Almost a month ago, I registered a new domain.
Some people like to collect domains but not me. In the last fourteen years, I’ve only registered four domain names. One for karenika (right here), one for my photography business, one that I let expire after a year and now this one for my coaching business.
I registered the domain soon after my last class and then let it sit there.
I kept putting off working on it. I wasn’t sure what I wanted it to say. I didn’t know where to begin. I kept thinking it had to be “just right.” I had to have more of a plan before I started. I had to make sure it sounded professional. Or powerful. Exciting. Uplifting. Unique. Amazing.
Perfect.
I had a lot of ideas about what it had to be. And, of course, I was none of those things, so I just let it sit there and fester. I had several tabs open, waiting for me to update, haunting me day after day. A reminder of how I was slacking. A reminder of how I would never have the right words.
So, finally, tonight I decided to take my own advice and start.
I decided that instead of being perfect, this new site would be a living, breathing one. In the thirteen years I’ve had it, karenika.com has gone through many, many iterations. It took years for me to find the style, the voice, the tone, and the balance of what I wanted this place to be. And, of course, all of it changed as I changed. This place grew and morphed with my life, interests, passions, etc. There’s no reason to think that my new site has to be anything different.
Nothing in life is final. (except maybe death…)
After I decided to put all the voices in my head aside. I wrote up a draft, gave it a once over, read for possible grammer and spelling mistakes and then hit publish. I also copied over my blog post about starting since I think it applies to my overall coaching vision. And I was done.
Well, I had started.
I am confident it’s far from perfect. It reads funny and has holes. But it’s a start. And it allows me to take the first step so that others might follow. Sometimes it’s just about getting unstuck.
It all starts with the first step. However tiny.
I hope today you’ll take the first step in whatever you’ve been putting off.
December starts this weekend. For me, December is a very special time of the year. I like to take a lot of time off work. Spending quality time with my family and reflecting and planning and thinking and savoring.
There is a typical list of things I do each year. Places we visit, books that I finally get to, movies we watch, stuff we cook, etc. I also work on my December Daily album every day. But this year, I want to be even more conscious of the way I spend my magical month (as I like to call it.)
I want to really savor the moments and make conscious choices about how to use my time. I want to make sure to spend all of it guilt-free. I want to have no expectations of getting anything “done.” I want to really be present with my family. Be mindful of my attitude, my words, my mood in general. I may or may not be able to have the luxury of taking a lot of December off next year (or any other time in the future.) But I do have it now and I want to savor all that comes with. I have two kids who are still young enough to love the magic of the holidays. I have a husband whose work setup allows him to take time off and be flexible as well. These are not things I want to take for granted.
I want to greet each day with joy and gratitude. And end each day feeling full and content. I want to live every single day. This doesn’t mean I fill them with things to do. It just means I am right here, right now in this moment, all day, every day. This is something I am going to focus on for all of 2013 and it’s related to my word for next year, but I want to adopt it even before we begin the new year.
I want to focus on not splitting my attention. Not thinking about other stuff while I am doing something. Not stressing over the urgent and neglecting the important. Not worrying about what might happen and missing the magic of what is, in the process.
Savoring is all about that. To truly make the most of this moment, I have to be present in it. I have to pay attention to it and really live it. That’s one of the reasons I do December Daily. Knowing that I will create a page about this day makes me pay better attention to it. Makes me not “waste” it. Helps me notice the small things alongside the big ones.
Life changes so often and so quickly. Sometimes in small ways, other times in much bigger ways. Many of these changes are not even in our control. So instead of trying to worry over or control the future, I want to make sure December is all about savoring this magical time and our luck of being able to spend it together and being healthy and safe.
These little memories and moments are the bread and butter of life, if you ask me. And they are not to be glossed over. They are not to be wasted. They are to be cherished.
Savored.
I know I have likely written about this before but it’s fascinating to me how often certain patterns come up again and again in my life. It seems like certain lessons need to be learned again and again. Even when you know they work, you get into this state where it’s as if you are new to it all. And you’re surprised all over again.
Starting is one of those patterns for me.
