This morning I was driving the kids to school and I noticed that I was feeling very anxious. There were several tasks on my list for work that depended on other people and I was time-bound and had to make sure they were done. And the fact that they weren’t done yet was making me stress.
These issues had just risen in the last 12 hours so it’s not like the other people were slacking. What stressed me out was that the deadline was approaching and I still had to make sure these fixes landed and they weren’t mine so I had to make sure other people did it on my timeframe.
As soon as I noticed that my mind was repeating the same pattern of stress over and over again, I told myself to take a big breath. The fact is, this situation will happen again and again in my job. It’s part of what I do: gather fixes from people. And it’s not just in my job, I have this in my life. I have kids and as they grow there will be situations where I will have to depend on them getting their share done. Same for my husband, of course. When you share your life, your job with others, you sort of all depend on each other. Everyone has to do their part for things to move forward.
Depending on others is part of living in a community. So since I don’t plan on moving to an isolated island anytime soon, I realized that I had to find a way to deal with this anxiety on a more permanent basis.
Because:
Being motivated and getting others motivated to get stuff done: bonus.
Driving myself crazy until people do their part: not so much.
So I came back home and called up the engineer. I told him exactly when I needed it and how high a priority it was. I told him that my stress level was pretty high and I would work extra hard not to nag him so if he could please update me on progress, it would make it easier on both of us. I was honest and even expressed how I was being a bit crazy and apologized in advance.
So here’s my thought for the day: life is not just about figuring out your issues and fixing them. That’s important, of course. I noticed my stress, I took a moment to acknowledge it, I breathed, I visualized letting it go and I also followed up so the person who could get it done knew the deadline. So I did all I could on my part to make me less “crazy.”
But I also just was honest. I told this person, “This is driving me a bit crazy, I’m working on it but I need your help.” I was honest and vulnerable and asked for help (or at least for some understanding.)
I think the first step is always understanding yourself. Paying attention to how you feel, what’s coming up, so you’re always acting from a place of awareness and not reacting. But once you know, it doesn’t mean you can always fix it. Awareness is gold. But it’s not the fix. It’s just knowledge. And sometimes it takes a long, long time to fully change. (Or you might never be able to fully change.)
But the great gift of awareness is that you can ask for help. You can be honest and vulnerable. And, more often than not, others are kind enough to help. Or understand. Or give you the space you need. You get my point. If you’re willing to be vulnerable, people can surprise you in the most delightful ways.
That’s what I realized today. I do want to work on this issue because stressing nonstop about everything is just a bad use of my time and energy. But I also know this is how I’ve been for a long time and it won’t go away overnight. In the meantime, I don’t have to work on it alone. I don’t have to hide it or have it beat me down.
I can ask for help.
As for the engineer: he was great about it. He prioritized it, gave me updates, and got it all done in plenty of time.
Of course.
Last night, I started my local course on The Science of Mindfulness. This is taught by the same teacher who taught The Science of Willpower class last year. She has a great book and is an excellent lecturer. I really enjoy her classes and I knew this would be no exception. As she talked about what the class would cover, one of the things she mentioned is how our brains are constantly changing.
I think most of us believe that youth is the time to learn all new things. By the time we reach middle ages, it’s too late to pick up a new instrument, a new “talent.” We’re pretty much done.
It turns out not to be true.
I’ve never believed this to be true so I am glad to find out that there’s research proving the human brain can be changed at all ages. She specifically mentioned a study where a group of adults were taught to juggle. These people had never juggled before. They had brain scans before the study began, then they were taught juggling for a while and had another brain scan done. The research found that certain areas of their brain changed during the study. The part of the brain responsible for tracking visual things (makes sense, right?) got denser. So the brain realized they were doing this and started becoming more efficient and capable.
So lesson 1: you can learn at every age and your brain is constantly adapting and optimizing in your favor.
And, even more interestingly, these same people were then told to stop juggling for six months. At the end of six months, they had another brain scan and it showed that the same areas got less dense. Weaker.
