Much better day today. Nathaniel decided not to take his super early nap so when I came home from dropping off David, I put him down and he slept the whole two hours which meant that I was able to get a ton of work done. Which immediately made me feel better of course.
The rest of the day I actually did even more work and finally I feel much better about the upcoming week. I am still very scared of the unknown but I feel as armed as possible.
Nathaniel loves visiting David at his table and I always try to snap a photo when he does it and I am never really successful. Today wasn’t much better but here we are.
I am still not caught up in the new episode of Lost. I am about halfway through but with two kids and work, it’s been hard to watch, especially since it needs my attention. Instead I worked on my AMM layouts for February. I finished one and am almost done with a second one. I have so little journaling this month across all my photos. I don’t know if that’s because I have nothing to say or if I am feeling too tired to journal. Let’s see if I still have no words tomorrow.
Note to Self:
I’ve been thinking a lot about seeking approval lately. (I do this a lot.) In many areas of my life. And I have been listening to this book which talks about how we get upset when people voice what we think. It made me wonder. It’s certainly true for me that if I don’t believe (or wonder about) something, it doesn’t matter if someone else puts me down. For example, while I am far from the smartest person I know, I’ve never been dumb. I never worry that I am stupid. It just doesn’t even cross my mind. So if someone says “You’re stupid.” I don’t really take it to heart and wonder if they are right. I might feel like I acted stupidly or that I have a lot to learn about this particular topic or whatever, but I don’t judge my overall ability. I don’t feel stupid just cause the person said so. I don’t worry that they might be right. And I also don’t seek confirmation that I am not stupid. Yet, none of this is true for my art for example. If someone were to tell me that I was completely not-talented and my pages were crap, I would likely believe them. And that they know better than I do and they are probably right. So it’s only in areas where I doubt myself that people can get to me. That I seek approval and acceptance.
But the funny thing is, I don’t know what will do the trick. What will need to happen for me to internalize that my art is beautiful and has its own merit? Does someone “famous” need to endorse me? Do I need to get published a lot? (because I’ve already been published in a book and clearly that didn’t do the trick.) Will I need to be on a manufacturer team? More design teams? More blog readers/followers? What’s the answer here?
This is a trick question. There is no answer. No one and nothing can make me feel better. Only I can. Only. Me. I need to work on this.
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. Getting some work done! Good, solid work makes me happy.
2. Connecting with a friend at work today. I work with this person but we never really chatted before. Today we did and it was great.
3. Starting on my kit. This month’s kit came at a bad time for me so I need to scramble to get it done yet I am forcing myself to take my time and be ok with that.
I am so tired. Nathaniel is still screaming most of the night and even when I am not nursing, I can’t sleep so I just lie there, hurting. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I am so wiped.
This afternoon, we took a short walk so I could take some photos and we ran into a neighbor and her kids and they took some of the walk with us. When we got to the bridge, David and the little girl looked at the ducks while Nathaniel sucked his thumb.
And then gave me some smiles.
Just low on energy today so I’ll work on putting creative therapy together and go to bed.
Note to Self:
When we went for our walk today. I had a specific goal in mind. When we then ran into our neighbors, I was annoyed that I had to change my plans because she told her kid (and mine) that we could walk around elsewhere and then afterwards as she almost did it again, I had to nicely (i think) tell her that I wanted to go take some photos and had to get back home to work. I felt awkward afterwards but I didn’t want to be doing what we were doing it. My first reaction was that I should be flexible but then I remembered the book I was listening to today and remembered that I should say no more often. I should not do things I don’t want to do. Life’s too short. I need to stop feeling guilty. That’s something that I really need to work on. The guilt.
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. I am grateful that my job is flexible enough to allow me to rest when I deeply need to like tonight.
2. I am still eating those yummy sandwiches from Saturday’s post. I am grateful for the fresh food, veggies and protein.
3. I am back to reading books on my Sony reader. It’s amazing but I love it way more than reading in book form as it turns out.
