Yesterday, I went to an all-day silent meditation as part of a class I am taking. There’s a lot about that day’s experience that I am still processing but there are two things that I wanted to share with you today. One is this beautiful children’s story.
and the other was this wonderful poem from Rumi:
The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
~ Rumi ~
It really spoke to me. I am off tonight to another adventure and didn’t have a lot of words yet but didn’t want to leave you without anything (and wanted to make sure I remembered these two important parts of experience from yesterday.)
hope you like them.
I learned (relearned) today that everyone has his own perspective. We go to the same meeting or attend the same event, but come away with very different thoughts. Very different take-aways. Very different emotions. It is quite fascinating to watch.
But nothing new, of course.
This is always true when two people interact. It’s even true when we’re alone. Think of a book you read that really made you think or feel strongly. You can read the same book ten years later and walk away with completely different thoughts/feelings. Clearly the book itself didn’t change. You changed. You way of looking at the world (or at least at the contents of the book) changed. Depending on where we are in life, what we’re thinking and feeling and dealing with, we listen with different filters. We don’t always hear what the other person is saying, we hear what we want to hear. We listen selectively. We react to parts of what’s said and not to the whole message. This is constantly true and constantly changing.
No wonder it’s hard to interact with someone.
Now put four, five, seven people in the same room and all of this becomes exponential. It just becomes this mass of people who are all talking without realizing that the other person isn’t really hearing them. And then the other person talks and the original person doesn’t really listen. On and on it goes.
Then the meeting/get-together/event is over. And everyone walks away with completely different feelings and understanding of what just happened. This happens very often in face-to-face time. Imagine how much worse it is over email, skype, text messaging, etc.
Today’s event made me remember that I need to be more aware of this. I need to be careful when I talk that I am clear. I need to follow up to make sure the goals I had in mind were communicated properly. That the other person and I are on the same page. That there are no bad feelings or uncertainty. I am not always diligent with follow up. And on the opposite side, I need to speak up when I am not certain I follow. I need to repeat back so the other person can make sure I understood what they meant.
This all seems a bit silly but I really think it’s not. Even with my husband, whom I’ve known for almost twenty years, I sometimes misunderstand what he says. I definitely hear differently depending on my own mood and perspective. And if I do it with a person I know so well, I must be doing it so much more often with other people.
And since communication is the cornerstone of any kind of relationship, being aware of how we don’t always hear what the other person is saying is crucial.
If not, all we have is a bunch of disgruntled people thinking the other person just didn’t get them at all. Which is exactly what happened to my friends today.
What a waste.
I woke up this morning and I was tired. I sleep for over eight hours, so I can’t imagine that’s it, but maybe it is. Maybe my body needs nine hours. Anyway. Then I started my morning routine. Exercised, showered, we all got dressed, ate breakfast, and then sketched. Then I started work. But I was still tired. More importantly, I was moody.
If I am honest with myself, I’ve been moody for some time now. I am trying to snap out of it and I have had moments of joy and even days full of contentment. But there’s an underlying moodiness. One of those periods when negative thoughts pop into my head way more often than positive ones. When my drive and willingness to do anything is low. (Which of course perpetuates the cycle since I won’t do what it takes to snap myself out of it.)
And I am sort of unpredictable. Even in the middle of joy, a tiny word or action can take me back down to the annoyed/moody place. Not depressed but cranky.
If you asked me what’s going on, I can tell you long stories about it. I have many reasons why all these things are happening. But, the fact is, most of the reasons are bullshit. (sorry for the cursing, i generally try not do that here but i needed something stronger than ‘made up’.) I mean, sure, things could be better. But, really, there’s just no reason for me to be the way I am being. There’s no reason to go through life this way. Doing the motions. And looking at every single thing with a pessimistic bias. I was watching this talk on the optimism bias today and kept thinking how I just don’t function that way. I am pessimistic about the future. Maybe not pessimistic but anxious. I worry all the time. All.the.time. My mind goes to the most negative outcome possible. It definitely doesn’t serve me.