I know from experience that there’s magic in starting. If there’s a new routine you want to add into your life, you just need to start. If you want to learn something new, you just need to start. If you want to change a behavior, you just need to start. If you had an idea that you’ve been holding on to for years, you just need to start. If you’re afraid, you just need to start. If you’re scared, you just need to start. If you don’t know what you’re doing, you just need to start.
You just need to start.
There’s magic in starting. It’s as if the world is watching and as you start, it changes shape to align to your wishes. To your goals. Things just tend to unfold. And as the obstacles come up, there’s enough force behind your momentum that you can conquer them.
This is not to say you need to go all in. You don’t need to quit your job, leave your family, move out of the country, or do anything drastic. You can start small. Tiny, even. Seeds don’t become trees overnight. They take time lay roots, connect with the earth and grow slowly. Deliberately.
It may take a long, long time for a seed to become a tree. But if you don’t start the process, it will never, ever actually become one. And much of the process might feel incredibly slow but once the seed is in the ground, magic is happening. Things are moving.
Only once the seed is in the ground. Once the first step is taken. However big or small.
I’ve seen this again and again in my life. The one day I decided to get up and exercise changed my whole life. Back then, I didn’t think “I will exercise every single day for two years.” I had never exercised before. I couldn’t even run to the end of the block. Let alone a 5K. I had been carrying my excess “pregnancy” weight around for seven years. I didn’t have an end goal in mind.
I just started.
I got up and exercised. The next day, I did it again. And again. And again. Until my streak got long enough for me to believe in it and not want to quit. Until I was able to run a 5K without faling apart. Once I conquered the five straight months, it became easy to keep going for the sixth. It only happened cause I started. Because instead of spending the next morning sitting on the couch, annoyed about my inability to tackle my weight/health issue, I actually took a walk. I did something about it. One tiny thing.
I started.
Trust me when I say there’s magic in starting. You might be a planner, a todo list maker, an adventurer, a dreamer, or someone who just likes to see how things go. It doesn’t matter if there is a long term plan or not.
All that matters is that you start. You take that one, tiny step today.
Right now.
Do not wait.
Start.
I am confident you won’t regret it.
It’s been a long time since I wrote one of these posts. My hibernation has been well-used but I miss writing here a lot. I usually spend some of my evenings writing these posts and now my nights are full with coaching clients and class. Whatever time I have leftover goes to family. I still miss these because, for me, they are a way to stay connected with myself and with my life. So I will try to find the space to write them again as I find my new schedule. (Which is an altogether different topic for a different day.)
My last coaching class was all about perspective and looking at a particular concern you have from many different perspectives and seeing how each of them felt. And then choosing one. The issue I decided to tackle was self-compassion. I am relatively good at forgiving others (especially people I love) and I give them many many chances. I tend to believe in the basic goodness of people and think that most people do not mean to cause harm onto others.
But I am much harder on myself.
I don’t like to let anyone down. I don’t like to be the cause of anyone’s pain. I don’t like to mess up. And when I do mess up, I am not so good at letting it go. I feel disproportionately disappointed in myself. I beat myself up and then hang on to the pain and sorrow for a long time.
One of my big goals for a few years (and especially for 2013) is to be more present and pay attention to this moment. Not get hung up on the past and not to worry about the future. I really, deeply believe this is a crucial step for peace.
So when I was thinking about all this during my class, I decided to do a daily ritual to help create more self-compassion in my life.
Each night, I sit on my bed, light a small candle and say “I forgive myself for all the mistakes I made today. I am now letting this day go so I can begin tomorrow fresh.” And then I blow out my candle.
Then I write down three things I am grateful for from today. Things that are specific to my life. I was writing them on paper but now I write them on my ipad which automatically emails them to me. This way when I wake up in the morning, the first thing I see is the candle I blew out so I can remember that I let the bad go. And then I go downstairs and one of the first things I do in the morning is check my mail so I am greeted by the three things I was grateful for so I can remember them again and feel the joyful wash of gratitude.
I think letting go of the bad and highlighting the good both go a long way toward self-compassion. I would prefer not to have a little fire but I love the physical motion of blowing out the candle. It feels like letting go. It feels like an ending. And I want it to feel that way. That’s what rituals do for you. They create the clearing you need so you can make space for new things.