I registered David for Kindergarten today. Oh my how the time passes. It wasn’t so long ago that he looked so tiny and couldn’t walk or talk. And now he’s almost off to school. Life really does pass so quickly.
When I came back home, the day turned hectic quickly, not to mention the almost two weeks of work that’s been piling up while we were away and sick. This and next week promise to be rough at work.
And since Nathaniel is going through the “i must lie on your lap and be right on you” phase, I dragged a big bin of toys into my room and encouraged him to explore while I worked.
It worked for a while but it didn’t take him too long to figure out that he wasn’t lying on my lap at which point he indicated clearly that, that was to be remedied asap.
So most of the day went in a blur. Trying to keep the kids happy and get through as much work as possible. I have a bunch more to do tonight before I can rest. And since Nathaniel is spending most of the night unhappy and screaming, I am not getting much rest either. Oh well. C’est la vie.
Note to You:
So many people leave comments here about how much I do and how they don’t know how I do it all and I just wanted to take a moment to let you know that I totally don’t do it all. I know that the web has a tendency to skew things and make you think you know all about someone’s life and it gives you the unfortunate opportunity to compare their best to your worst so I wanted to make sure you knew about the long list of things I DO NOT get done that I think most people do:
I do not cook (maybe once a week and even then really simple things, most people spend a lot of time cooking daily). I do not clean. I put the dishes in the machine and away and wipe the counters but that’s it. I have a wonderful cleaning lady who comes and does the rest of the house. I haven’t even unpacked my vacuum cleaner. (Another thing that a lot of people do daily.) There are nights when my kids get a long nighttime routine with baths, stories, etc. and just as many nights when they go right to sleep. I don’t put make up on. Almost ever. Even these things take time. I rarely ever just watch TV. I am often scrapping, working, or processing photos while I watch TV. I have too many emails sitting in my inbox unanswered. (more than i’d like). I don’t hang out with my friends regularly. (Actually we all hang out very rarely, most of us work a lot and have kids and our lives are too hectic. This is something I’d like to change but haven’t managed to yet.) I also don’t talk on the phone all that much. Besides AMM, I don’t have any online communities I spend time on. I spend no time on Facebook or Twitter and check them maybe once a day and more often once or twice a week. I don’t exercise at all. None. I play with my kids but they also play on their own a lot. David spends a few hours everyday by himself. Drawing, playing, whatever but it’s quiet time where he plays alone, I work and the baby sleeps. Both my kids go to bed between 6-7 so we have reasonable amount of time alone at night.
So here are a list of things I don’t do. Things most people do and things that take time. I use that time to do other things I like to do like reading and art, etc. And it goes in spurts. Some days I am super productive and get three weeks of work/stuff done in two days and then other days I get nothing done all day. I think this is natural and I’ve come to accept it (albeit begrudgingly.) But I wanted to make sure you knew that I slack in a million ways (some of which I am sure you wouldn’t approve of) and I am no super-human.
Note to Self:
I am really uncomfortable with new things and with the unknown. I am one of those people who can eat the same meal every single day and never bore. I like the familiar. This is not to say I don’t like challenges but I do worry about what I don’t know. Today I got a new assignment at work and I know nothing about it. And I was immediately overwhelmed with the responsibility and the not knowing how to fix it all at once. I like to be good at my job and I am always worried about how much I don’t know and how well I want to perform. So what I tend to do is build up a lot of adrenaline from the stress and worry and dive into solving this problem of the “unknown” immediately. And it’s exactly what I did. I stressed and tried to learn all that I could. Except that I can’t really do it until next week so I have to be patient and just hope that when the time comes, I will be able to figure it out. You’d think after a career of 14 years I’d trust myself more but I am still scared, still worried about messing up. I need to breathe more, calmly learn as much as I can, prepare as much as I can and then just trust myself and my abilities more. It will all work out. It always does, even when it doesn’t.
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. A really high quality public school, right by our house. (A distinguished one even.)