So lesson 2: if you don’t keep practicing, the brain adapts to that, too and thinks you don’t need that optimization anymore and so deteriorates.
Isn’t that fascinating? Your brain is a lot more adaptable than you think. I love this because it shows that we have a lot more control than we assume. If we want to get better at something, we have to do it, and then keep doing it. We say this to kids, but it’s also true for us.
And it’s true for physical/mental activities as well as emotional ones. So we think we can get better at math or music with practice. But we don’t think the same way about depression, pain, anxiety, happiness, etc. Those work the same way, too. You practice, you get better, your brain helps you out.
So you are in control.
You can make it happen.
I am not saying there aren’t limits and that we can do anything, anytime, etc. But the fact that our brains have plasticity all the way from birth to death is a very empowering thought for me.
As we always say: what you water, blooms.
Choose wisely.
In 2002, I quit my six-figure job on Wall Street to do something I deeply felt like I needed to do. I wanted to be making the world a better place. I wanted to help. I wanted to change lives. I wanted to do something good.
So I did.
I changed everything, turned our lives upside down to make this big change. I felt right every step of the way. I felt pulled toward this new goal. It was hard and challenging but I knew in my bones that this was the right thing to do. It was me walking in the direction in which I was meant to go.
It felt right.
But it wasn’t.
Once I started doing it, everything seemed to go wrong. I fell into an ever-growing spiral of despair and frustration. I think it was harder for me because I felt so strongly that the cause was essential. It was important and I didn’t want to mess it up. I owed it to the people I was trying to serve to do a good job. They deserved my best.
And my best just didn’t measure up.
Not to the ideal in my head of how good I had to be. It didn’t matter if I was better than others. It didn’t matter if I did a little good. I wasn’t doing the good I felt they deserved. I wasn’t measuring up to my goal. I judged myself constantly.
And it broke me apart.
I felt so ashamed of myself. Of my inability to create the change I so deeply craved for these people. I felt so incapable. So incompetent.
While the degree is different, I felt the same way today. That combination of “I so desperately want to do good here” and the “this person deserves better than I am.” I ached to help. I ached to be better than I actually am capable of being.
And that ache is painful for me. It sends me to the darkness and I don’t know how to find my way back. It is a reminder that I am not good enough to measure up to the person I want to be in my head, in my heart, in my soul.
It hurts.
So I did the only thing I can do. I apologized. I was honest and I cleared the space the best I could. Now I need to tend to the wounds I created for myself. The ones from that dream ten years ago are still there. While my head knows it was right to walk away, my soul aches for the person I wasn’t. But I want to know that I can forgive myself. I want to understand that sometimes when you want something so badly, it makes it harder because your measuring stick is misaligned. You’re holding yourself to a standard that cannot be met. You are setting yourself up to be crushed.
And I don’t want that. I want to be strong enough to get up and try again. Or strong enough to walk away without looking back. I want to disassociate my self-worth from the outcome. I am here with the gifts I have to give to the world.
My job is to offer those gifts and give freely.
The rest is not up to me.
Ever since I made this collage page for the Your Living Canvas class, I’ve been thinking about bravery and taking brave steps and being brave in general.
Here’s what I’ve come to believe….I’m going to say something controversial now. Ready?
I, think to the outside world, the difference between a brave move and a stupid one is the outcome. Society (and even we) measures bravery on how good the outcome was. If you took a big risk and moved to a new town, job, relationship and it turned out great, you were so brave! But if the outcome was less than stellar, well then you were dumb and/or didn’t think things through.
Taking a step in a new/different direction is very difficult. Our body, mind, heart and soul just want to play it safe. We like inertia. We know how things work at this moment. Even if we dislike so many parts of status quo, we know how to navigate through it. All the upsides and downsides are known.
And “known” is a good thing.
