I met with an acquaintance today partly because this person intimidates me and I was trying to break that barrier by getting to know her better. My hope was that we would find ways to bond and relate to each other and this connection would allow me to see her (and in return my response to her) in a different light.
Well, it didn’t work.
I left feeling empty. On the “good” side I’d found enough flaws in her to not feel intimidated. I realized several imperfections in her that maybe had not been so obvious to me previously. And I realized a bunch of other things that I find annoying. So maybe the intimidation is replaced by a different feeling now but it’s still not a good one. Not the one I was hoping for. The best way I can describe it was that it felt empty.
I thought about it for a long time afterwards and couldn’t put my finger on exactly what happened. Then, I realized that most of our talk was small talk. What I call “surface” conversations. Where you spend a bunch of time talking about nothing important. Agreeing, being politically correct, smiling but, in the end, saying nothing substantive.
This kind of interaction is not just non-ideal for me; it’s abhorrent. I cannot stand small talk. It’s a good thing I met my husband in college or I would not be able to date because of all the small talk it involves. This is the same reason I hate going to many social activities or reading blogs that talk about “nothing.” My husband’s great at small talk and I really admire his ability to do it, so I am not bashing small talk per se. Just saying I can’t do it. The whole time I am thinking of where else I’d rather be. Like reading a good book.
For me, spending time with a person is all about connecting. I guess it’s the same as my art. I need meaning. If it feels meaningless, I am not interested. I need to be engaged emotionally (ideally intellectually as well). I need to care. For me to care, there has to be meaning in the conversation.
I was reading Stephanie’s blog earlier and she does this new monthly challenge where you “blog your heart.” And while I love the idea of talking about the areas where you’re struggling or falling short, I think that’s not necessarily enough for me. That’s sort of what I realized today during my time with this woman. It became easy for me to see where she was falling short. I could suddenly see her shortcomings, worries around looking a certain way, etc. I even felt sorry for her for a minute when I realized it was so important to her to appear a certain way.
I wish we would do less judging for both good and bad. It feels nice to hear the “hard stuff” because it breaks down the walls of perfection we seem to create on behalf of other people. But while some people do maybe only share the good, the fact is we’re the ones looking for all the good. I know there are people in my life who struggle but also do well and I tend to focus on how well they do in areas where I struggle and I don’t even spend a moment thinking about their struggles. I just accentuate their good and measure it up against my bad. That’s *my* fault. Not theirs. So I like to hold myself responsible.
It’s human nature to want to hide your imperfections. It’s human nature to want to “look good.” But meaningful doesn’t have to be good or bad. It just has to be genuine. I feel just as much a connection when someone shares genuine joy with me. It’s the fake stuff I detest. And when we’re making a list of “rough stuff” I’ll admit the whole thing feels a bit fake to me. When you read someone else’s blog, do you really ever think they’re perfect? Have you ever met anyone who’s perfect? If you’re older than ten, you should already know no one (and I mean NO one) is perfect. It’s just not possible. Some people might be better than you are at certain things. But they have their own list of shortcomings, challenges, and grief. This is true across the board, bar NONE. So when you’re reading a blog and you feel “oh they are perfect” just remind yourself that they aren’t. They are just putting their best foot forward.
What I really wish is that even a five-minute cocktail conversation could be meaningful. I wish I could just say “Look I am not going to judge, I am not going to be jealous, I am here to connect. So be real. Tell me whatever you want to talk about. Don’t try to look a certain way for me. Be you. Whomever you are.” And then we could talk. Without fear, masks, fakeness.
Alas, I don’t know if it’s possible.
And I do know that often I do judge. Look how much I looked for the “wrong” in that woman this morning. Maybe because she was trying so hard to look good that I had to knock her down. To feel vindicated. But I don’t want to do that. I want her to feel supported. Know that I understand. That it’s hard. Life is hard. I get it. You have enough on your plate. You don’t have to worry about me. I am here without judgement. Open.
Can I be that, I wonder? And if so, how can I let the other person know? Can people connect meaningfully without years of friendship behind them?
I am learning more and more that the key to a happy and fulfilled life is knowing yourself.