But back to my moodiness. Years ago, I took this class that basically said that we go through different emotions mostly for chemical reasons. Happy. Sad. None of them mean anything. We like to attribute meaning to a good day and to a bad day but most of it is just chemical. (Obviously not when something significant happens and your mood changes right then, like being proposed to or getting in a car accident, etc. But on any ordinary day.) And, while I am not sure I buy this thought, I love the idea of reminding myself that “It doesn’t mean anything.” So today I woke up moody. So what.
Attributing meaning tends to do one of two things for me. I make it someone else’s problem which means it’s out of my hands; I am hopeless to fix it. So now it’s not in my control and I just sit here and feel small, out of control, frustrated. Or I make it this big problem that needs to be solved and I can’t be happy until it is. This puts me into the postponement world. So I hold happiness hostage until the issue is resolved. And if it’s something I can’t resolve soon, well I get to be unhappy.
Both of these are ridiculous.
At the moment, I am stuck in some situations that I am not happy with. But I took some time and decided I am not ready to change them yet. The outcome of change could be much worse than how things are. And I am just not willing to take that risk yet. This puts me in scenario two above. I can’t solve it. And I attribute almost all my moodiness to these situations. I hear myself thinking “if this and that were different…” then I get to be happy. Then I can quit being moody. Then I can enjoy my life.
Ok I won’t curse again but I am thinking the same word.
So. I decided today that next time I am moody, I am going to do three things:
1. Remember that it doesn’t mean anything. It will go away. My moods do change. And this one will, too.
2. Remember that it was my choice to leave the situation as is. I am choosing this so I need to choose to work with it and to not let it get to me. To find my way through it. But that the choice is mine and I am not trapped.
3. Remember to journal gratitudes. I have been doing this on and off and I noticed that I do truly get happier when I do it.
So here we are. I know this is a bit all over the place. But if you’re in the same place as I am where you feel a bit stuck and feel moody but are in a situation you’re not ready to change just yet, maybe some of these will help you, too.
One other thing I am trying to do is to do more of the activities that bring joy to me. Art, friends, TV, hugging my kids whatever it is. I am trying not to judge, but to do them all.
You can never have too much joy, if you ask me.
Even though I am usually a monotony-loving person, I feel the need to shake things up lately. The problem is I don’t know in what part of my life and exactly how. I have now been keeping a relatively regular schedule of personal activities. I exercise and sketch daily. I do art journaling in the same format twice a week. A collage page once a week. My savor project. And a layout here and there for assignments. I also spend a good bit of time reading. I have sort of slacked on the journaling/meditating/strength work. And despite several varying attempts in the last few months, I haven’t really integrated anything new into my schedule.
And it’s not an issue of time.
I have more free time. Especially for things that inspire and excite me. But I feel too tired to go looking. It’s a bit ironic, I know, that I don’t have the energy to find things that might give me more energy. But here we are.
I want a super-engaging book. I want new blogs/sites that inspire me. I want some new artistic ideas to pursue. New classes to take. A new hobby. A new passion. Ways to grow. People to meet. People to really connect with. I want to feel more alive. I want to experience different things so I can feel that jolt of enthusiasm that comes with the fresh, the new.
But I don’t know how. I don’t know where to start. How to start. I don’t want to let anything go because I don’t think it will help me pick up something new. I tend to be better at making space for something once it inspires me. I have no doubt that if I felt pulled in a new direction, I won’t have trouble letting go of what’s here. I just need to feel that pull.
But I don’t know where to begin.
Any ideas?
This morning, as I ran, I watched this Ted talk by Daniel Kahneman. Well, I’ve watched the first 7 minutes of it so far (I get to watch the rest tomorrow.) but it already gave me some food for thought so I wanted to share with you.
One of the things Daniel shares is that there’s a difference between an experience and the memory of an experience. He talks about a man who watched a symphony for some time (let’s say 40 minutes) that he really enjoyed. Towards the very end, there was some very loud disruption and the man said “it ruined the whole experience!” Daniel talks about how this is clearly not true. For the first 35 minutes, the man was truly enjoying the show, so it wasn’t the experience that was ruined, it was the memory of the experience. How we remember things is not how they actually were. I think even though we know this, it’s significant to think about it.
