Let’s play the blame game!

Two of the most important people in my life seem to have the same problem; they desperately need to blame someone when something doesn’t go the way they wanted it to.

If they have an argument with their loved one, we need to spent the next few hours discussing whose fault it was. If they lose a game, it was because they were tired or had so much on their mind. If they fail a course, it was the bad organization of the class instruction or the teacher’s lack of ability in making the class interesting.

Not only is it never their own fault but it’s also crucial to know who’s fault it really is.

While I can easily admit to saying “Well, if you hadn’t done this that way, we would have never been here to begin with,” in the heat of an argument, in most other cases, I try hard to concentrate hard on fixing the situation instead of struggling to figure out where the blame falls.

The issue that seems to fascinate me is how blaming others makes the person feel good. If I stopped talking to a friend because of something that’s her fault, doesn’t that still mean I lost my friend? If I fail a class, don’t I still have to retake it? I guess I must be more into the result than the process itself, since the result is the same no matter who’s to blame.

How does putting the blame on something or someone else make the person feel better? I think people just use it as an excuse, so they can have a defense when asked why the situation went badly. “I was all ready to finish the work but so and so didn’t give me the numbers I needed to plug into the formula!” Just saved your ass from the boss’s yelling. Even if I still don’t think it’s a good idea, I can at least understand why people blame others to save their own necks in a work related (or similar school related) situation.

But in a case where it’s about failing a class or fighting with a girlfriend or missing a personal goal, I really don’t see any benefit or reason to worry about placing blame. I just feel like saying, “Fine, it’s my fault, let’s just worry about fixing it now, ok?”

Anyone know what motivates people to blame someone or something else?

Previously? Gimme Space!

They say it takes all kinds to make the world go around. I don’t know who they are but they always know what they’re talking about, don’t they?

I have two major points, both relating to the same idea and I’ll try to be quick since it’s already late and I need to sleep real soon if my back is to ever heal.

People always told me that a good marriage is based on shared likes and dislikes. I have never been married but I’ve had several long-term relationships and I couldn’t disagree more. I’ve always been fascinated by men who are my total opposites. Never much of a drinker, I’ve petty much completely given up drinking in the last nine years and all my boyfriends have been drinkers. (Actually two of them were alcoholics but that’s another story for another time) I’m both shy and outgoing, both at inconvenient times, but my favorite thing to do would be to curl up with a book. I tend to go out with men who are socially liked and active. I don’t mean to imply that I get attracted to my opposites, cause I don’t. There are many attributes my boyfriends and I share. (This entire theory goes for friendships, too. Actually, even more so.) The thing is I like to meet people who are different than I am. I like to hang out with people who have different perspectives on a certain issue than I might. I like to be around people whose passions differ widely from mine. If I only hung out with people who thought and acted just like I did, how much fun would life be? It’s only through conversations with people who avidly disagree with me that I learn to stretch my mind. I like people who challenge me. Not to imply that I like someone who has opposite beliefs to mine but has nothing to back his or her beliefs up. But if the person has a point and he or she is intelligent and coherent enough about it, I’m fascinated and thrilled to converse. I love the fact that my boyfriends and friends have opened me up to new thoughts, new hobbies and sometimes even new worlds.

Just like I disagree with the hang-out-only-with-people-like-you people, I also agree with those who say that the web is full of crap. Who are you to judge what’s crap and what’s not? Even if you are qualified in recognizing good design or correct grammar, just because a page is not designed or written up to your standards doesn’t mean it doesn’t deserve to exist. If you don’t like a page, don’t visit it. If you like it, recommend it to others whom you think might also like it. I think people only judge others to feel good. If you and someone else agree that a page is crap, you two must be cool, right? I just think that the neat thing about the web (and New York and America in my opinion) is that there are a million different kinds of people who use it and they each express themselves in their own way. I think each of those pages has a valid existence and I’m glad each person has a place to share his or her thoughts/feelings/opinions publicly if they so choose. Even if I might totally disagree with that person or find their expression distasteful, that’s my opinion and I have a right to have one. I’m not saying don’t have opinions, I’m just saying use your energy to concentrate on improving/building/living your life and leave others alone and let them do whatever they want to without bashing them publicly and making them feel not-good-enough and scaring them away from ever expressing themselves again.

So it wasn’t short. But I promise both points are related in that all sorts of people exist in the world with their own likes and dislikes and that’s what makes this world a great place.

I might be influenced by my own childhood experiences, but I think that the world and the web is big enough for all of us and next time you see someone with a differing opinion to yours, maybe you should listen before you judge.

You might learn something.

Previously? Secrets.

I wasn’t going to make an entry today. I came home late from work and I feel drained. I wanted to drain my brain with a few hours of TiVo and go to sleep, to repeat the pattern tomorrow. Until I read the page of a friend. A cyber friend, I guess since I never met him. I’m not even sure it’d be fair to say he’s a friend since we haven’t exchanged years of communication or emails on a deep emotional level. But I would say friend, cause he’s treated me like one. He’s been kind, genuine, respectful and very kind. What else do I need from a friend?

Well, this friend, whom I almost met, lived a tragedy today. His life changed in an irreversible way. Even though he was expecting it for some time, I can’t imagine one can ever really expect a death. I’m sitting here and wishing I had the right words to make him feel better and crying for him. Good people deserve good lives. Everyone deserves a good life. But when you feel that someone is so nice and seems to take the effort to be kind to everyone, you feel extra sorry when bad things happen to this person. At least, I do. I’m sitting here, alone, and crying cause there is nothing I can do. Cause somehow I can feel pain from someone’s words. Even if I’ve never ever met him.

For the second time this month, this is happening to me. I don’t ever want to hear people tell me that the people I meet online aren’t real friends, again. If they aren’t why am I shedding my tears?

So another day has passed and I can see slighly better. I still can’t see very clearley in a room with lots of lights but being able to see at all without my glasses or contacts is a surreal feeling. I went to an ENT specialist today and defimitely have TMJ. Fun fun.

Yesterday I went to the Bosphorus with my best friend who is an ex-boyfriend. He and I ate ice cream and took a leisurely walk down the seaside. As the sun set and a full moon rose. It was magnificent. As much as I can’t imagine living in Turkey, I love visiting here. The people are amazingly kind, good hearted and welcoming. The sights are breathtakingly beautiful and the food is delicious. It’s a great place to vacation. Especially Burgaz, which is a small island we live on during the summer. It’s so small that there are no cars allowed on the island. Only horse carriages. A real tiny island. Some of my favorite childhood memories are from my days there.

Gotta go now. Rest my eyes. Apologies for any typos but I am trying not to use the machine much, as ordered by the surgeon.

Before?