Well, it’s almost the end of 2011. Another year gone. I remember thinking at the end of 2010 that it had been a great year for me and that I couldn’t possibly do better in 2011. But I was ok with that. 2010 was great and it gave me the support I needed to tackle some newer, more ambitious goals for the following year. If I didn’t do as well, well that was okay, too. It didn’t have to get better.
But it did.
It got so much better. I feel like 2011 was significantly better than 2010 (which is saying a lot considering how I felt about 2010), in just about every way. And I am deeply, deeply grateful.
Projects
Like last year, I want to start by reviewing my projects (the title of each section links to the original post I made in December 2010 about the project I was undertaking):
Daily Diary:
I wanted to do a random photo, daily family photos, 3 gratitudes for me and 3 for david each day. I did this daily all the way up to a few months ago when I switched to posting weekly. The change was very conscious with the intention of creating the space for myself so that I could post more of the “thoughts” posts I used to do in the past. When I look back on the years of my blog, these “thoughts” posts are some of my favorites and I wanted to get back to capturing them more. Having the daily posts made it harder for me to do that. The weekly setup is working well for me and I plan to continue it in 2012.
A Book a Week:
As usual, this wasn’t a big problem. I love reading and do it as often as I can. With two book clubs, I have a lot of external motivation to read literary and interesting books. I have spent a lot of time reading Young Adult novels this week as there seem to be many good ones and I’ve given up reading anything that I consider unnecessarily sad. I am not sure how much longer this Young Adult novel kick will continue but I am ok with it so far. Whatever gives me joy is the motto I’m sticking to. I’m not reading so others can approve. I am reading for me. As it turned out I’ve actually read over 70 books in 2011.
Weekly Art Journal:
Well this has been a success if I say so. I had no idea how this project was going to go. I’d been scared of and interested in Art Journaling for so so long. I had no reason to believe this year was going to work any better than the past, but it did. It did! I’ve made over 200 art journal pages this year. I’ve art journaled consistently since February. I’ve created things I hated and things I loved and everything in between. I’ve taken many classes and experienced with so many mediums. And I’ve found my voice. At least one kind. I’m still playing with this but I feel so much better. I feel like this year has been a tangible step forward in art journaling for me.
Six Portraits a Week -> Daily Sketching:
Well this project morphed. It started with me wanting to learn how to draw faces, which I tried. I took classes, I practiced and I had mixed results. And then I got bored. I secretly wanted to learn to sketch so I changed this project to sketching. Which I did regularly since April. I’ve created over 250 sketches this year. I’ve used graphite, colored pencils, pastels, acrylic, and watercolors. I’ve drawn realistic, whimsical, landscape, portraits, and everything in between. I’ve created a practice. I still have a very long way to go here but I love love love sketching and I am deeply grateful to have picked it up. This is the area I hope to make a lot of headway in next year.
A Book a Week with David:
David and I read 52 books this year. Here’s our list. I am deeply grateful for this project. We read so many incredible books. We laughed. We shared so many moments. He loved so many of them and he is an avid reader on his own, too. For me, it’s some of the most precious moments David and I shared this year.
Healthy for Life:
Another huge success. I lost more than 20% of my body weight this year. I went from being on the top the normal weight range to the very bottom. I went down about 6-8 dress sizes. I started eating almost exclusively whole foods. And, most significantly, I exercised every single day this year. Every day. I am amazed to even write that sentence. I have never ever exercised for more than a week or two in my whole life. This was a huge change in my life. I am deeply grateful for it and very conscious of the effort it will take to keep it up. I’m fully committed to being healthier now and I will not destroy all the hard-work I’ve done in this space. Hands-down the biggest personal accomplishment I’ve achieved in a long, long time.
Us Right Now:
The biggest goal of this project was to make sure I was in more photos with my family. I wanted photos with me in them. And now I have hundreds of them. This project brought all of us so much joy despite the bickering and even yelling during the shoots. We tickled and laughed and made jokes. I love looking at these photos. I love their ordinariness. I love their imperfection. Most of all, I love that I am in them!! I cannot recommend this project enough to everyone.
