This morning started out lovely enough. David had a few hiccups but we resolved them with kindness and patience. And then the rest of the morning was nice as we ate breakfast together, read our book (we’re reading The Borrowers) and then they played together as I journaled a bit.
But then things got ugly.
As it got time to leave, I asked David to get ready and he started getting snappy. He talked back to me in a tone that’s unacceptable, to me. Even worse, it’s the kind of tone that transforms me from kind, gentle mommy to mean, hurtful mommy. I literally lose my mind.
So as we got ready for the car, I was very upset. The first thing I told him was a list of privileges he would lose for his attitude and then I just kept going and going the whole way to school. Out came the laundry list of things. I couldn’t stop the verbal diarrhea. I said things I am not proud of and things I am not sure he understood. I felt a strong need for him to “get it.” I wanted him to understand that the tone of voice was disrespectful and I wanted him to understand that we make right choices because they’re the “right” choices not because we don’t want to get caught.
I told him he needed to do be able to do what’s right because it’s the moral thing to do.
I couldn’t shake the feeling that he wasn’t getting it. I could tell he felt sorry but I just really needed him to understand so we wouldn’t have to have this conversation again.
He was crying, I was crying. It wasn’t pretty. As I dropped him off, I felt terrible that we were parting this way. I told him not to worry and that we’d work it out and that I loved him.
But the minute he was gone, I felt overcome with shame and worry.
I wanted to run right back in and tell him how much I loved him and how sorry I was for breaking his little heart. At that moment, nothing mattered except healing the hurt.
I felt so so bad all day that I journaled and then watched all of Brene Brown’s talks. (If you haven’t seen them, I cannot recommend them enough: they are truly life-altering.) And the one-line that kept sticking out to me was this:
The way blame is defined in research is a way to discharge pain and discomfort.
And, if I were being honest with myself, that’s exactly what I was trying to do: release the pain his tone gave me.
But that’s not fair.
Of course, it’s not fair. He’s seven. He didn’t need or deserve my unloading on him. He’s likely not cognitively developed enough to truly internalize half the things I was telling him and expecting of him. He’s just a kid. Not to diminish his abilities, I know he can understand that he needs to be more respectful. But he got that three minutes into our conversation. We didn’t need the other 14 minutes. I didn’t need to yell or get more upset. I didn’t need to unload on him.
Anyhow, so I bathed in shame and guilt and remorse most of the day. And it sucked.
The minute David came home from school, I sat down with him, looked him in the eye, and apologized. The first thing he said was that it was his fault. I explained that while I don’t like that he speaks to me badly and, yes, he needs to work on that, the way the morning went was my fault. I didn’t need to communicate the way in which I did and that while what he did was wrong, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with him. He’s magical and extraordinary and I will love and forgive and cherish him no matter what. I apologized and asked him to please forgive me.
And he did, of course. Because he’s kind and sweet and has a generous spirit.
His forgiveness gave me the space to forgive myself but not before I made a note to remember how it felt to live with the remorse all day. I told him that I would work hard to bring my best-self into our interactions all the time. And that I hoped he’d do the same. That I would try harder. I would try better. And then I thanked him for talking to me and for forgiving me.
And I wanted to write all this down so I could remember. I said yesterday that I believe the key to happiness (and life in general) is awareness. Writing it down helps me be more aware. Seals this moment in my brain and memory. And I am hoping this will help me remember it next time (before I start seeing black) and allow me to breathe, step back, and remind myself that this is not the person I want to be and the way in which I want to communicate.
I want to remember this remorse so I don’t have to feel it again.
Not so I can shame myself, but just so I can raise my awareness sooner next time.
I was having breakfast with a friend this morning and she mentioned that she’s been trying to meditate more often. I immediately jumped up and said that meditating five minutes a day was one of the only goals that has been on my todo list for over two months that I never ever get to check off.
