I was very relaxed today. I spent the day reading and playing with my boys. I was calm and collected most of my day and felt peaceful. Not rushed, not stressed, not like I wasn’t doing something I was supposed to. Days like this are rare for me.
In the afternoon little boy and I took a walk together. Just a little stroll where he sucked on his thumb and looked around and I snapped some photos and we both got some fresh air. And then I snapped a few of him. My wonderful boy.
Note to Self:
Several thoughts on my mind today. As I lay in bed, reading my book, I realized why I love reading so much. Reading doesn’t require anything from me. When I write, when I create art, when I take photos, I judge my work all the time. I strive to do better. I work hard. I am impatient. Judging. Not good enough. It sucks a piece of my soul every time no matter what. Yet reading demands nothing of me but my presence. It gives me things. It gives me thoughts, feelings, connection, joy. I love reading. It will always be my first true love.
As I was walking around today I realized that photography gives me two big presents. One is that I remember better. My memory has never been so great, I forget things all the time. And yet when I take a photo of a moment, not only does the photo preserve it, but I seem to remember it all better just due to the fact that I took a moment to photograph that. The act of preservation on paper, preserves it in my brain. The other wonderful thing photography gave me is that I now see the world more. I pay attention more. I look at the details. The colors. The small bits of water hanging on to leaves. The tiny buds waiting to emerge. Things that most people walk by, things that usually go unnoticed. I see them. I feel them. Photography helps me live the world more alive. More aware. What a great gift.
I have been eating really badly lately. Not the burger and fries kind but the coffee and graham cracker kind. Some days I will eat a bunch of crackers, some yogurt and two coffees for my whole day’s meal. I am still nursing 6-8 times a day so this is not only bad for me but it’s also bad for the baby. All this processed food is keeping my energy level low and isn’t adding anything to my already sleep-deprived state. This was one of the first years I didn’t even think to resolve to lose weight. I am done with diets. I don’t want to live my life that way. But I do want to eat healthier. I want to have better eating habits. Set a better example for my children. So I decided to start something new. Once a week, I will cook veggies for the week and cut up a ton of fruit and put it in the fridge. This way, each time I open the fridge there’s something healthy and fresh ready to eat. It might not work, but it’s certainly worth a try.
I’ve noticed that I am so impatient. I rarely like to revise my words. I am so done with them once they are out of me. I rush through my art, even processing my photos. I hate leaving pieces undone. I don’t take my time. I rush rush rush to finish. I wonder what would happen to my art if I slowed down, if I took several hours or days to get it done. Will it end up better? Or what if I just gave myself 30 minutes? Does the output quality actually change? Would my art look different? I wonder…
Three things I’m grateful for today:
1. That little walk in the afternoon. I rarely take them and they always make me feel better. I should take more walks.
2. Watching a movie in bed with my husband, holding hands. Can life get any better than that, really?
3. Feeling like I have no reason to rush. Being able to take it easy even if just for a day. I meant to take a bubble bath today. I’ll have to do that tomorrow.
David made this today. He told me it helps him brainstorm ideas. (Brainstorm?? where did he learn that word?)
And here he is using it. He said it works super-fast!
And then he went to play outside so Nathaniel chased after him and watched him from inside the house.
And he smiled.
And David laughed and entertained him.
I love my boys.
I got to sleep in this morning. (Thank you, my love) and the difference between getting one or two hours of sleep is tangible. Waking up in less pain is magical. As promised, I took it easy today. I finished Julie and Julia, I read some of my book, I played with my kids, I cooked food for Nathaniel and for myself, David and I started a crafty project, and I even did a catalyst. Now I am relaxing more, watching some TV, and I am glad I get to have one more day of this.
Note to Self:
This whole week has felt all out of sorts for me. Last three weeks to be honest. I think tomorrow is a good day to sit down and get organized. I know I function better when I make lists. They help me take stock of where I am and what needs to get done. I’ve been so off lately that I haven’t even looked at my todo lists, let alone make them. Even if the list is a mile-long I know that I feel better when I’ve made it.
Part of me can’t believe it’s only been a week since this year has officially started and another part of me is worried January is already over. (We’ve been booking some things so the end of the month and the next month are all on my mind.) This year hasn’t felt like a new year just yet. I need to do something for it to feel more right. Now if only I knew what it was…
Three things I’m grateful for today:
1. Long naps. Nathaniel took an extra-long nap this morning. David played downstairs while I read and relaxed. It was nice to have the extra bit of quiet time. As with David (when he was a baby) I found myself feeling frustrated that I didn’t know it was going to be a long one or I would have planned to use the time better. That’s me. Always the optimizer. But here we are. It was still nice to have it.