Especially because Daniel also talks about some specific ways memory can be tricked. According to his studies, endings matter. In the case above, the symphony ended negatively so it left a bad impression on the man’s mind. They also did studies on colonoscopies. They took two individuals: A and B. A had a short but intensely painful exam. And B had an exam that was twice as long and just as intense for the same duration as A but then it got less intense for the second half. One would think B would rate his experience as worse than A since he had at least just as much pain and had to go on for twice as long. But because the ending of his exam was less painful than A’s ending, the memory of B’s test is less painful in his mind than A’s memory was. So endings matter. Apparently more than the overall experience.
These two ideas led me to think about my own life. I am still struggling quite a bit and working actively and regularly on coaching myself and being acutely aware of the good in my life. There are many moments of joy and peace and contentment in my days but the end of my work days are often hectic and frustrating. And by the time work is over, kids are in bed, etc. I am spent and worn out and I often remember that feeling more strongly than the others in my day.
So to rectify this, I thought it might be interesting to start keeping a “spot check of feelings” log during the day. Where each hour I would take a second to see how I feel at that moment. Am I happy? content? peaceful? frustrated? whatever it is, i note it and move on. This way, regardless of how my day ends, I can look back and see all the moments in my day and not let my memory of my day overwrite the actual experience of the day. If the gentleman at the symphony did that every ten minutes, he’d realize he enjoyed 75% of the show and it might change his overall view. So I am going to see if it works for me.
The other idea I had was to end each day with something really good/happy/calming/joyous. Since endings matter and I know this, why not use it to my advantage? Even if I am dead tired and frustrated, I think I can find a 15-30 minute activity that will turn the last moments of my day around. And if those last moments are so crucial to memory maybe I can “trick” mine by ending my days with a happy moment.
So since I like lists, my plan tonight is to make a list of 10 things that are 15-30 minutes each. Things that bring me joy or peace. Things that I can do at night. I will pick one each night and see if I can trick my memory.
I bet I can.
One of the things Jake and I did a few years ago was to spend time figuring out what mattered to each of us. We made short lists of things that really, really mattered so that the other person could make a concerted effort to focus on them. For example, an item on my list could be “put the dirty dishes in the sink” (this is not an item on my list by the way, just an example!) and so Jake could know that and make an effort to do that thing because he knows it’s at the top of my short list. This way he won’t put the dishes on the counter and I won’t pick a fight over something that’s not on my list.
The thing is, we won’t ever get it all right. When you live with other people you’re bound to have a million little issues. (And big ones, too, of course, but fewer of those if you’re lucky.) This is inevitable. It’s a part of daily life. And it’s not limited to your partner. You can go to Starbucks to get coffee and someone can cut in line. Someone can get your order wrong. Someone can spill stuff on your shirt. Someone can respond rudely. The list goes on and on. These instances are more often and repetitive with your partner cause you spend more actual time with them.
So having this list really helps me. It reminds me of the few things that truly matter to me. And, more importantly, reminds me that I can let go of all the rest. Sometimes we’re in a bad mood and pick a fight for no reason. Sometimes we just want to be right. Sometimes we make things a matter of pride. The list stops me from doing any of these. Each time an issue comes up, I can take a step back and check if this is on my list (and I try to keep my list small and specific so it’s not open to interpretation and bending of truth to fit my mood.) If it’s not on the list, I take a breath and let it go. If I already started picking a fight over it, I apologize and reset.
I am not saying this always works. But when I remember to step back and adhere to the list, it works like magic. It also helps to have my husband’s list so I know what to focus on most when trying to be the best I can. I can’t fix everything all the time, but I can prioritize based on what matters most to him.
I’ve decided that the same setup would work well for work. I had a situation today and once I was able to step back, I realized it didn’t matter that much after all. I was letting my pride and frustrations get in the way. So I took a moment, apologized and let it go. I decided a few weeks ago that my work list only contains one item for now and it’s an item that’s definitely being met. So I am going to let everything else go as it comes up. I believe that remembering my list and remembering that it’s being met is the most crucial thing for my personal peace.
A lot of life, for me, is learning to deal with these moments. I tend to focus on small things and get overly upset, anxious, worried, etc. I am a worrier so I take a lot of stuff on and let it all get to me. Having my list and using it regularly will allow me to keep things in perspective. It will allow me to regularly practice letting go. And I know that the more I practice, the more it will become second nature.
Here’s to being able to step back naturally and let go.