Unknown is a scary thing. The outcome is not quantifiable. There are no guarantees. There’s risk (and of course potential reward) and whenever there’s risk, there is always the possibility of undesired outcome, unexpected downside. I think almost all of us are afraid of the unknown.
I might be in a situation where I have to decide if I want to plunge forth on a decision that involves some changes. Some unknowns. I am trying my best to get reassurances that things will work out the way I want them to, but there are no guarantees. When you do something new, something you’ve never done, there are no guarantees.
To be honest, even the “knowns” are not guaranteed. Today I have a wonderful husband and two great kids, I have a job working at home, I have a home, I have hobbies, friends, etc. One or more of these things may no longer be true tomorrow. Things are not in my control as much as I’d like to think they are. So things could change tomorrow anyway. But the difference is that if I plunge forward, I will have put the changes in motion. I will be the responsible person if things don’t unfold as desired. It will be my fault. I will say “I wish I hadn’t been so stupid or greedy or selfish….” I don’t know what I’ll say but it won’t be nice. I’ll blame myself.
Whereas if things work out, I’ll be so wise! Good job doing the right thing Karen. Good job for being brave.
But of course, what’s brave is taking the step. Moving forward even though you don’t know the outcome. Thinking and feeling your way through the choices. Doing the best you can to stabilize and clarify the unknowns. And then just taking a leap.
Each leap is brave.
Regardless of the outcome. Each leap means you’re trying to grow, stretch, improve, try something new. Each leap means you’re not staying with the easy but unpleasant status quo. You’re taking charge of your life. Right or wrong. You’re doing something about it.
And that’s brave.
How it turns out? Well that’s just life. Things work out the way they do. Sometimes they don’t. And then you learn and you apologize. You eat your pride and figure out your next steps. Or maybe it’s a small adjustment. Maybe it’s the final straw to something that was fundamentally never going to work.
And sometimes things work out. And then it’s magic. You’re so glad you leapt.
No one knows what the future really holds. And we can all be geniuses in retrospect. So we all work with what we have now.
I want to practice being brave. I want to know that regardless of the outcome, I will find a way to be ok, I will survive, I will thrive. Each time I am brave, I get stronger. Each time I am brave, I learn to trust myself more. I want to remember that being brave is about taking the leap. Not about where I land.
I want to be brave.
This month’s assignment for the One Little Word class was about choosing a battle. I’ve been thinking about this one a lot this week. I’ve noticed that there are certain things that can hurl me into spirals of negativity. And once my mind is on a roll, it’s hard to stop patterns from repeating. I’ve come to believe that what works best is to stop myself at the very beginning.
I had a situation last week, where someone was exceptionally mean to me over the phone. It was an area where I already felt a little small about myself. I tried to stand up for myself but she just got meaner. After I got off the phone, I almost cried. I just felt small and terrible. It affected the rest of my day (probably the next few days actually.)
I know from personal experience that when other people criticize you it’s more often about them and not you. I know that when people frustrate or annoy me, it’s more about me than them. I know all the facts but I often have a hard time making my heart/soul listen to them when I am in this bad place. Instead, I beat myself up. And in lieu of ignoring or letting go, I join in. I bash myself more than they ever can. I make myself small. Tiny.
What a load of … you know what.
Here’s what I believe: People who make you feel small are NOT worth it. They are not worth your time or your effort. I noticed that I often spend more energy trying to “win” the love an attention of these mean people over those who already love me and accept me the way I am. I somehow feel like their mean words are truer than the words of those whom I trust. What a waste of time! Even as I write this down, I can see how ridiculous that is but I know that I do it again and again.
There’s a book I love called Now Discover Your Strengths which talks about how we need to change our perspective on how we look at our strengths and shortcomings. The book explains that instead of spending so much energy trying to improve the areas in which you’re lacking by a little bit, it’s much better use of your time and energy to focus on what you’re inherently better at. You can find help, hire others, delegate, outsource, etc for the areas where you need more help and you can focus on what you’re good at. Apparently this leads to a much bigger success and happiness. When you think about it, this seems pretty obvious to me. Clearly if I focus on what I am good at and like to do and find other ways to fill the holes I have, every task will be done better and I will enjoy my life more. As opposed to always feeling like I’m struggling to keep up with the areas where I’m lacking.