2. My husband filled up the gas in my car. This is something I just don’t enjoy doing. Not sure why and I can do it if I need to but it’s something I always dread so it was extra-nice of him to do this for me.
3. While I love the holiday season, I’m always bummed that TV is on hiatus and I am thankful that it’s finally coming back and I can watch some of the shows I like again. I love watching TV and I will not apologize for it. So there 🙂
I snapped a photo of these at today’s play group. You know how I love tulips. Here’s one of Nathaniel at the play group, too.
Uneventful day yet I still feel wiped and overwhelmed. Who knows what it’s all about. Nathaniel did sleep better last night, thank God. Not much to report from today. I am looking forward to the weekend and I plan to take it easy. I think my body and heart both need that.
Note to Self:
I go around and around and always end up here. Validation. Feedback. Why is it something I need so much? Do I think that other people liking me makes me a better person? If they love me, will I also love me? Of course, not. It all starts with me. Gotta remember that better. How do I find a way to remember that?
I’ve been a bit behind in my catalysts. I want to make them but I’ve been too tired to sit and do art. I am not feeling inspired. I question my ability to create anything worthy. Whatever that means. Tonight I told myself that maybe I should just do some digital pages. For me, that’s almost like I’m cheating. Doing them for the sake of doing them. But then I remember it’s more about “Therapy” than “art.” If I also get to create beautiful art, that’s wonderful, but not if it gets in the way of the therapy. Just like the weekly gratitude. The goal is to get the stories down. The words. Those are the magic for me. The words. Gotta remember.
Three things I’m grateful for today:
1. The man who fixed our back door. The door that opens from the living room to the back yard has been broken for two weeks now. I use that door twenty times a day, so it’s been really frustrating not to have it. I tend to take these kinds of situations and let them really really get me worked up. So I’ve been carrying this around for over ten days. When it finally got fixed (we hope!) today, it was a big relief. I can now put all this frustration down.
2. Nathaniel’s baby group. While I’m still apprehensive and shy around the women, I love that Nathaniel has someone to play with once a week for an hour. He doesn’t get it yet but still, it’s good for him to play with other little babies, wander around in someone else’s house. I love that he has that.
3. Simple yet entertaining movies. I’ve been brain-dead for a few days now. I have read a little but I’ve mostly been watching movies. I’ve watched 500 Days of Summer, Post-Grad, All About Steve, and now Julie and Julia. None of them were masterpieces but I loved them all. I loved the little bit of relaxation they gave my soul.
This morning started out very very rough. Nathaniel has not been sleeping well and even when he sleeps, I have not been sleeping. Maybe nerves, or stuff on my mind. Who knows? All I know is that I am not getting enough sleep. This morning I was in so much pain, I wanted to cry. I literally had to drag myself out of bed to take David to school. I was functioning below average all day and felt like I was in a daze. More like I was slapped all night long.
Nathaniel decided to skip his morning nap, too. Which made things that much more stressful and tiring. I guess that’s what I guess for telling the universe that his naps have been going well. I still forced myself to drive slowly when I went to pickup David though. Especially in my less-than-aware state, I didn’t want to risk getting into any accidents.
By mid-afternoon I was feeling 15% better. Nathaniel has learned how to climb on top of things to get to where he needs to be. Can’t say the boy isn’t resourceful. And he loves walking over to David’s table and patting on it while David eats. Look at my boy eating those veggies he hates so much.
And here’s one of the big boy, lest you think I neglect him. He’s so beautiful, it takes my breath away. He’s been so good this last year. Between my tough pregnancy and the many many sleepless nights I’ve now had, I’ve been much grouchier than usual but my boy has been strong and kind to me. He even said today “Don’t worry Mommy tomorrow is a new day.” How do you not love that boy?
Oh and I should mention there was an earthquake today, around 10:13or so. I was in the living room, feeding Nathaniel. It was quite small but creepy nonetheless.
Here’s to hoping I get some sleep tonight or I might just break.
Note to Self:
I’m normally a very type-A person. I rush from one place to another. I speak super-fast. I am demanding and annoying and tend to get my way. Persistent is the nice word for it. But today I was just the opposite. I was so tired that I just didn’t have the fight in me. I did most everything slowly, more deliberately because I needed the extra effort to focus. I gave in more quickly and decided it just wasn’t worth the energy to try and resolve certain things so they were the way I wanted them. At some point in the day, I wondered how my life would be if I just were this kind of person. If I did things more slowly, more deliberately, not just to get them done. And if I just didn’t fight/stress/worry over the details and try to get my way. If I just accepted things, went with the flow. How would life be? How would I be?