When she asked me why, at first I said I really didn’t know why. I said that I had this super-structured day and I just didn’t seem to be able to find a minute to meditate until it was late into the night and then I just fell asleep. But even as I was saying it, I knew it was an inexplicably ridiculous excuse.
I seriously didn’t have five minutes in my day anytime before 9pm?
No way.
As I thought (and talked) more, I realized it was because I had all these restrictions around the concept of meditating. It had to be super-quiet which meant I couldn’t do it anytime the kids were around. I couldn’t do it when I am tired because I might fall asleep which meant night time and right after morning exercises were also out. I had to be calm and there had to be no way I could be interrupted in the middle of it so that left most of my day time out since I work and could be reached on IM or the phone at any moment.
I’d pretty much decided that I couldn’t possibly do it unless I was guaranteed those minutes were going to be completely “zen.” Or whatever my idea of optimal meditation environment seemed to be.
After suggesting some wonderful alternatives, like walking meditation, my friend mentioned that she does her meditation to music. This one song. She also said that her physical therapist recommended she meditate right after doing strength exercises so her muscles can relax.
That did the trick for me. Somehow it enabled me to let go of the unnecessary restrictions I’d placed on this one goal.
I went home, bought the song, and right after my strength exercises were done, I sat and meditated. Just for six minutes. This was the first time I was able to check off the “meditate” box in my todo list in over six weeks. It was quiet cause Nathaniel was sleeping. Work didn’t interrupt me. I didn’t fall asleep.
In fact, I felt peaceful and rested after I was done.
I’ve recently begun investigating all these unnecessary restrictions that I seem to place on my tasks. Sometimes it makes the goal seem so much bigger and more complicated than it is. And, clearly, they do not serve any purpose except to make it harder for me cross off the item.
Today, I have tangible proof that stepping back to analyze your restrictions and the true reason why you’re not accomplishing a task is really helpful. It eliminates the unnecessary and allows you to get to the crux of the issue. You still may not end up doing it but at least now it’s with awareness.
I left our breakfast thinking that awareness is such a gift. It allows me to live my life on a much higher and deeper level. It is something I want to cultivate more and more in my life.
And guess what?
Meditation helps raise awareness.
Life is circular like that. You take the first step and the universe comes together to help you take the next one.
Last night, in my Willpower class, we talked about the social aspects of willpower. Amongst other things, my teacher mentioned how people tend to not want to mention their big successes. We seem to feel like it’s socially not ok to do so. Which is extra bad, since sharing successes actually strengthens willpower and since willpower is contagious, it also helps others succeed, too.
So it’s really crucial to share and celebrate success.
the bigger the better.
I’ve always felt that it’s easier to find rough-day friends than good-day friends. There seem to be a lot of people who are willing to sit with you and commiserate. Or at least listen to you so they get get the details (and maybe feel a little better about their own life). And there are even some who truly, genuinely care and try to make you feel better.
but there are very few who can share the space with your huge successes and not make it about them. One person’s success tends to bring out other people’s jealousy and competitiveness. Weirdly, I’ve always felt the opposite way.
Seeing others succeed gives me hope.
Each time I see someone succeed, whether I know them personally or not, I feel like there’s a possibility for success. Not only do I feel happy for that person, but I just sort of feel more optimistic about the possibility of dreams coming true in general. Like that person’s success has injected hope into the world.
Eh, I am not able to explain it well. But I hope you understand what I mean. The thing is, if someone succeeds, they’re not taking my spot in the world. Their success doesn’t negate the possibility of my success. I believe this wholeheartedly. And on the contrary, I think seeing them achieve it somehow makes the goal more achievable to me. Like it can be done. Seeing someone do it makes it real. Takes it from the “dream” realm and puts it into the realm of “possibility.”
Oh I sure hope this makes sense.
Anyway, I feel like with the benefits to self as well as to community, we need to encourage people to share successes more often. Much more often.
In fact, I would so love it if you shared a recent (or not recent) success with me today. However big or small. I would love to hear it and celebrate your success with you.