2. Awesome people to work with. Fun, intelligent, kind, generous and so helpful. What more can I ask for?
3. Having someone else do our taxes for once. I hate doing them and I am thankful that someone else can help us.
Now that the day is over and I look back, I am shocked at how little I did today. I finished a book and read a bunch of another one and that’s it. I hugged my kids. I didn’t even rest but I feel great. I am not all recovered and I am a bit scared of all that has to get done this week but it’s ok. It will all work out, one step at a time. Yes, it will.
Nathaniel still chews like mad. He’s got four teeth and another two coming out. He’s so cute. (And, yes, don’t worry, I make sure parts don’t come off that man.) He is going through this phase though, where he comes and lies on my lap all day long. I love it unless I have to get something done. Then it makes me go a bit crazy. And at night….well let’s just say it’s no fun at night.
Note to Self:
Two things today. The first is that I was chatting with my mom on Skype today and she had a bunch of friends over so they were all over the video talking to me and my kids. Usually this would irritate me to no end. (A long story that involves a lot of frustrations from my childhood that I might finally be letting go of.) But today, for the first time, I realized what she must be feeling while she did this. As her friends talked to David and watched Nathaniel and gushed over both of them, I felt so proud of my kids. I am so proud of them. I don’t take credit and feel like it’s my doing but I still feel like my kids are great (for the most part) and I am proud of them and so while they talked to them, I was beaming. Then I realized that it must be how my mom feels about me. Why she wants to show me off to others. In my many years of running away and wanting to be “private” I’ve sort of denied her that joy. I’m sorry, Mom and I love you. I’ll try to be much more accommodating, I promise.
The second thing was during dinner. I made Nathaniel some peas and apples and while he was eating them, I put the bowl on his tray and his fingers went right in it. Normally I’d freak out and take it away to make sure he doesn’t make a mess but tonight I just let him play. He got all dirty but he loved it. He was so fascinated with it and he didn’t actually do the kid thing of smearing it everywhere. He just played and looked at it and touched it some more. It reminded me that I need to let go more (yes, i know i say this every day). It’s ok to make a mess. It’s ok to give up a bit of control. I cleaned up and then we had a fun bath and all was good as new.
Three things I’m grateful for today:
1. I am grateful for friends like Tonya and Lori who are online for me to chat with and vent to when I need it.
2. I am grateful for a long and nice conversation with my friend Diane whom I look up to in so many ways. It’s an extra privilege to be able to help someone whom you look up to so much.
3. I am grateful that Jake is back home, safe and sound. Our home is so much better with him in it.
Remember how I wrote about eating better a few weeks ago. I am still working on that. Jake went grocery shopping yesterday and bought a lot of fruits and veggies and some meat for us. So, this morning, I cooked some beef, broccoli, eggplant, eggs, and squash. (all separately) and I have them all ready in the fridge. I also cut up tomatoes and cucumbers. I then made myself this lunch.
And stuck most of it in a sandwich.
Yum.
Since I don’t cook most of the time, we rarely ever eat and meat or fish here. I decided I needed more protein (more energy) so I got some beef, chicken, and some sole and I plan to cook it all in the next two days and eat a little along with my meals every day. I figure it will take me to Thursday or so. For Friday, I have some tuna. Not to mention the protein from eggs and cheese and yogurt. And then we’ll shop again on the weekend. Not bad, eh?
Here’s the little boy. He still has some dry blotches all over his skin from the Big Bear trip but I am hoping they will go away soon. Still the drippy, full nose, too.
I am feeling a bit better. Still not 100% but on the mend. Thankfully. A mostly-quiet day here today. A nice chat with my mom, some fun time with the kids and a bunch of cooking. Nothing at all major. Now relaxing with TV and possibly some sewing.