I’ve only been doing this for a few days but I do feel its magic and so I wanted to document for myself and also share with you in case it might be something that works for you, too. If you have other ways of clearing the space and welcoming the next day from scratch, I’d love to know them so I hope you share.
In the meantime, I am taking this very small step to being more present. Letting go of each day and allowing myself to welcome the new day fresh and open.
And welcoming the possibilities.
Life seems to be so very crazy lately. I feel like the days are racing by. The books I want to read are piling up. I’m falling behind in the art I want to create. The emails are out of control. I can’t seem to sit down and write here. I am not taking photos that document our life. Even the Tivo is filling up. It feels like a constant catch-up game. Please tell me some of you out there are feeling this, too?
I don’t really know what happened to September and October. In another week we’re going to be into November. I can’t believe 2012 is almost over.
I often go into what I consider to be a resting period starting mid-November or so. I think maybe it’s just starting earlier this year. I basically slow down. A lot. And lately I’ve been feeling an overwhelming need to slow down my “typical” routines.
I’ve had deadlines and todos for some of my regular commitments. And work, of course. Taking the kids to school and back, sitting to oversee homework, teaching the little one to read, and just trying to kiss them as much as I can. I’ve also been giving sample sessions and coaching sessions for new clients. I’ve been going to class.
But when there’s a moment of quiet, I’ve been wanting to do nothing. Nothing.
Nothing is not a common state for me. In fact I have a lot to write about the Default Mode Network of the brain and the flow mode. Both of which we covered in class this week, but that’s for another day. I like to fill my minutes up. I like to read and do art and work on my savor project.
But not lately. I feel a stronger pull to veg out than usual. This is common for the holiday season, but I’ve never felt it happen so early in the year. During the holidays I read pretty much non stop. I read books I’ve been piling all year. I drop all my projects and self-commitments and just do what I want. I do it all guilt free. It’s the joy of December.
And I think maybe this year I have to start it early.
Maybe all this resistance is a sign that I need an extended December this year.
So I am officially letting myself off the hook. I will do only what I want, when I want. I will continue my commitments to others. I will show up for my kids. I will be teaching the December Daily Boot Camp for Gossamer Blue and the 12 Days of Christmas for Big Picture Classes. I will be coaching. I will be going to class. I will be exercising. But other than those, I am going let myself relax. Stress free and guilt free. I will do what I want, when I want. If some of my personal projects go by the wayside for November, so be it.
Instead, the books will get read, TV will be watched, there will be snuggles, resting, sleeping, planning for 2013, and hopefully solid amounts of meditation.
Bring it On.
I’ve often heard the question “What would you do if you had one more day left to live?” I find that, for me, this question isn’t as life changing as it might appear.
If I had only one day left, clearly I wouldn’t be spending it at work. It’s only 24 hours, so I would likely go to the beach or forest with my family and spend the day just in their company. I’d try to soak up all their laughter and joy and remember how they smell, how they laugh, and hug them all day long. I’d tell them how much I love them and how much they mean to me. I’d also take a bunch of time to send each friend a little note to thank them for who they are.
All of which is great but it’s not exactly correlated to how I might change my life in general. The fact is, I will (hopefully) not die tomorrow. If I only had one day to live, some of the longer term goals are unachievable. I cannot save more money for my kids’ future. Or do a longer term project that might be important to me. So comparing how I live my last day to how I might then change my current life isn’t realistic to me. (Sure they might be some takeaways but not as much as I’d like.)
I think a more interesting question is “What would you do if you knew you had five years left to live?” Five years is a long enough time that I would likely not quit working altogether. I have time to complete some of the longer-term goals. I wouldn’t just drop or uproot my life.
But I might still make some big changes.
Five years is long enough to make some lasting changes, long enough to think things through. But it’s short enough to not want to waste a minute of it. It’s short enough to envision the end and work backwards and put more value on each minute, on each day. On each week.
I think knowing I had only five years left would significantly change the way I live my life. I feel like I would get more choosy with how I spend my days. Who I hang out with. How much energy I spend worrying about different aspects of my life. I think thinking about five years allows me a more balanced perspective.