That’s it for the projects I’d selected for 2011. I did relatively well with all of them and I am happy with how they turned out. I’ve printed all the cards and put them in their albums, too. All set to say good-bye to some and welcome new ones. A sign of a project that really works for me is that I choose to continue doing it. Like I did last year for the gratitude project. I carried the gratitude practice from 2010 to 2011 and will do so to 2012. I am carrying over almost every single project from this year to 2012. This, to me, is a sign that I chose well and have received a lot of joy from doing these projects. Let’s see how they turn out for 2012.
Goals for Each Priority
I had some other goals for 2011, too. Here’s a quick summary on some that are not mentioned and how I think they turned out:
- Start a family night where we all play games or watch movies. This worked out good for the most part. We did it almost regularly and I loved each of them. We will continue this for 2012.
- Take a class with Nathaniel We never did this one. Well, I tried one class but barely went which is rare for me. I disliked it quite a bit. We set a special mommy-and-me project for 2012 so I hope that will work well.
- Schedule minimum bimonthly date nights with Jake We did quite a few of these. Most of them were to the movies. I’d like more variety for 2012.
- Exercise & Food goals I had some goals around running a 10k, which I never did. I decided this is not a goal for me. I don’t really care to race. I just want to exercise. I also wanted to do more strength exercises which I still want to do. I need to focus on this one more. I did ok on vegetables and protein but could do significantly better. But I did finally manage to quit the coffee and graham crackers. (though in the last month, I’ve been drinking one latte a day but I plan to quit that before 2012.)
- Monthly photo excursion I totally did not do this one. I am not sure why honestly. Most of the non-family photos I took this year were of flowers. I like flowers okay but they are not my favorite subject. They were just the most convenient one. I’m going to have to think about this one a bit more and see what I want for 2012.
- Write weekly extended photo articles on my blog I’ll be honest. This is not something I want to do. I sometimes go through these phases where I think of things I “should” do on my blog to get more readers or links, whatever. But then I remember that this blog is mine. It’s my fun, my personal space and for me. It’s not really to make money or draw interest by doing something that feels painful to me. And, so I don’t plan to do this unless I can find a way that makes it fun for me.
- Figure out for once an all if I want an etsy shop and what will go in it Another controversial area for me. Something I felt like I should do but not something I want to do. So, unless some amazing idea comes to me when I am not looking for it, this one is shelved permanently.
- Scrapbooking After the tangible progress in 2010, I felt like 2011 was a quieter year for me and scrapping. I still scrapped quite a bit between all the assignments I had and goals I made for myself. But I certainly didn’t do it as much as last year and I haven’t been feeling the motivation to do so as much. But when I do sit to scrap, I find that it still gives me all the joy it’s always given me. I don’t know how this will evolve in 2012. I am leaving it be for now. I will be scrapping a lot in a different way for the savor project and i will have design team assignments. I am guessing those will keep me busy for a while until I sort out where I want the scrapbooking to go.
- Writing This is an area where I didn’t do as well as I’d hoped in 2011. I did start writing more thought-oriented posts and I loved doing those and I did my newsletters which also made me happy. Most significantly, I started journaling again and it’s had an incredible impact on my happiness. However, I didn’t write a new class, downloadable, or a novel. I don’t want to do any of these things. I think that if I don’t feel ultra-motivated to do it, I shouldn’t do it. Time is precious and I don’t want to waste mine.
- Learning I took a lot more classes than I’d intended. I loved most of them. I didn’t write an ipad app. I didn’t code much at all. I also didn’t make the stop-motion movie. I still hope to do that one. I have some audacious learning goals for 2012. I am scared of them. But that’s the idea.
- Community In the end, I did okay on this one. Not excellent but better than I was. I made some new friends. We had many guests over. This area is challenging for me and I hope to grow more in 2012.
Free
My word for 2011 was Free. I wanted to let go of the past and feel free to do anything I want for my future. I wanted to be lighter by letting go of the load I’ve been carrying around all these years and be free to do, be, feel anything.
Of all the words I’ve had so far, this one seems to have had the most impact on me. I truly feel freer than I’ve been. I’ve spent a lot of time and work on letting go. This area will always be something I need to work at but I’ve made leaps and bounds of progress here. More than I’ve made in 20 years. And I’ve made some huge leaps in moving forward too. Sketching, art journaling, trying new things. These are major leaps for me. Not telling myself that I can’t. Or that I have no talent.
