We lost my grandmother tonight 6pm my time (4 in the morning in Turkey.) My grandmother, Maya, was one of the most special people I’ve ever known. We’ve always been close to her and she’s always been the rock in our family. The one who brings everyone together. In the summertime, our house is in the same garden as hers and we used to go to her house all the time. So many of my childhood memories are full of her.
When I was little, I used to be afraid of my grandmother. She was strict and talked to us with a stern voice. But she was also incredibly generous with us from the very beginning. My all time favorite present (which was actually given to my sister but I got to inherit them from her) was an encyclopedia set she got. It may seem odd in today’s Internet age but encyclopedias were a big deal when I was a kid and they were very very expensive. It was a present I treasured for a long time.
Over the years, my grandmother softened up but she stayed as the solid power that always drew the family close to each other. All religious holidays were celebrated at her house. I have so many memories of delicious dinners surrounded by all of our family at her house. She spoke French better than Turkish and as a kid, I was always mesmerized by her stockings. (She wore garters, which I am guessing was something she adopted during the 50s and 60s.) She was a master tennis player. She had started at 5 and was still playing at 75. She was famous.
She was also a master bridge player. She made the most delicious chocolate dessert (mousse au chocolat) and would make a point of making it each time I visited home. No matter what. Back when I used to drink them so much, she also made a point of having Diet Coke on hand for when I visited. After I moved to the US, she instated family night where one night a week, any family members who wished to were invited to dinner at her house. No pressure, just an open house. And my family went often because without the pressure, it was actually fun.
I remember she had so many crystal bowls and as a kid, I loved going through them and discovering the candy, chocolate or nuts that awaited me. She loved playing Scrabble and could play for hours. (In French, of course.) I remember the fascinating books that filled her bookshelves. In French and English and Turkish. She also loved to travel and until her first heart attack, fifteen years ago, she used to travel all the time. She had so many friends. People who loved her.
I can go on and on. I loved my grandmother so much. So so so much that my heart aches. She was 91 and the night before she had her heart attack, she went to the movies and had a great time. I am glad that she enjoyed her life all the way to the last moment and I am so glad that she didn’t suffer. I know she lived a full life and she now gets to join her husband who was gone before I was born. But I am still so heartbroken. And I already miss her so much.
I love you so much, Omama, and I am so thankful for each and every moment that we got together.
Note to Self:
It is so easy for me to focus on all the regrets. How my grandmother never got to meet Nathaniel. How I wish she’d spent more time with David. How I wish I’d known more about her. Seven years ago, I took this course that changed my life and when I was telling her about it, she mentioned that she wished she’d taken it and how she had so many regrets and I ached to ask her more (at the time we were having a big family dinner and I felt like that was a 1-1 conversation.) but I never did. I regret so much. And yet, I think it’s better to focus on the good. I am so lucky that I got to live so close to my grandmother. That I got to enjoy 35 years of my life with her. That she got to see both my kids. (even if through Skype.) That I know (I always knew) how proud she was of me. How much she loved me and how very much I love her. These are the things I want to focus on. The amazing and long life she lived. She was quite healthy for 91 years of life, may we all be so lucky. So, I am forcing the bad thoughts away from my head and focusing on the good today. Celebrating her. Feeling the love and letting it fill me up.
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. I am so grateful my grandmother didn’t suffer. And I am grateful for the 35 years we had together. That I got to know her as much as I did.
2. I am grateful for a long and wonderful walk I took with my kids today. I’ve wanted to do this walk for months but kept postponing it. I am glad we took the time today.
3. I am grateful for my family today. For Jake hugging me tight and holding me while I cried, knowing exactly what I needed. For my kids who are the definition of bliss. For my parents who are so loving, so kind, so generous and truly one of a kind. For my sister who is there for me through and through. And her husband who is amazing and her kids whom I adore. And my other grandmother who shines with each smile. And my aunt and uncle who’ve always supported us and encouraged us. I am blessed and I know it. I will not forget it.
And, of course, the little boy. Always the little boy.
So here’s a little sneak of what ended up being my totally random side project for the weekend for no reason. I will be crossing off one of the items in my 52 Things list eventually so I spose it’s not so bad. I also signed up for a new workshop. I seem to be all into embroidery lately so it seemed awfully fitting.