To be fair, there are some exceptions even in the “five year” scenario. For example, I might not worry about my weight or nutrition or exercise. At least not as diligently as now. One of the reasons I do a bunch of these health-initiatives is for long-term health. Which is sort of moot in the the “five year” scenario.
But despite those loopholes, I still think the “How would you change your life if you knew you only had five more years to live” gives you more food for thought. More ways to look at your life realistically and see what changes you could implement right now. There’s no reason you can’t live a more fulfilled life right now. One that aligns with your values and hopes and wishes.
So that’s my challenge for you today. Think about how you would live your life if you only had five more years. What would you change? What would stay the same? What would you never do again? What would you do more often?
I have this lovely pattern where one tiny event will happen and I will start doubting myself. It could be an unreturned email. Or a funny look that I completely misinterpret. Or maybe a legitimate mess up. Something will happen to make me go to my “bad place” and start the conversations in my head. From there on, I get stuck in this “bad place” and continually try to figure out why I am there. What did I do wrong? How could I have done differently? What is this person thinking of me now? It’s a cycle and it lives inside my head.
Sounds familiar?
Ruminating.
For the longest time, I thought every single person did this. Apparently it’s not the case cause I’ve since met people who don’t get caught up like I do. Who don’t trying to think their way out of these kinds of problems. The first time I met someone like that I remember thinking how lucky they were. How I wished I could turn mine off too.
And I was so right.
Here’s what I learned in this week’s class: Rumination is not good for you. For these kinds of problems, you cannot think your way out of them. This is not the kind of problem where you might collect more data, consult friends. think a bit and solve. This is you getting “hooked in” to a thought and then trying to ruminate your way out of it. The kind of stuff that hooks you in again and again. To make it easier to distinguish and remember, she put up two images. A fish hook and then the thinker. The first step is the thought that hooks you in and then the second step is sitting there and trying to solve it by thinking your way out of it. For those situations, ruminating mostly causes suffering.
As we meditated in class, she told us to pay attention to the thoughts that came up so we could recognize random ones like “this room is hot” or “oh i need to send email to so and so” vs the ones that hooked us in like ” oh i forgot to do this thing again. i always forget to do what i said i would. why do i behave like this each time and let down the people around me.” She said when such a thought came up, to notice it and then to let it go. (This was open awareness meditation where you imagine a blue sky and visualize your thoughts passing by like clouds. So you’d note the hooking thought but not get hooked by it.)
I’ve been thinking about this image of a hook since the class. And I think it’s so appropriate. My hooks are all around the stories I’ve created for my life. When a situation hooks me in, I don’t even notice, I just fall into the abyss of the story. My goal now is to start paying more attention to the situations, words, people that cause me to get “hooked in” so instead of ruminating, I can notice them and say “aha! there it is again, i’m not getting caught in it this time.” And maybe if I can notice it and let it go enough times, it will stop hooking me in at some point.
Like most other things, here’s another area where raising awareness is the key. The more I recognize it, the less I might fall into the abyss.
If I’m lucky.
This year has been a challenging one for me. I feel like I fell into some kind of hole back in March and took forever to get out of it. And when I finally did for a few months, school started and my schedule went upside down and some of my peace went along with it. I’ve been working consistently in the last few weeks to bring it back.
One of the things I’ve been doing in this vein is to reframe my thinking. I’ve noticed that my most common point of view is of anxiety and worry. I make a lot of things bigger than they are and then I feel like they will swallow me whole if I don’t do them perfectly. That the world will tilt on its axis.
But the trick, I think, is to do the opposite.
The trick to life, I’m learning, is to show up, be/do your best at that moment, and then just let things be.
That’s pretty much all we can do. All the worrying leading up to things and afterwards is quite pointless. This is not to say there isn’t room for preparation and reflection. Both are useful. But not the anxiety and stress I seem to add. Also not the identity-attribution. No one thing defines me. If I mess up at work, it doesn’t mean I am a worthless person. If I yell at my kid, he will not hate me forever. It doesn’t make me less worthy. To me, each and everything I do seems to be super-most-important. Because somewhere along the line I decided that integrity was of utmost importance to me and that I had to commit to everything with equal vigor.
