Around my neighborhood.

Believe it or not, today was even more stressful than yesterday and I’ve got a few more days before it quiets down. To add to the chaos, the kids had doctor’s appointments today too. David had his 5th year one which comes with lots and lots of shots. Painful ones at that: MMR and Tetanus. Ugh. He cried and cried. Broke my heart.

Nathaniel got shots too. He’s still so small. He’s now at 5% percentile for weight. 50% for height. My little boy.

By the time we came back home it was 5:30 pm which meant dinner and bedtime for the little one and I still have a ton of work to do. Amazingly, I was actually more focused and didn’t feel as catatonic as yesterday. I felt like I was making progress. Stressed but progressing.

Note to Self:
It’s interesting to me that even when I am calm and collected, a few single words can flare me up instantly. I think a lot about the Byron Katie book I listened to and how she said you get upset when people say what you think and you agree with them (I didn’t explain that well, sorry.) but basically people can make me upset only if I let them and when they say something I am thinking out loud it makes me upset because it’s something I already think and am secretly upset about. (Sorry too tired to make sense tonight.) The gist is that I need to pay better attention when things flare me up. There’s room for growth and learning there.

Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. A nice pediatrician. Our doctor is nice, friendly, efficient and patient. And really great with the kids. I love that.
2. Helpful, kind people at work. It’s been a rough week for me, learning something new and high visibility. People have been immensely patient and helpful with me. Going way out of their way. I love that about Google. Such kind, kind people.
3. Books on tape. I’ve been listening to books in my drive to David’s school and it has made driving such a better experience for me. I now look forward to getting in the car.

David’s birthday is tomorrow but his party was today. We rented an hour at a local gym and the kids got to have a gymnastics class. Thinking I wouldn’t be able to get many during the party, I snapped this photo of Nathaniel before we left.

And I am glad I did cause I have no photos of him from the party. But David had a blast. He climbed, he ran, the rolled, and he jumped. He actually got scared to let go in this photo but once he realized it was all foam in the bottom, he went back and jumped fearlessly.

This is when they all sang Happy Birthday to him.

All in all, he had a total blast. Tomorrow is a busy day for both of us so we decided we would take early morning off and take David to a pancake breakfast for his actual birthday so that he can get duly spoiled.

Note to Self:
I spent the last few weeks stressed out about David’s birthday party. I found the place in the Net and I was not fully sure if he was going to like it. When we went to visit, it smelled like a gym (really really sweaty) and I was worried the moms would think it’s terrible and stinky. I also only invited around 15 people because we had picked the 18-kids package and I figured with siblings we’d go over and we’re not really allowed to go too much over. In the last week around 6 people said they couldn’t make it. Got sick. So then I got worried it would be too small and David would be sad. But, of course, it all worked out. Just the right number of kids showed up and they all had a lot of fun and the moms were wonderful and I, again, learned that worrying was needless. Things work out the way they’re meant to.

Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. A simple, well-executed, fun party for my wonderful boy, of course. I am thankful he has such good friends even at his young age.
2. I am grateful that despite it being his naptime and dinnertime, Nathaniel was supremely well behaved and happy.
3. I am grateful for my husband and what a good team we make and how we seem to just complement each other so well.

Good day. Good, good day!

I did get some work done today. I am still not caught up from the Big Bear disaster but I am feeling optimistic. Still a bit nervous for next week, but really trying to take it all one day at a time.

Little boy is still chewing everything like crazy. Especially David’s toys and the remotes. The Wii ones are his favorites.

We had playgroup today and there were nine babies and David had his friend Inidiana over and it was so much fun just having everyone here and seeing all the babies that live in our neighborhood. Quite wonderful for Nathaniel that he will grow up with so many friends.

And then I sat and finished my A Million Memories February layouts. Seven in all. Quite fun despite the fact that I thought I wouldn’t be able to do much at all. Not a lot of journaling this month, either. Quite unusual for me.

I’m up later than I’ve been in a long time. Tomorrow is a hair appointment and Sunday is David’s birthday party. Otherwise, this should be a quiet weekend. Or so I hope.

Happy Weekend.

Note to Self:
I had such a happy moment about work today. There was an article published in slate about our browser. (here) It’s one of many many and I am so proud of this product. Sure it has flaws but still. The goal, the ambition is so audacious. The team is so excellent. I am just so glad to have anything to do with it. I am so grateful they let me work from home and worked with me to help me get setup. So so happy. Sometimes, I stress and I forget all this. It’s good to write it down.

Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. Work. Have I mentioned it already?
2. I am grateful it’s the weekend and I have nothing too overwhelming planned. It’s nice to have that to look forward to.
3. I am thankful for my son. The older one. His birthday is coming up and I couldn’t be more proud of him.