Other than my little project, I got nothing done today. I read maybe 10 pages of my book before I fell asleep. I played with my kids. We went to the park. We watched TV. That’s about it. Unproductive but relaxing.
I love that little piece of hair sticking up. It makes me think of Tintin and it makes me want to hug him nonstop.
And here are two Jake took of us. I absolutely hate the way I look of course but I love that it’s a photo of the two of us. (More on this coming tomorrow for my WG post.)
I love love love this boy. I can never get enough of that baby smell and I can never kiss him enough.
Long weekend gone. But it’s a short week and I am not on release this week. Yey!
Thank you for your kind wishes and thoughts. My grandmother is still in ICU and in critical condition. I am thinking of her nonstop.
Note to Self:
I follow a few people on formspring and one of the questions I read today was about confidence. The person who replied said that she thinks “confidence means being really comfortable in your own skin” and I totally agree. This is something I’ve been striving for, for as long as I can remember. Feeling good about who I am. Not that I don’t want to improve or that I don’t get worried now and then but to have a general good sense about myself and to feel good in my own skin is definitely a major goal of mine. Not exactly sure how to achieve it. What are the steps to this kind of a goal?
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. I’m grateful that I’ve had a low-key weekend. Sometimes it’s good to do something completely random and not on my list.
2. I am grateful that the days are getting longer. I love that and the warmer weather.
3. I am grateful for markers and coloring books. David loves them so much, he can color for hours and hours. It’s amazing to watch and I love the quiet time.
Happy Birthday Yona!!! I love love love love you so so so much!! So much!
Today was promising to be a quiet and relaxing day until I decided to work on a new project for no reason at all. And now I have a whole bunch more stuff to do before tomorrow is out. Oh well. That’s how my life seems to go.
This is the face Nathaniel makes at me when he wants attention and I am not giving him any. Or enough.
We took a little walk around the neighborhood today. And I snapped photos of my boys because I love them so much. The one with the blue eyes.
He was pushing around his little brother. Who was enjoying it thoroughly.
And here are all three of my boys. They are my life.
I got some really sad news today. My grandmother had a heart attack and is in the hospital in intensive care. If you believe in that sort of thing, please say a prayer for her. I love her so much and I wish I were there, holding her hand right now. I love you, Omama.
Note to Self:
I am not a big fan of Valentine’s day. Not sure why. It’s not a holiday we had in Turkey so I didn’t grow up with it but I feel like if I had it as a teenager, I would have always felt nervous and scared on Valentine’s day. Just another way to see how rejected I was. I think it’s meant to celebrate love but instead, it emphasizes the difference between those who have and those who don’t. And who needs a reminder of that? Maybe it’s too negative but I just feel like it’s an unnecessary holiday. If you’re lucky enough to love and be loved, cherish that every day. If you aren’t, don’t focus on it and live your life to the fullest and love will find you in due time. We don’t need flowers, chocolate or cards to remind us of that. I know, it’s weird how I feel about this holiday.
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. I am grateful for my sewing machine today, I’ve used it a lot tonight and love it. I am thankful for the hours of joy it gives me.
2. I am grateful that my family is honest with me and despite the fact that they know I will worry, they tell me the truth about what’s going on there and how sick my grandmother is. I have a tendency to think the very worst so knowing I can count on them to tell me and to tell me the truth makes it easier for me to stop my imagination from wandering.
3. I am grateful for Skype again today. I talked to my sister, my mother-in-law (and brother and sister in law and niece and father in law), and my mother today. All through Skype. So thankful for technology and high speed internet.
I love them even when they are dead. Look at that velvety texture and deep color. How could you not love them?
Today was a good errand day. We finally switched David to a booster seat and moved Nathaniel up to the bigger car seat. We got both in Jake’s car, too so now we can use either car. Yey. That alone would have been a big deal but then we had our appointment with the accountant (using one for the first time this year.) and that made me feel good, too. Then I came home, put the kids down and did two catalysts. More yey. I am also almost caught up on my email. Almost.
Here are two shots of the little one from today.
Loved them both, couldn’t decide.
I am trying to a few more small things and then I will have to go sleep because I’m still waking up at 3:30am thanks to the little one so it’s been pretty painful not getting any sleep. I’m sure the 9pm coffee isn’t helping either.
