I’ve written quite a bit about how I don’t like to have my photo taken. That post is what started my family photo journey and I am deeply grateful for it. While I still don’t really care to have my photo taken, I’ve grown accustomed to seeing it and I do cherish the family photos very much.

There are many things that bother me about my face (and body) and I can list them for pages and pages. But the one thing that I don’t seem to mind is the lines on my face. I am always surprised when people around me look at their picture and comment on how old they look because of the lines around their mouth or eyes.

To me, that’s just a sign that you lived.

Not only do they not bother me but I am a huge fan of crow’s feet. They mean you smiled.

A lot.

There are signs of aging that are negative (in my opinion) because they point to neglect. Like not taking care of your body or teeth, etc. Like eating unhealthy food and not exercising (moving) enough. I’ve got a lot of these, too. I’ve been working in the last two years to fix these. It’s considerably harder to fix them when you’re as close to your forties as I am. But it’s not impossible. And I believe that anything that makes me stronger and possibly live longer (so I can see my kids grow and have families of their own) is worth trying.

Even the graying of my hair might bother me some times. Though I think that’s more conditioning than my personal opinion. Left to my own devices, I think I would have let my grays grow out. I find other people’s gray hair elegant. But I can see how it might feel unkempt to some people. I can understand gray hair as the sign that we’re getting old cause it’s not something that’s an outcome of something we actively do. It’s just the way hair changes over time.

But the lines are a direct result of smiling a lot. Of living life. Of facial expressions you’ve made over the years. To me, they always, always seem to represent happiness. Joy. It’s like the map of all the good times you’ve had.

I know you might get wrinkles on your forehead from frowning or worrying, too, but the crow’s feet is a clear sign of smiling. I would take a million crow’s feet over sorrow any day of the week.

And twice on Sunday.

Today was a good day.

I know I’ve mentioned it before but I’ve been having a rough time lately. And when I’m in a place like this, I tend to only see the dark and pay attention to the bad. And then these good days get lost completely. They get enveloped inside the black and it’s as if they were never here. As an effort to pause more and pay attention to the good in my life, I wanted to remember this day.

The amazing thing is that no one thing made today a good day. So this read will be boring for most of you and please feel free to skip it.

I woke up at 5:30 with Nathaniel making noises in his crib. I had gone to bed at 9pm the night before so 5:30 was actually not too early, so I got up, got him, and came downstairs. I checked in on work and Nathaniel sat with me for just a few minutes and then David was awake, too. I took both boys in the garage and started my exercise. David read and Nathaniel played with the toys in the garage while I watched movies from Christy’s Your Living Canvas class. I ran my 3 miles and then showered and we all got dressed. (While I was exercising, Jake woke up, showered, and left for work.)

Then we sat down to have breakfast (oatmeal+fruit) and while the kids ate, I read from our current book, Savvy. (We’ve been reading this one for a while.) After breakfast, the kids brushed their teeth and we walked Nathaniel over to his school.

After we dropped Nathaniel off, David and I stopped by the corner store and got a hot chocolate for him and a latte for me and we got a sugary muffin and walked back home. I cut the muffin in half for us to share and started my morning sketch. After I was done sketching, I sat on the couch and started working. David sat next to me and read Harry Potter on the old Sony ereader I have. We both quietly worked for about two hours.

I got one of the bigger items on my work todo list done and one of the major ongoing issues I’ve been tracking had a good day today. So those were some good news for work. I also spent most of the day quietly working and getting things done. At noon, David and I walked back to Nathaniel’s school to pick him up. We ate lunch and then Nathaniel went down for his nap. David worked on his science book, wrote a little and then continued to read Harry Potter. I worked more. When it was time to wake Nathaniel up, David was still engrossed in his book and hadn’t realized quiet time was over.

We all went back down and the kids had a snack while I worked more. Then David got to have his computer time while Nathaniel played or watched him. Then it was time for veggies and dinner. This is the only time in the day that was a bit rough for me. Work’s always a bit extra chaotic during this time of day and the kids don’t just sit and eat. There’s a lot of “Come on, keep eating.” so I tend to get frustrated. Usually Jake’s home to give the kids dinner, but he’s at a conference today.

After the crazy of dinner was over and teeth were brushed again and the gratitude journal was written, we all tidied up the house a bit as the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow and it’s not possible for her to clean if there are toys everywhere. Then we reviewed David’s science work from quiet time. And now the kids are watching 20 minutes of TV (well David’s watching and Nathaniel’s playing) while I take a break and write this. (I also took a 15-minute break earlier today to do my 31 Things writing.)