Here’s what I am learning: not everything is equally important. It’s good to learn to say no and turn things down that I cannot follow through on. But even after all those, not everything on my plate is equally important. If I live as if they are I end up either burning out or stressing out.
And here’s the worst part: for me, my kids and husband are what’s most important. Hands down. But when I am burned out or stressed out, they are the first people I treat badly. Partly cause they are right there and maybe because deep down I know they’ll forgive me.
But they shouldn’t have to.
So I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching and trying to remind myself that I will not be able to do it all equally well. I can show up at this moment and deliver my best and then I have to let it go so I can save my best energy for the most important things and people.
In an effort to reframe, I’ve also been trying to look at things from different points of view. Instead of thinking of something as make or break, I’m reminding myself that it’s an opportunity to learn and grow and if it works out, great, but if not, I’ve learned and that’s valuable on its own. When looking at it as a learning experience, things seem less scary to me. I put less pressure on myself. And when the anxiety is gone, I can be so much more present. Which often allows me to perform better, be more authentic, and feel more empowered.
All because I choose to look at the same thing differently.
It’s not easy to turn off who you are and I know anxiety and worry are a part of who I am but I’ve noticed that this reframing does work and it’s a trick I can use to bring more peace into my life, my tasks.
And anything that brings more peace is always welcome in my life.
This morning, on the way to dropping off the boys, I was listening to another one of Tara Brach’s podcasts. On this one, she mentioned how feelings only last for just a few seconds. The life of an actual feeling is pretty short, and yet, we carry them for such a long time. What makes us get attached to the feeling is the thoughts we have around it. We feel something, however ephemerally, and we immediately attach meaning to it. We’re meaning-making machines after all. So we create this story around what this feeling “means” and then we spend the rest of our lives feeding that story. We do it so often and with so little mindfulness that it simply becomes “truth.”
At some point, we completely forget that this “story” was never true. We feed it more and more until it’s just a part of who we are and how we define ourselves. Everything that comes after that is just more fodder for the “story.”
As I listened to this, I thought of all the areas of my life where this is true. All the beliefs I have about myself. The way I think of myself and look at myself. Some of these thoughts and beliefs are so engrained in my core that it’s hard to tell when they started and how to separate them from who I am. Or who I believe I am.
Tara mentions Byron Katie in her talk and I’d read some of Katie’s books a while ago when I took Stephanie Lee’s classes. And she has these four questions:
- Is it true?
- Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
- How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
- Who would you be without the thought?
And Tara talks about doing an exercise where you just assume it’s not true. Like if I believed that I am a person who needs to be peaceful. What if I just assumed I didn’t need peace. What if each time the thoughts/feeling came up, I just said, “I don’t need peace.” I am Ok or I am already peaceful or whatever, just let that thought not be true. What would happen then?
This idea made me very curious. What if I questioned some of my fundamental beliefs about myself (especially the negative ones) and just practiced assuming they were untrue. What would happen then? It’s as if I am going all the way back to that one moment of first feeling an emotion and choosing not to write the story I wrote. Choosing to let that feeling float away without it meaning anything. So now I have no story. Nothing to feed over the next 30-some years. And maybe then it’s no longer a belief. No longer a part of my identity.
Even the “good” parts of our identity can sometimes weigh us down. For example, I am quite responsible. It’s at the core of who I am. On the whole, this is a good thing. It’s helped me achieve a lot of success and respect in life. But sometimes this feeling of needing to be responsible can make me feel crushed and stressed and cause me to overwork, overcommit, etc. So even a seemingly positive trait might be worth questioning.
This talk made me think all day about all the “automatic” thoughts that come to my mind. The way I react to things. The assumptions I make about what I “have to” do. Who I am and who I must be. It’s shocking how many assumptions I make all day long. It’s shocking how many core beliefs I have that I could easily question now that I notice them.
I decided that I would spend one whole day next week taking notes as some of these things pop into my mind. So I can see them in plain sight and see all the assumptions I make. See all the stories I created. If I spend a whole day believing nothing about myself, assuming nothing, and creating no new stories, how would that look? I am curious to see if it’s even possible.