I feel like I can use a similar method in choosing my battles. I want to work on things that will make my life happier and better. On things that will improve my relationships with the people I care about. I want to let go of the crap that doesn’t really matter. I want to work on things that make my family time more enjoyable. Focus on my marriage. My friends. I want to remember that I come to this world not with just my shortcomings but also my gifts. The battle is to weed out the garbage voices and let the important ones come to the surface. I want to do what makes me happy. Regardless of what others think of it. I want to do what makes me shine. Thrive.
I think the best way to quiet the voices others put in my head is to remember my own voice. To give my voice and the voices of the people I love priority over all the noise. I want to pick my battles more carefully. I want to focus on what serves me. And not what brings me down.
I want to not just know but feel that when others’ criticize me, it’s about them. When people are mean, it’s about them. When people are gossipy, unkind, cruel, belittling, or whatever, it’s about them. If someone has genuine feedback, they can find a way to give it kindly. Otherwise, it’s not worth my time. I want to feel this so deeply that when these things happen, I can just let them go. Without going into any spirals. Without giving them any space in my head or heart or soul.
I had the opportunity this week to follow up on last week’s call and report the not-so-kind behavior to higher up in the woman’s chain. I thought about it a lot but in the end I decided to let it go. Maybe she had a bad day. Or maybe she’s mean all the time. (I know that if this is the case, it’s better if someone stands up and calls her out on it. But in this case I wasn’t the best person for it.) Either way, I decided I was going to let this go. I knew that thinking about the situation didn’t serve me. It made me go back to that small place. So I decided to just let it go and stop this battle before it began. This particular one wasn’t going to be my battle. I want to focus on what makes me feel stronger and not weaker. I want to focus on people who care about me and people I care about.
I want to save my battles for the deserving few.
Today’s my birthday.
I am now officially thirty-eight years old. Just a few more before I get to be in my forties instead of thirties. Aging is not something that worries me. I feel privileged and grateful to get each year I get.
It’s been a long, messy, rough, hectic, muddled few weeks here. As expected the schedule changes aren’t really settled down yet. I am behind in all my classes and emails and comments and just about everything else. And instead of spending time catching up, I seem to just want to slow down more and more.
Last weekend was intense for me emotionally and physically and work’s going to really go up a notch next week, so I decided to take myself off the hook this week and do as little as possible. I am still running but just one mile a day and I am doing my sketches but simpler ones. Other than that, I’ve only been doing what I have to and nothing else. I’ve been going to bed between 8-9pm each night and trying to get rest.
While I am itching at the bits to dig into some stuff (like my coursework or several books that are piling up on my ipad) I am forcing myself to slow down. Reminding myself regularly that things will wait. Life will wait.
With kids at school, September seems like a more appropriate beginning time to me than January, lately. I feel like with the start of the school year, we have a new schedule, new classes and teachers and challenges. It seems like the right time to be choosing words and projects, etc. So I always have a lot of ideas come up this time of year and have to (im)patiently wait another few months to implement them. I am at the idea-collecting stage.
However, in honor of my birthday, I will take today as an emotional resetting/beginning of sorts. This year has had a lot of tough times for me and this past week has been emotionally rough. So as I look forward to my 38-year-old self, here’s what I want to focus on:
1. Kindness Above All: I’ve learned time and again that this is the one big thing for me. I can tolerate so much but I cannot tolerate unkind people. I grew up with mean friends (whether they meant to be or not, they were just mean.) I learned early on to be mean to myself. And it’s a horrible, terrible thing to be unkind to oneself. So it will stop now. I will no longer be unkind to myself. When I notice myself going there, I will put my hand on my heart and give myself some compassion. I deserve kindness. You deserve kindness. We all do. Every single one of us, no matter what. I will not tolerate unkindness anymore. From myself or anyone else. I will do everything I can to remove unkind people from my life. I notice that sometimes unkindness is how people try to gain power over others. Sometimes my need to seek approval and kindess from these people overpowers my ability to receive kindness from those who give it to me regularly. No longer. I also will do my very best to be my kindest self possible. Have no assumptions, be open and be as kind as I can.