I’m not sure to be honest. There are good things about my being so type-A. It’s one of my strong suits. I get stuff done. Ask any of my managers and they’ll say it’s what makes me great at my job. I am reliable. I am organized. I make sure our family’s needs get met and stuff is in order, etc. etc. I have many weaknesses but this is more of a strength generally. But sometimes I wonder how my life would be if I relaxed more. Worried less. Got less done. Who knows?
Three things I’m grateful for today:
1. We booked a short vacation today. In a ski resort. With some friends. I am a bit apprehensive about it. But also really grateful and looking forward to it. Last time we went on vacation with friends was over ten years ago.
2. I grew up in a place where labor is cheap and it’s common to have help. We had a maid and a driver, etc. But I am really uncomfortable with all that now. It’s one of the reasons I don’t have anyone helping with Nathaniel while I work. I don’t like being served. I know this says something about me but I am too tired to analyze it now. The one indulgence we do have is a cleaning lady who comes every other week. And even though I always dread the day she comes, I am always so happy when she’s cleaned our place. We’ve been pretty neat in this house but it’s still a magical feeling when she leaves and my house is sparkling. So I am really grateful for her.
3. I was thinking today how grateful I am for all of you who come visit me here and leave me kind comments. For most of you I’m a practical stranger who posts about her kids and random stuff and yet you come, you say hi, you make my day. Thank you. I can not put into words how much your words mean to me.
And finally a not-so-terrible day! Not that it was fantastic mind you, but I felt more relaxed, less rushed, and more at peace today in general. I did have a doctor’s appointment and had to wait for an hour before I was told the doctor was sick and I had to reschedule for February. Fun! But otherwise, the day we more productive than it’s been lately. And I’ve been feeling less hurried.
Though, it was a bad-photo day. I snapped this one of David playing the Wii while Nathaniel watched (and ate the remotes)
And a B/W of the little boy. But I am not a big fan of either photo. What can you do? Some days are like that.
And I finally booked my hotel for CHA. Yey. Third year in a row.
Note to Self:
I’ve been driving more slowly, more mindfully lately. I always worry about getting David to school on time, picking him up on time, not letting Nathaniel fall asleep in the car. And I fid myself rushing all the time. But for the last three days, I’ve been slowing down, not passing cars that are a bit slow and just reminding myself that it’s ok if I am three minutes late. As it turns out, I am never late and I make it there in about the same time I would have if I rushed. Yet, I feel so much calmer and more peaceful.
Three things I’m grateful for today:
1. A nice and motivating conversation with my friend Lori. Lori’s awesome and she always knows how to say the right thing when I need to hear it. Thank you for always cheering me on, Lori.
2. Kindness of others. I had to do some technical changes at work quickly and people have gone out of their way to help me. I love it when people are responsive and on the ball. (Especially when I’m having the opposite experience on a situation about my home.)
3. Nathaniel’s naps been relatively well aligned with David’s school. This is something that really stresses me usually but it’s been working smoothly so far and I am utterly grateful to not have to sit in the car while he sleeps and to get a few hours of uninterrupted work while he naps.
Around my house.
Today was a rough day. It didn’t really even have a reason to be. It was a collection of little frustrations but they built up inside me and I couldn’t let it go. I could not relieve the frustration no matter how much I tried and I just felt even more frustrated because of it. It crescendoed into something monumentally terrible. And now I feel spent and worn out and dejected. All over nothing. Over stupid, little, insignificant events occurring simultaneously.
My most tender moment came when Nathaniel woke up from his long afternoon nap. I saw his face and my whole being felt a rush of gratitude. I love him so deeply and I am so thankful for my life. I need to learn to focus on the good. I have so much of the good. So so much.
He’s so beautiful. So sweet. So kind. So cute. So loved. His brother, too. So magical.
Happy to be done with today. Tomorrow is another day and it starts fresh.
Note to Self:
I need to learn to let go. Things don’t have to get done immediately. Many of the small things that I obsess over don’t actually matter. They don’t. They certainly don’t deserve to own my life and take over my emotions and mental state like they did today. Life is beautiful. Even when the moment seems challenging. It’s ok to have challenging moments. To accept them for what they are and then to let them go. To be open to something better. Let go and breathe. I need to breathe more. More often. Longer. Breathe.