On the good side, the more I know about what I like, the more I can fill my life with it. Colors, shapes, people. If I know what clothes suit me best, I can buy more of them and always feel at my best when I am dressed. If I know what foods make me feel the best, I can focus on eating those. If I know what songs, what TV, what conversations I prefer. I can bring them into my life.
Same goes with books, hobbies, places to go. Focusing a lot on my actual likes and taking a step back and thinking really hard about whether I like something because *I* like it (and not because someone else encouraged me or cause it looks good or sounds important, etc.) is a very valuable way to spend my time.
I wrote about this in a newsletter a few months ago but I’ve been thinking more and more about it everyday.
Today Brené and Jen were talking about shame triggers in the Ordinary Courage class and, to me, it was another reminder that how well you know yourself can be crucial in recognizing situations and being able to step away from them instead of getting upset, frustrated, or even worse falling into a shame spiral, again and again. Noticing how your body behaves when you feel ashamed allows you the opportunity to pay attention, take a moment, step back and take the next step accordingly.
Being aware is always the key.
I notice this helps when I go into arguments with people who are close to me like my family. I’ve known them for so long that I can recognize patterns, I can see my buttons as they are being pressed, I can see when an argument isn’t really about what it appears. I can understand that when the other person is just frustrated about something totally unrelated and is picking a fight. Knowing myself, knowing how I trigger, how my anger, shame, frustration, pride, etc. triggers is really really valuable in these situations. It stops me from escalating an issue unnecessarily and getting into a bad place.
One of the exercises we did for Karen’s Pathfinder class was writing down what matters to us. What our values are. What we strive for them to be. I think this awareness also brings so much light into our lives. It allows me to live my day to day life true to my priorities. If I spend time thinking about exactly the kind of mother I want to be, not what i think I should be or what others think I should be but what truly matters to me, I can make sure that the time I spend with my kids is focused on exercising those values and priorities. Same for my career or marriage.
It even applies to art. If I believe that preserving my family’s memories is crucial to me, I can spend more of my energy writing journaling on my pages. If I believe it’s more important to do play and experiment and use art to just relax and unwind, then I can worry less about the theme of my pages and focus more on the fun. For example, for me, having my art be meaningful is crucial so I focus on titles and journaling in my scrap pages and put themes and titles on my art journal pages. For me, a page isn’t complete until I have meaning. Ever since I figured this out, I always think of my “sentence” on my art journal first. And then even if the page doesn’t turn out exactly as I’d hoped, if it is meaningful, I am content. Knowing my preferences allows me to get to a more peaceful (or happy) place with my art.
To this end, I will spend the next few weeks spending extra attention on this. On how I think I want to be perceived (and not be perceived) and how that affects me. On what I truly want for myself. On my values and the kind of person I want to be in the world. On how I would truly like to spend my time. I plan to reserve my journaling time to note these observations daily and see if I can make some progress on getting to know myself better.
I believe it will some of the most rewarding time I spend.
Since school started I’ve been waking up at 5:30am and taking a little time to myself before the kids get up. After I exercise, I sit down and journal a page in my notebook. It is my equivalent of morning pages. Some days it’s just thinking about the upcoming day and all the things I have to get done and other days it’s about looking back and trying to figure out something from the day before or my past.
Yesterday morning, I spent some time thinking about a meeting I had a while back. I had walked away from this meeting frustrated and upset. I’ve noticed that I can definitely tell if I am feeling my centered self or off kilter during a particular meeting. And I definitely felt off during this one. Unfortunately for me, I knew it was going to be a recurring meeting so I felt even more frustrated that I couldn’t tell what was making me feel this way.
As I started journaling, it occurred to me that what made me feel uneasy and put me on the defense was two individuals at the meeting. These two people and the way I perceived them changed the tone of the meeting for me. Not only did I look up to them as the authoritative owners of the meeting, but I also felt like they didn’t like me or respect me.
And so, for me, these meetings became about proving these two people wrong. So the content of the meeting didn’t even matter. All I focused on during the meeting was reactions from these two individuals. I was spending the whole time trying to behave a certain way so I could garner their respect. Every now and then I would end up showing my true colors in the way I responded to a specific argument and then I would instantly regret it because I worried they would disapprove.