Most significantly, I feel like I’ve become a lot more aware this year. I notice things I do. The ways in which I am not kind to myself. The actions I take as a result of some past history. I’ve been able to course-correct so much more often. I’ve been able to come up with coping strategies. I’ve been able to fix things, let go of things, and embrace things.
And the greatest gift of this year has been an overwhelming feeling of gratitude. Somewhere along the line I realized how incredibly lucky I am. How much I have in my life. And since that moment I’ve been feeling a deep sense of gratitude. I can’t even put it into words properly. It’s not just words. It’s a very powerful feeling that washes over me several times a day now. It often stops me in my tracks. It’s fragile and tender and truly wonderful. It allows me to let go of everything because the sensation of gratitude is so wide and so deep. It’s easily been the best gift of this year. I hope to hang on to it for the rest of my life.
And there we go. Another year gone.
Here’s to an even better 2012. May I savor every moment of it.
Happy 2011.
A New Year means a new word for me. In case you haven’t noticed it when I changed my banner, my one little word for 2011 is Free.
Free.
As I do every year, I feel like it’s the most important word I could have chosen. It has meaning on two levels for me:
The first part is about the past. I want to be free of my past. Of the ideas, thoughts, worries in my head of who I am, what I can do, what I deserve, etc. The past has a strong way of influencing who you are. And, of course, who you are affects your dreams, future possibilities and aspirations. The people and thoughts and words in your past shape who you’ve become and they are creating a limited view of the world for you. At least this is what I believe. I have a lot of strong convictions about what I am good at and what I should and should not do.
So a big part of this word (and this year) for me is letting go of the past. Of the hurt I carry around. Of the anger, jealousy, resentment I have for some of the people who broke my spirit. Of the words that were said to me or whispered behind my back. Of the limitations provided by my surroundings. Of the needs I think I have.
I want to be free of the past that’s chained to me. I want to feel like I am an empty vessel waiting to be filled with joy and possibility and dreams that I make up. Anything I want. Completely free. Starting over and not in the way I thought moving to America would help me start over. Not running away. Not trying to fake it. Not burying it all deep down. Not any of those avoiding tactics. I am happy to sit and face everything bad, sad, and ugly and just make my peace with it. Truly, genuinely let it go. I think this will be cathartic and I want to do it.
The other portion of this for me is about the future or maybe even the now. I want to feel free to do anything my heart desires. For example, I really want to learn to draw but I have a lot of voices in my head that tell me I can’t. I am not good at it. I am a computer person not an artistic one. Etc. etc. Same for exercise. I am not in shape. I can’t run. I can’t draw. I can’t can’t can’t. I have a lot of ideas of what I can and cannot do. What’s right and what’s wrong. I want to be free of all of that and feel free to do or be anything. I want to feel all that weight lift off.
I want to be free of worry. I want to let go and see that the world doesn’t stop turning and see that the people who love me still love me. I want to show myself that I can draw. I can run. I can. I can. I can.
So there you go. That’s my goal for 2011.
Since this word is so important to me, I’ve done a millon things to keep myself in this space mentally. I surrounded myself with reminders. I’ve decided birds and butterflies and angels are my symbols for free. And I’ve put them everywhere. Starting with my blog banner. If you look carefully towards the bottom of the flower stem, you’ll see the word “free.”
And then I got a necklace as I seem to yearly now.
Actually my mom brought the necklace. And when she came, she was wearing these two rings with butterflies on them. I begged to have them and of course she graciously agreed. I wear one right now:
I was taking this class from Tam at that time that I was thinking about my word. During the last class, she painted this amazing angel. I fell in love with her during the sneak she posted of the picture. I hadn’t even watched the video yet. And when I watched the whole thing, I felt like the angel was watching me the whole time and to my utter amazement (and joy), Tam wrote “I am free” at the bottom of the painting. I bought the print as soon as I finished watching the video and it hangs above my desk now.
I love love love love this image. I adore it.
My mom also bought me a birdcage and a nest and bird. It sits right next to my desk and the cage is open with the bird sitting on the nest outside the cage. As in, it’s free and not caged.
And finally I covered my art journal with a bird and cage, too. And I even put the word free on my daily planner moleskine:
I know I went overboard but, trust me, this word matters to me. What it represents matters to me. I cannot have enough reminders. I’ve also signed up for Ali’s Big Picture class. Depending on what they are, I plan to do the assignments in my art journal.