2. Patience and Calm: I find that, I often feel a sense of panic when multiple things are happening simultaneously. I might even end up putting my focus on the wrong thing and stress the situation further. I like getting things done, but I like feeling calm more than feeling accomplished. I want to work on my patience and calm. Patience with myself and my kids, my loved ones, strangers, friends, work mates. Not jumping the gun, not yelling, not assuming. Being patient and open and calm. Knowing, and truly believing, that things will work out. Because, honestly, almost always they do. And when they don’t being impatient doesn’t help.
3. Being Completely Present: The word savor has been good to me. Between that and the mindfulness classes/talks I’ve experienced, I feel confident that life, fulness, joy are all in this moment. I want to be present. With myself, with my kids, work, marriage. All of life. I want to soak it all up. Right now. I don’t want worries, stresses, even potential joys of the future to get in the way. I want to soak in this very moment. I want to fully live it. Bathe in it. I want to notice all the colors, sounds, textures. Every little thing. I deeply believe that life will feel much less challenging and work out more smoothly if I can embrace this mindset. I will bring back my gratitude practice. I’ve been slacking. But no longer.
Last night, David and I used a wonderfully liberating ritual I learned in the Brave Girls’ Body Restoration class. It made a significant shift for him. It has to do with writing a letter and then burying it. Today, I plan to write a letter to my 37-year-old self. I want to bid all of my past a good-bye. I have no doubt the lessons will always stay with me but I’d like to unload as much of the burden from the past as I can. I’d like to wake up tomorrow knowing that the labels I have been carrying are gone and I get to create new ones. Good or bad.
So here’s to hoping thirty-eight is a great year. I’m grateful that I get to be here.
In honor of my very long, very tiring day I decided to leave you with a wonderful poem by Jean Little from Hey World, Here I Am! :
Today
Today I will not live up to my potential.
Today I will not relate well to my peer group.
Today I will not contribute in class.
I will not volunteer one thing.
Today I will not strive to do better.
Today I will not achieve or adjust or grow enriched or get involved.
I will not put up my hand even if the teacher is wrong and I can prove it.
Today I might eat the eraser off my pencil.
I’ll look at clouds.
I’ll be late,
I don’t think I’ll wash.
I need a rest.
with thanks to my wonderful friend Jessica who introduced me to Jean Little, who is absolutely magnificent.
At the end of last school year, back in June, I was reading Savvy to the kids. We never finished it so yesterday I picked it up again so we could continue. This morning, I read this passage from the book:
I thought about those two gals and their constant griping and bellyaching, and my head swam with questions. If I could tell what Lester was thinking or feeling by listening to those voices in my head, why did they always talk about him like he wasn’t even there? They were always cutting him down to the quick. It seemed like those two ladies had had such an effect on him that now it was only their voices he heard loud, loud, loud. Was it their nasty chit-chat that told Lester who he was? No wonder the man had a stutter and a twitch.
Maybe it’s like that for everyone, I thought. Maybe we all have other people’s voices running higgledy-piggledy through our heads all the time. I thought how often my poppa and momma were there inside my head with me, telling me right from wrong. Or how the voices of Ashley Bing and Emma Flint sometimes got stuck under my skin, taunting me and making me feel low, even when they weren’t around. I began to realize how hard it was to separate out all the voices to hear the single, strong one that came just from me.
If you haven’t read the book, the two gals she mentions are Lester’s tattoos (she can hear people’s thoughts if they have any writing/tattoos on their skin).