Note to Self:
I was reading the Simple Abundance book yesterday and it was talking about how when I was ten was the last time I probably trusted my own instincts. Without worrying about my mom, sister, friends, etc. That’s when I had my own opinions, she says. I don’t really remember much about being ten. I do remember feeling ostracized pretty early on so ten might have been too late for me already. But I do love the idea of having my own instincts. Not hearing anyone else’s words in my head. Not listening to criticism inside or out (and the one inside is always louder for me.) Just going on a journey to find my own instincts. I love that idea. I wonder if I could still do it or if it’s too late?
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. I am grateful that we have a free service at the Stanford hospital right by us that installs car seats for us. They make sure it’s installed correctly and that’s a big load off my mind.
2. I am grateful that we have an accountant this year and we will not be arguing about the taxes being done on time.
3. I am grateful that it’s a 3-day weekend and that even though I already feel productive, I have two more days to get things done or to just sleep or to read my book.
This was a long week. Definitely one of the longest since I’ve started my job three years ago. There was too much uncertainty. Too much going on at the same time. I was learning a lot and all remotely while the kids were at home and needed my attention, too. It was hard. But the release did happen and as soon as we confirmed that things were ok, I took both the kids and we went to a local bakery to celebrate. We needed to get out of the house and I needed some good food and some chocolate and I wanted David to get anything his heart desired as he was so incredible all week. He not only was quiet when I asked him to be but he also helped with Nathaniel the whole time. He’s my angel.
So is this one.
When we got there, David got to have a big chocolate cake all by himself. And mango juice and I ate a warm sandwich.
Even Nathaniel got to gorge on puffs after he had his dinner.
After that hour, we were all happy with tummies full of yummy food. We came back home, played some and they all went to bed and I am sitting here and enjoying my TV. This three-day weekend will be nothing but rest, art, family, and relaxing.
May you have a fantastic one.
Note to Self:
Sometimes when you think nothing’s going right, things just come together magically. Have faith in those moments. Have faith in life. Things have a way of working out. This happened to me twice this week. Once for work, once for a magical trip that looks like it might be happening…I need to have more faith.
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. The release. I can’t believe it actually did happen.
2. My son. Both my sons. But especially proud of David this week.
3. I am grateful for chocolate and its ability to make me feel happy. Chocolate and coffee. Life is not the same without them.
Early Valentine’s flowers from my wonderful hubby. Stunning roses.
The crazy week continues. Amazingly stressful and unproductive this week. Oh well, just one more day. And then we get a 3-day weekend. This time, I could really use it. Nathaniel is still waking up at night and we’re trying to get him to sleep more so it’s a lot of short nights for me on top of the crazy stress. fun fun.
Here’s my boy with the stunning eyes and the amazing soul.
And the little wiggly one who puts everything in his mouth.
We found David’s DVD player yesterday and he’s been watching a They Might Be Giants music video about science that his uncle gave him for his birthday. Nathaniel walked over to him to check it out today too. David is so kind, so generous, he didn’t mind it one bit. He even gave his brother a kiss.
Joy.
Note to Self:
I’ve been listening to this book about new studies around child rearing and one of the topics they discuss is on lying. And they talk about how parents admonish their kids for lying and yet tell them to “not be rude” when it comes to social lying. For example if someone gives them a gift they don’t like and they say they don’t like it, it’s rude and they are supposed to say “Thank you, it’s great” or whatever. Yet, this is lying, too. Cordial or not. This made me think a lot. Lying is lying. Especially for kids who don’t really understand shades of gray so well. So what’s the trick? How do we teach them not to lie but not to be rude or hurt someone’s feelings? Maybe just thank people and not tell them whether they liked it or not? Even if they receive a gift they don’t like, it’s still generous of the giver to gift. So maybe focus on that?
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. A get together that I thought was falling through might actually be happening. I’m delighted about the possibility.
2. My beautiful roses. I am not even a fan of roses but these make me happy.
3. Warm dinner bought, made, and served by my awesome husband.
Because there isn’t enough going on this week, I thought it would be a good week to “sew everyday”. I took my cue from Rebecca Sower’s wishes to spread hearts around and I am hand stitching hearts everyday. Today’s day five. Not so bad.
Little, sweet, smiley boy.
And another one.