I also started a new tradition this year. A while back, I was listening to The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People and one of the things the author mentions is managing our time and how we spend much of it doing what’s urgent instead of doing what’s important. As in, we’re often reacting instead of thinking ahead and calmly acting in the direction of our dreams and priorities.
So I decided it would beneficial for me to make a “Priority List”. A list of goals and people I want to prioritize during 2011. This way, when an opportunity or request came my way, I could check my list and make sure it is aligned with my priorities before I accepted it. It’s easy to lose sight of things and take on projects that end up eating a lot of my time and not making me fulfilled. If I had my list to look at each time, I could keep what’s important at the forefront of my mind and make sure to prioritize it.
Here’s my Priority List for 2011:
* Family
* Health
* Work
* Art + Photography
* Scrapbooking
* Reading
* Writing
* Learning
* Community
These are not in order. Yes, most of the time my family comes first. However, there are times when work takes higher priority because it has to for a brief time. Or sometimes I might choose to exercise even if my son wants to play at that moment. These priorities are fluid for me. They are all a part of me and I want to make sure I value them and dedicate time to each. I also want to make sure I turn down anything that doesn’t line up with one of these.
I know it looks like it’s all-encompassing and I spose if you wanted to, you could make everything fit into one of these categories but, in my heart, I know what these mean. And I know when something comes along that doesn’t fit. Above everything, I want to stay true to my gut. I’ve made the mistake of doing something that will look good and make others think well of me before and it was a lot of heartache for me and so I want to listen to myself more and trust my gut and know that if I turn down something that feels wrong, other opportunities will still come my way and I will know when the right one is there. So I will have faith in myself and in the universe.
And I will prioritize the important.
Since I like visual reminders. I used a beautiful Maya Road product to remind me of my priorities for 2011. I coincidentally happened to have 9 so it was perfect:
I had a lot of long words so I wrote them all on the computer, printed, cut, inked, colored with copics, and then slightly embellished with mostly butterflies.
And there we are. Here’s to an amazing 2011.
The year I will finally be FREE.
Well here we are.
It’s the last day of 2010 and tomorrow a fresh, new year starts. And despite how I feel, I know that I am totally ready! Since I spend the last few weeks of the year thinking about my projects, I also begin working on them slowly so that it’s not a harsh cutoff as the year begins. So I’ve already been drawing and painting faces and reading to david and reading books from my 2011 list, and sketching, and exercising of course. this way when tomorrow comes it’s not like I am beginning 17 new things. or so I hope 🙂
The first thing I wanted to do when I look back was to review the projects I’d picked for 2010, so here we go in no particular order:
Weekly Gratitude
I think this one was a huge personal success. Not only did I fulfill the intent of posting thoughts once a week and art once a week but I also wrote down 3 things every day. And then in a wonderful spin-off, so did my son David. And then he started keeping a gratitude journal. This project is easily one of my all-time favorite things I did. Ever. You can find all of my weekly gratitude posts here.
Daily Diary
This, too, was successful. I managed to post diary entires for every day in 2010 (assuming I manage to post one tonight.) And I had a non-family photo for every day as well. According to my computer that’s 2,247 photos for this year for this project. I did do my gratitudes but I originally had also intended on writing some thoughts for each day and that got dropped somewhere along the way and I was all-too-happy not to pick it up again. It was hard for me to think of things to write and instead this year I decided to do longer, thought-out posts once a week. Let’s see if that works out.
Here’s a favorite shot from 2010 (it won’t come as a surprise of course)
and here’s a favorite shot for nathaniel (though I have many many):
and one for david:
and one for the love of my life:
As for me, I took this photo of me last night as I got dressed for company. It’s nothing special but just a visual reminder of all the hard work I’ve been doing lately:
You can find all of the daily diary posts here.
Crafting with David
This was one of those projects that got abandoned somewhere in the middle of the year. To be fair, we made quite a few projects together and we abandoned it because I started to teach David how to read. We did workbooks. And then we read together. And then he started the gratitude journal. So we did continue to spend time together but we didn’t craft as much. I do hope to make sure I do at least a few crafting projects with David all throughout 2011 because I still love the fact that he enjoys crafting. You can see all of crafting with David posts here.