Note to Self:
I was watching The Barefoot Contessa today and I noticed that after she cooks (or even as she cooks) she always says how delicious something looks or how great it tastes, etc. Like she’s self-congratulating the whole way through. When I see people say how much they love their layouts, art, whatever, my first reaction is always to think “what makes you so great?” and I realized today how bitter and cynical that sounds. And if there’s one thing I hate, it’s cynical. I’ve also realized I do that because I am never happy with anything I do. I am never proud of myself or my work or art. I don’t know if I feel it’s snotty to be so or if I feel that me being proud would preclude others from being so or who knows why. Then I wondered how life might be if I really did like my work. If I were proud of myself. More significantly, if I liked myself. What if I just liked everything I made. What if I were happy with it. And marveled at it (like Ina does) wouldn’t that be amazing? I think that would significantly change the way the world works for me. Wouldn’t it be awesome if I were just happy with my art? Not in a “I am just perfect” way but in that “This was an awesome effort” way?
Three things I’m grateful for today:
1. I am grateful for all the cooked food in the fridge. It makes me happy to open it and see all the possibilities.
2. I am grateful that I am feeling so much better and all of us finally seem to be on the mend. That took too long.
3. I am grateful for some quiet time where I get to relax and do whatever my heart desires.
Happy Saturday!
And more snow. Sick of it yet?
Now that the kids are well, it was bound to happen: I am totally sick. Shivering, sweating, in pain, sick sick sick. Last night was really scary, I was drenched in sweat and Nathaniel was crying and I wasn’t sure how to make it to morning. It’s funny that I was telling Jake I wish I could have a weekend where I did nothing but watch TV. And he said that I could and I said that I couldn’t. It looks like I can because I certainly cannot do anything else. I am so so tired. I guess this is the universe’s way of telling me to rest.
Here’s David wearing my hat. Doesn’t he look amazing?
Nathaniel wasn’t too excited about wearing it. Like his mommy, he doesn’t care for hats.
Not much else to say today except that I am tired. I hope you have a fantastic weekend.
Note to Self:
I was watching a TV show today where a girl had an accident which caused her to have to give up on a particular dream (she was a gymnast and she broke her back) and it made me realize that we’re so lucky because in our lifetime we get to have so many dreams. If you’d told me ten years ago that I would spend this much time scrapbooking and doing art, I would have laughed at you. I was writing novels then and had dreams about bring in print. Now I have dreams related to my art. Ten years from now, I will have other dreams. I dreamt about living in New York, San Diego, and San Francisco and got to have them all come true. I dreamt about a green card and then citizenship. I dreamt about healthy kids. I just feel lucky that I get to dream so much and so many of my dreams come true. It also reminds me not to get caught up on any particular dream too much, as I am likely to have more dreams so it’s ok if one particular one doesn’t come true.
Three things I’m grateful for today:
1. I am thankful to have lots of fun TV to watch since I am so sick and not really able to do much of anything else.
2. I am thankful that Jake bought lots of groceries today and we have fresh fruits and veggies to eat now.
3. I am thankful that I have the world’s greatest kids and that they were so nice to me today when I really needed them to be. I am really so very blessed and I do not forget that for an instant.
More snow. There was so so much.
Things are finally getting better here. The kids are feeling better. The noses are still running but fevers are gone and the moods are improved. I love watching my kids play together. I get so much joy out of it.
And here’s the little boy. Always with things in his mouth.
Chewing and chewing. He’s already got 4 teeth and I think 2 more are coming out. I am guessing that’s why he’s chewing so very much.
Nathaniel was really off last night. His nose was so full that he couldn’t sleep and wanted to hold my hand from 10-midnight. He slept on my hand and if I moved at all, he’d wake up and cry. And then he woke up at 4:30 and would not go back to sleep so he just nursed and nursed until morning and since he hadn’t eaten enough yesterday, I just let him drink. Which all meant that I was wiped all day.
Note to Self:
There are certain things that I just don’t deal well with and it’s important for me to know that. Today, someone came to fix the crack in our windshield and within minutes I was signing all these waivers that my windshield might crack or that I could still see the crack even when it’s filled and I just felt immediately stressed out. I was annoyed that I had to make such choices and I was frustrated that if they broke my window, it was going to be my problem. It could be that I was so tired but I just felt overwhelmed and unable to make the decision. As it turned out, he fixed the crack and we’re all set but it was amazing to notice how much I got worked up over it.
