The Defense by Steve Cavanagh
My rating: 3 of 5 stars
This was a fast paced thriller, but I think my mind was distracted so I never properly got into it and didn’t care enough to really get engrossed in it.
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I am a big fan of Julia Alvarez and have loved several of her novels. I love her narrative style and I love her beautiful characters and this book is no exception. This is the story of Alma who is a famous author who decides to move back to her home country and create a cemetery of untold stories to honor and bury all the stories that won’t leave her alone but that she’s not managed to write. The novel intermingles Alma’s story with Filomena’s (a worker she hires to tend to her cemetery) and several of the characters also tell their stories. Each story is unique and interesting and you can’t help but get attached. IT wasn’t my favorite of Alvarez’s novels but I still loved all the moments I spent with it. with gratitude to netgalley and Algonquin Books for an advanced copy in exchange for an honest review 
Here are a few other books I loved
Here are all 202 books I’ve read this year. You can see my goodreads reviews here.
 As always, I want to start by saying that this is going to be a long post. These reflective posts are how I make sure to live my life intentionally. They matter to me and I love being able to look back on them in future years. I know that this might not be interesting to many (if not any) of you, so please feel free to skip it. If some of you find it interesting, all the better. This particular exercise is following Susannah Conway’s Unraveling 2024 sheet. You can download it right here. I split the reflective questions looking back on 2023 in and the questions to help clarify goals/dreams for 2024 into two posts. This is part I, part II comes next week. All questions are Susannah’s and are copyrighted to her. Describe 2023 in three words: challenging, change, grateful If the events of 2023 were made into a film or a book, what would it be called? She tried, she grew, she let go. Describe the plot and main characters of 2023. Any unexpected plot twists? Yes, so many twists and so many new characters. I am grateful for the new friends I made this year and people who held me and showed me so much patience and kindness. This year had some really hard moments and also some wonderful joys as many of them seem to lately. I am grateful to be here and grateful to love and be loved by so many people. Did you have a word, words or a phrase for 2023? open If you did, how have they guided and supported you through the last 12 months? After my leave in the summer of 2022, I felt so much spaciousness and openness and I really wanted to hold on to that feeling of calm and generosity. I wanted to remember that I have what I need and it’s all icing from here onwards. Even though I lost that feeling on and off throughout the year, I can still connect with it deeply and my body remembers that feeling. Each time I felt myself closing in, I reminded myself to stay open. It has been a good companion for this year and I expect it will be a word I will carry all my life. How have you evolved over the last 12 months? What feels different now? Hmmm. I think I feel calmer and more grounded. I also feel like I can see the good around me better. I also feel more generous about letting others be who they are. When did you stand up for yourself in 2023? (And when didn’t you?) Several times at work and several times at home. I feel like I worked hard to protect myself and stand up for my needs. In both cases, I put up with more than I should have in several instances. My threshold is higher than it should be but I am working on it. What’s supported you most in 2023? What’s really helped? I think it was a combination of things: I feel really supported at work with both friends and my manager. I am grateful for that. I also felt really supported by friends and art and books helped so much as they always do. And, of course, therapy helped a lot too. What exhausted you in 2023? Did you notice at the time? I am most definitely emotionally exhausted. The beginning of 2023 was very tough with getting covid, surgery and a few really tough conversations. The last few months have been very intense at work with a lot to do. I also haven’t been sleeping well which isn’t helping either. What did you let go of this year? And how do you feel about this? I am learning to let go of control. Of certainty that I think that I have but of course don’t have. I am learning to let things be and have faith that I can take whatever comes my way. What new priorities have you uncovered in 2023? Big or small. This year, I invested a lot into slowing down. I took longer to get out of bed, I gave myself more grace and I didn’t push myself as hard. I also worked hard to have my people’s back. My people and myself are my priorities. Which connections have you cherished the most in 2023? Of course my family. Also friendships both old and new. My connection with Ellen at work. Several work colleagues who I’ve really loved working with. What ambushed you in 2023? How did you deal with it? Covid, some conversations at work and home, and so many hard decisions. I am still learning to deal with it. I am trying to walk the path slowly and gracefully. If your body could talk, what has it been saying this year? I am here to support you and I know that when you’re ready, you will do better. How