One week from tomorrow Nathaniel turns one. One. I can’t believe how quickly a year passes. So much has happened in that time and yet it feels like it was just yesterday that I was in the hospital, giving birth to him. I will write more next week, I’m sure but I find myself wanting to document more and more of him before the moments pass.

He loves walking on the edge of our large couch and grabbing David’s toys.

When I tell him to put it down, this is what he likes to reply with.

And then he puts it right in his mouth. He’s gotten better at not eating things that aren’t food. He will still put it in his mouth first, but he will spit it out.

He loves playing with the TV and has learned that the Tivo remote turns it on. As soon as he or I pick it up, he looks at the TV to see if it turns on. Today he managed to record two shows and almost bought some stuff on the Tivo.

He loves playing with this toy, especially when it’s up there. He loves standing up and leaning over to play with it. He can stand up and down all by himself but he hasn’t walked yet unless one of us holds his hand.

His most favorite thing to eat is a tangerine. He can clear one off his plate in under two minutes. He also really loves drinking water ever since he’s figured out how to do it and doesn’t ask to nurse as many times a day now. (He was thirsty my little boy.) He also loves to eat all fruit, bread, cheese, yogurt. Some items on the so so list: meatballs, pasta, and veggies if mixed with yogurt.

He loves bath time and plays with (chews) all the toys. He doesn’t complain when I dump water on him but you can tell he’s shocked each time. As I am getting him dressed, he loves to squirm away and lift the blinds and look out the window. I always act surprised as he crawls that way and he giggles as he lifts the blinds. When I put him to bed, we play this game where he picks up his little rabbit and throws it. I giggle. He does it again and he giggles too. It’s wonderful until I walk away which is when the crying commences.

I love him so much, so deeply. There are no words to express my love.

Not to leave out David, I wanted to take the time to note three words he still says incorrectly but in the most amusing way. He will say sarcaspert instead of sarcastic. Destruction instead of construction. And protective instead of detective. They each make me laugh so much that I almost don’t want to correct him. (He also uses “for” instead of “so” often but we do try to correct that a lot.)

Long, useless day here. I am glad weekend is here and I hope it will give me some rest time.

Note to Self:
As promised yesterday, I spent some time getting organized today. I basically chunked my day into sets of hours. I first marked the things I cannot get out of like driving David to school and back, etc. Then I marked recurring things like meals, bathtime, bedtime, etc. And then I took the chunks of hours for work and allocated specific tasks to each part of the day, giving me cushion time to check my mail, handle last minute things, etc. Then I added some kids and me time. And finally some just me (or Jake and me, depending) time. I put specific tasks on days they need to get done. For example, I post on the Weekly Gratitude blog on Tuesdays so I generally write that Monday night so I added it to Monday’s calendar, etc.

I don’t know if this system will work or not but I am hoping it will stop the “I have so much stuff, which one should I be doing?” phenomenon I seem to be suffering from lately. Cross your fingers for me.

Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. This week, I am super grateful it’s Friday. I was last week too. I need to sleep this weekend and get myself some much-needed relaxation.
2. I am grateful that we have a babysitter coming tomorrow and I am looking forward to date night tomorrow, watching the movie Date Night.
3. I am grateful that I got organized. I am hoping this will work because I really need it.

Two Things David’s Grateful For:
1. Playing with legos. Again 🙂
2. Playing rockets at school

I still remember years and years ago when I was in sixth grade, I took this exam when I was first learning English and there was a reading piece about daisies. One of the few flowers whose name I knew.

Today was a crappy day from the beginning. Nathaniel woke up at 4:30 and would not go back down. I was already feeling overwhelmingly tired and sick and drippy. He didn’t take but a 30 minute morning nap and would not fall asleep until 2pm. It was a LONG day and I didn’t get anything done all day. I just lay here in between sleep and wakefulness. What a waste of a day.

Thankfully David was an angel. He played with Nathaniel for a long time.

And Nathaniel practiced his water drinking skills. He loves that so much he won’t stop drinking all day long.

David brought out all of his legos.

And spent the entire day playing with them. I mean for hours and hours all by himself. He’s incredible.