Three things I’m grateful for today:
1. I am really grateful that the windshield is now fixed.
2. I ordered our Christmas tree and that makes me really really happy. It was on my list since the first week of January.
3. I am thankful my family is healing and that things might slowly be getting back to normal.
Another photo from Big Bear. I don’t like the composition here but I love the photo for some reason.
The kids are still really sick. Nathaniel has a lowish grade fever. Last night he went to bed at 4pm and I thought he’d take a quickie nap but he would not wake up so I let him sleep and he woke up briefly at 10pm for some milk and then slept all the way to 7:15am. I woke up a few times but overall this meant that I got some really good sleep.
His nose is dripping constantly and I don’t want to wipe it cause he really hates it.
David’s is too and he’s all red under his nose. So it’s a lot of grouchiness and whining here, still. Rightfully so. Today was a bit better but I am still not back in my routine, David’s still home from school, and I just have so much catching up to do. But all shall happen in time. I am trying to be patient. And reminding myself that it’s not a race and all shall get done in time.
Note to Self:
I had to spend some of today shopping for gifts and some essentials and I just want to say that I HATE shopping. Even for fun stuff. I just spend hours and hours reading reviews that contradict each other 100% and get even more confused and then try to get a good deal so I spend way more hours that I should need to on that where it’s not even worth the deal anymore. So much wasted time and effort that by the end of it, I feel spent, frustrated, and just sad I have to do it at all. So I just hate shopping. I hate everything about it.
Three things I’m grateful for today:
1. I am grateful that Nathaniel seems to be getting better. He’s eating a bit more and is a little less lethargic.
2. I am really grateful that the stupid shopping is done and now I have booster seats coming my way and a bunch of other essentials. And I’ve already made appointments to get seats installed in the cars and get the windshield fixed and get the cars detailed. A bunch of todo list items are done.
3. I am grateful that while I have a bunch of things I’d like to get done, I don’t actually have any major deadlines so I can take my time and get things done slowly and deliberately. I am aware that this is a luxury.
A photo from our trip to Big Bear.
As it turns out, I am not really over our week. I am still feeling tired, worn out, and all around grouchy. I didn’t really get anything done today and yet I still feel uneasy and full of frustration. I am hoping it will go away.
Nathaniel is still sick with a fever, cough, and runny nose. He’s feeling miserable and I am not sure how to help him. So I try to make sure he rests a lot, drinks a lot of milk, and gets regular medicine. I am hoping he’ll feel better soon.
Though he’s generally in good spirits which is wonderful. So is David despite his continually running nose. (So much that he’s got sores between his lips and nose from blowing it so much.)
I am just feeling overwhelmed and tired. This vacation was supposed to be relaxing and a lot of resting, instead it was mostly stress and more stress so now I don’t know how to rest.
Note to Self:
I need to make a list of things that can help me get out of a funk. I don’t want to waste any of my days being in a funk but I don’t really know how to cure it. I know some people need fresh air, others use food, or a shower, or a good book. I just need to make my own list and when I am having days like this, I need to just go down the list until one works. Do you have such a list? Or things that often help you get out of a funk?
Three things I’m grateful for today:
1. Our car. We have a Honda CRV which has been a trooper this whole trip. We got it serviced today and I am so thankful for this durable, dependable car.
2. I am still so very thankful to be back in my home, under my own covers, with heating.
3. Since we were gone for a few days, there’s lots of saved shows on the TiVo. I am grateful to have so much fun stuff to watch.
edited to add: I actually wrote this last night but for some reason WP never published it. ugh. sorry.
Taken from the freeway on the way back home. All the rain has made the landscape lush and stunning. I wish my photos would do it justice.
We didn’t get home until late in the day so here’s the only Nathaniel photo for the day:
After a horrible night of the little boy screaming for the most part and burning up, we quickly packed up and got on the road. When we got to the Turkish Consulate, their internet was down and had been so since Friday. We did all the paperwork, left her all my identification and got on the road. We were supposed to see our friend Jess (hi Jess!) on the way home but she has two little ones and since Nathaniel was still sick, we all thought it was a better idea to skip it this time around. So we drove straight home.