One of the lessons that came out of my Science of Willpower class was that stress inhibits self-reflection, self-awareness, and self-control. So stress ends up making you want things and shuts down all areas of your brain that can remember your high-level goals.
Which must be why I eat when I am stressed out.
While I believe living a structured, organized life is helpful, I find that stress is not. I think most people equate the two and there are times when that might be true, but it doesn’t have to be so. The more realistic you can be about your day, the easier it is to stick to your schedule and not provoke a stress response. Especially now that I know stress actually shuts down your body, it seems silly to work yourself into a frenzy in an attempt to be productive.
For me, stress often feels like a big bucket of heavy water I carry around. I have to be careful not to spill a drop and my back hurts from the constant load. I know it doesn’t serve me and I know that when I am stressed out, I am not my best self. Which then causes me to do things that upset those I love, which then makes me upset, which, of course, stresses me out.
The loveliest of vicious circles.
So what we discussed in class is figuring out what helps you relieve stress. My friend Caroline likes to run when she’s stressed. While I’ve grown to tolerate running and can even see how it might clear the mind, it will never make my list. One proven item is being in nature. There’s something about seeing the sky and trees that your brain responds to and I can attest that if I can make it out the door to take a walk, I always come back less stressed out.
Other things that work for me are: playing music really loud, hugging my kids tight, journaling, art, and reading.
And I’ve learned something else last week. While I love being at home, sometimes I get stuck in a rut. So, going out to Starbucks and sitting there with my ipad and watching movies from my classes really really lifts my mood. It transports me to a good place and, after a little while, I feel refreshed, and look forward to going home and hugging my kids. So, now, I try to go out regularly. Even if for a little while. It seems to wash away my stress better than anything I can do at home.
That’s my goal this year. To pay attention and regularly take time to unburden my soul. Do whatever I need to, to let go of what doesn’t serve me. If stress shuts down higher thinking then I am absolutely useless when stressed out anyway. Instead of churning and getting myself more and more and more worked up, I need to let go.
Remember that it’s better to take the time, unburden my soul and then tackle whatever it is.
The last few weeks have been really not-so-great for me. I can’t even put my finger on the why. For a while, I was grumpy, and then down right grouchy. Angry. And then we went on vacation and I felt peaceful for a few days. But we came back and it was hectic and I was frustrated again. Rushed. Stressed. And then I started feeling sad and small. Something I really, really dislike because when I am sad and small, I go to the pessimistic place and it becomes this cycle that’s hard to break. So I’ve been very conscious of it and I’ve been trying to journal regularly to see if I can sort out what’s going on and what’s perpetuating my negative feelings.
And this morning I realized, one of my problems was the people around me.
I’m continually amazed at how much we live our lives by comparing to others. Or maybe it’s just me. But even though I am really content with where I am right now and very, very grateful, I still seem to compare, consciously or not. It’s not that I want the yacht or a house in Tahoe, but when I am surrounded by people who seem to have “succeeded” so much more than I have, I start doubting myself. I feel small and unaccomplished and even more, I feel like I must have done something wrong. I must have somehow not done enough with what was given to me. I was very lucky to be supported and loved both financially and emotionally. I got to go to a very good school and I made sure to study hard and make the most of every minute. I’ve always been conscious of my good fortune and worked hard not to let it go to waste. Which is why, I think, I feel bad when I meet others around my age who have so much more. Who accomplished so much more.
I feel like maybe I wasted the hard work of those who supported me. Maybe I could have been more so it would be more worth it for them.
I also feel this way around my kids. I feel like I don’t give them enough. I am tired too often and choose to “relax” more than spend time with them or hug them or meet their needs. I worry I am messing them up. I worry I am not giving them all that they deserve. Because, I tell you, my kids are really amazing. I got super-lucky. And I don’t want to take that for granted for a moment. But, I know that I do sometimes. And, again, I can’t stop feeling like I am squandering something precious.