I’ve had quite a few people ask me about my sketching process so I decided I’ll do one long(ish) post and then can update as more questions come up.
Background:
I’ve wanted to learn how to sketch for quite some time. I had it on my list and took quite a few portrait classes but I just couldn’t really get the hang of it. I wavered back and forth on what I wanted to do and I wasn’t satisfied with my results. On April 11, 2011 I decided to give it a solid try. Since that day, I’ve been sketching every single day (with very few exceptions). I’ve done over 500 sketches. I wanted to put this first because, more than anything, it’s the daily sketching that actually allowed me to improve. So if you want to sketch better, my number one recommendation would be to sit and sketch.
Please note that I am not claiming to be a great sketcher or talented or whatever. I am working on my sketches every single day. Some days are better then others but overall I’ve improved a huge amount. And this is all due to sitting down and sketching daily.
Classes I took:
A lot of people ask me which classes I took. There wasn’t one class that taught me what I know. I have, however, taken a lot of classes and they each helped in their own way. Here are some:
those were the main ones that affected my sketching, but here are a few more that involve drawing that I loved:
What I got most from the classes was ways to integrate them into my art to develop my own style. I got the lettering from Lori (and how I wish I were anything as good as she is.) I found my watercolors in Alisa’s class and I found out about my favorite watercolor pencils from Cathy’s class. Classes are great but won’t really do the trick unless you put in the time and do the work.
There are excellent books, too. Again, if you do the work, it will work. Danny Gregory is a personal favorite of mine.
Materials:
Here’s what I use daily:
My sketches are 4″x4.5″ this is so I can glue them down in my moleskine notebooks. I’ve grown used to the size and like it.
I’ve experimented with a lot of other materials. I’ve also done graphite for a long time. I recommend you play before you buy. Art materials are expensive.
Inspiration:
This, too, went through several iterations. At first, I drew from other people’s sketches. I started with black and white and then did some color. Then, I drew from my photos. Now, I draw from photos I like. I keep all my ideas in a pinterest board. Each morning, I check pinterest and design seeds to see if there’s something new that catches my interest. If not, I draw from what I’ve pinned. This is, by far, the most time consuming part of the process. I limit myself now, so I have to pick something within 15 minutes. Otherwise I can do this for a long time. I keep to simple things and I seem to be drawn to food, jars, tea/coffee etc. I’ve done a few “scenes” but mostly I draw single items.
The words/thoughts on my pages come from the feelings that day’s image evokes. I think about why I chose the image and then write down what comes up.
Process:
I outlined my process here. It hasn’t really changed from there, except now, I do some finer work with the watercolor pencils, I add a word, some thoughts, and draw a border. I will try to take more step by step photos so you can see. I also have a video of me sketching so you can see what I do here. It’s not great but it helps.
Basically, I wake up, exercise, shower, and then go to pinterest, pick a sketch idea and go to town. Every. Single. Day.
Some things I learned:
- Repetition is key. I know I’ve said this already but the best way to get better is to practice. Practice. Practice. And then practice some more.
- Pay attention to lines: there are very few perfectly straight lines in nature. Or even in most man-made things. Look carefully. Making things look more organic is often about keeping your lines flowing and less rigid.
- Look and don’t assume. A lot of drawing is looking and seeing properly. We have a lot of iconic images in our minds and when we look at things we don’t really see what’s there. So a lot of it is learning to use your eyes and not your brain.
- Pay attention to the light. I think shadows and lights make a picture come alive like nothing else. They show you depth which is really important. Things cast shadows and you need to look for them. This is where photos really help me cause it’s easy to see where the light source is in a photo. (Easier than seeing in real life, at least for me.)
- Draw what you like. Not what you think you should. Not what others do. But what you enjoy. It will help with #1.
As I said, I am far far from an expert. Many of my sketches are still laughably bad. But I like doing them and I will continue for as long as it’s fun and I am improving. My goal for 2012 was to find my own unique sketchy voice and I think I have. For now, I like the style but I might explore more and change things around so I am pushing myself and learning more.
If I missed anything you wanted to know, add a comment and I will update.
You can see all my sketch related posts here. It shows my whole journey. And here is a post I wrote specific to 2012 that shows a shorter summary of my 2011 journey.