Another stressful, stressful day. It appears they will all be so all the way to Friday. Oh well. I will survive. It’s amazing how little I got done this week especially considering how much I have on my todo list right now. Just two more days to go.
Note to Self:
I am feeling overwhelmingly tired. This book I’m listening to talks about the effects of lack on sleep and they range all the way from body fat to depression. To lack of focus, bad memory, only remembering the “not good” stuff. It’s a long long list and I need to find a way to get better sleep. To sleep more soundly. Or nap during the day more. Something to fix this exhaustion.
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. My husband came home early today to help me out and it was really really helpful.
2. I am grateful for sewing this week. It’s the only thing I’ve done for myself (besides the blog of course) and it really has been making me happy.
3. I am grateful to David this week, too. He’s been amazing at playing by himself for a long time while I work and at making sure Nathaniel is taken care of too. Playing with him, kissing him, just being amazing all around.
Around my neighborhood.
Believe it or not, today was even more stressful than yesterday and I’ve got a few more days before it quiets down. To add to the chaos, the kids had doctor’s appointments today too. David had his 5th year one which comes with lots and lots of shots. Painful ones at that: MMR and Tetanus. Ugh. He cried and cried. Broke my heart.
Nathaniel got shots too. He’s still so small. He’s now at 5% percentile for weight. 50% for height. My little boy.
By the time we came back home it was 5:30 pm which meant dinner and bedtime for the little one and I still have a ton of work to do. Amazingly, I was actually more focused and didn’t feel as catatonic as yesterday. I felt like I was making progress. Stressed but progressing.
Note to Self:
It’s interesting to me that even when I am calm and collected, a few single words can flare me up instantly. I think a lot about the Byron Katie book I listened to and how she said you get upset when people say what you think and you agree with them (I didn’t explain that well, sorry.) but basically people can make me upset only if I let them and when they say something I am thinking out loud it makes me upset because it’s something I already think and am secretly upset about. (Sorry too tired to make sense tonight.) The gist is that I need to pay better attention when things flare me up. There’s room for growth and learning there.
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. A nice pediatrician. Our doctor is nice, friendly, efficient and patient. And really great with the kids. I love that.
2. Helpful, kind people at work. It’s been a rough week for me, learning something new and high visibility. People have been immensely patient and helpful with me. Going way out of their way. I love that about Google. Such kind, kind people.
3. Books on tape. I’ve been listening to books in my drive to David’s school and it has made driving such a better experience for me. I now look forward to getting in the car.
Since David’s actual birthday was today, we all got up early and went for a pancake breakfast. I was expecting to have a stressful day at work and didn’t want David to feel sad. He loved his Mickey Mouse pancake and was delighted when they brought him a little strawberry/pineapple dessert with a candle as a surprise.
Nathaniel wiggled around the whole time but was generally well behaved.
My sister and her kids stayed up to sing Happy Birthday to David so we set them up right after he came back from school. They sang in English, Turkish and French. David was thrilled.
I spent the rest of the day working pretty hard. At some point, David was playing a game and I was on the phone when we heard Nathaniel complaining. When I looked over to tell him to be quiet, this is what we saw.
Of course I grabbed the camera before I rescued him. He was trying to grab a toy and fell right in. Just like him to try to grab something out of his reach. Cutie pie.
Note to Self:
Today was a super-stressful day and nothing even got done. I was worried about work and stressed myself to the point of paralysis so even when the plans for what I had to get done at work fell through, I couldn’t pick myself up and get something else done. I couldn’t even just let it all go and play. I basically just kept stressing more and more and drove myself insane and got nothing at all done. Nothing at all. No work. No play. No personal todo items. Nothing. What a waste of a day. And now my stressful task for today has been postponed to tomorrow so I will be stressed all over again tomorrow. Ugh.
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. A loving and wonderful phone call from my husband. He’s so amazing. I am so blessed.
2. My kind and generous sister who is so wonderful to me and my kids and I am so grateful to have her in my life.
3. I am grateful that there are so many people at work who have my back. So many people volunteered to help today and I am grateful for the support and kindness.
David’s birthday is tomorrow but his party was today. We rented an hour at a local gym and the kids got to have a gymnastics class. Thinking I wouldn’t be able to get many during the party, I snapped this photo of Nathaniel before we left.
