Happy Saturday. It was a hectic and yet calm day here today. I had a chat for my BPS class which was great and then I spent the day playing with the kids. Feeding them and doing workbooks with David. He can now write all the lowercase letters and spell words. I am flabbergasted.

Nathaniel gets around swimmingly and can play by himself for a long time now. He loves little, tiny things and spends hours with them. Little the sticker or the button on the Wii Fit board.

and he’s so so cute.

I spent the rest of the day doing some art, going down my todo list items, watching some TV and relaxing. In just a little bit, I am off to read my book. Feeling tired yet not stressed. I hope your day was good, too.

Note to Self:
At some point today, I was reading my mail, feeding Nathaniel, and helping David with his lowercase letters. And, no, this is not about multi-tasking and whether it’s great or evil or possible. For just a moment, I felt like I was out of my body, watching myself and felt such a rush of gratitude for the ordinariness of life. For getting to sit with my sons. Feeding and helping them. I always loved school and homework and it’s such a pleasure to help my son with his studies. It’s a joy to get to feed Nathaniel some fresh vegetables and see his smiling face. It might sound silly or stupid, but I love the everyday life I have. I love being a mom. I love my home and my husband and my life and I am so so grateful.

Three things I’m grateful for today:
1. I am grateful that David likes to practice his letters and numbers. I love seeing how he learns and seeing the joy in his face when he gets something right. It’s such a pleasure to get to take this journey alongside him.
2. I am grateful that bedtime is so painless in our house. The kids are great at taking their baths, listening to their stories, and then going to bed without any complaints. David puts his own pullup and pajamas on and gives us kisses and hugs and says bedtime words (I love you with all my heart, sleep tight, i’ll see you in the morning.) and just goes to bed. No whining, no complaining.
3. Fabric. I got to play with a lot of fabric today and I love touching it. I love the texture, the softness, the thickness. All of it. I love it.

I snapped this photo of my morning ritual for an upcoming weekly gratitude entry.

Good day, today. Thanks to Jake mostly. He was home today so he could take David to his dentist appointment. He then took David to school and back, too which meant my morning was a lot calmer and more productive than usual. That started my whole day on a different foot. Here’s a shot of Nathaniel from the morning while he was crawling around in my room. He regularly stands up now and likes to come to the edge of the bed and smile at me.

See the top teeth? One’s out and the other also broke through the skin. My sweet boy.

Took two trips to work today and then a trip to the place where we’re having David’s fifth birthday. Got a ton of work done and even started a piece of art tonight. So, all in all, a great day.

Note to Self:
It was great to go to work today even for a short time. I had to get my photo taken but I ended up getting my computer fixed too and walking in the hallways at work, I just remembered how much I love that place. How l lucky I feel to be working at Google. I love being there. I love being a part of this wonderful place and working with these wonderful people. I truly feel blessed and lucky. I think sometimes when there’s a lot of stress or work, it’s easy to lose sight of all the good stuff but today was a reminder for me. I love the people I work with. I love the product. I really do love it. Must remember this more often. And must make time to go to work occasionally.

Three things I’m grateful for today:
1. Work. Ok I know I said a lot above so I won’t repeat it. But I really am thankful for work today so I couldn’t not put it on my list.
2. Mentioned this too, but I am thankful Jake took the day off to take care of David all morning. Made my day go 1000 times more smoothly than it would have otherwise.
3. I did two hours of hand stitching and sewing and machine stitching tonight. I am thankful for the time to do this. I don’t know what I am doing at all so I am thankful to YouTube for teaching me how to make a French Knot. Thankful for people like Rebecca Sower who inspire me. Thankful for art.

Well I finally got around to doing the todo list and let me tell you, it didn’t make me feel better. Maybe it’s cause there are 53 items on there. Ugh. Well at least now it’s all on paper and I can slowly start churning through them all.

Relatively good day today, got some work done, got some personal stuff done, only a few meltdowns in the house, what more can I ask for, right?

Here’s the little boy. He’s so so cute, I cannot help but kiss him all day long. I don’t understand how some moms can wear lipstick. How do you kiss your baby all the time if you have lipstick on?