Three things I’m grateful for today:
1. A new and much anticipated book arrived in the mail today. I am really looking forward to reading it.
2. The group-chat functionality of Google Chat. Four friends chatting about vacation is extra fun when we can do it all at the same time.
3. Heating. It may seem silly but it’s been really cold here and the house we lived in last year had a lot of holes in it so it would never get warm enough. We’d see our breath a lot in the winter. I am thankful that this house is well sealed and has a good heating system and I am so warm and cozy in it.
Even though I’m a tulip person I still am awed by a beautiful rose.
It was good to be back into my routine today. Felt right. I tried not to rush through it. Towards the end of the day, it got a bit more hectic than I’d like but overall, it felt good.
I know it’s far from perfect technically and it’s even a bit blurry but what struck me about this photo was how much Nathaniel looks like David in this photo. His face is wider and his eyes bluer. Looks so much like David at that age.
Note to Self:
This is going to sound a bit cryptic and I apologize in advance. But here’s something I learned today: it’s better to join/apply for/try out for something only if I really really want it. And in that case I have to give it 150% of what I have. After that, I might still not get it, but that’s OK. What’s not okay is to try just for the sake of trying. And to try without giving it all I have. Because then, when I don’t get it, it makes me sad when I didn’t necessarily want it in the first place and I also wonder if I didn’t get it cause I didn’t try hard enough.
This applies to all areas of my life, work, personal, friendships, relationships. I need to be more mindful about what I want. Why I want. Create a path to getting it and see if I want to travel that path. If the path is appealing and worth the trouble to get to the destination, then I start walking down it. More mindfully. I do it because I decided I want it. Not cause everyone else is doing it. Not cause it would be cool to have it. Not cause “why not.” It’s not a “why not” it’s a “why so.”
Life is too short and I need to live it more mindfully.
Three things I’m grateful for today:
1. I had the opportunity to help someone whom I believe in today. I am thankful that I had a skill to offer. I am thankful that the person accepted my help (not everyone does). I am thankful for the opportunity to get to feel the joy that comes from having done something nice for someone else without expecting anything in return.
2. I am thankful to be back to our routine. Driving David to school, listening to books on the way, baby napping while I work and coffee with Graham Crackers. These things make me happy. Grateful for my perfectly ordinary life.
3. Grateful for todo lists. I have a lot of little tasks here and there that are piling up and I am thankful for Evernote that keeps all my todo lists in one place and makes sure I don’t drop the ball too much. (Still really behind on email but that’s for another day.)
These mailboxes were one of the first things I fell in love with where I live. There’s something about them that speaks to me.
Today was a quiet day. After yesterday I intended to take it easy and I am glad to say that I did. I read my book, I did workbooks with David, I hugged Nathaniel, I cooked some fresh food for him (mangos, bananas, and made some fresh oat porridge). I knit some and just cleaned up the house a bit.
I realized today that I do much better with routine. Not just accomplishing tasks but living my life. I love December but the lack of routine actually makes my days more stressful. So, amazingly, I’m actually looking forward to tomorrow. To getting back into our routines. We have a bunch of activity coming up in the next few months. Trip down to LA and one possibly up to NAPA, Jake’s parents visiting, my parents visiting. So it’s not going to be 100% quiet but it should be more routine, I hope.
Here are two photos of my boys from today:
Love them so. I am so truly lucky to have them. They each make my heart skip every single day.
Note to Self:
In the last few weeks, I’ve been dreading doing my catalysts. They’ve been going from one daily to-do list to another and they never get accomplished. I am usually several catalysts ahead so it’s frustrating to me that I’ve fallen so behind. Today, I decided to try something new. I will make one night of the week my creative therapy night. On that night, I will set the kitchen timer for one hour and I have that much time to get the piece of art done. I am allowed to plan and print the photo and journaling ahead of time. It’s ok to think about what I want to do as well. But from the moment I sit to do it, to the minute I am done, it won’t be more than one hour. I want to try this. See what happens if I limit myself time-wise. Will it be better or worse? I don’t know but I like the idea and it makes me feel less stressed about how behind I’ve gotten on them. And it’s a good tool to keep in mind that the goal for creative therapy is to get the therapeutic benefit not necessarily to produce the most amazing piece of art there ever was. I’ll let you know if it works.