But I love the idea of the possibility. If nothing about me has to be true, I can let anything go and pick up anything else I want. Or I can just be present and open to whatever is here.
Wouldn’t that be magical?
When I was a senior in college there was a special meeting for all the international students. The career center got us all together into a room and explained that in the United States, when interviewing for a job, you wanted to make sure to talk about your strengths. They said that while they understand this may look like boasting for some cultures, at a job interview, it was the only way for the interviewer to find out more about you. It is important to talk about accomplishments and credentials and successes.
However uncomfortable it might feel.
Even though I don’t think I come from a culture like that, it seems to be incredibly difficult for me to give myself any kind of credit. Maybe it comes down to lack of self-worth. But I think this partly comes from the fact that I know exactly how much I don’t know. I am very aware of how much more there can be. I have a good sense of the people who are better, more capable, more talented, more intelligent than I am. I tend to be improvement-focused so I don’t pay attention to those behind me. Just what’s ahead and how much more I can be. So it seems obvious to me that I just don’t qualify to boast. To claim.
It feels too much like posturing to me.
So I always shy away from it. I hope that I have good managers and that my work can speak for itself. I know there are times this gets in the way but I haven’t found a way to work around the discomfort.
So here’s why this is coming up today. A while ago, I began the certification process for coaching. Life coaching. The kind where you talk to someone about anything in your life: career, family, friends, goals, dreams, daily annoyances that you want to change, etc. Where you’re committed to change but need someone to coach you along. This not about having someone with the answers. You already have all the answers or know how to get them. This is about having someone completely on your side who wants you to get to your goals and dreams as much as you do. Someone on your corner cheering you, invigorating you, etc.
And so now I am looking for clients. But I don’t want to come here and write a long post about how great I am and why you should work with me. Feels inauthentic. No matter how I try. Instead here’s what I will say: I am a big believer that our current life, just as it is, without huge modifications, can be lived with so much more joy. So much more aligned with who we are. And I am very motivated to work with people who want to live every minute of their lives. This might mean a career goal, a new relationship or it might mean a million small changes. Either way, I just believe that it’s worth making your life magnificent for you and if I can be a part of helping you get that, well that’s just a privilege. And you’ll get 100% of me on your side.
So if you’re looking for a coach and want to consider me, email me at coach@karenika.com. I’ll be up front, there will be a fee involved (though relatively minimal compared to industry norms) and it will require commitment. So if you’re up for it, email me and we’ll take it from there. If you have friends who might want it, please feel free to send them my way. I don’t have a lot of open spots but I do have a few.
I never like to advertise things on this blog so you will likely not hear about this again for a while. But I might mention it, especially as I feel my way around this.
And I could list a bunch of my credentials, or make a post on why I am the good choice and I am worth your money and time, but I can’t seem to do it the way I want to so I just didn’t want to sit on this any longer. If you’re reading this, chances are you’ve been here a while and know me, who I am, and what I might bring to the table. And if you don’t but you’re still interested, well, email me and we can see where it goes.
I am grateful to say that even though I am not one for self-praising too much, I’ve been luckier in life than not. I have a solid career, a loving husband and some amazing friends. So I am going to hope that being who you are and showing up as fully yourself works more often than not.
Let’s hope.
Sorry about not updating last night. I was watching the Presidential Debate and then I went to sleep. I feel like I don’t have much to say lately. Partly cause I am quite exhausted mentally, partly cause when the day’s over, I just want to veg in front of the TV or curl into bed with a good book. So between my Monday night class and the long days, thought-updates have been infrequent. I expect that will change at some point.
In the meantime, here’s what else is going on:
- I’ve begun to think about Christmas already. Starting my December Daily and even bought some train tickets for mid-December already.
- I was honored to be on Paperclipping Roundtable yesterday. You can listen here if you’d like.
- I am reading about five books simultaneously which I never ever do. Three of them are non-fiction, but still, this is very unlike me and shows my lack of focus lately.
- I’ve been trying to make some major decisions and I’ve noticed lately that I just blow everything out of proportion. I don’t like to take the next step unless I know how five steps down the road is going to turn out.