Nathaniel played for a long time, too. In between nursing which he likes to do 15 times a day.

So an uneventful and long day here. I am tired and worn out and I need to just lie down and read my book and go to sleep.

Note to Self:
There are days when I just need to call it quits and do nothing. I mean literally nothing. Today was one of those days where I felt like I should be doing something the whole time. Instead, I should have just stopped. Lay on the couch, played with my kids, took a nap. Sometimes it’s best to actively take a day off.

Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. We watched Glee as a whole family and sat on the couch, held hands, and laughed.
2. Jake came home early tonight and he also went to go out and get groceries and even bought dinner. I am so grateful for him.
3. I am grateful that both kids are in bed now and I can just relax and then go to a blissful sleep (I hope.)

Two Things David’s Grateful For:
1. Because he was such an angle, David got to play 20 mins of Wii tonight again and of course he was super-thankful for it.
2. He said he was very grateful for his lego time!

More nature. Enjoying playing with these.

Little boy’s been really good at playing by himself lately.

Until I interrupt (Like the click of the shutter) and he remembers I’m there.

More playing. As he was messing with David’s toy, he even figured it out for us.

We had just changed the batteries of this toy my sister sent but we couldn’t get it to work. As it turns out, you need to press it with two fingers and Nathaniel figured it out! So David spent all of his afternoon playing this game. Thank you Yona, he loves it!

Almost as much as Nathaniel loves turning on and off the TV.

So I stayed up until past midnight last night reading in bed while the whole house slept. I finished my book of course and have already begun the next one. I love it when I am on a roll and reading one good book after another.

I even did one page on my journal and plan to do another after I finish writing this up and before I have to go to bed. Here’s to hoping.

Note to Self:
I’ve been thinking about eating lately. Well, my well-being mostly. I don’t eat very well. No, I don’t eat burgers and fries but I do eat a lot more chocolate than I should. Honestly, on most typical days, I drink 3 cups of (large cups) coffee, eat 7 or so graham crackers, maybe half a bar of chocolate and one cheese sandwich (just bread and cheese). Some days I also eat 2 bananas, or a yogurt. Some days I eat a salad (very rarely). But most days it’s just the coffees, banana, chocolate, graham crackers. This isn’t a lot of food but it’s unhealthy. It’s not nutritious in any way and it needs to change. It’s ok to keep drinking the coffee (since the idea of giving that up seems to rise panic in me) but I need more nutrition. If not for me, then for the baby I am still nursing. But honestly, I don’t know where to begin. I feel so lazy most days. Nothing feels tasty. I can’t decide what to eat. Same with exercise. I just can’t get motivated about it. I’m not even thinking about losing weight as much as I am thinking about being healthy, having a good heart, etc. This is something I am very mindful of, especially lately. But not something I’ve figured out how to resolve just yet.

Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. Watching David learn his words. He’s been practicing every day and it’s so much fun to see his reading grow.
2. I am grateful that I finally cleaned up the desk next to the couch where I sit. It was one of those things I’d been putting off for months and now it’s all nice and clean.
3. Thankful for Glee coming back on this week. Love that show!

Two Things David’s Grateful For:
1. Playing with the toy Yona sent (the one in photo above)
2. Playing with friends at school where they put stickers and build an underwater world
3. Drawing with mommy

Isn’t it? You just have to learn to look.

Today, a friend of Jake’s from work came to visit us with his wife and son. It was such a treat to have someone for the kids to play with. I have so many photos of Nathaniel’s face but not so many of the life we live. Just random shots with a lot in them so I decided I wanted more of those. However imperfect.

And the closeup of course. He just learned how to drink from this cup and enjoys doing it several times a day.

Great day. I finished my book last night. Magnificent one. I read 6 pages of another one before I went to bed. I woke up this morning, finished my kit layouts (more tomorrow) while Nathaniel and David ate breakfast and sat to read my book while Nathaniel napped. He decided to take a super-long nap which meant I could peacefully fall into my book (it was David’s wii day so he was playing.). I read nonstop for 3 hours. (bliss!) and then Jake’s friends came and we played and talked and had a lovely time. After they left, kids ate, showered and then went to bed. I made some coffee and dug back into my book. Finished it in one swoop. Karen Maezen Miller‘s new book Hand Wash Cold is absolutely and truly magnificent. Orders of magnitude better than the previous one which was truly amazing in its own right. More on this in a few weeks. I need to digest. Sit and write. But what an incredible way to spend my day. I was so moved by the end that I had to send her an email to thank her. Go find it and read it. I promise you will be grateful.