And now we’re home and I am so grateful. I love my home. I love being home. I am hurting all over but I am home!
Note to Self:
I have the best kids in the world. They have suffered through so much in the last 5 days and they have taken it all in stride. They are amazing. No fits, no complaining, no yelling, no fighting. It’s a miracle. Not to mention all the math David and I worked on the whole time. Jake’s an angel, too. Puts up with everything and never complains. I am a lucky lucky gal.
Three things I’m grateful for today:
1. Being home! This one doesn’t need any explanation.
2. Jake driving us home all the way without any complaints. At some point he was so tired that we had to pull over and he ran for a bit to wake up. But he powered on and got us home safe and sound.
3. I have been putting off doing the embassy stuff for so long, and I am so grateful it’s now done! At least my part of it.
Today was CHA. The Ranger booth always has something beautiful like this and the pieces of art always inspire me. This was no exception.
Nathaniel was in good spirits in the morning. After his breakfast and nursing, I put him down for his morning nap and left while Jake and David were relaxing.
Last night, I briefly met Michelle, Tonya, Jenn, and Staci for dinner and the SEI party. And then I came back at 8 and went right to sleep. This morning, they came to pick me up and we met with Krista and Stacy and got our badges and walked in. The show seems smaller and smaller to me each year. We did get to see some beautiful booths and I briefly got to meet a lot of the BPS people and that was wonderful. For a little over and hour Nathaniel was also with me and that’s when I realized he was a little lethargic and warm. As it turns out, he’s running a really low fever. And David’s coughing and both of the kids (and I) have cold, dry patches all over our faces. Jake and I are also covered with bruises.
At 4pm I could take no more of the walking and Krista dropped me off at the hotel before she went home. Both the kids needed some TLC and Jake was tired but watching some football. They are both coughing and I think really tired of not sleeping in their own beds. I cannot wait to go home tomorrow.
I hope that it’s a smooth day at the embassy and we can get home safely and early and relax and go back to our routine. And our beds.
Note to Self:
We are all too worn out. I am so grateful that my family is so strong and that we all worked together so well to take care of each other in the last few days. We were all looking forward to this vacation and never, in a million years, would we have guessed it would have been so terrible. It could have been millions of times worse, of course. Thankfully, we’re almost at the end. I hope.
Three things I’m grateful for today:
1. Jake taking care of the kids so I could have some girl-time with my friends.
2. Warm weather. I have never been this happy not to see snow.
3. Nice scrappy friends. The AMM women are so wonderful and easygoing and great to be with. I am really glad to be a part of that group.
That’s us, leaving Big Bear. Never to come back. Thank God, it had only snowed only an inch more overnight so an hour of plowing was all they needed to get our cars out.
So while they plowed, I cleaned up and packed and Nathaniel watched.
so did David.
And because not enough crap had happened, we saw that we had a flat tire. We had called AAA yesterday but the guy showed up and then left without fixing anything and by the next day the tire was totally flat. Thankfully, our spare was in good shape and even more thankfully Kendall’s car had the tools we needed (because ours were missing.) So he and Jake changed the tire.
And as fast as we humanly could, we got out of there. There was only one road open and within minutes we were out of Big Bear and taking our chains off. Another hour and a half and we were safely in Los Angeles.
Note to Self:
As it turns out, I am too old to stay up all night. My whole body was hurting and so was my head and everything else. It was definitely a terrible experience. I am okay with never doing that again.
Three things I’m grateful for today:
1. Kendall having the right parts to help us change the tire and helping us actually change it.
2. That one road being open, I know that all the roads closed shortly after so we just made it.
3. Jake was a superstar. He stayed up a lot of hours and still drove us all to LA and helped get everyone settled before he passed out for the night.
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projects for twenty twenty-five
projects for twenty twenty-four
projects for twenty twenty-three
projects for twenty twenty-two
projects for twenty twenty-one
projects for twenty nineteen
projects for twenty eighteen
projects from twenty seventeen
monthly projects from previous years
some of my previous projects
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