- Even sitting down to do art has been a bit of a chore which is saying a lot.
- I am still exercising daily (just passed my two-year mark this week.) but it’s been a struggle for the last two months.
- I finally booked an appointment to go back to the trainer next week.
- Now if I could only fix the food situation, too. And not just me but for the kids, too.
- I am in the middle of Unraveling and Brave Girl Art Camp online classes. I love them both but am not dedicating enough time/energy to either. I think 2013 will be a lot more about finishing and redoing the classes I took this year and last year.
- I’ve been thinking a lot about my word for 2013. I have a lot of ideas and I keep deciding on one and then changing it up. Savor has served me well and I really love it and don’t want to let go of it. In fairness, I felt the same way about “free” last year this time.
- I’ve begun some of my art projects for 2013 already. Just feeling my way and seeing how much I like them. I’ve also been thinking about The Savor Project (my version of PL) and whether and how I will continue with it.
- The kids’ school had a pipe burst so school has been closed for two days and will be closed for another two. Then two days on and then 3 days off again. It’s been a blessing not to have to set alarms, get lunches and drive back and forth four times a day. I love having them around, too.
- I really wish time would stop for about two weeks so I could catch up on all my TV, books, art and personal projects. Then it can start up again and I can be with people I love and do work all without guilt.
- I miss meditating. I keep saying I will do it but each day as I lie down in bed, I realized I didn’t do it again. But I am still listening to Tara Brach and still enjoying every single moment of it.
- I am afraid that before I get my new routine down, it will be mid-November and then it will all come undone with holidays and more holidays. Next thing we know it will be 2013. I am not ready yet.
And there you go. A bit of what’s going on here. What’s going on with you?
This is how I’ve been feeling lately: stinky.
One the things Tara Brach talks about in her podcasts is the “small self” and how when we’re so me-centered, or preoccupied or in a rush or worried, etc, we go into our small self. And I feel like I’ve been living there lately. I just feel scattered and tired and consumed with stress. I notice myself stressing and then get mad at myself. Which doesn’t really help.
It’s taking me longer than September to get back into the cycle of things this time around. And I am not being kind to myself about it. I go back and forth between trying to figure out if I should be more stringent with myself or just cut myself some slack. I honestly don’t know the answer this time around.
But I have noticed that I’m spending a lot more time being my small self. Which keeps me preoccupied, thinking about myself and my needs and feeling sorry for myself. And I know, from experience, that this is not productive. I am not at my best when I am being this person. I assume the worst of others. I compound my stress by reading into every single thing I can read into. I embrace the pity.
Which clearly is not the way out.
So I’ve been thinking about the way out today. How do I get out back to the sunshine and blue skies? Because despite the rush of it all and despite the stress, life is good. Life is amazing. My cup is overflowing. I am unwaveringly lucky. Blessed. I really am and I know it deep in my heart.
Alas while the bird’s eye view is bright, the small self gets caught up in the small moments. In the rush of life. And I’ve been feeding it the wrong stuff. Bad food, TV, negative journaling, etc.
I think it was during Soul Restoration II that we made this long list of things that make me feel good. And I’m thinking it’s time to make one of those lists again. Remembering what makes my soul feel good and feeding it some of that. Consistently. Not doing the things “I should” but doing the things “I love.” For me, this doesn’t translate to chocolate and TV (but maybe some of that, too.) It translates to going to see the water. The ocean. The waves. The tall trees. Spending time with my kids without worrying about other items on my todo list. Maybe also making a list of all my worries and burying them. Lightening up the load I’m carrying a bit. My MBSR teacher mentioned scheduling time in my day to worry so when something came up, I’d say “I’m not going to worry about you now, but I’ll schedule that for 2:30.” Maybe I can see if that works.
I’m not sure what will do the trick but I do know I need to start trying to go another direction. Time to shed the small self.
Time to start finding the way out.
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projects for twenty twenty-four
projects for twenty twenty-three
projects for twenty twenty-two
projects for twenty twenty-one
projects for twenty nineteen
projects for twenty eighteen
projects from twenty seventeen
monthly projects from previous years
some of my previous projects
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