Assuming Jake’s not back in the next five minutes, I will bathe the kids and then it will be bed time. David gets to finish up one section he missed in his science work and then he can read more Harry Potter (which he’s dying to do) for about an hour before he has to sleep. I was supposed to go to book club tonight but if Jake’s not back in time, I will stay home and do an art journal page instead. If I finish that early, I have photos to process for my Weekly Update and Savor Project. I’ll probably sneak a few looks at work just to make sure all is ok. And then it will be time for bed+book for me, too.

A perfectly ordinary day.

But here’s the thing:

1. I didn’t yell today. Almost at all. I was calm and relaxed for almost every minute of it.
2. There was no emergency at work. No stressful conversations. No unresolvable worries.
3. I loved sitting with my kids and working while they played.
4. I ran three miles.
5. I took two walks outside in the sun (to drop off and pick up Nathaniel.)
6. I worked quietly but diligently and consistently.
7. I did my exercise, sketch, and 31 Things. I also am posting my blog post. I even ate relatively well today.
8. No one cried or whined or fought almost all day.
9. I felt peaceful and not stressed out.

All of these together made for a simple, ordinary, but wonderful day. I have a lot I didn’t do and I’d still like to get organized for the summer. But for this one ordinary day, I feel content, calm, peaceful.

I wish I had a camera that could capture this feeling. But since there isn’t, I am writing it down so I remember.

So I pause.

So I know these days are here too, in the middle of the black. They exist and they sustain me. The dark ones will come again but so will the light ones and I need to let those shine brighter.

So I can remember.

I’ve been doing a lot of writing and thinking lately, partly thanks to the classes I’m taking. As well as Christy’s class that I mentioned yesterday, I’m also taking Ali’s 31 Things class this month, too. I debated a lot with myself over this class, partly cause I was planning on being gone for part of it and I didn’t want to do it halfway and I also wanted to make sure I could take my time with each of the pages. But, in the end, I decided to do it anyway. I did a whole lot of prep so now I feel more confident that I will be able to get through the whole class without stress.

Anyhow, this class has a new “word” everyday to encourage you to write about that topic and yesterday’s topic was “you.” There were some prompts by Ali and as I was filling mine, some of the same thoughts that I’ve had for a few years came back to the surface. With my word, “savor,” this year, I’ve wanted to channel the feeling of calm. Awareness and leaning into the joy, too. But also the calm that comes from being at peace, from not letting things take over.

This morning, I thought I had a meeting at David’s school, so I dropped Nathaniel early and we stopped to get a coffee and then I walked David into his classroom. I still had about 10 minutes before the meeting, so I sat outside in the sunshine and read my mail on my phone. I felt a deep sense of calm. I didn’t have anything I could get done in that ten minutes. I had given myself the time off and I just sat there, basked in the sun. I felt so calm and peaceful.

After I found out the meeting had been cancelled, I drove home and told myself that I would do more of these stolen ten minutes in my day. It’s not good enough to let myself of the hook at home, I need to go out, be in the sun, and just be in that very moment.

And I do think I can do that.

But it’s not enough. What I want to know is how to be calm when everything is happening at once. When people from work are contacting me over IM and my kids are running around making a lot of noise and one of them starts crying and I spill my drink on myself all at the same time. Because these things happen. I seem to have at least four of these every day. Some are smaller moments and others are bigger. But each of them cause me to completely go over the edge. I scream, I feel instantly frustrated, I start seeing black and I lose all sense of reason.

Not to mention calm.

I want to get better at handling these moments. I have two young children. Two boys. I have a demanding job which I am proud of but working hard at. I choose to work from home. I am grateful to work from home. So, since I am marrying my two worlds, and since I love the advantages of that, I’m going to have to find a way to start becoming calmer in the face of chaos.

It’s not even about taking a breath or two (or three). Though I know that helps. But I think I need a more fundamental shift in the way I look at things, in the way I handle things. A combination of changing some things and letting other things go. I haven’t figured out the magic yet. (Far from it.)

But from what I felt of that sense of pure calm and peace today for those ten minutes, I know I want more of it. And even if I can’t be that great during those chaotic moments, I can at least not go to that “bad place.”

Though I’m gonna aim for calm.

Secretly, that’s what I truly want to be.

I was watching Dan Gilbert’s TED talk on Happiness this morning while I exercised. There are a lot of interesting tidbits in the talk but the one that spoke the most to me this morning is about choice. And how having more options makes you unhappier.

