I realized today that I waste so many of my emotions.

Of course, on some level, I always knew this. But somehow it just hit me today in a way that suddenly made me realize it well enough to rid myself of this destructive behavior. I guess even though I know something about myself, it takes a certain level of acceptance/understanding for me to do something about it.

Anyhow, I was talking to a friend and he said that he worried about his friend often, and I replied, “You shouldn’t worry, that’s a wasted emotion.” He looked at me like I was a freak and then started laughing at me. How dare I, the queen of worrying, give such advice, he said.

He was right, of course.

Certain emotions are totally valid and people experience them regularly. We all get angry, feel sad or happie. There are legitimate situations that cause one or more of these emotions to emerge and I think that’s perfectly acceptable, assuming your emotion is proportional and correlated to the event.

And then there’s an entire set of wasted emotions, the top three in my list are worrying, feeling frustrated and being jealous. I can’t think of any scenarios where such emotions are constructive or worthwhile. Let’s analyze each:

While worrying makes your insides rot, it doesn’t actually help you or the other person resolve the issue that’s making you worry. For example, after I took an exam in college, I’d spend hours worrying about whether I passed or failed. Does it matter? Not really, at that point. Regardless of the outcome, it’s impossible for me to change it. Would it have helped if I worried before the exam? Again, not really. It would have helped if I studied but worrying itself doesn’t help me one bit. On the contrary, it might have stopped me from concentrating. You might be inclined to say, “Who worries about grades? That’s so stupid. I worry about important things like getting a job or being sick.” But, trust me, worrying doesn’t help in any one of those situations either.

Frustration. Another totally useless emotion. What does frustration even mean? It can be out of boredom, anger, helplessness or many other actual emotions. But frustration itself is not good for anything. It’s most likely an emotion that symbolizes the need to “do something” about a situation that is in some way out of hand. Feeling frustrated doesn’t resolve the issue, realizing what’s causing the frustration and addressing that, however, does.

Oh and one of my favorites, jealousy. I used to be so incredibly jealous that it was embarrassing. I’ve always believed jealousy is closely tied with someone’s self worth. Most people who’re jealous of their significant others feel that way cause they don’t think they’re worthy of their significant other and that she or he might leave at any minute when she or he realizes how unworthy the person is. Sad, but true. And jealousy can be overwhelming for the person who feels it and totally unbearable for the party for whom it’s felt. Talk about a wasted emotion. You end up driving the person away just cause you’re stifling the crap out of them.

These three are my top wasted emotions. I’m happy to say that I’ve made huge strides in jealousy and it’s almost non-existent for me now. I’ve also worked hard to improve the frustration one. Which leaves me with my worst: worry. This will be extremely difficult for me to let go.

For some reason worry is associated with being nice and caring. We worry about the people we care about and that’s a good thing. Actually, I no longer think that’s true. Worrying doesn’t help the other person. Sometimes it stifles him or her and limits his or her freedom in the same way jealousy does. Almost always, it eats you up from the inside and sometimes even makes you feel anger towards the other party for not being considerate of your feelings. I think caring is totally fine and wonderful, and it involves being there for the other person, feeling happy and angry and sad with them. Sharing laughter and making memories, being a shoulder on which to lean. Helping out, lending an ear. All these are acceptable and all show that you care.

But worrying, well that’s a waste.

Which is why I will stop.

What emotions do you waste?

Previously? Home.

I can’t exactly be sure when it all started.

Maybe it’s cause, as a little kid, I had friends who didn’t think I fit in and didn’t like me to be around most of the time. Maybe it’s cause I’ve met too many two-faced people. Maybe it’s just me and my overactive imagination.

But I seem to suffer from paranoia. Not the kind movies are made of where you think someone is out to kill you, but the kind where you think no one likes you. That’s not even exactly accurate. I know that Jake loves me and I have a few really close friends whom I trust to tell me the truth.

With most other people, I am more guarded than usual and I look for any excuse to conclude that they harbor negative thoughts towards me. It’s like the walking into a room when people suddenly grow quiet effect, but it’s tripled or even worse. Someone mentions something that annoys him or her and I make a quick mental search to see if I’ve ever done that to that person. Are they talking about me? Are they trying to give hints that I piss them off?

I remember watching Pretty Woman years ago and there is a scene where he tells her how beautiful she is and she says that the bad stuff is easier to remember. Even back then, I agreed with that wholeheartedly. Jake must have told me millions of amazing and loving words over the years, most of which I can’t recall, but I can tell you almost every single mean word he used. When he mentions something negative, I am much more willing to accept it as truth than when he compliments me.

Since I know I am screwed up in this manner, I tend to ask my friends to be fully honest with me. I’m less likely to be paranoid about what they might be saying behind my back if I know they can tell the brutal truth to my face. As distinctly as I remember the negative, it’s nothing compared to what my imagination can do, so often times, the brutal truth is much milder than what I cooked up.

Amazing how a few bad friends can ruin you for life.

Previously? Loss of Memories

What’s wrong with me?

You mean more than the usual?

Ha ha. Seriously, I think I’m losing my mind.

I’m sure you’re exaggerating. You seem to be of sound mind to me.

Yeah? I came to work on Wednesday and within ten minutes I couldn’t remember whether I took my medication or not. I sat there, staring at the bottle, hoping it would tell me if I’d already swallowed one.

That’s perfectly normal. People forget things all the time.

The same thing happened on Thursday morning.

Hmm.

Also, I seem to be crying a lot.

You always cry a lot. You cry at Goldie Hawn movies, for goodness sake!

Yes, but I don’t usually cry at work. Yesterday, I broke down and wept three times at work.

It’s just the medication, I’m sure it’s making you edgy.

I spend most of the night staring at the darkness and watching the clock. During the few hours that I pass out, I have vivid nightmares that haunt me even after I wake up.

You just need to calm down and have some fun.

You’re joking right? I can’t sit for longer than fifteen minutes before my leg feels like millions of needles are pricking it. As soon as my back touches anything, it’s like someone is rubbing sandpaper against my skin.

You can still lie in bed and read. You claim you love reading so much, here’s your chance to do tons of it.

I can’t concentrate at all. My mind is all but mush. I can’t do my work, I can’t read more than a page of anything.

Watch TV then. Play video games.

I’m considering going back home.

Good idea, maybe you can lie down a bit and put some heat on your back.

No, I mean home home.

You mean Turkey home?

Yep.

Okay, I didn’t realize things were this severe. I think it’s time to go see someone. Preferably a professional.

That’s what I’ve been telling you all along.

Previously? Weird