The situation became untenable and I just couldn’t get out of the cycle I’d created for myself. The funny thing is, I don’t think these two individuals were even remotely aware of the impact they were having on me. So, yesterday, as soon as I figured out the root cause was these two individuals, an idea came to me during the journaling. I decided to get ahead of the problem in my own way.
I emailed both of them individually and asked if they’d like to have lunch sometime. I tried to be low-key about it and I sent it immediately without thinking about it too much. I knew I could easily talk myself out of doing it.
The second I sent the email, I immediately felt better. I felt that if I could get to know these individuals as people and not workmates, I would be able to see them in a different light. And I felt that this would help me remove the unnecessary importance I assign to them during the meeting. I think that one of the best ways to get someone off a pedestal is to get to know them. Even if the person declined the lunch, I knew that I’d already taken the first step to “humanizing them” by sending my email.
I got a response almost immediately. And, of course, neither declined. (I’ve learned that very few people feel comfortable turning down a direct request but that’s another post for another time.)
So now I feel even better. I am hoping that the lunches will go well and we might even possibly end up as friends. But even if we don’t I am pretty confident these colleagues will not play the same role for me in our next meeting. They will no longer intimidate me. Especially since most of the situation was completely in my head (and not reality.)
This is one of the greatest side effects of taking the time to journal. I feel like pouring my thoughts on paper gives me the space to distance myself from them enough to realize what the core issues are. And then I can find ways to resolve them, work with them, or get ahead of them.
Not bad for a 15-minute time commitment. The journaling often ends up being the most valuable fifteen minutes in my day.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately again and like before I originally thought these would end up as individual posts but I can’t seem to find the time (or more like motivation) to sit and write it all out so I am going to try this quicker version instead.
Here are part 1 and part 2.
9. My kids can teach me so much. I’ve noticed a lot of things my kids do that I can learn from. For example, my little boy is very persistent. When he doesn’t know how to do something, he keeps trying and trying and trying until he gets it. More significantly, he doesn’t beat himself up each time he fails. He does sit there and bash himself when he stumbles and falls. He might cry if it hurt, but he doesn’t act like “I can’t believe i fell again! I am such a moron.” He gets up and runs again. And again. He also eats what he loves first. He doesn’t save it for last like I often did. I’ve learned over the years that if I save my favorites to last, I end up eating everything even if I am full, which is not good. My kids are not afraid to ask for help. They do like to do some things by themselves but they also feel comfortable asking for help. They don’t worry about looking stupid or being judged. They just know they can get it done better or faster or more correctly so they ask for help. They know it’s a part of the learning and growing process. They communicate. Often and clearly. They tell me what they are thinking and they are persistent I listen. They also teach me to have more fun. They spend their time doing what they love. If something starts to get boring, they move on and do something else. I tend to spend a lot of my free time doing things I’ve told myself I should do. There’s balance here of course but I do need to spend more time enjoying the moments. There’s no saying how life will turn out, might as well have a bit more fun while I can.
10. The Switch. I’ve learned, over time, that I have a switch inside. I tend to be really nice and kind to most people. I assume the best of them etc. etc. I’ve had many people be mean to me over the years. But I don’t mind the obvious mean people. What I do mind is people who are subtly mean. Who start taking advantage of me. Who end up being two-faced and unkind. I am not sure how and why it happens, but I tend to assume the best of a person until one day they do something (often something seemingly small) that makes me realize how they’ve really not been nice all along and sort of been taking advantage of me little bit at a time. Or just that they are not actually nice. And then the switch flips and I can never see this person in the same light again. I am hurt and broken inside and there’s almost nothing they can do to get me out of that bad place. It takes a long time to get there but once I am there, it’s like I can’t get out. Now everything that comes from this person is filtered through my negative opinions of him/her and I assume the worst and I assume unkindness. I think both are flawed. No one is nice all the time and no one is mean all the time. People are human. I think when I look up to someone, I often make them bigger than they are. They are almost sure to fail me. So I do need to watch for that. But I also need to pay more attention so before it even comes to the switch point, I can reach out and communicate or slowly distance myself so that the switch never comes on. This way, I still have a chance to cool down and see things without positive or negative filters.