A Book a Week
This one worked out perfectly. I read a lot. I read different genres. I went outside my list a lot but also read quite a few of the ones on my list. I made a new list for 2011. Transferred some over and I am still reading like crazy. I joined three different book clubs and my love of reading is going strong and possibly even flourishing. I’ve considered writing longer, more thought out reviews in 2011 but it’s just not interesting to me for some reason. I am more interested in reading the books. You can see all the books I read in 2010 here.
52 Things
I loved making this list and I loved even more that I worked on so many of these. Somewhere in November, I stopped working as hard. Partly because the things that were left didn’t inspire me and partly because I got tired. I am still very happy with what I did finish, especially since I would likely not have done most of those if it weren’t for my list. You can read all of the things I did here.
Then there were those things that I didn’t originally plan for 2010 but they happened and they were wonderful:
Layout a Day in May
This project was done without any planning and it completely changed my life. It helped me find my personal, unique voice. And I truly believe it brought me the amazing opportunities I have like designing for The Girls’ Paperie, Tim Holtz, and Pink Paislee. It made scrapping hugely fun for me and brought my hobby to another level. It also encouraged me write a brand new workshop so I could help others discover their own voice. I also got published in a wonderful Swedish magazine (more detail with photos coming soon.) You can see all my layouts from that month here.
I also did a few other projects and realized that focusing on something for a month works really well. (Except for the happiness one I did which didn’t work well and I had to abandon it.) Even the ones I did only halfway were worth it very very much. I can go on and on but to be honest I am pretty much done with this year.
My word for 2010 was loved. And I must say it was a good one. I feel very loved. Doing the gratitude project has allowed me to see how amazing my life is. How I get to be loved by my husband, children, sister, nephews, parents, good friends online and offline. I am a very very blessed person.
and now ready for 2011!
onward and upward!
As I explained last year, I am choosing to have focus areas for my year instead of resolutions. This way, I can spend my energy focused on something that’s important to me and apply it to all areas of my life. Last year’s words were Peace and Bloom. While this has been a relatively rough year, I think I’ve made some considerable progress. (Though I still have a long way to go.)
This year’s word chose me before I had time to think about what I wanted it to be. I found this necklace a few weeks before I had Nathaniel and couldn’t stop thinking about it. So I finally bought it and have been wearing it since.
Loved.
That’s my word for 2010. For the longest time, I’ve held on to the notion that I am not worthy of love. I can tell you many reasons why and I’ve always claimed it’s because I’ve had some cruel friends in my formative years. But I know none of those excuses are true. (This is the revelation that led me to start creative therapy.) The fact is, there’s no reason for me to feel this way. I’ve been blessed with an amazing husband who’s been by my side for 15 years. A family like no other. Sons who love and adore me. And great friends. It’s time I let go of this lack of self-worth. It’s time.
So this year. I plan to devote to honor those who love me and remember daily that I am loved. And cherish that.
Loved.
Merry Christmas to you and your loved ones.
I can’t remember when I gave up making resolutions but I have. I decided
I don’t want to wait until the first day of the new year to be a new me.
Why not do it today?
Not that I stuck to them when I used to make them. I have realized over
the years that I will never be as thin as I want to be or do as many
things as I’d like to get done in a day or year. The books won’t really
get written, until they do. I won’t learn as much, be as much, read as
much, give as much as I’d like to. Until I do. And when I do, I will.
The first day of the year won’t change any of these facts and why tie it
to something so random?
What I am trying to do instead is have more focus areas for myself each
year. Sort of aligned with Ali Edwards’ word of the year, I am picking
themes for myself and trying to make sure I focus on it all year long so
it’s ingrained in who I am by the end of the year. Last year, my word
was “journey.” I wanted to focus on enjoying the journey that is life
and not always the destination. Enjoy the little moments. Appreciate
life. Stop. Breathe. Look Around. I think I achieved some of it and, of
course, it will be ongoing work but I do feel it to be more a part of
who I am now.
I decided on this year’s word a few months ago when I was preparing a
class I taught (which is when I made the calendar photographed above).
Anyone who really really knows me would know that I am not peaceful. I
don’t feel comfortable in my own skin. I’ve always felt different and
not in a good way. Like something’s wrong with me. Like I don’t belong.
Like I am not good enough. And will never be.