Three things I’m grateful for today:
1. Super Baby Food: I bought this book when David was born and used it a lot with him. Honestly, I used it to cook fresh veggies and to freeze them so he could eat healthier than I do. I just cracked it open again and made some of the porridge (just oat and water really) and I plan to make a healthier diet for Nathaniel. I’ve been giving him Earth’s Best for two months now and it’s really expensive and if I am going to spend all that money, I want to try to give him fresh food. There will still be many days where he eats jars but I would like to try and this book is a good resource for me. Despite many other things that the author and I disagree on, I like the easy guides on how to cook and store veggies.
2. Good books: There’s nothing like a good book to make my day feel happy and calm and wonderful. I am so thankful for books. I love music, too and movies but books have a special place in my heart.
3. Having a tub: The previous house we lived in didn’t have a tub. Just two showers. This one has a tub both in our bathroom and in the kids’ one. I love filling up the tub a little and watching my kids play it in. David loves playing with all the squirting toys and Nathaniel loves chewing the foam ones. I just love sitting there and watching them play quietly and peacefully.
This is another photo from our walk yesterday. I love the colors in it.
Today was an exceptionally long day. It started all nice and we spent some family time together and then I scrapped some. When Nathaniel woke up, we went to Target to get some groceries. Mostly baby food. After we came home, we decided to tackle the “take down the Christmas tree” project. A few hours just to take the ornaments off. And then as the “cut down the tree so we can get it out of the house” part started, Nathaniel woke up.
Jake had set the pack’n’play in the living room since Nathaniel loves to roam around and sometimes we need him to stay put. He was pleasant enough at first:
But then quickly got mad. That’s David trying to entertain him there.
He would not stop crying and complaining until I picked him up. And then he would not leave my side. It took us hours and hours to cut and clean the tree. It was so dead that just touching the tree made thousands of needles fall. So Jake patiently cut while I bagged.
I know this is a terrible photo but it’s just here for me to remind myself that next year we’re getting a FAKE tree! I know, I am disappointed too but I don’t think I can do this again.
I spent the rest of the night scrapping some more. I made seven layouts with the January A Million Memories Kit. Told so many of Nathaniel’s stories. Finally catching up on his baby book. But I have this incredible headache that will not go away. Tomorrow, I rest all day long.
Note to Self:
Today’s note to self is to NOT get a real tree next year. Yes, the smell is amazing. Yes, I do love having a real tree. But I love having the tree up for a long time and the mess it makes is just not worth it. Maybe a small, real tree for the other room, so I can still enjoy the smell. But a beautiful, fake tree for our living room. I do believe it will even make Christmas more enjoyable.
Three things I’m grateful for today:
1. My husband for letting me sleep in an extra TWO hours this morning. I haven’t slept in this late in months.
2. The beautiful January Kit from AMM that was full of Webster’s pages and that inspired me to create so many layouts.
3. My husband for spending hours and hours cutting the tree so we could get it out of the house without making an even bigger mess than we did. Yes, he’s amazing.
Happy New Year. Rabbit rabbit. Welcome to 2010!
I hope you welcomed the new year in a way that makes you happy. We relaxed, watched movies together and fell asleep shortly before 11pm. My back’s been in exceptional pain lately and since I’m nursing, I can’t really take anything stronger than Advil which makes life a bit more painful than I’d like.
We took a nice, short walk this morning (for one of my 52 Things project items). I snapped the photo above and these 3 of my boys while we were out:
Then I spent most of the day scrapbooking but it was all slow progress due to my back. Oh well, this, too, shall pass. I am happy to welcome 2010. I am confident this is going to be a most fantastic year.
Note to Self:
I need to slow down more. When I stress, my body tenses and then I injure my weakest muscles (my jaw and my back) which then causes me pain and forces me to slow down but I can’t enjoy it because I am in pain. I need to realize that I have two kids (one of which is a baby) who need and deserve attention and not as much is going to get done in this particular phase of my life. That’s ok. It’s time to slow down and enjoy my kids. Soon they will be gone and I will wish they were here to distract me. So, note to self: slow down. Breathe. Enjoy the kids. Be patient with and kind to self and family.
Three things I’m grateful for today:
1. Really good scissors. I did a lot of detailed cutting today and the little cutter bee scissors I have were fantastic.
2. My husband carrying Nathaniel up and down the stairs instead of me so my back wouldn’t hurt more.
3. YouTube for teaching me how to knit in the round.
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projects for twenty twenty-five
projects for twenty twenty-four
projects for twenty twenty-three
projects for twenty twenty-two
projects for twenty twenty-one
projects for twenty nineteen
projects for twenty eighteen
projects from twenty seventeen
monthly projects from previous years
some of my previous projects
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