11. Looking for the Good. I know I’ve talked about this before. But I always come back to it. Especially when thinking about #10 above. I have a way of getting to that bad place. Thinking everyone hates me. Hating myself. Crushing myself with my own judgements and words. Reading into everything everywhere and making it about me and about how I am failing at things, failing the people I love. I can go on and on. I’ve learned over time that most of this is a reflection of how I feel about myself. My default place is the insecure place where I need affirmation and support. However, there are times I feel in my element. I feel strong. Comfortable. Then I see things more positively. So I am making a point of looking for the good lately. I am trying to remind myself. Just like the practice of gratitude, looking for good in your life, in people’s words and actions changes my minutes, hours, days and life. If I feel lost, I try to play with my kids who, I am so happy to say, are joyful little boys. They remind me that life is beautiful. They laugh at the sound of music and make silly faces. So I am going to make a point of looking for the good. Choosing joy. I seem to need regular reminders. But that’s ok. I will remind myself again and again for as long as it takes. Because this is important.
12. Rest and Restoration is Important. I am not good at slowing down. I like being busy. It makes me happier, more productive, more fulfilled, etc. But I also am learning to appreciate the value of rest. For me, it’s not as related to how much I did as much as it is about my stress. I could do a lot of stuff but not feel stressed out and so I don’t need rest. But if I do something that really stresses me out, has me on an edge for days, I invariably need to rest. I need to restore all that energy I spent. I need to go back to my place of happy, relaxed comfort zone. If that means I lie on the couch and read that’s ok. The thing I do often is that I beat myself up for not doing the items on my todo list during these times and then I don’t do them anyway. I just make myself feel bad. So instead of doing something I might enjoy, I punish myself and tell myself that if I am not doing this item on my todo list, I should not get to do this other fun thing. Instead I do nothing. I waste the time altogether, whining and feeling tired. What a waste. I’ve decided that during these times, I will give myseld permission to just do something I love. It might be reading for a whole day or just sitting and playing legos with my sons. It might be spending the whole day on pinterest. It doesn’t matter what it is as long as I am choosing it and I am not beating myself up for it. Anything that helps me rest and restore the energy is ok to do. Some of my best ideas come when I let go and relax fully (just like some of my best ideas come when I am working hard. Extreme situations seem to bring forth creativity for me.) So here’s to letting myself rest without scolding myself.
13. Passing Judgement. I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately. I wonder why we’re do wired to pass judgement. Where does that come from? How does that protect us? How does it help you to bring someone else down? Why are people mean? I know there are times people are jealous and let that seep out with mean comments. But why? How does it make me feel better to say something mean to you? If I have no money and can’t go on vacation, then I see that you’re going to Hawaii and I say something like “It must be nice to be able to go to Hawaii.” That made you feel terrible but how did it help me? Do I get some kind of a physical release or a happiness boost from having torn you down? I truly don’t get it. Genuinely. I can understand the instinct behind jealousy. I can understand the curiosity and wanting to know about someone else’s drama. What I don’t understand is how making them feel bad actually help you feel good. I have personally experienced how helping someone can make you feel good. It can lift you up. Does hurting someone also lift you up? For me, it always makes me feel worse. Like a crappy person. And now I’ve made them and me feel bad. What’s the point of that? I am not being flippant here. I swear I don’t get it. I would love some explanation on this one. I am not saying I am always good but I do try not to deliberately break people. I genuinely feel good for others when they reach their dreams and goals. I don’t think their success makes mine any less likely. On the contrary, I now see it as a reachable dream. Sure I feel jealous sometimes, frustrated, wonder why not me, etc etc. I’m human. But I don’t think that making that other person feel bad will actually ever help me feel better.
there you go. a bit of what’s on my mind. more coming next week.
So I’ve been carrying these thoughts around for weeks now. Some of them for months and I originally wanted to make a post for each but I’ve quickly realized that it will never happen. I will postpone it forever. So ,instead, I’ve decided to write paragraphs for each and clump them together. This might be one post or if it’s too long two, three posts. I will just write until I have nothing more to say or I am tired. I hope this doesn’t annoy you. They are not in any order at all.