have you taken care of yourself physically? What’s worked? What needs work? I tried to be less intense this year than I was last year but I think that resulted in relaxing too much and I didn’t work out nearly as much as I should have. I am weaker than I was last year. But that’s ok. I’ll slowly get back where I need to be. How have you taken care of yourself mentally? What’s worked? What needs work? I’ve done a lot of learning this year. Both at work and for creativity. I didn’t take as many classes as I would have liked, but I liked everything I took and I practiced a lot. I also spent a year learning Korean. I am looking forward to taking more classes next year. How have you taken care of yourself emotionally? What’s worked? What needs work? I did a lot of therapy and work on myself this year. I’d like to say it worked but of course I need more work. I am grateful for all the time and effort I’ve invested into it. I plan to continue to do so. The Releasing – Go gently with this next section. This is the space to remember the losses, the goodbyes and the struggles. Did anything happen in 2023 that needs to be forgiven, perhaps? Use this space to note down the more difficult moments of 2023 and keep going in your journal if you feel ready to untangle your feelings further. So much happened this year. I messed up so many times, I caused pain, I was hurtful or neglectful. I messed up more than I would like. I also got hurt so much. People were unkind. Conversations were difficult. I felt lonely and alone and unseen and broken and helpless. It was a tough year. The Gratitudes – Use this page to record everything you’re grateful for What are you proud of yourself for in 2023? I am proud that I finally did the surgery. I am proud that I am working hard and doing my best. I am proud of learning to give myself more grace. I am proud of learning to let go of control and learning to see my people and give them the space they need to be who they are. I have grown and learned so much. I’ve also realized that my capacity for all things is much higher than average. When did you feel most like yourself this year? I can’t remember a particular time. I do think I am most like myself when I have a few days off and I can center myself and go back to that feeling of spaciousness. What have you healed this year (or identified needs healing)? I have identified a lot but I don’t really think I’ve healed anything in particular. What questions and explorations are you taking with you into 2024? I am taking everything with me. I plan to spend a lot of 2024 exploring who I am. What’s deepened in your life? What’s changing in ways that delight you? Hmm… I don’t think I have a good answer for that except maybe my ability to see when people are kind to me. Who are you becoming? Does it excite or scare you? Hold space for the feelings…I think more than ever before, I am ready to become myself. Even though I’ve never been willing to be anything but me, I also think that I wasn’t always sure who I am in many ways and I am ready to find out. Before we finish with 2023, take a few minutes to write out anything else you want to say to the old year. You might like to say some final goodbyes and thank yous… Dear 2023, you were a hard one, for sure. This year started with covid and a surgery and then became very emotionally challenging and then became really mentally challenging but I am still here and I have learned and grown through the process. And I am a better person for it. Having said that, I don’t mind if we can make the next one a little less stressful. Thank you 2023, you are now complete.
“It had been almost two months and he still waited for her to walk in the back door every morning. That morning he had leaned over Ali’s bed, and when his daughter opened her eyes and he saw the look in them, he knew she did, too. They were all floating in some in-between where nothing seemed real and nothing seemed right. Waiting for the rest of life, whatever that was, a future that felt like a betrayal. He kept her phone charged.” I started this novel months and months ago because I love Anna Quindlen and I knew it would be phenomenal. But it’s about what happens to a family when the mom dies. And it was so heartbreaking that I had to put it down. For months. I picked it up and put it down many, many, many times because this year was hard enough on its own and I didn’t need to sit in more grief. I didn’t want to sit in more grief. ““Yep,” he said. Her “complicated” and his “yep” were first cousins, were two answers designed to keep the jack in the box, because who knew what might pop out, everyone has a whole universe of trouble inside and no one wants the world to know.” Finally a few days ago I was ready to tackle it and I am so glad I did. I will say that I still think it’s very, very, very sad. The grief pours out of each page. It’s heavy and hard to read. Especially because it’s not “in your face” grief. It’s not wailing. It’s the quiet, subtle grief that’s so much more heart wrenching. It’s the little moments that will never be the same. It’s the ordinary losses that feel so acute. “You know, one thing I like about Miss Cruz,” Ali said. “She never says that. It’s like she knows that time can pass, and things can get better, or things can get worse, or maybe they’ll just stay the same. People act like time will fix things so everything will be the same again, everything will be all right, but sometimes it’s the opposite. Ant can get harder and meaner until that’s the person he is, for all time.” There’s so much sadness and grief in this story. But there’s also moments of joy and hope. As with life, mostly we tend to move on, mostly we’re resilient and we recover. People help us. Kindness helps us. And we pick up our pieces and we find a way to survive and if we’re lucky we also find a way back to joy. What a beautiful story this was. As with all her stories, this will stay with me for a long time. with gratitude to netgalley and Random House for an advanced copy in exchange for an honest review