I’ve been spending some time evaluating my life and choices lately. As I’ve mentioned before, the last few months have been tough on me and I haven’t bounced back like I would have liked. I am frustrated with myself for how long this is taking and how bumpy the ride is. So, as I was thinking about all this and how there are a few items of my regular schedule that fell off way back in March that I haven’t managed to pick back up, I decided to put two together.
I haven’t journaled in a long time. Well, let me rephrase: outside of the writing recommended by the classes I took, I haven’t done any personal journaling just for me in a long time. I used to take 15-20 minutes to write every morning and that quiet time of reflection was really profound for me. I miss it. But for some reason, I can’t seem to get back on the horse. I can’t seem to pick the pen up and make it habit again.
I think about it a lot but don’t do it.
I am not sure if this is subconsciously a way to protect myself. Maybe I am worried all the negative thoughts hiding in the corners of my soul will pour out and take me to a dark place each day. And I can’t afford a lot more dark moments. In fact, I don’t want any of those. This might not be the issue at all. It might just be that I am more rushed and do not take the time to slow down lately. I have also given up meditation and the strength training. In fact, I haven’t read to the kids in two weeks.
But coming back to my topic of journaling, I’ve decided to try something for the month of July. (And I won’t even be anal about how it’s already July 2 and I haven’t done it so far. I will give myself permission to start now.) Instead of doing the typical journaling of pouring whatever’s on my heart or mind on to paper, I am going to do positive journaling.
That means I am going to fill a page in my notebook writing only good things from my life. This is not to say I will avoid the bad stuff (I am working on looking at the bad stuff, too.) but that I will turn this journaling exercise into just focusing the good things.
Here’s why: the problem I’m struggling with that’s really bringing me down is in an area of my life that I’ve purposefully decided to focus less on. So while I can’t get rid of it, I can definitely not let things get to me as much. I can definitely shine the light on the abundance of good things on my life. And I think writing a page will help me refocus. It will allow the things that matter to come to light more often. Those are also the things I take for granted more often. They are the “working” parts of my life so I don’t “worry about them.” But I also don’t pay as much attention to them. I don’t celebrate them as much as I could. I don’t deeply enjoy them because I am putting so much focus on the areas where I am struggling. So I want to move the studio lights to where the joy is.
And I think journaling the good for a page each day will help me do that.
I am not exactly sure how it’s going to work yet. I might spend one day listing all the things I am grateful for. Another day on all my happy wishes. Another on what made me happy the previous week. I might spend a day on all the things I want to learn. Whatever I do, I will focus on the good. I will focus on the joyous moments. The nuggets of happiness from each day that I normally let wither.
My hope is that this will allow me to see my world in a different light. And show me that my life is full where it matters most. And maybe that can squash the darkness better than no journaling or pouring out the angst.
It seems worth a try, at least.
First of all, I apologize for the lack of thoughts posts this week. It was an exceptionally hectic week at work and when I was completely brain-dead at the end of each day, I decided it was ok to give myself the night off. I still did some art because that’s good for my soul but my brain wasn’t working enough to write. So, I apologize. Though, it’s been quiet here on the blog, too, so maybe the rest of you are on vacation while I work so hard! 🙂
Secondly, I have been doing well on my summer of calm. I’ve had several situations that came up and I was able to keep my cool. I have been better (not great but better) at not yelling and staying calmer in general. I am working on it. Considering the craziness of this week, I am proud of myself.
I’ve also been working on my little changes. Slowly but I’ve made headway on several. I’ve also filled the download I mention here and done some journaling, some of the assignments from Christy’s class, etc. I’ve got a long way to go, but I am making progress. Slowly.
I was thinking today that when I look at myself, I often see the holes in my life. The areas where I am struggling more and wish I were better. Like driving, riding a bike, eating healthier, etc. I just see what’s missing. And I take what’s there and good for granted. My job, husband, kids, whatever it might be. Even the things that were not there but are now. Like being thinner and healthier.
Whereas when I look at others, I do the opposite. I take what’s best about them and don’t even notice anything else. I might see their success where I am struggling and not notice their struggles in an area that’s already well for me.