1. Your Words Come True. Henry Ford said, “If you think you can do a thing or think you can’t do a thing, you’re right.” I think this statement is very pithy. It shows the power of your thoughts. Regardless of facts, your thoughts play a big part in the outcome of your actions. I firmly believe this holds true of your words, too. If you say you can’t do something, you likely cannot. But the power of words go even further because since they are often outwardly expressed, they end up affecting others around us as well and they start to believe what you say. If you say “I’m fat” enough times, people around you start seeing you as fat. If you tell someone you’re dumb, they stop thinking otherwise. I promise you, it works consistently. The number of times you need say it out loud might differ but words are powerful. They convince people eventually. So it’s better to say things that are empowering instead of defeating. Even if you don’t think you can do it, you can say “I can try.” or “I can give it my best.” That’s what I do with the exercise. I tell myself that I will give it all I have. That I can do it. I don’t always believe it, but I say it anyway. So this is for you, and for me, to remember that words have power. What you say comes true. It’s a way of calling things to yourself. So why not call the best?
2. Being Busy is not Always Bad. I always favor a long todo list. I like being busy and I like doing doing doing. For a while, I worried that this was my way of avoiding some deep issue. That I wasn’t ok to stand still and I would break down if I did. Or something. I am not sure what but it had me worried. And then I had a bunch of time off so I slowed down. A lot. I realized that not having much to do or not doing much didn’t cause me to breakdown. It caused me to be lazy. I sat on the couch and moved very little. I read. I wrote. I watched TV. But overall, I felt sad. Empty. Like I didn’t really have a purpose. I like having purposes. I like a schedule and todo lists. I like deadlines. I like getting things done. Not because I am running away from something but because I love the feeling of accomplishment. Even finishing a tiny task makes me happy. Rearranging my table. Finishing a layout. Whatever it might be. So I decided to stop worrying and feeling bad about who I am and what I do. I can sit still and read for hours and it’s great, but being busy is not bad. It’s who I am and I’m all about embracing who I am these days. So there we go.
3. I am not Fun.Here’s another one I’ve clung on to for years and years. I am not what you’d typically consider to be a fun person. I don’t dance, drink, do drugs, or go out partying. I talk a lot. (A lot!!) but I am much more of a 1-1 person. I prefer deep, authentic conversations. For the longest time, I felt bad about not being fun. When I saw people with lots of friends partying or having fun, I felt envious. But then I forced myself to think of what I am. I am authentic, reliable, loyal, kind, patient, and loving. Helpful. Genuine. I will do anything for the person I love. I read a lot and have a wide range of interests so I can talk about most subjects and have a wide variety of friends. So I don’t drink with them or go dancing. But I am me. And I am here. I think it’s time I made peace with that instead of desperately wishing I was everything I am not. Being consistent, dependable and loyal is nothing to sneeze at in a friendship. Right? They will just have to go drinking with someone else.
4. Sarcasm. I am so so done with sarcasm. I never got it. I think it’s a way to be mean without getting in trouble. It sounds mean, bitter and sometimes even nasty. What’s the point? I think it’s completely overrated. I’d rather have a kind, genuine friend who’s happy. Any day of the week. So if your thing is being sarcastic, I am letting you know now, that I am not going to respond to it. I will not feed it. I refuse to be a part of it. I think it’s destructive. And mean. There, I said it.
More coming next week.
As you already know, I’ve been taking Stephanie Lee’s class Shifting Ground. This class has been amazing. Which does not surprise me one tiny bit. Her previous class which I took in 2009 was also amazing. She has an incredible way with words. She is able to put my feelings, thoughts, worries into succinct and eloquent words. On Monday, she posted a long entry about the importance of regular journaling. Towards the end, she had a section about how some people worry that their journals will be found and read and if they write mean things, it might hurt the reader’s feelings. Here are some of Stephanie’s words (excerpted with permission):
If the people in your lives have doubts about your relationship with them and then they catch wind of you keeping a journal that you don’t want them to read, they will WANT to read it. Not because they care about what you’ve written as much as they want to know what is real and they want to know if their fears are real. No one wants to be in relationships that are uncertain even if you have no real problem with them in particular.