Much better day today. Nathaniel decided not to take his super early nap so when I came home from dropping off David, I put him down and he slept the whole two hours which meant that I was able to get a ton of work done. Which immediately made me feel better of course.

The rest of the day I actually did even more work and finally I feel much better about the upcoming week. I am still very scared of the unknown but I feel as armed as possible.

Nathaniel loves visiting David at his table and I always try to snap a photo when he does it and I am never really successful. Today wasn’t much better but here we are.

I am still not caught up in the new episode of Lost. I am about halfway through but with two kids and work, it’s been hard to watch, especially since it needs my attention. Instead I worked on my AMM layouts for February. I finished one and am almost done with a second one. I have so little journaling this month across all my photos. I don’t know if that’s because I have nothing to say or if I am feeling too tired to journal. Let’s see if I still have no words tomorrow.

Note to Self:
I’ve been thinking a lot about seeking approval lately. (I do this a lot.) In many areas of my life. And I have been listening to this book which talks about how we get upset when people voice what we think. It made me wonder. It’s certainly true for me that if I don’t believe (or wonder about) something, it doesn’t matter if someone else puts me down. For example, while I am far from the smartest person I know, I’ve never been dumb. I never worry that I am stupid. It just doesn’t even cross my mind. So if someone says “You’re stupid.” I don’t really take it to heart and wonder if they are right. I might feel like I acted stupidly or that I have a lot to learn about this particular topic or whatever, but I don’t judge my overall ability. I don’t feel stupid just cause the person said so. I don’t worry that they might be right. And I also don’t seek confirmation that I am not stupid. Yet, none of this is true for my art for example. If someone were to tell me that I was completely not-talented and my pages were crap, I would likely believe them. And that they know better than I do and they are probably right. So it’s only in areas where I doubt myself that people can get to me. That I seek approval and acceptance.

But the funny thing is, I don’t know what will do the trick. What will need to happen for me to internalize that my art is beautiful and has its own merit? Does someone “famous” need to endorse me? Do I need to get published a lot? (because I’ve already been published in a book and clearly that didn’t do the trick.) Will I need to be on a manufacturer team? More design teams? More blog readers/followers? What’s the answer here?

This is a trick question. There is no answer. No one and nothing can make me feel better. Only I can. Only. Me. I need to work on this.

Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. Getting some work done! Good, solid work makes me happy.
2. Connecting with a friend at work today. I work with this person but we never really chatted before. Today we did and it was great.
3. Starting on my kit. This month’s kit came at a bad time for me so I need to scramble to get it done yet I am forcing myself to take my time and be ok with that.

I registered David for Kindergarten today. Oh my how the time passes. It wasn’t so long ago that he looked so tiny and couldn’t walk or talk. And now he’s almost off to school. Life really does pass so quickly.

When I came back home, the day turned hectic quickly, not to mention the almost two weeks of work that’s been piling up while we were away and sick. This and next week promise to be rough at work.

And since Nathaniel is going through the “i must lie on your lap and be right on you” phase, I dragged a big bin of toys into my room and encouraged him to explore while I worked.

It worked for a while but it didn’t take him too long to figure out that he wasn’t lying on my lap at which point he indicated clearly that, that was to be remedied asap.

So most of the day went in a blur. Trying to keep the kids happy and get through as much work as possible. I have a bunch more to do tonight before I can rest. And since Nathaniel is spending most of the night unhappy and screaming, I am not getting much rest either. Oh well. C’est la vie.

Note to You:
So many people leave comments here about how much I do and how they don’t know how I do it all and I just wanted to take a moment to let you know that I totally don’t do it all. I know that the web has a tendency to skew things and make you think you know all about someone’s life and it gives you the unfortunate opportunity to compare their best to your worst so I wanted to make sure you knew about the long list of things I DO NOT get done that I think most people do:

I do not cook (maybe once a week and even then really simple things, most people spend a lot of time cooking daily). I do not clean. I put the dishes in the machine and away and wipe the counters but that’s it. I have a wonderful cleaning lady who comes and does the rest of the house. I haven’t even unpacked my vacuum cleaner. (Another thing that a lot of people do daily.) There are nights when my kids get a long nighttime routine with baths, stories, etc. and just as many nights when they go right to sleep. I don’t put make up on. Almost ever. Even these things take time. I rarely ever just watch TV. I am often scrapping, working, or processing photos while I watch TV. I have too many emails sitting in my inbox unanswered. (more than i’d like). I don’t hang out with my friends regularly. (Actually we all hang out very rarely, most of us work a lot and have kids and our lives are too hectic. This is something I’d like to change but haven’t managed to yet.) I also don’t talk on the phone all that much. Besides AMM, I don’t have any online communities I spend time on. I spend no time on Facebook or Twitter and check them maybe once a day and more often once or twice a week. I don’t exercise at all. None. I play with my kids but they also play on their own a lot. David spends a few hours everyday by himself. Drawing, playing, whatever but it’s quiet time where he plays alone, I work and the baby sleeps. Both my kids go to bed between 6-7 so we have reasonable amount of time alone at night.

