched. I woke up the kids, made lunch, breakfast and sat to read to David. I was feeling good and proud of myself for not letting stress and tiredness get to me. I’ve been calm for the last few days and it’s been so nice.
As we got ready to walk out the door, I realized that David had left his jacket at school. This might seem harmless to normal people but he’s done this so many times before and we’ve had so many talks about it that I just lost it. I went to that bad place and started seeing dark. We went to school, me ranting pretty much the whole time. Looked for the jacket, couldn’t find it, and then I left David and got in the car with Nathaniel.
At which point, I burst into tears. I couldn’t contain myself any longer. I felt terrible about the person I was being. About how much this was upsetting me. About how it really didn’t matter and couldn’t I just get over it already? I felt shame and frustration and anger and sadness all over me. I almost turned around several times to talk to David but he was well into classes now and I didn’t want to interrupt.I emailed the teacher when I got home and cried a bit more. (I did also apologize to David later when he came home.)
Then I decided I wanted to finish my sketch and try to ease my soul a bit. Then work blew up so I had to do that. While I was working feverishly, Nathaniel swallowed one of his peanuts the wrong way and coughed and coughed and finally threw up all over himself, the carpet, and me. Once he did and got over the shock of it, he was back to his happy self, so I cleaned the carpets and everywhere else.
We cleaned ourselves up, started a wash and I got back to work. About midday, I realized that for the last three days, I’ve been at this frantic pace where there are so many things going on that I cannot catch up no matter what I do. Every time I do one thing, I am thinking about this other thing I should be doing. I get stressed and end up not finishing any of my tasks. This is true of both work and personal projects. So now I have eleventeen (i like to use that when i mean many many) tasks that are halfway there and nothing done.
This is about as far away as you can get from my “happy place.” This is the opposite of savoring and being calm.
So I just decided I needed to take a big, long breath. I stepped back from the two computers and took a little walk around the room. I sat back down, closed my eyes and decided to show myself some self-compassion (I have a lot more to say about this some other time soon) and took a big breath. And then two more.
By then, Nathaniel was awake so I got him and as he played, I made two big todo lists. One for work and the other for personal. I wrote out everything I could think of. Everything on my mind. In detail. And then I got up again. I decided I needed a break. I played with Nathaniel for 30 minutes. Hugging him, holding his hand, remembering what matters most.
And now here I am. Trying to honor that breath. My plan is to go back to my lists and tackle them one at a time. If a new one arises, it gets tacked to the back of the list unless it’s super-urgent. I know I can complete all of this in the next 48 hours if I just stop freaking myself out. And whatever doesn’t get done, will do so next week. As it turns out, none of these are so urgent that it needs to put me into a frenzy.
The frenzy is not good.
So here I am, taking a breath. Forgiving myself for a hard day. Forgiving myself for not being my best. Forgiving myself for not being my kindest. Forgiving myself for not being at my most productive. Forgiving myself for being human. Making mistakes.
With this breath, I forgive and I let go of it all.
Then I get to start again. Whole.
I was talking to my husband tonight about how I finally tracked down someone who might be able to help me find a personal trainer. We talked a bit about different options and the cost and flexibility of each and then I said, “Won’t you like it if I do this?” or something to that effect.
He replied, “Don’t do this for me. I think you’re great just the way you are.” Or something to that effect.
And I smiled.
Here’s why: Last year, at some point, I decided to change my thinking completely. I decided that everything I do will be “for me.” This applies to all areas of my life. It’s easy to make things about other people, but it also has nasty pitfalls. When you think you’re doing something for someone else, that comes with some entitlement whether you admit it or not. Even if you’re the nicest person in the world, after doing something for someone else again and again, you’ll eventually start resenting them for not doing something for you in return.
I think that’s human nature. At least in my opinion.
So instead of doing things for other people and then little by little resenting them, I decided to turn around my point of view and do everything just for me. There are some obvious cases where this is easy, like the art, journaling etc that I do for me. It’s easy to think of it for things like the exercise and weight loss too. Because while my husband might benefit from them, I certainly enjoy the outcome of my efforts wholeheartedly. So it’s definitely something I do for me.
I’ve gotten so good at this way of thinking that it works on even the not-so-obvious cases. For example, I make breakfast for my kids because it’s important to me that they eat a healthy, balanced, nutritious breakfast. I read to my son because I love reading these books for the first time or getting to reread them and share them with him. I love to see what he thinks, I love to share those moments with him. I focus on the benefit I am getting out of the experience instead of thinking how he’s lucky to have me. This allows me to remember why I do it and puts me in a space where I expect nothing in return. So I don’t resent him for taking my precious time. I am choosing to give it. To share it.