“There is no such thing as a happy place. Because when you are happy, everywhere is a happy place. And when you are sad, everywhere is a sad place.” What a gift it is to read one of my favorite books for the year during the last few days of the year. This book was such a journey and so unexpected. “I think we talk about happiness all wrong. As if it’s this fixed state we’re going to reach. Like we’ll just be able to live there, forever. But that’s not my experience with happiness. For me, it comes and go. It shows up and then disappears like a bubble.” It’s the story of Phoebe who is at a particularly low moment in her life and can’t see a way out. It’s the story of Lila who is at a particularly high moment in her life about to get married. And how their lives clash and entangle in the most unexpected of ways. “They get back in the car. She wonders if her feelings for Gary could be a new form of love, one she’s never known before: love without expectation. Love that you are just happy enough to feel. Love that you don’t try to own like a painting. But she doesn’t know if that is a real thing. She hopes it is. She looks out to the side of the road, like she’s a kid going on an errand with her father, announcing whatever billboard she sees.” There are so many “life” stories in this one book. And it’s not about any one of them as much as it is about all of them. Infertility, infidelity, marriage, getting old, getting married, losing a parent, feeling lonely, death of a loved one, disappointment, loss, suicidal ideation, friendship, connection, lack of connection, art, literature, and so so much more. “It is not an easy thing to do, walk away from what you’ve built and save yourself. It is so much easier to sit in things and wait for something to save us.” At its core, it’s about what all good books are about, for me, it’s about humans trying hard to be humans in a world that’s hard, confusing, complicated and complex. It’s about trying to understand what cannot be understood. Life is not simple. Humans are not simple. We can’t even understand our own feelings let alone predict what others’ are feeling. “Because Gary is not wrong—becoming who you want to be is just like anything else. It takes practice.” I loved every one of the moments I spent with these flawed, confused characters. It all seemed real to me, and I loved the brutally honest conversations and the confused ones and the fake ones because they all seemed part of life for me, too. I just felt for all of them because I could see their struggle. Because I could see how hard it was to be a human. “She is so good at predicting what will happen in books, so bad at predicting what will happen in life. That is why she has always preferred books—because to be alive is much harder.” I cannot recommend this story enough. It was deeply moving and meaningful to me, what a gift it is to get to read stories like these. with gratitude to Henry Holt & Company and netgalley for an advanced copy in exchange for an honest review
3.5 i was less engaged with this one. it was still fast paced and fun read.
Read this in one swallow and then watched the show with my husband. Nothing like a good revenge novel.
Wow this was some twisty thriller. I like Finlay’s books but this one read different for me and I really enjoyed it. There were twists and turns and unexpected alliances. This is the story of a car that’s pulled out of a lake with two dead bodies inside. The car belongs to a girl that went missing years ago. She’s not there, two others are. Who are they and how did they get in the car? and where’s the dead girl? it’s a wild ride you’re sure to enjoy. with gratitude to netgalley and St. Martin’s Press for an advanced copy in exchange for an honest review.
3.5 The broken woman comes back home and runs into her childhood sweetheart. The families have not spoken and hate each other. Ring a bell? Yep, Romeo and Juliet’s story never gets old. Just gets different permutations. And this is one. Enjoyable and sweet with some tough stories in the truths of their lives.
Christina Lauren never disappoints. Even though I hadn’t read the earlier books in this series, I loved the idea of these modern retellings of fairy tales. And who doesn’t love Tangled? Written in their typical whimsical style, this is the tale of a girl who’s brought up and homeschooled away from society. When Ren goes to college for the first time, things are about to change. In ways you might predict and in ways you absolutely won’t. A light, fun read that I loved. with gratitude to netgalley and Hyperion Avenue for an advanced copy in exchange for an honest review  You must not ever stop being whimsical. (Yep different page, same quote cause I am wise and didn’t realize I was using the same quote until it was too late. Maybe I needed to see this one twice for some reason….)
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