And then I meet others who are truly struggling. At a much more basic level and I remember how much I do have and how lucky I am. How I don’t have to worry about having a roof over my head or food on the table. How I have a great job and amazing family. And that, too, makes me feel inadequate on a whole different level. I feel like I am not grateful enough. I don’t help others enough. I used to spend so much of my time volunteering and haven’t done so in a long time. I feel like I take so much for granted. I whine about such inconsequential stuff.
So looking on either side makes me feel bad. Makes me feel like I don’t measure up to the human I wanted to be. I could be. I should be.
This is what makes me feel small.
But then I remind myself that I am not these other people. No one has had the same life I’ve had. I don’t know what goes in their lives and I have no idea if they’re measuring up to their goals. I can’t compare bits and pieces of their life to the whole of mine. And I’m exactly where I want to be at this moment. I have this amazing life. I am doing the best I can most days. Yes, I fail sometimes. I do things I am not proud of. There are many other things I want to do. To be better at. But I am working hard at balancing everything. Trying to keep my good job that I worked hard to earn. Trying to be a good mom to the kids I am gifted with. Trying to be a good wife to a generous husband who always lifts my spirit. Trying to regularly look within, improve, be happier, be better. I am trying. I might not be super-successful at one thing, but I do think I am doing ok on many levels and, most importantly, I am focusing on choosing peace and joy again and again. Trying to make the most of this magical life. My magical life.
And, in the end, I truly think that’s what matters most.
Let me know if this helps and if you have any other questions.
And two small things to mention:
1. I apologize I’ve been exceptionally bad about emails and comments lately, I will catch up soon, I promise.
2. I am in the process of reenabling emails so if you’re subscribed to receive posts over email, you will slowly start getting them again.
Many, many years ago, I did Weight Watchers. I will say that it worked like a charm and I lost quite a bit of weight which I kept off until I got pregnant. But Weight Watchers gave me a gift that I think is bigger than the weight loss.
It created a number value for each food.
For those of you who never did it, the way WW used to work (it’s slightly different now) was that you got a number of allotted points each day. Let’s say 18. And then each thing you eat or drink has a point, too. You can basically eat, drink and be merry until you reach the magic number. Of course, it has quite a few subtleties but that’s the gist of it.
So, for a programmer, having a number value associated with food makes life so much easier. For me, the choices became much simpler. The first thing I eliminated was the stuff I like only a little bit but had huge points. For example, pizza. I know some people love pizza but I can take it or leave it. And now that I know how many points it is, I pretty much leave it. Same for muffins. I like them ok but they are so not worth the points.
So my first lesson was to learn about how many things I eat that are just ridiculously bad for me. For things I adore, like chocolate, that might be worth it, but for things I could go either way on, it clearly wasn’t. I’ve pretty much eliminated those things permanently. This only works because I wasn’t crazy about them to begin with and so I never crave them.
The second, and bigger in my opinion, lesson I learned from Weight Watchers was to make my points count.
This is not about choosing a big, whole meal that’s 8 points over a piece of chocolate that might be the same number. (Though that was good to know too. And sometimes I chose the chocolate anyway but at least it was a conscious choice.) But what I learned was making sure that if I was going to eat the chocolate and get the 6 points, I better eat the BEST chocolate I could find. The one I was really, truly going to enjoy. So that every single one of those points counted.
Ever since I did weight watchers, I never settle for my indulgences anymore. I get the best chocolate or the best dessert. I only eat the ice cream that I truly love.
The other day, I was at Starbucks and I’ve been really addicted to their Cake Pops lately. But they were out of the one I like and so I picked another bite-sized dessert instead.
It was terrible.
Someone else might have loved it but I knew that it didn’t fulfill my chocolate need the way the cake pop did and thus I felt unsatisfied. And, worse, I’d just wasted my valuable points (not to mention money) on something that wasn’t delicious. I made a point to remember that next time my favorite item was out, I wouldn’t substitute. (Ahem, instead, I drove to another Starbucks and got my cake pop!)