So here are a list of things I don’t do. Things most people do and things that take time. I use that time to do other things I like to do like reading and art, etc. And it goes in spurts. Some days I am super productive and get three weeks of work/stuff done in two days and then other days I get nothing done all day. I think this is natural and I’ve come to accept it (albeit begrudgingly.) But I wanted to make sure you knew that I slack in a million ways (some of which I am sure you wouldn’t approve of) and I am no super-human.

Note to Self:
I am really uncomfortable with new things and with the unknown. I am one of those people who can eat the same meal every single day and never bore. I like the familiar. This is not to say I don’t like challenges but I do worry about what I don’t know. Today I got a new assignment at work and I know nothing about it. And I was immediately overwhelmed with the responsibility and the not knowing how to fix it all at once. I like to be good at my job and I am always worried about how much I don’t know and how well I want to perform. So what I tend to do is build up a lot of adrenaline from the stress and worry and dive into solving this problem of the “unknown” immediately. And it’s exactly what I did. I stressed and tried to learn all that I could. Except that I can’t really do it until next week so I have to be patient and just hope that when the time comes, I will be able to figure it out. You’d think after a career of 14 years I’d trust myself more but I am still scared, still worried about messing up. I need to breathe more, calmly learn as much as I can, prepare as much as I can and then just trust myself and my abilities more. It will all work out. It always does, even when it doesn’t.

Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. A really high quality public school, right by our house. (A distinguished one even.)
2. Awesome people to work with. Fun, intelligent, kind, generous and so helpful. What more can I ask for?
3. Having someone else do our taxes for once. I hate doing them and I am thankful that someone else can help us.

Remember how I wrote about eating better a few weeks ago. I am still working on that. Jake went grocery shopping yesterday and bought a lot of fruits and veggies and some meat for us. So, this morning, I cooked some beef, broccoli, eggplant, eggs, and squash. (all separately) and I have them all ready in the fridge. I also cut up tomatoes and cucumbers. I then made myself this lunch.

And stuck most of it in a sandwich.

Yum.

Since I don’t cook most of the time, we rarely ever eat and meat or fish here. I decided I needed more protein (more energy) so I got some beef, chicken, and some sole and I plan to cook it all in the next two days and eat a little along with my meals every day. I figure it will take me to Thursday or so. For Friday, I have some tuna. Not to mention the protein from eggs and cheese and yogurt. And then we’ll shop again on the weekend. Not bad, eh?

Here’s the little boy. He still has some dry blotches all over his skin from the Big Bear trip but I am hoping they will go away soon. Still the drippy, full nose, too.

I am feeling a bit better. Still not 100% but on the mend. Thankfully. A mostly-quiet day here today. A nice chat with my mom, some fun time with the kids and a bunch of cooking. Nothing at all major. Now relaxing with TV and possibly some sewing.

Note to Self:
I was watching The Barefoot Contessa today and I noticed that after she cooks (or even as she cooks) she always says how delicious something looks or how great it tastes, etc. Like she’s self-congratulating the whole way through. When I see people say how much they love their layouts, art, whatever, my first reaction is always to think “what makes you so great?” and I realized today how bitter and cynical that sounds. And if there’s one thing I hate, it’s cynical. I’ve also realized I do that because I am never happy with anything I do. I am never proud of myself or my work or art. I don’t know if I feel it’s snotty to be so or if I feel that me being proud would preclude others from being so or who knows why. Then I wondered how life might be if I really did like my work. If I were proud of myself. More significantly, if I liked myself. What if I just liked everything I made. What if I were happy with it. And marveled at it (like Ina does) wouldn’t that be amazing? I think that would significantly change the way the world works for me. Wouldn’t it be awesome if I were just happy with my art? Not in a “I am just perfect” way but in that “This was an awesome effort” way?

Three things I’m grateful for today:
1. I am grateful for all the cooked food in the fridge. It makes me happy to open it and see all the possibilities.
2. I am grateful that I am feeling so much better and all of us finally seem to be on the mend. That took too long.
3. I am grateful for some quiet time where I get to relax and do whatever my heart desires.

Happy Saturday!