This is not tied to any particular achievement. I’ve achieved a lot in
my life. I’ve been really lucky and blessed to have a great education,
fantastic career, amazing and loving husband and truly the best kid in
the world. And that’s just a few of them. But this feeling of not
measuring up (to something undefined) doesn’t go away. I compare to
others constantly but only in ways where I feel like I am not as good.
Not as intelligent. Not as pretty. Not as nice. Not as talented. I can
go on and on.
So this year I decided to work on the most important concept of all (for
me.) Achieving peace and blooming into my own. This is my year to
discover and embrace who I am. Be the best of me and love it. Relax and
not criticize myself. Not compare myself to anyone. Not worry about
being not good enough. Stop and appreciate the truly amazing things in
my life. Be thankful. Shed the past and be open and welcoming to the
great future. But mostly be in the present.
God willing, I will have another baby this year and I want to make sure
my kids have a peaceful mom who is happy with who she is (flaws and
all). I want to make sure my husband has a wife who is happy. If there’s
one thing I’d like to teach my kids, it’s that it’s ok to be whomever
they are. And how better to teach it than by example?
So here we go, the year of peace and bloom.
Looking back, this has appeared to be an uneventful year. At least
compared to what’s coming in 2009. But, I think this was the year that
set the groundwork for a great 2009. Jake getting a job, my getting
pregnant, and David being fully in school is each a promise for an
interesting, exciting new year that will take our little family to the
next level.
I am excited about 2009. Worried, too, of course, as it’s my style. But
mostly excited. For now, I am happy to say good-bye to a great year.
Tomorrow, we’ll say hello to the new one.
I hope you and your loved ones have a fantastic New Year’s Eve. We’re
planning a quiet one over here, filled with Turkish food, cuddles, and
great TV.
Happy Happy New Year!
I hope you’re all enjoying the holiday season. Over here we celebrate
Hannukah, Christmas and New Year’s so it’s a long month of merriness. We
had a marvelous morning of waffle breakfast, opening presents, painting
David’s new solar system and now he’s napping while Mommy relaxes for a
bit. Hope yours is going wonderfully as well.
I’ve never been fond of years that start with odd numbers.
Despite the fact that David was born in an odd-numbered year, I’ve just
sort of disliked them. To be fair, 2007 was a pretty good year to me.
For the most part, I was perfectly healthy and made some progress in all
areas of my life.
It was my first full-year of not-at-home employment since David was
born. I spent the first part of the year doing two different positions
and working myself way too hard. Thankfully, I woke up somewhere along
the line and changed my job so that I work with products I feel more
passionate about. I also got to meet some amazing people through this
new position and am working daily on enjoying it as much as possible.
2007 was mostly the year of scrapping and creating art for me. I did 270
pages of minibooks or layouts. I applied for DT positions and was
blessed to get one at my favorite place: A Million Memories. I also
submitted a few pieces of work and one got accepted to be published in
an upcoming Lisa Bearnson book.
I read over forty books. That’s not nearly as many as the years before,
but considering the full-time job and the full-time scrapping, I’d say
that’s pretty good.
I took over 10,000 photos. Most of them are David or layouts but there
are a few trips here and there. To San Diego. To LA. To Fitzgerald
National Park. To Pismo Beach.
Here’s some of the stuff I didn’t do: I spent a lot of quality time with
David and Jake and yet it wasn’t enough. I didn’t lose weight. Actually,
I gained weight. I didn’t hang out with my friends enough. I didn’t keep
in touch with people enough. I didn’t write my novel. I didn’t blog
enough. I didn’t exercise at all. I didn’t go camping enough. I didn’t
spend enough quiet time to enjoy life.
These things will be rectified in 2008. It’s an even year after all.
New Year’s eve is my favorite holiday of the year.
Many people in the United States appear surprised by this admission. In America, you have Thanksgiving and you have Christmas (or Chanukah if you’re Jewish). Nobody I met makes a huge deal about New Year’s. I used to tell people that the reason I made such a big deal about it was because I am Turkish. In Turkey, New Year’s is the biggest holiday of December (well maybe because my family was never religious enough to make a big deal of Chanukah.) New Year’s is when we put trees up and decorate them. It’s when we go out and party all night, returning home only after the next morning’s breakfast. It’s when we exchange gifts. It’s our Christmas.