And I am glad I did cause I have no photos of him from the party. But David had a blast. He climbed, he ran, the rolled, and he jumped. He actually got scared to let go in this photo but once he realized it was all foam in the bottom, he went back and jumped fearlessly.
This is when they all sang Happy Birthday to him.
All in all, he had a total blast. Tomorrow is a busy day for both of us so we decided we would take early morning off and take David to a pancake breakfast for his actual birthday so that he can get duly spoiled.
Note to Self:
I spent the last few weeks stressed out about David’s birthday party. I found the place in the Net and I was not fully sure if he was going to like it. When we went to visit, it smelled like a gym (really really sweaty) and I was worried the moms would think it’s terrible and stinky. I also only invited around 15 people because we had picked the 18-kids package and I figured with siblings we’d go over and we’re not really allowed to go too much over. In the last week around 6 people said they couldn’t make it. Got sick. So then I got worried it would be too small and David would be sad. But, of course, it all worked out. Just the right number of kids showed up and they all had a lot of fun and the moms were wonderful and I, again, learned that worrying was needless. Things work out the way they’re meant to.
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. A simple, well-executed, fun party for my wonderful boy, of course. I am thankful he has such good friends even at his young age.
2. I am grateful that despite it being his naptime and dinnertime, Nathaniel was supremely well behaved and happy.
3. I am grateful for my husband and what a good team we make and how we seem to just complement each other so well.
Good day. Good, good day!
I did get some work done today. I am still not caught up from the Big Bear disaster but I am feeling optimistic. Still a bit nervous for next week, but really trying to take it all one day at a time.
Little boy is still chewing everything like crazy. Especially David’s toys and the remotes. The Wii ones are his favorites.
We had playgroup today and there were nine babies and David had his friend Inidiana over and it was so much fun just having everyone here and seeing all the babies that live in our neighborhood. Quite wonderful for Nathaniel that he will grow up with so many friends.
And then I sat and finished my A Million Memories February layouts. Seven in all. Quite fun despite the fact that I thought I wouldn’t be able to do much at all. Not a lot of journaling this month, either. Quite unusual for me.
I’m up later than I’ve been in a long time. Tomorrow is a hair appointment and Sunday is David’s birthday party. Otherwise, this should be a quiet weekend. Or so I hope.
Happy Weekend.
Note to Self:
I had such a happy moment about work today. There was an article published in slate about our browser. (here) It’s one of many many and I am so proud of this product. Sure it has flaws but still. The goal, the ambition is so audacious. The team is so excellent. I am just so glad to have anything to do with it. I am so grateful they let me work from home and worked with me to help me get setup. So so happy. Sometimes, I stress and I forget all this. It’s good to write it down.
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. Work. Have I mentioned it already?
2. I am grateful it’s the weekend and I have nothing too overwhelming planned. It’s nice to have that to look forward to.
3. I am thankful for my son. The older one. His birthday is coming up and I couldn’t be more proud of him.
And another lovely day. Not as productive as yesterday but pretty darn good. I still have a whole lot of work to do to catch up to all the work that I didn’t get to do when I was away but I am feeling more optimistic. A little worried about next week but in general optimistic.
Little boy, laughing at (with really) his brother which he does ten/twenty times a day.
It’s so much fun having the two of them because I can watch them laugh and laugh all day long. I am really really blessed.
Note to Self:
I’ve been listening to this book on the way to and from taking David to school and it’s got me thinking a lot about accepting myself and loving myself and paying attention to my thoughts and saying no, etc. When I first put the audio book in, it sounded so cheesy that I stopped listening to it twice. But I powered on, mostly because the author was recommended by someone I admired, and it’s been paying off. This book has been really thought-provoking and I have learned a lot. Sometimes it pays to give things a second (or third) chance.
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. I am thankful for the giggles of my kids. I spend so many minutes of my day just giggling with them and that’s a true luxury.
2. Yesterday, Jake said “You’re so lucky that you get to be home with these boys.” And he’s so right. I am so so so lucky and so thankful.
3. I am thankful for my bed. It may sound odd but I have a bad back and my bed is absolutely awesome. I love it.
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projects for twenty twenty-five
projects for twenty twenty-four
projects for twenty twenty-three
projects for twenty twenty-two
projects for twenty twenty-one
projects for twenty nineteen
projects for twenty eighteen
projects from twenty seventeen
monthly projects from previous years
some of my previous projects
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