It’s also interesting how adaptable humans are. How we always seem to want to regress to the mean which is why, I assume, happiness levels normalize after a major change on either direction. And I guess it’s another example of less choice leading to just adapting and readjusting happiness levels.

But the idea that if we’re given fewer choices and fewer options to change our mind, then we’re happier with the outcome we had is quite fascinating and one worth thinking about. It means that, for the harder things in my life, if I don’t look at them as options but as irreversible decisions, I am more likely to be happy with them. That sounds counter-intuitive but maybe that’s why it’s worth extra attention.

I know Dan talks mostly about how we inadvertently just think we made the better choice when we have no opportunity to change our mind, but I was thinking more about situations where we think we have a choice and how we might be able to use this knowledge of “fewer options, more happiness” idea to our advantage. I think that if I am struggling with my marriage and think of divorce as a non-option, I am more likely to try harder to make it work. Either by overlooking the small things, or actually dealing with the bigger issues, etc. (Barring severe cases of legitimate reasons for separation, of course.) Same for work or other commitments. If getting out of the situation is a non-option, it makes it clearer in my mind. Cause I am not questioning whether I made the right decision anymore. The decision is made, it can’t be changed, so the only way to move is forward.

So we move forward.

We go through.

And we come out on the other side. Adapt. Change. Make it work. Find a way to be happy with it.

Because when there’s no other way out, we know we have to do the work.

So I decided today that I want to use this as a way of thinking for myself. It sort of connected with Tara’s post from yesterday for me. Less pining. More making it work. I decided that I won’t worry about routes I didn’t take, options I don’t really have. I won’t second-guess my decisions, my possibilities. I will just think of my decisions and choices as final (at least for now) and move forward. And I will have faith that the lack of dubiousness will result in happiness.

It seems at least worth a try.

People often email me or leave comments about how I am so willing to show my vulnerability. The thing is, I am a firm believer in sharing vulnerability. I think that’s one of the only ways in which we connect with others. When we throw “looking good” and “being fake” out the window, then we’re left with just the bare bones of who we actually are.

And, let me tell you, we’re all flawed beings. We just are. And life complicated. It’s messy and difficult and challenging. Throw a bunch of flawed people into a complicated world, and things get even messier.

For me, this is just the reality of life.

Just like the fact that we are each magnificent and wonderful. And that life is a gift full of new surprises every day.

I think the deep lows and the huge highs are both there simultaneously for both life and for each human. There are things we are great at and things we suck and and a lot in between. And there are parts of our life that are deeply challenging and other parts that are magnificent beyond our dreams. We don’t always notice all of these things simultaneously but I truly think they are all there at the same time.

So at any moment in time, we’re struggling with something. And my bet is that someone, somewhere is struggling with the same thing. Maybe not in the exact same way, but with the same issue. And feeling crappy, worthless, and alone. Just like I am at that moment. And I find that, often times, when there’s no cure for my problem, the first thing that helps me feel better is being vulnerable. Admitting my sorrow. My weakness. I feel like as soon as I put it out there, I already feel a little better. My urge is usually to sit with my sorrow and wallow and feel alone. But it never works. It just perpetuates the thought that I should be perfect. That my flaws must mean I am unworthy.

But they do not.

Let me say that again:

my flaws do not mean that i am unworthy.

Each time the conversation in my head goes in this direction, I remind myself that I believe we’re flawed. I believe all humans are flawed. Some of us might hide it better. But it doesn’t change the facts.

And I also believe that humans are good in their core. We all wish to connect and be acknowledged and seen. So I don’t believe that my showing my weakness is going to make someone take advantage of me. Instead, it will allow someone else feeling the same way to connect. To feel less alone. To realize that there are others struggling in the same way. And if there are many of us, we can help each other. We can be strong together.

We can lift each other up.

We can remind each other that we are all worthy. All of us.

And it all starts with being vulnerable. Someone, somewhere has to take the first step.

I don’t mind doing that. I am always grateful for those who are brave around me. Those who pave the road for me. Those who stand up for things. And I think being vulnerable is one of those things. Something we all need to show more to the world. Something we all need to be more comfortable with. So that we can all realize we’re in it together.

Maybe it starts here cause I feel like people here are kind to me and don’t know me in real life so it’s safer.

Either way, a step is a step. And each step makes you braver. So I take my first steps here.

And hopefully create an environment where you can be vulnerable with me.

Together we can forgive each other, give each other strength and remind each other that we are worthy.

No matter what.