I’ve spent the last week or two wallowing in self-pity, overwhelmed with feelings of inadequacy. I’ve been looking at other people’s blogs and yearning for their life. Their talent. Their poise. Their spunk. Their sense of calm. Their professionalism. Popularity. Their perfect pages. Amazing drawings. Fun personalities. I can go on and on.
I’ve learned over the years that my mood and sense of self can move in waves. When I am feeling good, I am optimistic, driven, energetic, and kind. But when I am on a negative cycle, I can be depressed, whiny and insecure. I can look at what’s around me and take the very best of others and line it up against the very worst of myself. Where there’s no chance I could ever measure up.
This is where I’d been lately. Even though I know jealousy and worry are completely wasted emotions, I was still unable to pull myself out of it. I looked at everything from a negative point of view. Someone would tweet or write a message about someone else and I would take it all personally. Make it about me and my shortcomings. I’d look for hidden messages in everything. I’d get bitter that so and so hasn’t written back to me yet and it must mean that they secretly hate me. On and on and on.
Two days ago, I was on the phone with my friend Tonya and whining to her about one of these concerns in my head. About feeling like life was just not fair to me. In a single sentence, she was able to change my perspective and allow me to look at my situation in a completely different way so that what I was sad about actually looked like a blessing. It was so simple and so obvious in retrospect but because I’ve been wallowing, I hadn’t seen it at all. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since because it’s the perfect example of the biased lenses I’ve been wearing for the last few weeks.
While her comment was helpful for that situation, it wasn’t enough to get me out of my pity-party. I was still feeling sorry that I wasn’t thinner, more talented, able to draw or write or do some of the millions of things I really wish I could. In the end, it’s really about being popular. Just like high school. Blogs, twitter, facebook are very much like high school to me. People link to each other and talk about each other and I sit there and watch them from the outside. On a sound day, I can tell it makes perfect sense that they talk to each other since that’s how I found them. One linked to the other cause they were friends. Then I follow both and then they talk about each other cause they’ve been friends all along. Before the internet this happened over the phone in the privacy of their homes. Now it happens in front of my eyes and I get to be a voyeur. I get to feel like an outsider all over again. Let me tell you the feelings that brings up…..not good ones.
Anyhow, back to my pity-party. Fundamentally, I was feeling sad about not being popular. Because as we all know, that’s the answer to everything. We all yearn to be loved and be worthy. How better to measure that than by all the numbers the internet gives you? My readers, my facebook friends, my twitter followers, there are numbers everywhere. And all they scream to me is: you are not enough. Not good enough. Not popular enough. Not loved enough.
Oh yes, it’s been that kind of a week.
or two.
And then this morning, I woke up and read this post by Amy about how she lost her father-in-law. But, as many of Amy’s posts are, it was eloquent and about so much more. Amy ends her post with these words:
People die. One day it will be my turn, and a last blessing of Kent’s passing is this feeling in me: get up. Do better. Experience more. Stop wasting time. Live.
And it was the kick in the rear I needed. It’s time to stop wallowing. Life’s short. It’s time to get up and do better. It’s time to dive into the things I want to do. Stop worrying about the popularity contests and invest into things more deeply. To the people I love and people who love me. To things I want to learn. Things I want to master. Ironically, I also realized I need to slow down. Just like it’s not about the number of people who like you, it’s not about the number of things I accomplish. It’s not about numbers at all. It’s not about quantity. It’s about quality. Deep, caring connection. True enjoyment and satisfaction. It’s not just about living fully and doing more. It’s also about living more deeply.
So, once again, I am choosing joy. Because if there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years of these cycles, it’s that it ends when I choose to end it.
And it’s time.
Journaling Reads:
I love etsy.
And it’s not even for the reasons you might think. I don’t like shopping and don’t spend hours online buying things. But I love looking through etsy and discovering more independent artists. I love the web. I love reading the blog of someone I admire, and then being able to go to their etsy store and purchase a piece of art by them right away. I love being able to support them and have them be in my life, and inspire me.
When I moved to my house and saw this huge empty wall in the living room, I knew immediately that I was going to cover it with the works of artists I admired. Artists who made me happy. And looking at this wall makes me happier than any other piece of art in my house.
I am so thankful that we live in an era where people can share across the globe. That I can see, be inspired by, and support an artist miles away. Whose work I would have never ever seen otherwise. And I love the thousands of souls who create art and put it out there for people like me to get inspired.
For the last 11 months, I’ve been writing down three things I’m grateful for every single day. That’s 957 things so far. Of course, there are many that are repeated but still. That’s quite a few things that I can look at on a down day.
The thing is we have blessings to count even on the worst of days. Little things and big things. Health. A stranger’s smile. A favorite song on the radio. A roof to sleep under. The list might be different for each of us but it’s there. So are the bad moments. Even on the best of days, there might be a sorrowful moment, a missed opportunity, a negative comment. These are the pieces of life. Good and bad.
And you can choose to focus on either. The choice is completely yours.