I think this idea can be applied to many areas of life. Not just calories but time and money, too. You have limited amounts of each. Make sure that you’re spending them on what matters most. Make every little bit count. Don’t settle for the crappy chocolate. If you’re going to do it, do it right.
I want to be clear that I am talking about an apples to apples comparison. I am not saying eat a 32-point cake instead of a 6-point piece of chocolate. I am not saying go on a $5,000 vacation instead of the $200 one. I am saying all things being equal, pick the super-delicious (for you) 6-point chocolate over the mediocre 6-point one.
I am grateful to Weight Watchers for the lesson it inadvertently taught me. So, now, I buy the best chocolate. I go to another store to find the item I really want. I don’t settle and waste my precious points. I only watch the TV shows I love. I only read books that fulfill me. I do art that I love. I commit to things I know will bring me joy.
We all have obligations in life. Things that are out of our control and things that we wish we could do differently. Things we do that we wish we didn’t have to. Things we don’t do that we wish we got to. Much of life cannot be altered easily. But there are bits we do get to control. However small or big. The goal is to make the very best of those moments. To make sure that in the things we do get to control we are choosing to honor our bodies, souls, minds, hearts by making the choice that is truly aligned with who we are. With what makes us happy.
If you’ve been reading here with any regularity, you’ll know that I live a relatively structured schedule. I’ve always thought that the structure allows me to get more things done. As it turns out there is a correlation between “willpower” and “structure.” The more things are scheduled, the less they require use of willpower. You don’t have to motivate yourself to do it. You do it cause it’s the next thing on the schedule. This is also why “every day” works better than “3 days a week.” Because if it’s every day, you can’t put it off to tomorrow. It has to get done today and tomorrow and every other day.
I understand that structure doesn’t work for everyone. I respect that we’re different. But I also challenge you to give it a try. Pick one thing and create a schedule around it. Just for that one thing. It can work like magic. And getting to keep more of your willpower to then use on other things is just an added bonus.
Having said that, I have had times where my own schedule stresses me out. Some days, a lot of unexpected things pile up and I find that my sketch (that I usually do at 8:30am) is still not done at 6pm and I am stressing. At that point, I have two choices: I can let it go or I can let the stress go and just tell myself it’s a choice I made and it will bring me joy to sit and work on it.
Letting it go is the easy thing. Ok maybe not for me. But it still feels like the easy thing. At the end of those kinds of days, I feel wiped and frustrated and all I want is to lie on the couch and watch TV or surf the net.
But here’s the thing….
On the days when I do let it go, I am always bummed when I go to bed. I feel a small feeling of self-disappointment and a big feeling of blahs. For me, TV or net-surfing is like cool-whip (in Melody’s terms): it’s an activity void of soul-lifting. I can do it for hours and I feel just as empty (if not more) afterwards. Whereas if I do the hard(er) thing and sit at my table and sketch, within 15 minutes, I am completely engrossed and by the end I feel more fulfilled and my soul is much happier.
However, there are times when the activity I’ve put off on my schedule is not soul-restoring and/or I am truly wiped and I need to get sleep. So now we’re not talking soul-less web-surfing vs. sketching but sleep vs. something that doesn’t have to get done. It’s on the schedule cause I put it there. I would like to do it but the idea of doing it is causing me a large amount of stress or guilt when instead I really really need the sleep.
In that case, I get sleep.
As a side note, I have learned to prioritize sleep over pretty much anything. Sleep is important for my body and soul and brain.
The idea here is threefold:
1. Structure is good for you. How much structure and what to put on the schedule is up to you and make sure to keep a good balance between encouraging and suffocating.
2. Sometimes things don’t work out and your schedule goes awry. Remember that you created those activities for a reason and remember to choose what lifts your soul over the mind-numbing activities even when you feel you’re too “tired.”
3. If you’re actually tired (and not just being lazy like in step 2) then remember that you created the schedule and you can let it go. Sleep trumps pretty much everything.