After we read the chapter, I talked to David about this passage for a while. I told him how we all have that in our heads. How he should stop an pay attention to the voices in his own head and see whose they are. Like when he says he’s not good at something, is that really him or is he hearing a not-so-nice classmate who might have made a snide comment that stuck with him? I told him to make sure it’s his voice and to not let others’ voices take charge of his thoughts. (Not even his mom and dad’s.)
I explained that by the time we get to be my age, our heads are so filled with these that it gets harder and harder to differentiate whose voice originally put these thoughts in our head. We’ve carried them for so long that they feel like our own voice. But they are not. Some other person put them there. And if you pay attention from the beginning, maybe you can be better at weeding them out. Making sure your own voice is the strongest.
Because, I honestly think that we get all muddled up while we’re young and we spend the rest of our lives trying to sort through the noise in our heads. Yet another area where awareness would be a big gift.
I also told him that the other side of the coin is important, too. That other people will hear his voice in their head. And that he should make sure they hear him saying kind and encouraging things. And that it can really empower people to have a kind voice in their head. I told him how his little brother will get affected by his words so much and that’s why I make a point to ensure he’s as kind as can be. I told him that his words do matter. People do hear him and will remember. He should think of how it feels to have a discouraging, disparaging voice in his own head and see if he would ever want to be that for someone else.
The same goes for me, of course. I am trying to comb through the voices in my head. Find what’s mine. Kick the others out. And I want to be the kind, encouraging voice in others’ heads. The empowering voice. For every single person around me. I want to be that.
The story continues to say:
Climbing back up into the big pink Heartland Bible Supply bus, the morning warm and bright, I tried to listen past Carlene and Rhonda; I tried to hear if there was any of Lester’s own voice left in Lester. The more I watched and listened, the more it became clear as clear that whenever Lill smiled Lester’s way, or whenever she spoke to him as we traveled down the highway, Carlene and Rhonda seemed to lose their sway. Lill shone on Lester like the sun. And on his arms, his sleeves rolled up, the women’s scowling, animated faces dissolved back into the thin black lines of lifeless tattoos.
Maybe Lill was an angel, I thought to myself; maybe she was Lester’s angel, sent down from heaven to clear the voices from his head.
Today’s my husband’s birthday. Above all, this is the gift Jake’s given me. He has helped me clear the voices in my head. Sure he has his flaws and put some voices of his own. But he’s been there to remind me through and through that my own voice is the strongest and most worthy. I am deeply grateful for him.
Happy Birthday, my love. I love you with all my heart.
September is a hard month for me. I don’t usually do well with transitions. Going from summer to school year is a big change here. It means alarms and drop offs and pickups and early bedtime for all of us. It means I have to adjust everything and re-caliber my schedule. I have to make sure work, school and family can be juggled seamlessly while still giving me personal time to do what feeds my soul.
We spent the last week on vacation (which is why there were no evening updates) and then we came back and I had a huge amount of work for two days and then we were off to the 3-day weekend which I spent doing a lot of art and family time cause I will be away this coming weekend and won’t see my kids or hubby. I am on a hectic cycle at work. I am the room parent for Nathaniel’s class. Nathaniel starts a new school this year and neither of us know exactly how it will work. I am gone for three days this week. I have two online classes that started and then my in-person class starts in two weeks. It’s my hubby’s birthday tomorrow and mine next week. David, of course, is in a new class, too. New teacher. New routines.
There’s just a lot going on.
I know that by the end of September, it will all settle down into a routine and we will have our new schedules and as October starts, we will have found our new normal. Nathaniel will be comfortable in his class, David will find his groove and I will have a new schedule in place that gives me the room to do all I want to do.
Until then, however, life will not be so wonderful.