Practicing daily gratitude forces you to take a moment and remember the good. Put the light on the positive moments of your day. And if you do that day after day, you eventually realize that all days have something good in them. You realize that life is pretty good for the most part. You realize that focusing on the good makes life feel better. Even during the rougher days, when you look back, you remember the good because you took that extra time to note it down. Memory is magical like that.
So, even if it’s just for the next few weeks, I hope you take the time to focus on the positive in your life and take the perspective of gratitude.
You will reap the benefits immediately.
Journaling Reads:
I was recently reading a blog post by an artist I admire who’s about to have a kid for the first time. She was saying how she’s been told it’s impossible to be creative and successful once you have a baby. They are so much work and so inspiration goes out the window.
I thought, no way, it’s totally the opposite.
My children have brought me more inspiration, more creativity, and more success than anything else. They inspired me to scrap, to paint, to take photos and to get better at each of them so I could capture our memories in the best possible way. They gave (and continue to give) me unlimited fodder for art, photography, writing.
More significantly, they inspired me to be more authentic to myself, to be happier and more peaceful so I could set the best example to them. Show them that people can live a full life and still be authentic. They accepted me and loved me just the way I am. They encouraged me by telling me how beautiful my art is. They are the definition of inspiration.
In the beginning of October, I started walking every day. I decided that this was time to tackle my issues for once and all. I spent the first month walking while listening to a book on tape. I listened to several books and I felt that the book was keeping my attention focused elsewhere and helping me exercise. For the month of October, I averaged 15 minutes per mile. That’s not so bad for someone who hasn’t exercised a day in the last five years. (Actually, probably longer than that.)
This past Saturday, the book I was listening to was really boring so I decided to put some music on my iPod instead. I wasn’t sure if this would keep my attention in the same way but I didn’t want to waste time thinking about it so I put some of the loudest songs I had on my computer on the ipod and I got down to the business of exercising.
And let me tell you…..music makes a BIG difference.
While the book might be more interesting, the music is definitely more inspiring and gets me going in just the right way so that I can push myself harder and more without trying. I was so amazed at the results on Saturday that I have moved to using only music on my runs now.
Today’s average was: 11.16 minutes/mile.
That’s almost 4 minutes per mile faster. And the only change has been listening to music instead of audio books.
Talk about the inspirational power of music.
Journaling Reads:
When I first started practicing photography, I remember being awed by the range of greens in nature. Have you ever noticed how very many shades of green there are? It’s breathtaking.
There is so much in nature that inspires me. The towering redwood trees of Marin, the endless Pacific Ocean, animals, flowers, the sky. Sand, water, snow, leaves. Pretty much all of it leaves me speechless.
On days when I am down or in need of some inspiration, I take my little boy and go on a walk in my neighborhood. I take the time to look at small details. The way young leaves of a plant are several shades lighter green than the mature ones. The way a single flower can have six shades of blue or red. The way a tulip opens wide like it’s waiting for a hug.
When I lived in Southern California, I used to go to the beach for that. My mom always said that she didn’t like seeing an endless ocean. She likes to look at the sea and see other islands, some land. Not me. I love the immensity of it all. I love how it makes me feel like all my problems are so small.
Journaling Reads:
In 2007, I took Shimelle’s class on making a Christmas minibook. That 31-day course was the first time I created a book focused on the season. The next year, I discovered Ali’s December Daily and I was immediately in love.
Since then, I haven’t missed a year and each year I prepare my book earlier and earlier in anticipation of all the wonderful memories and excursions and family time we plan during the holiday season.
This book has become my favorite project of the year. It’s my way to capture my artistic width and depth and for me to capture the way we’re living our lives right now and for me to take a moment every single day to remember how grateful I am for my life. For our life.
These books are among some of my most cherished items in my life. We regularly look through them and talk about the memories. It’s a minibook that always sits on my mantle. This is not just another scrapping project, it’s a way for me to enjoy Christmas while it’s happening and it heightens my awareness.
In honor of my tradition of daily photography and a guest post at shutter sisters today, I wanted to share with you some of my favorite daily photos since I’ve started karenika.com. They’re not in any kind of order.
They are over the years so they are taken with different cameras and have different amounts of post-processing.
First time doing lowlight photography.
Macro.
One of my all-time favorite shots of David.
Skyline Boulevard.
Another macro-ish shot in San Diego.
Fitzgerald Marine Reserve.
Hillside, Fethiye, Turkey.
Recent Nathaniel photo that Jake likes.
California Academy of Sciences.
and
La Jolla at sunset.
And of course the butterfly in the banner.
I am so grateful for my tradition of daily photography and how much it allowed me to capture my life over the years.
Journaling Reads:
When my older son was born in 2005, I decided to take a photo of him every single day for his first year. I made posters with the 365 days’ worth of photos and loved seeing how much he changed in his first year of life. And then in 2008, I again decided to start taking daily photos and have been taking them without a break for almost three years, now.