Letting yourself off the hook for one day does not mean throwing the schedule out the door. Sleep, rest, and get back in the game tomorrow. We get a fresh start every day.
And if this happens a lot, review your schedule. Change it. It’s yours. It’s there to serve you. If it’s not serving you, change it.
I look at my schedule as a way to give myself permission to do the things I want to do. It’s not my chore-list. I don’t put the laundry or dishes on there. Ever. I put my own tasks. Sketching, exercising, journaling, etc. Things for my soul. In my opinion, even those things can require willpower. Putting them on the schedule gives me permission and allows me to do them without depleting my willpower.
And each time I check something off, I lift my soul up just a little bit more.
For reasons that aren’t clear to me, I’ve been considerably grouchy lately. It’s been going on long enough that I am angry at myself for being grouchy, which, of course, makes me grouchier. It’s a stupid cycle because being grouchy makes me do things that aren’t good for me. I make bad choices and then I feel ashamed or frustrated or angry. But I am too grouchy to break the cycle so I keep making them and getting more upset. Letting myself down.
It’s a vicious cycle and doesn’t serve me at all.
One of the exercises I’ve done in several of the classes I took last year was to think about where my peace is. What brings me peace? This is not to be confused with joy or happiness. It’s not about what makes me proud of myself. It’s not about what makes me laugh.
It’s just about peace.
And, for me, that often means calm and quiet and a deep sense of belonging in the world. Being 100% content. For others, it might mean something completely different.
So the first step is knowing what peace means for you. Then the next step is knowing what situations, people, times, things, places create that sense of peace for you.
I discovered that there are a few things that put me in the peaceful mindset. One of them is looking at the sea. There’s something about endless water that calms me down immediately. The same effect is created by Redwood trees. Something about the expansiveness of nature. I also feel peaceful in the night or early morning hours when my kids are sleeping and I don’t have anything I have to do. Walking with loud music (or classical music) blaring in my ears. Hugging my kids. Holding hands with my husband. Curling up with coffee or tea and a good book.
These are simple. But I don’t do them often enough.
I think I need to make a list of twenty or so things that make me feel peaceful. This way, when I am grouchy, I can look at my list and hope that one or two will be appealing and possible at that moment.
As for this week, tomorrow I get to do a few of the items on my list and I am already feeling grateful for the opportunity. I am hoping that at least one of them will work and I can finally shake off this grouchiness.
I often get emails from friends and readers who comment about how they’re amazed at how open I am and how much I am willing to share on the blog. And how they love it but would never be able to share as much as I do. If you’d known me as a kid, you’d find it even more fascinating.
I was the most private kid I know. I wrote diaries all my life and locked them and carried them everywhere with me. I told my secrets to no one. I mean no one. My best friend kept telling me how unfair it was that she told me everything and I told her nothing. I wasn’t trying to be unfair. I wanted to tell her things too.
But I just couldn’t.
Somehow I felt like the world would end if I said anything out loud. She’d make fun of me. She’d tell others. She’d think less of me. Whatever. You name it, I worried about it.
So I stayed mum.
All the way to college, I wrote. Even during college, I kept diaries sporadically. So people who knew me as a kid would be amazingly surprised that I share things so publicly.
But here’s the thing: there’s a big difference between personal and private.
While I do share a lot of personal thoughts, feelings and sometimes bits of events here, I never share what I consider to be private. I rarely ever talk about my husband. I don’t share intimate details of our marriage or my kids’ lives (at least what I consider to be intimate). I believe in keeping private things private. To me, this is the biggest issue with blogging while you’re “raw.” I’ve had friends start blogging after a big breakup or some other personal event and they use the blog to vent, breakdown, or just get things out of their system. I don’t believe the blog is the best medium for that. (This is just my personal thought, I respect other people’s thoughts, too and I believe each person should do what feels right for them.) I remember about ten years ago, my husband was worried about all my blogging, so I printed out all my posts up until then and he read them all and saw that there really was nothing private in them.