But that’s what life is. None of us are perfect. We all have holes. I have a friend who used to introduce me as “This is Karen, she speaks seven languages.” And it drove me mad. So I told him that if he had to say that, he had to say it this way, “This is Karen, she speaks seven languages but she can’t ride a bike.” Because then you see my holes. You see that I am far far from perfect. And it sort of evens things out. You tell yourself “ah i might not have learned languages, but I can ride a bike!” and that’s important. It gives much needed perspective to each of us.
Life is mostly a game of chance. Sometimes we get stuff because we put a lot of energy and time into it, and other times we’re just lucky (or unlucky.) And sometimes it’s a combination of both. But none of us can have it all. We each make choices along the way. Sometimes we regret them and other times they turn out way bigger that we’d hoped. Either way, we never have it “all” and if we continue to look for the holes, we will never ever feel good. Or complete. Or done. Or “good enough” as the case is for me.
This is where gratitude plays a big role I think. Where you spend time truly focusing on the great things that you do have. So much of what you probably are taking for granted. Gratitude shows you that you don’t just have holes but you also have these magical, wonderful areas in your life. Areas where you’re soaring. Thriving.
And it’s crucial to pay attention to them.
So while I will continue to work on filling some of the holes in my life, I will also make myself pay more attention to the incredible fullness I have there, too. Life changes in a moment. And I could lose it all. I don’t want to take a moment of my life for granted.
Not one moment.
I was thinking about abundance and sharing this morning as I ran on the treadmill. I was watching one of Donna Downey’s Inspiration Wednesday videos and thinking about how some people worry about sharing tips/tricks or thoughts or ideas freely for fear that you will give your best ideas away and you won’t have any more.
But that’s the thing with ideas: there’s so much more where they came from and the best way to generate more is to use up the ones you have.
Sometimes, when we hold on to them, they become so precious. It almost paralyzes us with fear that it’s the one and only good idea we will ever have. I find that the freedom you get from sharing many ideas freely is that no one idea becomes all you have. You get more ideas and then you realize you’re capable of generating endless ideas.
There’s a common saying in fiction that there’s no such thing as a new idea. And I think this is true. Most stories have already been told. What’s not been told is your unique perspective on life. Your way of seeing life. Your way of recounting events. Your way of processing emotions. Those are unique to you and can never be copied or taken away from you.
I know I don’t make my living from creating art so I respect others might have different opinions, but my recommendations is to not fear putting your ideas out there. I feel like sharing creates abundance. It feeds a part of your soul that puts seeds of new ideas down inside you. At least that’s what I found to be true for me.
And I also appreciate it when others share their ideas, creativity, way of seeing the world with me. I took several of Donna’s Pan Pastel classes because of the free inspiration Wednesday videos. I knew her style of teaching and doing art would speak to me and I might not have taken them had I not seen her style for free first. Same for Christy. I took her classes cause I’d seen her free videos and liked them.
Just like in everything, there’s a balance to be reached here, too. If you’re hoping to have income from your art, you don’t share everything for free, of course. But you also don’t have to be super-secretive. You don’t have to think that if you give a bit for free, people will never pay for the rest.
And you don’t have to worry that you only have one good idea. If you use that up, you will see that you have more. Sit down to do art and they will come to you. Open up to the world and start a dialogue and more will come to you. Look around for what truly inspires you in the world and more ideas will come. Connect with others and more ideas will come.
Soon you will have an abundance of ideas only because you were brave enough to let the one precious one go.
A few weeks ago, I was reflecting back upon my life and the different milestones I’ve been through. I did this exercise for Brave Girls’ Soul Restoration class about 18 months ago. I remember it was quite profound and eye-opening then. What I realized recently is that, even though I tend to worry a lot in the present and about the future, I seem to look at the past and mostly remember the good.
I don’t mean far into the past, I still have some rough childhood memories that are bright in my memory. But for anything that happened in the last twenty years, when I look back, none of them seem so bad. I feel like I’ve had a relatively smooth, uninterrupted life. Not just in the big ways (but definitely those too) but in so many little ways too.
I remember most of my life fondly. I feel like each phase served its purpose. I look back upon our years in NYC and remember the trips to Central Park. The library that was so awesome. The cherry blossoms outside our apartment. The movie theater and Borders that were one avenue away. And the bagel store a few blocks down where we spent a lot of Sunday mornings.