When I read these words, I was immediately taken aback by how true they were. I suffer from a lot of insecurity related to my relationships with other people. Because of my personal feelings of low self-worth, I tend to always assume that people aren’t really interested in being in my life but that they’re “putting up with me” for one reason or another. I am constantly paranoid that they are in the brink of walking out or they are talking behind my back. A good twenty years ago, I had people in my life like that. But back then I was a teenager and so were they. I notice lack of integrity (especially when it comes to friendships and popularity) is quite high during those years. And yet, despite many years of solid friendships, I still find myself paranoid, insecure, and scared. I feel uncertain in so many of my relationships. And even in my marriage sometimes. Mostly because I am so used to living with the worry of being left that I can’t imagine a world where someone wants to stay with me out of choice.
Stephanie then continues to say:
Live your life as transparent as possible. Reaffirm your commitment to those you love in your actions, words, and energy. They will trust that and be less concerned with the details of how you are able to maintain it. Let your demonstration of love – both for them AND yourself – be so strong and solid that there will be no room for them to doubt that what you are writing isn’t damning to them.
And this is exactly what I asked Jake to do for me this year. To be really honest and open. To spell things out for me that might seem superbly obvious to him. To let me know that he forgives me when I mess up. To assure me that he’s choosing to stay with me. I know this must seem sad to have to do after sixteen years of being together but it’s nothing to do with him or our marriage. It’s related to my personal fears and state of mind about life. I love what Stephanie said and I know for a fact that I am not the only person out there who is insecure in this way.
I took these words to heart and decided that I wanted to be better about my relationships, too. I want to make sure I am committed to the people I love with my words, actions and energy. I want to make sure my children, my husband, my friends know without a shadow of a doubt that I am committed to them and that I love them. I want to make sure there’s no room for doubt. There’s no reason to worry. There’s nothing but the strength of our bond. (And I love that she mentions love of oneself as well. I definitely need to work on that one.)
Even if it turns out they’re not insecure like I am, I cannot imagine anything but good coming out of this vow.
Thank you, Stephanie, once again for the weight and value of your words. Here’s to strong demonstrations of love and commitment.
I know this is a blurry photo since I blurred out all the personal details and I know it’s likely boring to almost all of you but it’s for me and it’s so I can remember years from now. My good friend Cheryl who’s been there for me forever, asked me to design her a plain invitation for her upcoming birthday. I immediately said yes.
And then I immediately started dreading it.
I wanted to do it justice. I thought I might disappoint her and I love her so much I really didin’t want to disappoint her. I put it off for months and then when the time came to plan June, I made sure it was on my list first and foremost. I decided I needed to sit and do it. Even if it was bad, it was much better than not doing it.
So, I did it.
It’s simple. really simple. That’s my style. I can’t help it.
And I think she liked it. I hope she did. Either way, I am glad I did it. I love you Cheryl and I am so sorry I won’t be there for your special day. My heart and thoughts will be.
Jake and I were talking about birthdays a few weeks ago. How we treat people extra-special when it’s their birthday. How we feel it’s ok to ask for a little more special treatment when it’s our birthday.
It made me wonder why we don’t do this more often. Why we reserve the extra-special for birthdays. I know, it’s once a year and it’s easier and more realistic to drop everything and prioritize someone once a year. But imagine if we picked a select few people in our lives and decided we would treat them as if it was their birthday every single day. So you could always treat them with a little something special?
Maybe special would lose its meaning then? Since every day will be special and all…
But I think not.
I think it would make the relationship that much stronger. That much better and deeper. And wouldn’t it be cool to know that you don’t have to wait for their birthday to make those special pancakes, to give that awesome gift, to make them feel as special as they are in your life?
It just feels right to me. I want my loved ones to know that everyday is their birthday. That I can make them feel special every day. I want to.
Last week’s catalyst was a response to a question from my energy class
as well. The teacher told us to all go home and ask someone close to us
about the best thing that happened to them today. This is interesting to
me on three levels:
1. Most people aren’t used to being asked a question about themselves.
(Most people talk about themselves and don’t listen to the other person
that much.)
2. Most of us concentrate on the negative and being asked to think about
something positive is a wonderful change.