These photos capture the essence of our lives. From the minutia to the rare big occasions. From the mundane to the special. These photos show our progress, our joy, our milestones, even our sorrows.
I look at my older photos regularly. I love flipping through and smiling at the memories that come rushing in. I love seeing what used to be ordinary for us and how much it’s changed.
Most significantly, taking the moment to take photos has improved my memory considerably. Because I have to take the extra few seconds to look through the shutter, it’s like I freeze that moment in my mind, too. And now it’s etched there forever. So I can stop time whenever I wish.
I hate Halloween.
There I’ve said it. I really, truly hate it. I don’t like pumpkins or pumpkin pie. I do not enjoy costumes. Most importantly, I hate anything scary. And Halloween’s built on scary. Maybe if I were a kid, I might enjoy the candy but, at my age, I know it’s best to stay away from it. So, in my opinion there’s nothing redeemable about this day.
Maybe it’s because I haven’t grown up with the tradition of celebrating it. Where I come from, we don’t have Halloween or anything like it. For the first few years I moved here, I ignored it. Then for a brief period I made my peace with and even embraced giving candy to the kids who came to our door.
Then we had kids and it was time to go trick or treating, and I hated it all over again. The haunted houses, the horror movies on TV, the candy I had to tell my son he couldn’t have. (One or two or three but certainly not the whole bucket.) I just didn’t understand what was so great about this holiday.
A few years ago, my husband bought a pumpkin carving kit. A $5 one at wal-mart. It came with pictures you taped on the pumpkin and then cut out. This little thing was the first step to changing my feelings about this holiday. I now really enjoy the process of picking the pattern and carving the pumpkin with my kids. (Even though I do all the work.) I also enjoy our yearly trips to the pumpkin patch. I love that it’s something we do as a family.
So while I am still not at peace with Halloween, I did manage to create some small sub-traditions around this holiday that I look forward to. This way, I can make sure that I share my kids’ enthusiasm about one of their favorite days of the year.
Maybe that’s the trick for dealing with something you cannot stand: creating a small portion inside it that you love.
The following is cross-posted from the Weekly Gratitude Blog. I will post there every Tuesday and decided to post those posts here, too. For those of you who read both blogs, I apologize in advance. Some weeks the content might be different and other weeks, exactly the same.
Journaling Reads:
In 2003 my husband and I spent two months driving across the United States.
Prior to that, we’d been living in New York City and hadn’t even owned a car. Prior to that, I had never camped. I refused to use a public bathroom. I couldn’t really drive. I always overpacked for car trips. I spent a long time picking hotels and restaurants. I couldn’t read a map.
This one trip changed all of that. In two months I learned to become a master navigator. I could put up a tent in the dark. I slept anywhere from mountain sides to swamp sides. I used pretty much all kinds of public bathrooms (and even gas station ones – but I still refuse to go into a port-a-potty.) I got really great at finding decent hotels and food. I learned to be flexible and enjoy every moment of being in the car.
That trip also was the start of a tradition for us. We’re definitely cartrip people now. We drive everywhere and I prefer it over any other kind of trip. I love being able to get in the car and just take off, knowing it’s all going to be perfectly fine.
I was thinking about traditions last week. Since that’s the theme of this month and since the holiday season is fast approaching, traditions are on my mind lately. It seems many of our traditions surround the holidays and surround family. And yet, what’s a tradition but a recurring activity?
Something we do again and again just because someone, somewhere along the line, started it and we’re choosing to continue it. I must admit that being a routine and schedule-lover, I cherish our traditions. I see them coming every year and I can plan for them and doing them gives me a major sense of accomplishment.
In fact, I’ve been thinking recently that I love traditions so much that I want to create some of my own, just for myself. For example, I could start one called Wednesday Lunch where each Wednesday I go to a local cafe with a favorite book and my little boy. This way, I get to eat something I love, take a little break out of my work day and get out of the house on a regular basis. (I work from home so it’s easy to stay in all day long.) If I do it once or twice, I might stop doing it but if I call it my weekly tradition, then it feels like something more substantial. It feels more sacred and I am less likely to skip it. And it means I get to actually go out and enjoy the California sunshine weekly.
After all, it’s a tradition.
So here’s my plan: set two new traditions that encourage me to do something I love on a regular basis.
How about you set one with me, too? Maybe it’s having a cup of coffee somewhere I can people-watch. Or reserving some time to read. Or writing in my journal. Maybe it’s meeting a friend to go to the movies every Thursday. It can be a daily commitment or a monthly one. Or even a yearly one. As long as it’s something that makes you happy. What would be on your list?
The following is cross-posted from the Weekly Gratitude Blog. I will post there every Tuesday and decided to post those posts here, too. For those of you who read both blogs, I apologize in advance. Some weeks the content might be different and other weeks, exactly the same.
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projects for twenty twenty-four
projects for twenty twenty-three
projects for twenty twenty-two
projects for twenty twenty-one
projects for twenty nineteen
projects for twenty eighteen
projects from twenty seventeen
monthly projects from previous years
some of my previous projects
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