The next few weeks will be stressful, chaotic and unpleasant. While I know this and I know I likely am causing a bit of it with the expectations I am setting, I am also preparing myself and increasing my awareness. I am trying to work ahead a bit so as to not have last minute time crunches. I am remembering to breathe. I am remembering to pause and be grateful that I have two healthy, happy kids who love school. Grateful that they like to learn and have healthy bodies, minds and souls. Grateful that we go to a school we love. Grateful that I am home and can drop them off and pick them up and be here when they come home to hear all about their day. I know these are all privileges. I know that all will work out eventually. I will find a new schedule and it will work well. So I am remembering all of this even during the more stressful moments.
I am also trying to be present in each moment. While I am in David’s class, I am trying to be present there. While I tour Nathaniel’s class, I don’t think of what’s coming next but I am in the now, the here. Same with work, and art, etc. I try to be here as much as I can and not jump ahead.
If that means less gets done for now, so be it.
Maybe one day I will learn to go through these periods more seamlessly. Until then I will breathe in and breathe out. And remember that every single moment is precious and it’s all I get to have now. Good or bad. Transition or not.
Last weekend, as we walked with a friend of Jake’s whom I’d never met, a particular writer came up and I said that I’d not seen the movies because I hadn’t read the books yet and I really wanted to read first. He was really surprised and then shared some facts that made it clear that he was really into this particular writer.
When we encouraged the conversation, he admitted that he was nervous about mentioning details cause he thought we’d judge him for being so into this author. Like we’d label him nerdy, etc. (Which of course made me laugh since Jake and I are nothing if not nerds.) But then it made me think a lot.
Here was this guy Jake has known and liked for a long time and when he met me, he was still nervous about how I might judge him due to his author choices. How sad is that? I am annoyed that we’re so judgmental and we’re so worried about everyone’s judgements of us. When I first met Jake, he was like that, too. He had ideas of what authors were ok to read and which were not. I read everyone. I am not ashamed to admit I like Stephanie Meyer alongside Milan Kundera and Charles Dickens. If someone judges me cause of what I read, I am perfectly okay not being friends with a person like that.
While book-reading is an area where I feel confident, I am not equally secure in all my other choices. I, too, worry how people will judge me. Will I say the wrong thing? Do the wrong thing? Wear the wrong thing. I worry a lot.
And that sucks.
I know I can’t change the world but I want to change my own part in this game. I want to make sure that I actively choose not to judge others. I don’t want to categorize them in my mind as I often do. I think it’s easy to put people into buckets and then leave them there. But people are so much more complex than that. A nerd might feel passionate about salsa dancing. Does that still make him a nerd? What does a nerd even mean? I just want to be able to take information from others without having them fear that I might judge them. I want to be open and receiving and listening and not trying to compartmentalize and categorize and analyze.
Just listen. (and maybe, if I am lucky, learn.)
I want to find a way to exude this openness and accepting. The first step, of course, is to believe in it wholeheartedly. To truly be open. And then to really listen. Not preparing a reply. Not thinking while someone is talking but really just listening to them. Seeing all their dimension. And as judgements come up (which I am sure they will at least in the beginning), paying attention and letting them go. Fostering that awareness of judging.
And maybe if I get really good at this, I can stop judging myself, too.
I got an email this morning that immediately made me mad.
I don’t want to get into details cause my post is not about the specific example but the gist of it is that I needed some help from this company. I paid them for a service but I have a specific hurdle in the way. I asked them if they could help me. This company is in the education and people-help business so I figured they might be helpful. And after a long period of silence, they basically said “no we won’t do it. good luck!”
And I was mad.
I felt like I’d done my part, taken a big leap and they were just being jerks. I felt like what I was asking for (and not out of want but need) was not that big a deal and they just didn’t care. I felt like I was giving them all this money and they were so full of themselves that they couldn’t be bothered to help me.
On and on I went.
I will be honest, I even thought of canceling what I’d paid for and sending a “go to you know where” sort of email to them. I just felt really really mad. I felt like they were being snobby and unhelpful and why did I want to associate with that kind of company? Why would I give my money and time to them when I had alternatives.