3. It’s amazing how small and insignificant-seeming events can be the
best part of our day most often.
Try asking someone close to you. And tell me…
What was the best thing that happened to you today?
I’ve always had this theory that there’s no one like me out there. This
is not in the boasting, “aren’t I great” way. On the contrary, it’s more
like wondering “what’s wrong with me that there’s no one else like me?”
When I was in Turkey, I could use that as an excuse. Surely, there would
be more people like me in the United States. College would do the trick
for me. After all, people came from all over the world to go to college.
Well college came and went, New York came and went, and I never met
anyone who made me feel like I wasn’t a complete anomaly of a human being.
Until yesterday.
I was at my first ever scrapbooking event and the speaker went on and on
about her life, her approach to things (including scrapping) and I
couldn’t stop thinking how she was a kindred spirit to me. The funny
thing is, on the surface, I’ve met many others who seem to be much more
similar to me: people who love computers, books, writing, or anything
else I like to do. But this woman, she felt like she was similar
to who I am and not what I do.
To be honest, I don’t even know if she really is. I’ve only heard her
give a speech and maybe chatted with her for 30 minutes. We may have
almost nothing in common. But the few words she mentioned were exactly
what I’ve said/felt at times and that’s all I needed to hear for this
“aloneness” to disappear. And pooof! it went.
Amazing how great it feels to let go of something I’ve been carrying
around for over twenty years.
I miss New York City.
Even though I was completely ready to leave it when we did, I never
realized how very much I was going to miss it. Sometimes it’s as bad as
craving. There are many reasons why I miss the beautiful city, but one
of them is the variety of friends I had there.
Mostly due to the fact that I did more differing activities when I
lived in NYC, but also because the city draws so many different people.
When I look back upon the years I spent there, the people whose faces
jump out at me are from so many different backgrounds, not just Wall
Street. I remember the artists, the musicians, the readers, the goth,
the programmers, the deaf, the teachers, the executives, the Turks,
childhood friends, fleeting friends, random acquaintances.
It was wonderful having such a wide variety because it was a constant
reminder that my way wasn’t the only way to live life. And it’s too easy
to forget that sometimes. It’s easy to get lost on the Wall Street life
or the Silicon Valley life. I’ve been blessed to have worked at the best
of the street and the best of the valley, but it’s still crucially
important for me to remember that these are small microcosms of
humanity. They may be where the money is concentrated but they
definitely are not the only place to look for interesting people
(sometimes just the opposite in fact.)
So I need to find a way to build that variety in my California life. I
have a bit of it with the scrapbooking I do. But not enough of it. Not
nearly enough of it.
So I’ve been experiencing a new bout of giddy with
new friendship syndrome. And I was trying to remember the last time
this happened so I was looking through my archives and spent the day
going down memory lane. The last time I blogged about it was in 2001
but I did have another one of these in 2003, when I moved to San Diego.
It’s interesting to see that they are not as frequent as they seem and,
over time, I am not actually even friends with half these people. I am
with some and in those cases, they are solid, strong friendships that
feel good and not messed up even though the intensity is gone. It’s good
to know it can last but it doesn’t matter too much to me if it doesn’t
each time. Some people have staying power, others don’t. Each plays
his/her role in my life and that’s the part that matters.
I’ve also noticed today that the intensity with which I go to this phase
can freak some people out. This has happened before when people
interpret it as more than friendship or aren’t used to people being
really this straight with them and not having it be sexual. But it’s
not. And generally, eventually they come around. But, maybe not every
time. Who knows?
Anyhow, another important thing I thought today is that I miss writing
this blog. I mean properly writing it. Where it’s not photos or
scrapbooking or books, but it’s me. My thoughts. Not just about David,
though those too. But about me, what I think. What’s going on. Why it
matters.
So I’m going to try to do a lot of that. Daily, in fact. Let’s see if I
can manage every day in November.
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projects for twenty twenty-four
projects for twenty twenty-three
projects for twenty twenty-two
projects for twenty twenty-one
projects for twenty nineteen
projects for twenty eighteen
projects from twenty seventeen
monthly projects from previous years
some of my previous projects
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