Well I won’t linger too long, got lots to do.

Note to Self:
It’s amazing how a tiny good thing can give you an energy jolt. A small case of output being higher than expected. A teeny good news. Anything really. Just like one insignificant fight can ruin the day. It feels like my psyche is so fragile, so easily influenced. This is something I need to work on, at least on the down side. Understanding that things happen and they don’t mean anything. I plow onward and upward.

I also tend to take on other people’s bad moods. If David is sad or Jake or Nathaniel and I can’t fix it. It ruins my day. Even if I wasn’t the cause of it, because I can’t fix it, I decide it’s my fault and soon I am even more depressed than they are. Which is stupid and it’s doesn’t help. Something else I have to work on. Add it to the list.

Three things I’m grateful for today:
1. My list. As long as it is, there’s nothing like seeing it all in front of you. Now it’s much more likely to get done.
2. Creative Therapy. I was working on tomorrow’s catalyst post tonight and I love seeing all the art. I love how diverse our team is. I love the guests we have. I love what the site represents to me. I love that we’ve been doing it week in and week out for 96 weeks. That’s a long time. I am so proud of that site. So proud of that tiny lot in cyperspace.
3. Leftovers. Since we had guests last night, we got some delicious Turkish food and there were plenty of leftovers which I ate for lunch and dinner. Nothing like delicious Turkish food.

I was very relaxed today. I spent the day reading and playing with my boys. I was calm and collected most of my day and felt peaceful. Not rushed, not stressed, not like I wasn’t doing something I was supposed to. Days like this are rare for me.

In the afternoon little boy and I took a walk together. Just a little stroll where he sucked on his thumb and looked around and I snapped some photos and we both got some fresh air. And then I snapped a few of him. My wonderful boy.

Note to Self:
Several thoughts on my mind today. As I lay in bed, reading my book, I realized why I love reading so much. Reading doesn’t require anything from me. When I write, when I create art, when I take photos, I judge my work all the time. I strive to do better. I work hard. I am impatient. Judging. Not good enough. It sucks a piece of my soul every time no matter what. Yet reading demands nothing of me but my presence. It gives me things. It gives me thoughts, feelings, connection, joy. I love reading. It will always be my first true love.

As I was walking around today I realized that photography gives me two big presents. One is that I remember better. My memory has never been so great, I forget things all the time. And yet when I take a photo of a moment, not only does the photo preserve it, but I seem to remember it all better just due to the fact that I took a moment to photograph that. The act of preservation on paper, preserves it in my brain. The other wonderful thing photography gave me is that I now see the world more. I pay attention more. I look at the details. The colors. The small bits of water hanging on to leaves. The tiny buds waiting to emerge. Things that most people walk by, things that usually go unnoticed. I see them. I feel them. Photography helps me live the world more alive. More aware. What a great gift.

I have been eating really badly lately. Not the burger and fries kind but the coffee and graham cracker kind. Some days I will eat a bunch of crackers, some yogurt and two coffees for my whole day’s meal. I am still nursing 6-8 times a day so this is not only bad for me but it’s also bad for the baby. All this processed food is keeping my energy level low and isn’t adding anything to my already sleep-deprived state. This was one of the first years I didn’t even think to resolve to lose weight. I am done with diets. I don’t want to live my life that way. But I do want to eat healthier. I want to have better eating habits. Set a better example for my children. So I decided to start something new. Once a week, I will cook veggies for the week and cut up a ton of fruit and put it in the fridge. This way, each time I open the fridge there’s something healthy and fresh ready to eat. It might not work, but it’s certainly worth a try.

I’ve noticed that I am so impatient. I rarely like to revise my words. I am so done with them once they are out of me. I rush through my art, even processing my photos. I hate leaving pieces undone. I don’t take my time. I rush rush rush to finish. I wonder what would happen to my art if I slowed down, if I took several hours or days to get it done. Will it end up better? Or what if I just gave myself 30 minutes? Does the output quality actually change? Would my art look different? I wonder…

Three things I’m grateful for today:
1. That little walk in the afternoon. I rarely take them and they always make me feel better. I should take more walks.
2. Watching a movie in bed with my husband, holding hands. Can life get any better than that, really?
3. Feeling like I have no reason to rush. Being able to take it easy even if just for a day. I meant to take a bubble bath today. I’ll have to do that tomorrow.