But since I’ve been working so hard on my awareness and mindfulness, I decided to just sit with my anger and frustration and do nothing.
After a while, the anger started to dissipate. (always does of course.) And I realized that what I actually felt was disappointment. More than that, I felt a bit of shame. This hurdle is something that I am frustrated about and feel like it’s a personal problem. So when they said they couldn’t help, I took it as “you’re super-weird to have this problem, good luck with that.” It played into my insecurity in this area. I read into her words. I took them as insults.
When, actually, all she was saying was “I talked to my manager and I was told I can’t do this.” She didn’t even tell me how she felt. Just that she wasn’t allowed to help in this way. She even said she was looking forward to meeting me in person, etc. She was perfectly nice outside of saying she was unable to do what I wanted.
And while I still might feel disappointed that they weren’t willing to go the extra-mile for me, I think a large chunk of my anger was really the shame of needing them to do it in the first place. Shame I already feel around my need. So once I was able to sit with the anger and allow the shame to come to the surface, I went back and reread the email and I could see she was being nice. She was trying to put it in the nicest way she could. Or at least that’s how I am reading it now. I am giving her the benefit of the doubt.
This is supposed to be the gift of mindfulness from what I was told. The ability to sit with something and not react. Allowing things to come to the surface. I am grateful I was able to do it today.
I know that my next steps could still prove this company is not the right fit for me, but at least I hope that the decision will come from experience and not emotional reaction.
And I hope I can learn to sit with discomfort more often. I can see it has a lot to teach me.
Ps: I don’t know if these posts are too vague. I wanted to make it generic so my point is clearer but I apologize if the abstraction is making it frustrating. If so, let me know.
Pps: I had the joy and privilege of being on the Paperclipping Roundtable today, you can listen to it here.
During the late Nineties, I spent some time writing novels. I’ve always been a voracious reader and, like many people, have dreamt of writing my own books. I did what I always do: I signed up for classes, both online and in person. I got involved with the community. I even wrote a class. I wrote some novels, of course. I continued this for a few years and then walked away.
I can’t remember one instance that made me stop but maybe I got busy. It was around the time I joined TFA so I am guessing life just got in the way. But I never picked it back up again.
Over the years, I’ve revisited the goal a few times. Each time I made a wish, life, mondo-beyondo or any other list, “write and publish a novel” always made it to the list. After the mondo-beyondo class, I even signed up for a fiction writing class but I just wasn’t feeling it.
So I decided maybe it was time to put this particular dream to rest.
Well, of course it won’t stay dormant for long because each time I see someone else publish a book, a piece of me wishes I did it, too.
But here’s the thing: I don’t know if I like to write. Many writers will say they feel a strong need to tell stories. That they write cause they have to. They want to. They feel to pull. Etc. etc.
Me…not so much.
I think I like the idea of having written more than the writing. I think I like the idea of having my published book. More than telling stories that are inside me, itching to get out. I like having it all done. Not doing it.
Which makes me believe this is not something I should be dreaming of. Not something I should be aiming for. If I don’t have the strong desire to write, I am likely not going to enjoy all that it takes to get a book out there. As it is, for those who crave the writing, it’s a long and difficult process to actually get a book published. So it seems silly for me to aim for it.
I am learning to differentiate between wanting to do something and wanting to have done it. One is about enjoying the process and the other is about looking good. Since life is all about the journey, the process, the steps along the way, I think it’s best to spend my time with things I love to do. And not things I will suffer through just to have it be done.
Life’s all about enjoying the journey. Enjoying the doing.
So maybe it’s time to permanently say goodbye to this one dream.
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projects for twenty twenty-four
projects for twenty twenty-three
projects for twenty twenty-two
projects for twenty twenty-one
projects for twenty nineteen
projects for twenty eighteen
projects from twenty seventeen
monthly projects from previous years
some of my previous projects
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