But this year I realized none of those is the reason I cherish this holiday so fondly. I am a fan because New Year’s symbolizes the end of a year and the beginning of another. Even though I am always sad when I finish a good book, I am always inspired by the beginning of another. Each New Year, I feel full of hope and inspiration for the coming year. It’s a feeling very similar to those fleeting moments I wrote about, but the inspiration lasts even longer and I get to put off taking action on it for a few days. It’s like starting a new notebook. I know it’s silly and I know it’s fleeting. But it still fills me with joy.
I, of course, have many plans for this year. I will lose weight. I will write more. I will take more photographs so I can learn more. I will read more. I will work harder and take less of my work home with me. I will enjoy sunny San Diego. I will make new friends. I will start volunteering again. I will learn at least one new thing every week. I will travel at least every other weekend to see the beauties California has to offer. I will relax more. I will let go a tiny bit. I will eat lunch under the sun at least twice a week. I will reply to email faster. I will participate in life more. I will call my friends more regularly. I will get a dog. I might decide to get pregnant. I will stop being so scared. I will stop feeling so inadequate. I will eat better. I will exercise more. I will stop being afraid to drive alone. I will learn to ride a bike. I will sign up for classes I like to take. I will get to know San Diego and give it a fair chance. I will forgive.
The list can go on forever, of course. But I recently realized that it all comes down to one thing: I need to learn to be happy. I need to give up that something’s wrong all the time. I need to stop feeling so small and appreciate the amazing things and people in my life. I don’t mean it in the ‘be thankful you’ve got arms and legs’ way, though that wouldn’t be so bad either. I mean it in the ‘life really is beautiful and I really am lucky’ way. I need to find what makes me want to be sad so much and rip it out of my system. If I can accomplish that this year, 2004 will be the best year of my life.
I’m not exactly sure why, but I woke up thinking of some of my favorite moments. Since I remember little about my childhood, most of the moments are in the last decade but I have a few precious ones from before. Here they are, in no particular order:
1. Learning to Read: My sister taught me how to read when I was about 3, I was jealous that she could read the newspaper and I couldn’t. So she and I lay on my parents’ bed and practiced until I got it right.
2. My Parent’s Wedding: My parents got divorced when I was in the third grade. I still remember the day they sat us down and told us they were getting remarried, to each other, about two years later. I had to ditch school to go to the wedding.
3. Getting in to AAG: I spent the summer of sixth grade studying for an entry exam to one of the best schools in Turkey. Three quarters way through the summer I found out that they would only accept one potential student. It was too late to give up so I kept studying even though I knew I had no chance as I was a terrible exam-taker. On the day of the exam, I woke up with a fever of 100-something and I was too tired to freak out. I came in second place and the girl who came in first ended up attending another school.
4. My first kiss: My best friend then. My first boyfriend. Someone I truly love even now. A moment I won’t forget.
5. Getting in to CMU: I applied early. I got in through the waiting list in May. Six long months of anticipation, hope, despair. The day I got in my mom greeted me with the telegram and a bouquet of flowers as I left the minibus that took me to school and back.
6. College: Some of my best memories were in college. There are too many to count. All the friends I made. My first job, Boyfriends. Best friends. All-nighters. The list would never end.
7. Corporate World and NYC: I needed a job to be able to stay in the United States. My first real job was the first sign that I might be able to stay here. NYC was the best place to celebrate the beginning of my adult life. NYC was the best place to spend my twenties.
8. Japan: The six months I spent in Tokyo for work taught me everything and more. One of the biggest risks I took as far as being away from every single person I knew and going to a culture and country I knew nothing about and a language I couldn’t speak. Now I can.
9.Birth of my nephews: Being at the hospital when my sister delivered the tiny twins. When she said “Am I a mother now?” When they opened their eyes. Seeing them grow have been some of the best moments of my life.
10. Going part-time: Working at a prestigious bank only three days a week was supposed to kill my career. I didn’t care. I wanted to volunteer. I wanted to take classes. I wanted to live more. I got to do all of it. Volunteered two days a week, took six classes a semester. All for fun. And my career? Only went north. Started as a programmer, moved to managing a small team and then a global team and ended up as a Vice President. So much for “they” who are supposed to know it all.