And now I am doing some photo processing, cleaning up, etc. Getting ready to start another book in bed. Feeling content in every single sense of the word. (That word seems to imply “blah” in our everyday use. Gives a feeling of settling. Nothing extraordinary. But if you look it up, it means: in a state of peaceful happiness. What more can one ask for?)

Note to Self:
One of the things I’ve been doing during this year of mindfulness and contemplation is working hard to separate my feelings/thoughts from the society’s. So I often ask myself “Does this really bother me or do I think it should?” This is my way of checking in with my own feelings. We are told so many things implicitly and explicitly by the people around us. By the media. By the movies. Books. Whatever. Everything and anything we consume has opinions. They often tell me how I should feel. While sometimes I really agree with them, other times I don’t. But it takes a lot of mindfulness for me to step back and separate my feelings from that of what’s around me.

For example, if I think about it deep down, it doesn’t really bother me that I don’t cook. Sure I want my kids to eat well and healthy. But they are both in excellent health. They are slim and active. They eat tons of fruits and as many vegetables as I can convince them to. They don’t eat any junk food or drink juice. So are they losing out because I don’t make intricate meals? Maybe but if I dig down deep, this is not something that really bothers me as much as I think it should. It only bothers me because I feel an invisible pressure to be a better mom which it (amongst other things) defined by cooking for my kids. And sometimes I do cook. And maybe I will do so more. But because I like to not because I feel pressure to.

I also often chat with my husband over IM. Sometimes we spend the whole night apart. He sits in his office in the garage and I sit in the living room working, doing art, reading. We might send some messages over Instant Messenger. We sometimes even use this medium to talk about concerns we have. We’ve found over the years that it adds a boundary that allows us to better manage our emotions and talk things out more clearly and listen to each other better. Some people might find these things crazy. People laugh at me a lot. But in the end, when I think deeply about it, it doesn’t bother me. These are the ways in which we’ve found to live our lives happily. It works for us. We’ve had a long and lasting relationshop for sixteen years. We love each other deeply and truly enjoy each other’s company. I know how much he loves me. He’s there for me every single time I need him and every single time I want him. So does it really bother me that we don’t always sit next to each other? No. It only does when someone tells me how they always sit with their husband every night, in a way that implies that this is a must-have for a sound marriage.

I have come to believe that there is no such thing a fast-and-hard rule about things like marriage, motherhood, or even life. There are families where the kids and parents eat dinner at a table every single night and yet the conversation is fake, the connection is nonexistent and there are families who eat in front of the TV but yet they are truly immersed in each other’s lives and are there for each other. Life, connections, and people are not simple enough to be reduced into one-liners. There are no rules that work across the board. It’s important to note what works for you and then do it without shame or worry. I feel like I am blessed to have found a way to make things work and make our life joyful for all of us. I will not let my worry of what others think ruin that for me. So, each time I find myself annoyed about something, I will work on remembering to ask: “Does this really bother me?”

Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. I am yet again grateful for my kids, but especially David today. Jake’s friends’ little boy Nico was 20 months old and David was so incredibly gentle with him. There were times he boy tested his patience. Once he almost bit David. He yelled at him several times but David was regularly kind even though you could tell he was close to losing it a little. They ran around the house giggling, shrieking, and had a great time. I am so thankful for his patience, gentleness, and generosity of spirit.
2. Grateful for another incredible book. One that moved me deeply. One that I will definitely read all over again. And for writers like Karen.
3. Grateful for my kit today. I love scrapbooking. I love getting to tell my stories. I love looking over them. Feeling grateful for years of storytelling. And for Nathaniel’s baby book which is so close to being done. Can’t believe he’s almost one.

Two Things David’s Grateful For:
1. The Wii of course.
2. Playing with Nico