I snapped a photo of these at today’s play group. You know how I love tulips. Here’s one of Nathaniel at the play group, too.

Uneventful day yet I still feel wiped and overwhelmed. Who knows what it’s all about. Nathaniel did sleep better last night, thank God. Not much to report from today. I am looking forward to the weekend and I plan to take it easy. I think my body and heart both need that.

Note to Self:
I go around and around and always end up here. Validation. Feedback. Why is it something I need so much? Do I think that other people liking me makes me a better person? If they love me, will I also love me? Of course, not. It all starts with me. Gotta remember that better. How do I find a way to remember that?

I’ve been a bit behind in my catalysts. I want to make them but I’ve been too tired to sit and do art. I am not feeling inspired. I question my ability to create anything worthy. Whatever that means. Tonight I told myself that maybe I should just do some digital pages. For me, that’s almost like I’m cheating. Doing them for the sake of doing them. But then I remember it’s more about “Therapy” than “art.” If I also get to create beautiful art, that’s wonderful, but not if it gets in the way of the therapy. Just like the weekly gratitude. The goal is to get the stories down. The words. Those are the magic for me. The words. Gotta remember.

Three things I’m grateful for today:
1. The man who fixed our back door. The door that opens from the living room to the back yard has been broken for two weeks now. I use that door twenty times a day, so it’s been really frustrating not to have it. I tend to take these kinds of situations and let them really really get me worked up. So I’ve been carrying this around for over ten days. When it finally got fixed (we hope!) today, it was a big relief. I can now put all this frustration down.

2. Nathaniel’s baby group. While I’m still apprehensive and shy around the women, I love that Nathaniel has someone to play with once a week for an hour. He doesn’t get it yet but still, it’s good for him to play with other little babies, wander around in someone else’s house. I love that he has that.

3. Simple yet entertaining movies. I’ve been brain-dead for a few days now. I have read a little but I’ve mostly been watching movies. I’ve watched 500 Days of Summer, Post-Grad, All About Steve, and now Julie and Julia. None of them were masterpieces but I loved them all. I loved the little bit of relaxation they gave my soul.

And finally a not-so-terrible day! Not that it was fantastic mind you, but I felt more relaxed, less rushed, and more at peace today in general. I did have a doctor’s appointment and had to wait for an hour before I was told the doctor was sick and I had to reschedule for February. Fun! But otherwise, the day we more productive than it’s been lately. And I’ve been feeling less hurried.

Though, it was a bad-photo day. I snapped this one of David playing the Wii while Nathaniel watched (and ate the remotes)

And a B/W of the little boy. But I am not a big fan of either photo. What can you do? Some days are like that.

And I finally booked my hotel for CHA. Yey. Third year in a row.

Note to Self:
I’ve been driving more slowly, more mindfully lately. I always worry about getting David to school on time, picking him up on time, not letting Nathaniel fall asleep in the car. And I fid myself rushing all the time. But for the last three days, I’ve been slowing down, not passing cars that are a bit slow and just reminding myself that it’s ok if I am three minutes late. As it turns out, I am never late and I make it there in about the same time I would have if I rushed. Yet, I feel so much calmer and more peaceful.

Three things I’m grateful for today:
1. A nice and motivating conversation with my friend Lori. Lori’s awesome and she always knows how to say the right thing when I need to hear it. Thank you for always cheering me on, Lori.
2. Kindness of others. I had to do some technical changes at work quickly and people have gone out of their way to help me. I love it when people are responsive and on the ball. (Especially when I’m having the opposite experience on a situation about my home.)
3. Nathaniel’s naps been relatively well aligned with David’s school. This is something that really stresses me usually but it’s been working smoothly so far and I am utterly grateful to not have to sit in the car while he sleeps and to get a few hours of uninterrupted work while he naps.