11.Getting accepted to Teach For America: The night of my TFA interview, my eight-year boyfriend proposed to me. The next morning, my manager told me that I had made Vice President. These should have been the good omen I needed to know I would get accepted but I wanted to do this so badly that I wouldn’t believe it until I saw it on paper. Regardless of how it all ended, TFA was one of the best choices I made in my life and I still feel privileged to have been a part of it.
12. My wedding and honeymoon: Knowing I get to spend the rest of my life with my favorite person on earth. Seeing one of the rare jewels of earth with him. Does it get any better?
13. Leaving NYC: It was time. I don’t know how I knew, but I knew. I miss many many things about New York. Walking the streets at all times of day and night. The subway. My favorite bookstore. My good friends. My bagel shop. The opera. SoHo, The cabbies. NYPL. The only place that’s felt like home to me so far. But I am ready for a new start. Something different.
14. Traveling across the USA: A big dream of mine for the last ten years. It was better than I could have expected. Swamps of Louisiana, caverns and white sands and mountains of New Mexico, state parks in just about every state west of Missouri, Great Sand Dunes, lots of lava. My first time camping ever. First time driving for more than a half hour. First time in just about 30 states. First time owning a car. First accident. Tons of memories. Tons of pictures. Tons of stories.
15. Starting Fresh: A brand new city. A brand new job. A brand new apartment. A brand new life. Room for new favorite moments.
What are some of your favorite moments?
2001 didn’t start all that well for me.
Jake and I were supposed to welcome the New Year in Savannah with his family. In the middle of our fist day I started losing feeling on my legs. After a phone call to the doctor, where I was told that I had two herniated discs and had to go back home and lie in bed, we took the 6am plane the next day and spent New Year’s eve and the week after in bed.
The low-key New Year’s eve turned out to be the best Jake and I ever had. We played video games all night long and got up for some sparkling cider at midnight. Which proved that 2001 might not turn out awful after all.
I spent February to May undergoing regular physical therapy. At the same time, I got asked to manage the project I was working on while keeping my three-days-a-week arrangement. I worked at New York Society for the Deaf and took five courses including learning to make pottery and play the saxophone.
The summer of 2001 brought many questions. My back was finally starting to feel better and I knew I wanted to change my life. I took fewer classes and decided I wanted to do more in the city. We’d talked about moving before next summer and I knew it might be our last summer in the city. We went to book readings, we took walks in the park, we spent most of our days outside. We talked. We made decisions. We agreed not to be afraid.
In the fall I decided that I was ready to give up my career. I decided it was time to start living the life I’ve wanted. Time to be proud of myself. Time to make my life worthwhile. I filled applications for the two places that promised to change my life. I went back to physical therapy when my neck started hurting out of the blue. I began volunteering at Housingworks as well as NYSD and took on six new courses. I was going to spend most of the fall waiting to hear and the less time I had to sit around and wonder the better it would be. I knew that the news wouldn’t arrive until January.
It turned out to be sooner. December 2001 might hold the record for the most eventful month in my life. The last week of November I found out that I was called back to have an interview with Teach for America on December 6th. I spent the next two weeks practicing my five-minute teaching session so many times that I could do it in my sleep. That Thursday morning, I woke up at 6:30 and got to the interview a half-hour early. I spent the morning teaching, discussing, writing and the afternoon with my one-on-one interview. By three in the afternoon, I was so worn out that I went to sleep as soon as I got home. That night Jake proposed to me at Rockefeller Center, the next morning my boss informed me that the firm decided to promote me to Vice President. Ten days later, I found out that I got accepted to Teach for America.
Talk about a busy and life-changing month.
I’m still waiting for some more news. I am supposed to find out the state that I teach in, in the next week or two. A week after that I hear from Stanford. And then we sit down to make some decisions. 2002 promises to be an eventful year for me. A wedding, a career change, a new house and a car are just the beginning of my New Year.
Looking back to the eve of 2001, I would have never guessed that this would be the year in which my life changed. The year that I started at the bottom but am finishing on top.
May 2002 bring even more luck, laughter, health and love to all of us.
Happy New Year.
Previously? Assigned Roles.
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projects for twenty twenty-four
projects for twenty twenty-three
projects for twenty twenty-two
projects for twenty twenty-one
projects for twenty nineteen
projects for twenty eighteen
projects from twenty seventeen
monthly projects from previous years
some of my previous projects
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