Same goes for many other things I do all day long. I take time to step back from each thing I do and think of why it matters to me. What personal benefit I am getting from it. This way I can keep the focus on me. It makes it so I feel no entitlement and no resentment.
So far, I haven’t found anything where this system doesn’t work. I still get upset sometimes and I try to catch myself. If I feel I am getting bitter or feeling entitled, I give myself a good talking to and maybe even journal. I then let it go. The thing about life is that you only have control over what you do. How you feel. So if you start doing things for other people in the hopes that they will then do things for you, you could get badly disappointed. Because people may or may not respond the way you want, hope, expect, wish. Other people do what they do. You only get to decide what *you* do. So I think it’s best to do as many things for yourself as you can.
Changing my perspective and my way of thinking has made my life so much better. Happier. Calmer. Now I am doing things for an audience of one.
Me.
All those other people in my life? They just get the side benefit of me doing things I want to do.
And it works like a charm.
One of the frequent comments I get here is about how I do it all. Where do I find the time? How do I manage? How can I possibly have time to do everything?
The answer is simple, of course.
I don’t.
The list of things I don’t do is way longer than the list of things I do each day. When people read my blog, they assume I do everything they do plus the things I do. Just like we assume a writer’s published book is how he writes or a blogger we admire has only the life she blogs about. We fill in the blanks. But we don’t fill them in accurately. Sometimes we assume the best, other times we assume the worst. We are rarely ever assuming the truth. I can even say we never do.
But what I was thinking about today isn’t even about how we are inaccurate so much of the time. It’s about quantity. I don’t think that doing so “MUCH” is an achievement by itself. Quantity is time consuming but not hard to produce. What’s harder is quality. And I don’t mean quality like creating an artistic masterpiece. I mean the quality something adds to your life.
There are some activities that lift your spirit up so much that doing them truly makes your day better. Not in the same way as checking off a to-do list item. For example, I exercise every morning. I do it as soon as I wake up, while it’s dark out and before I’ve checked my mail. It’s not an activity that lights me up. It doesn’t make me happy when I think of doing it and definitely doesn’t make me happy while I do it and often times not even after. I am just grateful it’s done. I am committed to doing it because I know it’s beneficial to my heart and body and health. But that’s it.
Then there’s the sketching. I often start my sketch while the kids are still at home and then finish it after I’ve dropped them off at school. Those 20-30 minutes spent on a page are some of my favorites in the day. When I am sketching, I don’t worry about the passage of time, I don’t feel frustrated. Most of the time, I don’t think at all. I just sit there and get into the joy of it. I feel like my sketches need a lot of work. There are many others whom I admire and wish I could be like. I yearn for more talent, better eye, clearer understanding of perspective, etc. etc. But despite not being anywhere near where I wish I were talent-wise, I still adore my sketching time. It’s an activity that definitely lights up my day.
There are other activities that add value to my life. Like the journaling helps me get organized and helps me sort out my head. This is exercise for my brain and soul just like the treadmill is for my body and heart. I need them both. But they don’t make me lose track of time the way sketching does.
So when thinking about how to spend your time, I say don’t worry about HOW MUCH you’re doing but worry about WHAT you’re doing. Are you taking care of your soul, brain, heart, and body? Are you doing things that light you up? Even if it’s one single thing. Even if it’s just for 15 minutes a day.
Sometimes we pile so much on our todo list that the whole days goes by without a moment of light. Without a moment of pure joy. When I watch my little son and see how many times a day he laughs all by himself, I find myself wishing for the same. I want to laugh with joy too. I want to do something that makes me so happy. This is not a race. And if it were, I think the ones who win are not the ones who do it all.
It’s the ones who do what gives them the most joy.
So look at how you spend your time. Look at your 2012 list. (I’m sure you have one.) Pick one thing that you know will give you joy. Don’t worry about all the others. Just do that one. Today. Right now. Do it for 10 minutes.
I promise you will be glad you did.
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projects for twenty twenty-four
projects for twenty twenty-three
projects for twenty twenty-two
projects for twenty twenty-one
projects for twenty nineteen
projects for twenty eighteen
projects from twenty seventeen
monthly projects from previous years
some of my previous projects
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