Most of what I share is as an example to a bigger concept, feeling, thought I am trying to explain. Most of what I share is about me.
And here’s what I learned: I like sharing about me.
I like writing about my thoughts, feelings, days. Not only is it a record of where I am right now in my life but it’s also my way of connecting to a world much bigger than my physical one. It allows me to have conversations with people who feel the same way (or who feel very differently) and I love that dialogue. And I’ve learned that for that kind of dialogue to happen, someone has to start talking. Someone has to initiate.
I am a big believer in connecting through dialogue. Sharing knowledge. Sharing perception. Sharing ways of looking at life.
Sharing stories.
I think we need more people sharing stories. It is through others’ stories that we feel less alone in the world. It is through others’ authentic (not glossy) stories that we feel connected through the good and the bad.
So I do what works for me. Over the years, my blog has changed with me and I posted writing, photography, knitting, art, scrapping, and everything else I did over the thirteen years I’ve been doing this. And through all that, I had words. I shared the personal. I used it as a place for me to collect my life, my thoughts, my stories. And to connect.
I try to be open and honest here. I do share the personal. But I keep the private for my journal. For me, that’s where the line is drawn. I don’t mind being vulnerable and honest as long as it’s not something I consider private. And your line might be somewhere wildly different than mine. Maybe you do consider some of what I share private. Some people consider any sharing private. That’s totally ok with me. I’ve been lucky enough to receive nothing but good will and kindness for what I share. But I completely understand the worry others might have.
I know the younger Karen would have worried too. She would have kept her blog private (assuming she ever had one.) We all have to do what feels right for us. I believe that wholeheartedly.
But, this Karen loves being here. I love sharing. I love the rewards of knowing I am not alone.
Which also comes back to those of you who comment and email. Thank you. While I try to write for myself, my biggest reward is you and your willingness to reach out to me.
Alas, it appears I don’t feel like writing today. It’s not often, but it happens every now and then.
So instead of leaving you empty-handed, I will share the video I made for my friend Nathalie’s January Jumpstart class. We were each asked to do a video on how you get inspired to be creative.
Here’s my video:
And if you found me through Jump Start so this is a repetition for you, I apologize for repeating it.
As I’ve mentioned before, I am taking a local class this semester called The Science of Willpower. This class gets more and more fascinating each week. I always find myself wanting to write about it here but I can’t ever seem to get organized enough to do so. This week, however, some of the things my teacher mentioned hit home so much that I knew I had to take the time to write it down here.
This week’s topic was The Abstinence Violation effect. This happens when you have a goal and then you do something that you’d consider a ‘slip.’ For example, you’re on a diet and then you have a chocolate chip cookie. You were “abstaining” and you violated that. Makes sense? So if you were to do that, what do you think would happen next? Many of us would think that you would feel super-guilty and shameful and this guilt and shame would stop you from slipping again. Right?
Alas.
Not the way the brain seems to work.
There’ve been several studies that prove that the more you feel guilty/shameful about slipping, the more likely you are to slip AGAIN and AGAIN. And possibly slip worse.
Makes no sense?
Well, it’s as if once you slipped, you (and your brain) goes into the what-the-heck mode and you figure you already messed up so you might as well mess up more and more.
But here’s the even weirder part.
After you slip, if you take a moment and tell yourself “That’s alright. I messed up. I am human and many others mess up all the time, too. I forgive myself.”
You are now LESS likely to slip again!
Fascinating, no?
So the cure to the abstinence violation effect is: self-compassion. If you take a moment to be aware, let go of the shame/guilt and then show yourself some self-compassion, you can more easily get back on track. Many people think forgiving yourself means letting yourself off the hook. It appears that’s not the case. It’s the key to getting back on track.
I found this to be fascinating and extremely important. I live with a lot of goals. I work hard on my goals but I certainly slip often. And knowing the effect of shame vs. self compassion is really crucial in being able to get back on track sooner than later.
So there you go, if you’re anything like me, next time you slip, remember the rule: no shame/no guilt.