I don’t remember the super long and stressful work hours though I know they were there. I don’t remember the frustration with my managers though those were there too. Nor do I remember the endless fights with Jake (especially at the beginning of living together) but I do remember some special anniversary celebrations.
Maybe because there wasn’t one big, bad thing to point at, I just seem to remember it all as a good chapter of my life. The good stuff sticks out more in my memory.
Same goes for Japan, the cross country trip, and San Diego. Even TFA, which was an exceptionally rough time in my life. I just remember so many good moments from all these experiences. Enough to put a smile on my face.
I am not sure why it is that I can look back with no regret and no sorrow but I can’t live this moment with less anxiety and worry. I wonder howcome the two aren’t linked. How come I can be optimistic and pessimistic.
It also made me think a lot about now. And how when I look back upon now, all my struggles will fade away and I’ll remember the good moments of getting to be home with the kids and getting to sit on my couch, etc. So I am going to remember that more when I stress. Remind myself to see the good right now. Those Kodak moments that will stick in my brain. I will pause to pay attention to them now.
And maybe this process will make me more optimistic in the now. Maybe it will help quiet down the worries in my head.
Seems worth a try.
Fair warning that this is a rambling post…
I am hoping I am not the only one with this problem but I am feeling quite scattered lately. Even though I didn’t really get jetlag when I came back from Turkey, I still haven’t been able to get my brain organized. I sort of go through the days getting what needs to get done, done but not really working ahead much.
I am not panicked about this since all my must-get-done items are done. I am working diligently and hard at work. I am still running 3 miles a day. I got my CHA work done. And I am sketching and doing art and savor project each week.
but something is missing.
I feel disconnected from it all. Not sure how to explain it better. I feel like hours pass, I do some stuff and then it’s 7pm and I am worn out, tired, and uninspired. I can’t even seem to pick a book to read lately, I am literally in the middle of 5 books. This is unheard of for me. I like to pick one, read it all the way, and then move to the next. But I can’t even seem to be able to make up my mind about which book to read lately.
There are things I wanted to do in June and I am worried that the month is quickly coming to a close and I am not getting to them:
- I want to reflect on the last six months. Review my goals from January and see how I am doing. Sort of like I did here. I am thinking I might use this download I found at Susannah’s site. Even though it was meant for 2012’s beginning, I can use it to look back on the first half of 2012 and plan for the second half.
- I want to go through the little changes list I made and sort of schedule them into my days, months, plans.
- I want to get some math and writing books for David for the summer. I want to work with him on his writing. I need to schedule daily/weekly summer time with him.
- I want to resume our reading book with Nathaniel. I need to schedule daily/weekly summer time with him, too.
- I am thinking of possibly writing a new class. It would be about savoring every day. It would be mostly about reflection, journaling exercises. It would also involve artsy exercises but you can use medium of your choice like photography, scrapping, drawing, art journaling, or none of the above. I haven’t fleshed it out but I can’t decide if it’s worth writing it or not. There are a lot of online classes now. This wouldn’t be super-cheap. Would any of you be interested? (I know I didn’t sell it well but I am feeling tired now 🙂 ) But before I work for hours and hours and really pour my soul into it, I sort of want to get a feel for how much interest there even is and I am not sure how to do that….
- I have sort of begun thinking about 2013 too. It’s not too soon for me. I want to plan some of my projects. See what I want to keep from 2012 and what I want to change up. I want to make time to think more around this.
- My inbox is loud with emails I haven’t returned. I feel overwhelmingly tired when I look at it. It makes me sad to feel this way.
- I need to get back on schedule with the food, driving, strength exercises, and journaling. I miss them all.
- Nathaniel’s school ends Friday and I need a bit more of a schedule for the kids if I am to survive this summer.
- I am tired. Feeling unmotivated always does this to me. I think this means I should get up and do some art.
So that’s what’s on my mind today. I think maybe I need to go out 1-2 nights this week and spend some quality time with my journal. I know feeling organized is the first step to feeling inspired for me. How about you? Anyone else having a scattered summer so far?
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projects for twenty twenty-four
projects for twenty twenty-three
projects for twenty twenty-two
projects for twenty twenty-one
projects for twenty nineteen
projects for twenty eighteen
projects from twenty seventeen
monthly projects from previous years
some of my previous projects
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